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SquaTurDucken PorkBeefalo

Updated on February 5, 2015
Turducken
Turducken

Home for the Holidays

Mmmmm, nothing says "Thanksgiving dinner menu" or "The Holidays" like dreaming of the wonderful cuisine that has become synonymous with our favorite annual occasions. And unless you've been living on the moon for the past 10 years or so, then you've either eaten, seen or heard of a concoction that goes by the name Turducken.

A few years back there was apparently somebody who decided that it wasn't enough to cook a turkey a duck or a chicken for the holidays, but decided that all three should be prepared. It was also decided that it would not nearly be good enough to prepare these three animals as separate entities; They needed to be stuffed inside of each other and cooked as one dish.

GENIUS!

Turducken


But why stop there? As Americans we have a rich tradition of borrowing the ideas and traditions of others, and then turning that stuff into something much, much better. We took the concept of sushi and dumbed it down for the masses and all those who probably couldn't be bothered with developing a taste for raw fish and created the 'California Roll.' I friggin' guarantee you that if you ordered a California Roll in Tokyo you'd get smacked upside the the head. But it's delicious!

Then, instead of just settling for the same old bland Mexican food that our southern neighbors have been choking down since the beginning of time, we added tasty ingredients like cheddar cheese, chunky salsa, and started calling it Tex-Mex. Do you think anybody south of the border is enjoying 'Tex-Mex Wednesdays?!'

Hell, no! We're Americans, and there's always a better way to skin that cat. Mmmm, I wonder if a cat could be stuffed into a Turducken somewhere... I digress.

How did this guy live this long?!

'Splosion Demo

Well, I'm not satisfied with the boring old Turducken, even though I've never had it. I'm moving on to something much bigger and a helluva lot more exciting. This year when the Holidays roll around again, I'm gonna cook the first ever documented SquaTurducken PorkBeefalo.

If you're not sure where I'm going with this, then just sound out the ingredients; I'm gonna stuff a Squab(that's fancy talk for pigeon) into a duck into a chicken into a turkey into a pig into a cow into a buffalo, then I'm gonna deep fry that bad-boy in somebody's back yard(Any volunteers?) for one of the greatest Thanksgiving recipes of all-time!

Now as you can see from the picture at the top-right I have some other considerations, like stuffing and such. I think a cornbread stuffing with oysters will suffice, but the stuffing is just DETAILS, let's talk turkey... literally.

Ingredients

Now, where am I gonna get the ingredients for this behemoth? Well, the turducken part of the equation is easy enough; Every one of those birds can be purchased at the local market, which in and of itself takes some of the shine out of the Turducken experience. Simpletons!

The squab, or pigeon if you prefer, is a bit trickier. I want fresh squab. So, I'm gonna hunt one down for my very self. I live about two hours from Manhattan, NYC. I figure they've got enough 'city-rats-with-wings' running around the town crappin' on everything and begging for food, so they won't protest a little gun-play... in the spirit of providing food for my family while helping to control the local pest population. I'll shoot a pigeon or two in the afternoon and drive home the same day. Maybe I'll make a day of it and see some sites; Or as Judy Blume once wrote, 'Then again, maybe I won't.'

Once I've procured the birds for my masterpiece, it's on to the four-legged beasts that will comprise the second half of the recipe; Pig, Cow and buffalo.

I'm sure I can find a local butcher who'll be happy to charge me out the ass for a whole pig, an entire cow midsection and a fresh buffalo carcass. Finding a butcher willing to provide me with what I need isn't the problem. Getting these beasts home is the issue. I guess any butcher willing to order me my massive meat supply would also be willing to tack on a little extra for delivery. Or a lot extra, I suppose.

Preparation

You're probably wondering how I plan to prepare such a massive concoction, and you may also be wondering how many I plan to feed once the dish is finished. Well, I live with my girlfriend in a one-bedroom and I don't particularly enjoy entertaining, so this would be a quandary. I don't think my apartment complex would appreciate me setting up shop out back so I can spit-fire grill this sucker, but did I mention...

I'm gonna deep fry this monster! Yeah, if you haven't been around much these past few years, then you've missed all the hullabaloo. Deep frying is the food preparation method of choice for the holidays now, so I'm gonna get on board and try it myself. I've never deep fried a turkey, but... How hard can it be, and what could possibly go wrong?!

Pigeon Hunter...

Squab
Squab

When in roam...

Buffalo
Buffalo

Hotties 59, Lions 3 (Halftime)

Hear them Lions ROAR!
Hear them Lions ROAR!

Holiday Fare

what is your favorite Holiday cuisine?

See results

For a Thanksgiving recipe of the size and magnitude of the SquaTurducken PorkBeefalo, I may need to build a cooking apparatus especially for the occasion. First things first, though; Location. I have some friends that live out in B.F. Pennsylvania (Amish country), and they love to build bonfires for the Holidays, so this may tie in nicely with the occasion.

I'll drive my load of dead meat carcasses over the night before and get to preparin.' Now, the one benefit of this location is the above-ground pool. I'll simply line the pool with as many layers of tin foil as I can afford on my budget, fill it with the cooking oil of my choice (the cheapest and most flammable should do the trick; Safety First!), then begin heating the oil the night before for insured success.

Mmmmmmmmm, I can almost taste the greasy drippings running down my chin as I write this. I can't wait for Thanksgiving to roll around. As an added bonus, I'll also get to watch my Detroit Lions lose another game in blowout fashion as I prepare the feast. In fact, my Thanksgivings would now not be complete without the Lions' game being out of reach by the start of the second quarter...

Damn, I digressed again. So, once the cooking medium has been brought up to temperature, then I'll use the crane I plan to rent to slowly and gingerly lower my concoction into the scalding liquid. Then, 3-4 hours later, We'll raise the beast, drop it onto a tarpaulin, carve it up with my cordless electric knife and feed the neighborhood.

Shall I prepare you a plate?!


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Comments

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    • scarytaff profile image

      Derek James 

      8 years ago from South Wales

      This sounds like a recipe I could cope with. I've seen the lesser one cooked, the squab, duck, chicken and turkey. It's a regular on TV in UK at Christmas. I can't see why the extra beasts would be a problem now that you've got the cooking bit worked out. Well done and good luck. Would a sandwich last the trip to U.K?

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