Dad was never there

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   AskAshlie3433posted 13 years ago

   My dad was never there. My mother is dead. My dad and I do not speak. Should I try to break the silence? He wants nothing to do with me.

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      Shadesbreathposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Obviously I know nothing about your situation, but, since you asked, I'll just toss this out based on what I have to go on:
      
      As long as you go into this current attempt to connect with him understanding that it's not YOUR fault if he won't open up, then do it if you feel like it. It's okay to hope for more from/with him, just be realistic about what you are probably going to get.
      
      If he was never there as you were growing up, he may just be one of those people who is unreliable, so be prepared to discover he is exactly what his actions suggest he was. You maybe be pleasantly surprised, but the odds are you won't be. But, that said, you can check in every five or ten years and give him another chance if you feel inclined. In the end, he will be the one who loses out if he doesn't get to know you, and it may be that he starts to realize that the older he gets. Aging often focuses one's priorities as mortality looms.
      
      Good luck. Be realistic.

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         Joesy Shmoesyposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I think that this is a great answer and I couldn't agree more.

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      couturepopcafeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      You need to tell us why he wants nothing to do with you.  Does it have something to do with the death of your mother?  Or is it something you did or were directly?  How old are you now and how old were you when he left?  What is your state of affairs and what is your father's?

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      raxxsachposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Life is really short .We all perform our karmas and all of us have our beliefs and disbeliefs and yes clarifications for our actions .it is really painful to think of a childhood without a Father.But i think there are so many things in life we have no control on..like our parents being their or not...we have no choice about it..But yes we have a choice to stay happy not to be angry and to let it go.So i think if you let it go and just go and say hello it will be good for both of you..

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      debbieroberts40posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      My father went to work one day and never came back, I was 6 weeks old. When I was 33 I met him for the first time. He had never tried to get in touch with us and we were concerned what would happen now that we had found him.  I used to think deeply about why he didn't find us or why he wasn't bothered that we hadn't stayed in his life even though he had left his marriage(and us with it). Once we had met and agreed to meet again, I realised that parents are just people. They have hang ups, diversions in life, bad decisions etc.. I realised that he made mistakes like everyone else and that for all I always thought about his reasons, it turned out that we had nothing to do with it and he didn't like the life he was in.
      For me now as an adult and a mother of three, its astonishing how a parent can just do that but he wasn't thinking like a parent at that time, he was thinking for himself so he was thinking as an adult first. We met several times and exchanged Christmas cards etc but it was never how I always imagined it to be and I am neither happy or sad about that, we fell into a thing were he carried on with his life and we carried on with ours but now knew where each other was. Strange not to have connected with him any further than that but I am glad that I met him and stayed in touch with him. He has now passed away and although not a father as some people have, I knew a little about him and certainly a little more than I did before.
      I know that he is your father, but treat him like you would treat someone else and your expectations will stay level. He doesn't have to be treated as your father, or your best friend ... but not as a stranger either. He is someone you know who happens to be your father. Sounds strange I know but in fact its as close to the truth as you're going to get and don't be harsh on that situation because if it works then its good.

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   Disturbiaposted 13 years ago

   I would say try reaching out to him, you never know what might happen.  Just be prepared for rejection and if that happens know that you gave it a shot and move on with your life. Good Luck

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      May PLposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I think that is a really good piece of advice. If you are really hoping to connect with your dad, give it a try. Whatever the outcome, you know that at least you have given it a go.

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   kirstenblogposted 13 years ago

   Do you want anything to do with him?
   Or is it a feeling of obligation to try to re-establish some sort of family bond?

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   Rafiniposted 13 years ago

   He wants nothing to do with you?  How can you be so sure - if you aren't speaking with him? 
   
   Only you can decided.  Only you can weigh your options and understand the consequences of reaching out to a significant family member. 
   
   Whether or not you choose to attempt to reconnect, you need to be careful and be prepared for anything.  Don't take a possible rejection too personally and don't allow open-armed acceptance to cloud your judgment.  Take it one moment and one day at a time.

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   Flightkeeperposted 13 years ago

   I'm confused, if he wants nothing to do with you, what has changed to make him change his mind?

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   AskAshlie3433posted 13 years ago

   Its like this. Well, first, thank you guys for your support. It has nothing to do with my mom. He acts like he needs nothing from anybody. He wants it that way. He figures if he ask for no help, don't ask help from him. I made mistakes when I was younger. I was dumb. I stole off him. But I was just a kid. I think he still hold that against me. It wasn't much either. Just money. Money can be replaced. He has plenty of money. I don't even ask for anything. I want to be done with him in all honesty. He acts like I am not his own. All that matters to him is money. I am in school now. I work fulltime. I work on my music. I stay busy. I would think he would be proud. He acts like I am that same kid. When I do need help, I would like to know my dad is there. But still, he thinks of him snd only him.

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      What I might try would be low level contact w/o expectations.  A post card or letter once a month or two, or a short phone call or voice mail.  Just saying something like - Just checking in with you.  Or, Just wanted to let you know I'm still here, alive and kicking!  Or, Just wanted to hear your voice, again.
      
      See what happens - but don't expect much, and don't, under any circumstances, push your father into having a relationship if he doesn't want it.  It could backfire and cause you more pain than you've already lived through.

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   Flightkeeperposted 13 years ago

   It sounds like he has a hard personality Ashlie.  I would say it's worth it to reach out to him and let him know that if he needs anything that you're available but don't let him feel that he should give you the same consideration.  This way if he wants to reach out, your line of communication is open.  But I would say not to have expectations and I doubt that he would be someone you can rely on.  Just my speedy take on your situation.  Sorry.

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   PJBessposted 13 years ago

   Our Dad was the same way. We never had a parent/child relationship. Do not expect anything. This will prevent the hurt of let down if the same old Dad continues. We talked twice a year - on his birthday and at Christmas.Both were initiated by me. We visited my Grandmother once every five years or so and he lived in the same town so we would bring the kids to see Grandpa. That was the total extent of our relationship and it worked just fine - until he needed us.
   
   At 73 Dad got "dementia" and we(the "we" he wanted nothing to do with)brought him to live in a nursing home in our area. He saw more of us in three years than he had in the past 35. Dad still did not change.. Not one bit. Dad was never the Dad we should have had or needed to have.
   
   Please do not try to make a relationship with someone who does not want one.Nothing against some people, but they are not parents. You will be the one who pays ---with heartache. Do your part---but limited and with distance. Fill your life with others. They may not be Dad, but Dad isn't really the Dad you want him to be either.

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   Sarah Massonposted 13 years ago

   My dad doesn't talk to me either and I used to try and talk to him all the time. It took me a long time to give up but now I have. If he wanted to talk to me he would and he hasn't, so I've just left it. It's up to you what you think is the right thing to do and what will make you feel happier. Good luck

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    couturepopcafeposted 13 years ago

    Ashlie - It is almost always difficult to understand what makes someone the way they are.  It sounds like your father has had a lot of pain and rejection in his own life.  He can't rely on anyone either, or so he feels, so he pushes everyone away.  He may have been that way your whole life.  I have to assume you are of college age so you didn't know him as a young man, or as a man at all, only as a father.
    
    This is what I would do for starters.  Write an extensive letter addressed to him (dear Dad - or whatever you called him).  Write all the things you remember about your time with him beginning from the earliest memory as a child - I remember when we went to get ice cream - or whatever.  Continue to present day. 
    
    Then begin a new paragraph relating all the hurts you've felt. 
    
    Then begin another paragraph with all the ways you think you hurt him. 
    
    At the end, and only at the end, tell him you are sorry and you love him.  "I'm sorry, Dad, for what I've done and for contributing to your pain.  I love you, Dad."
    
    Use the word Dad.
    
    If you are in a position to do so, pay him back the exact amount you stole from him.
    
    I believe in the concept of 'have no expectations' but with a caveat.  I think you should expect with great concentration and focus to be a part of your father's life again.  What you think about expands.  This is one of the laws of the universe.  There is no changing it.  However, being part of him the way you expect it may not happen for a long time, or ever.  We cannot change the past.  Only the present which decides our future.  This entire experience, if followed through, will be life changing for you.  You may be hurt some more in the process, but you may find that you saved your Dad and yourself from a quagmire of misunderstanding and hurt.  It's hard to let go of hurts and he has had more than you, no doubt.
    
    In your letter, don't forget to mention your mother.  Tell him you miss her, too.  Email me if you like.  Cry if you like.  It's all good.

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    yankeeintexasposted 13 years ago

    Always have an open door with your dad! He may not want to talk to you right now but, by having a line of communication with him will let him that you love him, and that you want to be a family again. Your father is going through some kind of emotional crisis that he think that you should involved in. As long as you let him know that you love him someday he will come back to you. Remember, NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!

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    Terri Meredithposted 13 years ago

    My ex-husband was very immature, while being a victime of a terrible past.  He never got over it and his feelings colored every interaction he had with me and our daughters.  Though, he was anything but a great father, my younger daughter was very close to him, and got her feelings hurt all the time.  When we divorced, he took his pain out on her.  He was angry that she seemed to "side" with me.  The truth was that she was only five and wanted everyone to be happy.  As a result of his behavior, he alienated himself from both his daughters.
    
    Because of her pain, I worked very hard at making her understand the past he had suffered.  While she was young, she didn't care.  To her it was just an excuse.  Once she grew up and had a family of her own, she became softer.  At first her attempts to contact him and make peace brought her a lot of pain.  But from perseverence and not placing any real expectations on him, he slowly came around after more than a dozen years.  Now, he visits and interacts with her several times a week.  They go auctioning together and out to dinner.
    
    In the last year or so, he has even begun to open up about his mistakes and acknowledge his personal responsibility.  He has apologized for much of what took place, even to the point where we no longer have to worry about whether he will show up while I'm visiting.  He is able to be in the same room with me, to speak to me, and even to laugh about something shared from the past.
    
    I'm not guaranteeing your father will behave even remotely in this manner.  But I am saying that there is no other way to know what may happen unless you have patience and perseverence while accepting that there may be no change.

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