I'd like feedback on my article: DhoomBros

1. 66

   TheMASposted 6 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article DhoomBros. What can I do to improve? Thanks!

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   1. 98

      theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Hi there,
      
      You can start by deleting this:
      
      "Individuals around the world have been gaining popularity and becoming household names by sharing videos on social media for over a decade now. Whether it's about photography, content writing, graphic designing or even video-making, technological advancements have played a significant role in capturing the true essence of fame and glory for a number of individuals all around the globe. Platforms such as YouTube, Facebook and Instagram have been quite a decent launchpad for these individuals - who can be referred to as 'Internet Celebrities'. This list of individuals continues to grow at a very fast pace from different (if not all) parts of the world. One such instance is..."
      
      That's called waffle and adds zero value to your article.
      
      Go through and get rid of all waffle.
      
      Change the title to Who Are the DhoomBros? Then answer that question with your article.
      
      Your reader wants to know who these people are and what they do in the first paragraph.
      
      Break your text into shorter paragraphs and use shorter sentences where possible.  Don't use a long word where a short one will do. Think crisp. Delete all those waffly adjectives.
      
      Who is your potential reader? Do they want to be wading through reams of text to find the nuggets of information they're looking for?
      
      One problem that plagues a certain type of writer is that they believe the more words they use, the more flowery the language, and the longer and more convoluted the sentence, the better writer they are. This is not true. A good writer makes his or point in as few words as possible. Each word has to work hard for its inclusion. So strong verbs and a mix of medium length and shorter sentences keeps the reader's interest.
      
      Work to do

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   2. 61

      TessSchlesingerposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      It's written in an essay style, and that doesn't work very well. Says too little with too many words. You need to write AP style.
      
      1. All the relevant information in the first paragraph. The first paragraph must answer the headline.
      
      2. The least important information at the bottom.
      
      3. It sounds like a promotional piece - PR - and I'm not sure if that works.

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2. 85

   psycheskinnerposted 6 years ago

   Also remove the star ratings capsule, it is not meant to be used for this category.

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3. 66

   TheMASposted 6 years ago

   Thank you all for your comments. There's indeed something in all these comments that I've gained especially the idea of starting with a question and how not to waffle things into the article. I'll redo the first paragraph and look to remove anything that sounds like a promotional piece.
   Thanks again for helping out.
   Regards

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4. 66

   TheMASposted 6 years ago

   With my understanding of your kind advises, I've made a few changes. Tried to eliminate the waffly paragraphs and also that ratings capsule. Let's see. Thanks again.

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