Do you sometimes feel responsible for things you aren't responsible for?

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   IDONOposted 10 years ago

   Do you sometimes feel responsible for things you aren't responsible for?
   
   Sometimes I feel it's my responsibility to help someone out of a jam that they created themselves; fixing something someone else broke. Feeling guilty for something someone else said. I don't know if this is because I'm a caring, helpful person or a complete nut in need of some intense counseling. Your take?

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2. 76

   Diana Leeposted 10 years ago

   I have these same feelings often.  I can't quite understand why, but I find myself helping those who treat me like dirt and who would never go out of their way to help anyone, let alone me. It's like I was chosen to be misused and if I treat my tormentors extra special maybe it will rub off on them and they will treat others better, including me. Nuts? This could be, but you are not alone.

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      Lizam1posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Sounds like you don't feel you deserve respect and kindness.  You do!  Maybe consider consulting a coach or a counsellor because ongoing unhealthy relationships are seriously bad for your health. I speak from personal experience.

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      IDONOposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Don't change. But, if you repeatedly do this expecting positive results, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. The one reward you can count on is that you will feel good about yourself.

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   JThomp42posted 10 years ago

   Yes. I feel as though it is my place to fix everyone and everything when it comes to my family. I've had many sleepless nights worrying about such things. How am I going to do this, how am I going to fix that. Although I know this is very unhealthy, it is somehow ingrained in my personality. I just want everyone to be happy.

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      Lizam1posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      We aren't responsible for other peoples happiness, however we can be there for them as a good friend and sometimes good friends point out the other persons foibles that keep getting them into problems.

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      IDONOposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Well, that's your family.  When you are lucky enough to have and keep a family, it's a privilege to have them to worry about. We all love feeling needed.

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      JThomp42posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I was referring to my whole family IDONO. Not only my immediate family.

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   Lizam1posted 10 years ago

   I used to do this.  It didn't help the other person usually because it created a helpless victim or dependent mentality.  It all comes back to setting clear and good boundaries and knowing when to say yes or no.  The pattern usually starts when we are very young and we take on the role of the rescuer.  Being generous and helpful does not lead to guilt.  So, if that is what is happening working with a counsellor about setting boundaries and recognizing when you get pulled into other peoples messes would be helpful.  In my work one of the important strategies I use professionally to make sure I am really helping someone is to get them to look at their strengths, and what would they change about the current situation so that it doesn't happen again.

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      IDONOposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I'm very aware that there is a very fine line between practicing acceptance and becoming an enabler. I just haven't found that line yet. I'd rather cross it than leave someone behind.

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      Lizam1posted 10 years agoin reply to this

      IDONO it does take practice and empathy but two people ending up in the mud helps no-one:-)

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   Ericdierkerposted 10 years ago

   IDONO you keep those feelings and own them. That is you. And I like you. I suggest we never suppress what we truly feel.
   But we do not have to act on them and do not need to let them rule our life and behavior. Just notice them and then act right. I think they are great feelings to have. I think they will instinctively guide you to help others. Where I might have to be motivated to change behavior to help others. You may have to get motivated to change behavior to help yourself. I think you have a better starting place and default position than me.
   You are cool, do not change too much please.

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      IDONOposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      I won't. I had a lot of people reach out when I reached my alcoholic bottom. I was broke, dirty,unemployed, and basically spiritless. Now I do well because of them. Paying it forward is how I stay that way.Helping is a privilege. Thanks, Eric.

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   Billie Kelpinposted 10 years ago

   You sound like a wonderful human being who understands that no matter how it may seem that a person created the jam that they're in, you can never know whether or not (given the exact same circumstances, the exact same mindset, the exact same upbringing as the other person,) you yourself might have acted in the exact same way.  I believe that our ability to think as we do, our ability to be kind, to manage money, to accept change, to cope with sorrow or depression, and on and on are all gifts we've been given by the nature of our birth and by our nurturing.  We like to think that our nobility, our righteousness, our success in the world is of our own doing, and thus are quick to judge another, but truly, it's more just to believe that there, but for some gifts bestowed upon me, go I.

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      IDONOposted 10 years agoin reply to this

      Sounds like you know something about gratitude. I wonder how many things blow right by us because we look at them as entitlements instead of recognizing blessings for what they are? They are uncountable.

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