What is the appropriate response if a friend who is truly unattractive is depres

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   Kylyssaposted 7 years ago

   What is the appropriate response if a friend who is truly unattractive is depressed about being so?
   
   Attractive women seem to post about feeling unattractive quite frequently. If I don't see such a post on facebook on any given day, I just need to pay more attention to my feed or wait a bit longer and I will. The standard response to such postings is to tell the person how attractive she is to help her recognize her mind is telling her lies. But what if the person is genuinely unattractive? What then? I've thought about it because I am actually ugly and know there's no such easy fix for my feelings. What's the appropriate and kind response to someone ugly feeling depressed about being ugly?

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   TessSchlesingerposted 7 years ago

   That even the ugliest appearance can be made attractive with enough know-how. Seen it with my own two eyes. Attractiveness is not about physiological beauty. It is about having something that attracts other people, and that can be worked at and developed.

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I've been professionally dressed, styled, and made up many times, yet still had to endure rude comments about my appearance while all done up. Your answer is kind and sweet, but not a reflection of my reality.

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      fpherj48posted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Ky, I have a really tough time imagining that intelligent, socially-wise, courteous adults just come out w/ rude comments about your appearance! Who the hell R these rude, crude, people?  Seems like all U need is a different circle of associates!!

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      It's been mostly strangers making comments since I've been an adult. The last was from a complete stranger in Burlington Coat Factory a few weeks ago. I don't get to choose the character of people who use public spaces with me.

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      TessSchlesingerposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Kylyssa. No. Some 30 years ago, I did a cosmetic exam. My subject was a lady who had a stroke. One side of her face was hanging, the other side normal. I got 100% for the exam because by the time I had finished, you couldn't see that she had a stroke

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Half of my facial features have drooped ever since my serious head injury at 18 and the same attack made closing my lips over my overbite even more difficult and added scars. I've never found any way that I could camouflage my teeth and lower face.

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      savvydatingposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      A dentist could fix your overbite. I've heard that a good acupuncturist can help with fixing the face somewhat---or a good plastic surgeon, if you could save up.

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      fpherj48posted 7 years agoin reply to this

      May I ask?  Is your profile picture, YOU?  Because I see an attractive profile of a woman with lovely hair.

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      My profile picture is a drawing I made.

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      TessSchlesingerposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Kylissa, I used Hollywoiod movie techniques which I learnt from books on how actors have their faces made up. For instance, they can make someone age 40 years or look younger than they are. All illsion.

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       fpherj48posted 7 years agoin reply to this

       You are an excellent artist!

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       Say Yes To Lifeposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       Here is a link I found that tells how to deal with strokes:
       https://www.realself.com/question/strok … -my-eye-47
       Do you live near a ghetto? How else could they be cruel enough to harass you!

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       Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       @Yoleen It's mostly been women of the upper middle class, but the young men a few weeks ago may have come from one of the 11 Bible colleges nearby. It must be me because it's happened in every city I've lived in.

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       Say Yes To Lifeposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       When I gave money to my Christian high school attempting to save it, my former counselor tried to lead me off the subject by rambling on about the charming daughter of a former crush. After the school closed, I threw Matt 25:14-30 at her.

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   fpherj48posted 7 years ago

   Kylyssa....It actually hurts me to read what you say about yourself.  I have to tell you that my first reaction is to think you have a poor self-image (for whatever reasons) and that this is simply not true. Further, I have a feeling that others would agree with me.  This aside.......
   An appropriate/kind response to someone (ugly) feeling depressed about being ugly, IMHO, might be:  "People quite often do not see us (physically or otherwise) as we may see ourselves. When you look in the mirror, perhaps past negative comments by unkind bullies flood your mind and delude your vision.  You may have been programmed to "see" what is not there, or neglect to see what is. What defines ugly? I can honestly say I can't even recall a time when I would have looked at someone and not been able to see aspects and qualities of attractiveness in them.  Personally I reserve the word, "ugly" for what we might consider scary monsters....not normal, average human beings. I prefer not to use such a negative term.  The only exception might be when I know a person to have a cold heart or be a cruel individual....then I might think they're ugly in that way. There are attractive/cute/pretty attributes to all faces everywhere.....and that's that."

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I really like your answer, but you don't need to feel sad. I see those posts from pretty women every day and everyone responds the same- tell her she's pretty. I wondered if people had any responses that place value on her as a person instead.

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      fpherj48posted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, I see what you mean. I'm sure it depends on who's judging a person.  It's safe to say most men are all about "looks," especially body & sex appeal (let's face it).  I on the other hand, can see a whole person & find many qualities.

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      Say Yes To Lifeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Update - my ex-friend called a couple weeks ago. She IS homeless. Meanwhile, I'm working in a book teaching money management to teens.
      
      Here's another link to comebacks for insults:
      https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.wattpa … mp/3932209

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   savvydatingposted 7 years ago

   If she is heterosexual, you can tell her something interesting. Here it is: An ugly woman has a better chance of dating a really hot guy more so than a merely sort-of pretty woman. Why? Because he has dated highly attractive women all of his life and for the most part, he finds them shallow and kind of dumb. He is bored to tears and disgusted by them. So he is ready for a change. He sees this "ugly" girl who has brains and he wants to get to know her. And so he does. Her part is to not question it and cause him to pull away.
   She also needs to work with what she has. Surely, there is something about her that is nice. For example, maybe she has a nice waistline or a nice mouth. Frankly, she just needs to "fake it till she makes it." It helps. I am dead serious. The first thing she can do is fix her posture. It's always attractive to walk with your head held high. Sounds silly, but it works. I've written on things women can do to attract men, if she cares to get some tips.

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I've already got a partner; I want to avoid rude comments in public. I see the posts from pretty women every day and the response is always the same- tell her she's pretty. It occurred to me it only works for pretty women & ugly women are people,

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      savvydatingposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I didn't realize that half your face had fallen or that you cannot close your mouth due to an overbite. The overbite can be fixed and you could look into the other. Medical science can do wonders nowadays. Feeling prettier does make a difference...

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      Say Yes To Lifeposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      It's great you have the social skills to get a partner!

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      savvydatingposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      For sure. But we can't control what outsiders think or say---except to put them in their place.

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      Say Yes To Lifeposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I find it extremely unfortunate you're around people who would add to your torment! I wonder what would happen if you told them the reason. I once heard a story about a mother who was ugly; it turned out she had rescued her baby from a fire.

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   Say Yes To Lifeposted 7 years ago

   I used to have to deal with that all the time in Oakland.  That's one reason why I tore out of there like a bat out of hell soon as I turned 18.  I wonder how many of those girls wound up as single mothers, or streetwalkers.
   Recently, I got an insulting comment from a now former friend.  She was mocking me for giving money management seminars to high school students - this, when she blew $120,000 in one year!  She said she'd been molested as a child.  When I managed to get a word in edgewise, saying I was messed with, but was lucky it wasn't worse, she said, "Who'd want to rape you, anyway?". That's when I broke it off.  She was putting down all her friends, and was on her way to becoming homeless.  At least she's pretty enough to get herself raped:; maybe she'll even become rich in the bargain!
   Here is a link containing snappy comebacks to rude comments:
   http://www.ishouldhavesaid.net/2012/03/ … comebacks/
   Hope this helps!

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      threekeysposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Try building up more of your inner shine.
      You may already do this but maybe you need to note it consciously when you either are congruent with your life values. Or doing acts of generosity without expectation of return. Chi changes.Something happens

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      Kylyssaposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I love the comebacks! Unfortunately, rude people seem to be there wherever I go. Sarcasm > I wish the men who raped me when I was homeless had known they were only supposed to rape pretty girls. < Sarcasm  I'm glad you dumped that rude "friend.

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      Say Yes To Lifeposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      It's a shame you have to carry the scars of an extremely negative experience, and continue to suffer from it! I hope you can get that corrected. Because of how it happened, perhaps it can be considered a disability, and insurance will cover it.

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   Shyron E Shenkoposted 7 years ago

   I would help the person to find ways to make her physically less unattractive and help to find way to bring out a her personality.  I think girls who think they are unattractive hide a beautiful soul and they need to find that inner beauty and allow it to light up the outside person.
   No one is ugly, except maybe someone who is evil inside makes the outside ugly.
   
   Blessings

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