How do you respond to someone who's openly disdainful to your life choices?

1. 67

   claptonaposted 7 years ago

   I don't respond.
   Like when some calls and I'm in the middle of something, I don't pick up the phone.
   Why bother?
   Do you feel you have to justify yourself to be who you are?
   Never ran across anyone that is comfortable with themselves that feels it's necessary to "justify" or "explain".
   If you wallow in that, maybe you out to re-examine your priorities in life.
   Life is to much fun, too many adventures to be had, to get bogged down with petty things like this.
   Whether it's family, a friend - I have no problem shutting doors.
   It's as easy as opening a new door to opportunities.
   To think that your worth, your happiness and your life choice has to be approved by others is a fallacy that's not worth buying into.
   Cheers

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, John. You have a great attitude. You're right about shutting doors. Sometimes you have to shut some so others can open. That's what I'm working on doing now!

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2. 92

   beagrieposted 7 years ago

   There's no one single way to deal with people like that, and a lot of it is determined by situation. For example, a friend of a friend whom you hardly see, just ignore them; they don't need to be in your life. Close family can be trickier, perhaps your relationship with your sisters is such that you could just cut them out of your life (and be okay with that) but more often than not it's not so simple.
   
   It's not a pleasant thought, but really the only way to tackle this is to tell them you don't like the way they are with you, tell them it's affecting your relationship with them, and ask them to be a bit more understanding and respectful about *your* life choices. After that it's on them. If they keep it up I'd seriously question whether they're the kind of sisters you *want* to keep around.

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, John. These women will always be a part of my life in some capacity, but I'm definitely minimizing contact. I've received so many thoughtful, supportive comments here, and I'm feeling stronger about my life choices.

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3. 57

   CarsonLucasposted 7 years ago

   From my experiences ive learned that no matter what, people are going to criticize you for what you do in life. I decided to not go to college and start my own business and all of the kids I graduated with said i would never make as much money as them because i didn't have "proper education" to make a high salary. Im not in it for the money, im in it for the passion I have for clothes and owning a business. I put my happiness first, not everyone elses. Do what makes you happy.

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, Carson. Yes, following one's passion is always good advice.

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4. 61

   TessSchlesingerposted 7 years ago

   If you try speaking to them, they may possibly interrupt. So write them a letter explaining to them that if they want to work because it's meaningful to them, that's fine. However, you find rearing your children meaningful, and they obvious disapproval of your choices means that they don't believe in the freedom of choice, and you're actually wondering why that is...

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, Tessa. Writing for me is always cathartic so that's a great idea. I'll write them a letter that I may or may not send, but I know it will help me.

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5. 0

   Neelam Ramaniposted 7 years ago

   Honestly speaking you and I have the same story. But I am happy with my choices in life. I don't give right to anyone to be disdainful. People who are jealous can only feel threatened.we don't need to care about them

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Good for you, Neelam. You're right. The problem is within me, feeling insecure about my decisions.

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6. 59

   Codester0391posted 7 years ago

   People are threatened because they are unsure of themselves...They are unsure of their lives.  They believe that their everyday life causes them so much more turmoil than your, or many others, life because they think staying at home, or doing whatever it is you do, would be easier than the life they currently live.  However, they will never understand the world you live in.
   They're threatened by you because they hurt everyday...and they don't think you feel what they do every day of their lives.  They think you're taking the easy way out
   I know that's not true, and I know may mothers would love to get out of the house with a regular job...just to get a break every now and then.
   They will never understand that and there's no way you can really explain that to them.
   My advice is to know who you are.  Know that you're the type of mother that cares about your children more than most in this world.  That they're the defected, not you.

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, Codester. you're right. I need to be okay with the decisions I've made. My son with autism is doing great so all I need to do is look at him and be content. It's probably just a case "of the road not taken," wondering what might have been.

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7. 58

   Daniel Latchposted 7 years ago

   Nancy, Autistic children require heroic effort and that's what you are doing in the best way you know. Always keep that in the front of your mind. So many people have 'great' jobs that make them feel good about what they are doing. They have entire departments and programs to keep people engaged. You have a child with special needs. They get paid for showing up, taking directions, meeting objectives, having friends (or not), and making plans for their idyllic lifestyles. All this puts them in a false sense of security that they have the world by the tail. Then they look at you and think they see an ass who is not doing her share and not contributing to their brother's lifestyle. Perhaps they blame you for the condition of your child. What effect are they having on your relationship with your husband? What does he have to say? What do you want him to say?
   
   Staying at home to care for a child with special needs has a broad range of possibilities. It takes knowledge, skills, patience, and support to deal with Autistic children as some can be quite a task to deal with. Staying at home without outside interests can make one very uni-dimensional, producing all manner of relationship issues. This is especially true if one is not fully aware of the cost/benefit assessment.
   
   Next time the opportunity arrives, thank them for the reminder and whip out a spreadsheet your husband helps you prepare to show the costs and benefits or your choice. Perhaps you'll find what they think is more valuable that you thought and you'll consider new options. Perhaps you'll find that the numbers support your choices - something they may be able to understand and perhaps appreciate.

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, Daniel, for acknowledging the "heroic" effort it takes to care for a child with autism. I'm sure my sisters-in-law have looked at my son's behavior over the years and thought I was a bad parent.

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8. 60

   Cricrinelposted 7 years ago

   Dear Nancy,
   
   First of all, I would like to congratulate you for being a stay-at-home mother as you have a peculiar situation with your son. I understand that it is difficult to raise a child with autism.
   Regarding your question about how to handle people who like to raise their opinion about others lives..If I understood correctly, you haven't asked anyone's opinion, right? I strongly believe that people who are not satisfied with themselves and their lives, therefore with their choices, they like to intervene or share their opinion about the lives of others. I believe the best way to handle them is to avoid them. However, in case they will try to criticize again your choices, try to explain them in a polite way that you haven't asked their advises so you're going to end up the discussion like this. If i were you, in case they continue saying that you took the wrong decision, just insist in your reply too. Repeat yourself.
   Regarding your second question about why people feel threatened by the choices of the others.. I believe that some people have stronger personality comparing to others, that's why people who are afraid to take a step forward or take a risk seems like enemies to others. Perhaps your sisters-in-law may find it impossible to raise a child with autism. I'm pretty sure that they know deep inside that if they were in your shoes they would follow the same choice. People like to criticize others because they hedge their bets.
   I hope I could help you a little bit with my reply. I am at your disposal in case you need to discuss more about this topic
   
   Kind regards
   Elizabeth

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks, Elizabeth, for your kind comments. I appreciate you acknowledging the challenges of having a child with autism. I think that's what I find difficult about my sisters-in-law; they ignore or minimize the unique challenges we've faced.

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9. 60

   Lavanya veluposted 7 years ago

   Firstly I believe there is a solution to every problem be it financial or emotional anything. Without problem it wouldn't be life right. But what I feel to answer is that you took a decision and now taking care of your kids, which I feel you are great (thats how mother's are like).  I graduated last year and working now, but I used to listen to my friends talking about how they need their parents to stay home and look after them. Definitely the kids aren't against their mom's dream but all they ask for is to welcome them home after-school or college and spend some quality time. Since I heard lot of my friends talking about this, I'm just mentioning it here.
   Everybody now thinks that both ( husband and wife) should go earn for this economy in order to live good peaceful life, but doing such we leave our precious memories of spending time with each other.
   I think you should believe what you do and just stay strong in that.  Because that's how things work, when you make a decision people say something against it. It upto you to withstand it.
   Right now more than financial stability you kids need you and do not worry for there is always a Hope.
   Also I think you sister should stand in your shoes and feel you situation. After then so wouldn't be able to talk. Understanding others emotion before you throw your words at'em. So feel no stressed cuz I think you took right decision.
   Be strong and peace out.

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   1. 96

      letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for the supportive words, Iavanya. I've received so much more support here than I've ever received from family and it feels great. I am getting stronger.

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10. 70

    Lori P.posted 7 years ago

    First of all, let me commend you for taking a brave and important step to protect your individual right to choose and more important, to protect your family. Just a few decades ago, women used to criticize mothers for going back to work and leaving their children behind for someone else to care for. Women must stop being so hypercritical of each other!!! Everyone has the right to do as she chooses for her own reasons.
    
    With that said, I was in your shoes. I have bachelor's degree and a master's degree. (I earned my teaching credential, too, but ended up not clearing it.) One of my three children had a genetic disorder. Staying home full-time hurt us financially, too. I even still have a student loan to repay.
    
    Child care would have been cost-prohibitive for three children. I did work for a six-month stint and during that time it was chaos for my family. My husband had to pick up the slack and leave work early to get the kids, etc. We were exhausted with having to do all of our shopping and cleaning on the weekends because there was homework and other activities to attend to during the week. I had so little quality time with my kids--and my husband. The kids went a little nuts, too, as the child care worker did not really provide structure or guidance. Once, my little girl called 911 because her brother was "picking on her." And my son used the stairs to "surf" down on some cardboard.
    
    When I did not work, everyone was happy and peaceful. No stress or rushing around. Our weekends were filled with fun family activities. My husband was able to take on more responsibilities at work and thus earn more money. I enjoyed my time with my children immensely. We played and went on enriching excursions. I was able to maintain the household without any stress during the day when they finally went to school. Laundry was done, dinner was on the table. I baked cookies and assisted with school projects. It was like a Norman Rockwell painting kind of life.
    
    And the final results of our choices? Well, sadly, my youngest died from his terminal disorder at the age of 12...and I certainly do NOT regret a minute with him. In fact, I regret those six months when I did work. Our other two children who are grown adults now are extremely loving and devoted. We are best friends and they are still a part of our daily lives.
    
    Listen, you get what you give. If you put your children first, they will put your relationship first instead of moving away and never looking back.

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    1. 70

       Lori P.posted 7 years agoin reply to this

       Oh, I forgot to answer your question! Your sisters-in-law resent you is because they want to defend their reason for working. They have put money first. Kids need time with parents more than money. Everything money can buy will be forgotten.

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    2. 96

       letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks, Lori, for the compassionate response. I admire you for making a beautiful life for your children.

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11. 54

    Arimaposted 7 years ago

    Why are you even bothered about them. If they actually cared about you it would've been reflected in their behaviour. You know you're doing the right thing and let them be. They're not worth it.

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    1. 96

       letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       You're right. I've realized from everyone's responses that it's about me, not them. I need to change some things in my life so I feel stronger in my decisions.

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12. 60

    India-Nepalposted 7 years ago

    Don't respond. Let them live life the way they want to.
    
    I have been a new age teacher for eight years. I've prospered from my career, traveling anywhere I wanted to. I had 45,000 readers looking forward to each of my new articles.
    
    And then I found out the real roots of what I was teaching through my own horrific experience, where due to yoga and meditation I got nearly demon-possessed.
    
    So when I renounced all the new age stuff and deleted all my ebooks and articles, my readers got divided. Some accepted my new turn to Christianity, some openly criticized me, slandered me and used profane language in their comments against me.
    
    So what I did I do?
    
    What's there to do?
    
    If a person is totally against your life choices and curses you for taking another direction, let them do it. It's not you who should judge their behavior but God. So just leave it up to Him, and continue with your life.

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    1. 96

       letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       Yes, people will always have their judgments. Even when you're doing the right thing, they'll criticize. I really do need to toughen up!

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13. 0

    IS1820posted 7 years ago

    Hi. First of all I could actually begin and end my answer in three words - "Good for You".
    So, Good for You.
    I am a firm believer that each one of us should try and do what they want to do with their lives. Of course as long as we don't hurt anyone or break the law.
    Choosing to be an at home mother or father ( and sometimes I wish I could have done just that) is your choice and yours alone. Anyone criticizing this would also probably criticize a brilliant person for staying in the academic world instead of going into high-tec, or a lawyer remaining in public service instead of going into private practice and I probably could go on and on.
    The choice is yours and yours alone. Close family could voice an opinion that you would be great at something else. But being nasty and rude is crossing a line.
    Avoiding them is of course one way of dealing and sometimes the a path to choose if you want to keep family peace. But, it's not a long lasting solution. You could just tell them to mind their own business but family feuds are not what we want.
    If they are reasonable people then why not confront them, one on one, and talk it out? You may find that their reasons are such that by talking with them they open up and explain.
    You say they feel threatened. Do they feeling threatened or are they just voicing an obnoxious opinion or possibly jealous? In all cases it's sad for them, not you. But, you may be able to help them. They need it you don't.
    The reasons for their attitude could be therefore from different feelings:
          Threatened - maybe at home their husbands are not so pleased with their careers,
          Jealous - They want to be more with the kids or have all the responsibilities with the kids but much less time.
           Obnoxious - well just plain have their noses high up in the air
    
    You are doing something you chose. A lot of people in careers know and feel at some time or another that they would rather do something else. Some do. Most don't. You Nancy did and if I read between the lines with your spouses blessing.
    So, try talking, one on one and if you get to the root cause of their behavior you may find the solution and who knows, even a good friend.
    If not, you are living as you want and in my opinion, good for you.

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    1. 96

       letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks, Ian, for your thoughtful response. I do think communication broke down in the family -- in large part, because my husband and I were unable to articulate what we were experiencing with an autistic child.

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14. 84

    Marjattaposted 7 years ago

    Nancy, you don't owe an explanation to anyone about your personal life choices, unless they affect that person directly.
    
    If you have been treated with outright rudeness by your sisters-in-law about your lifestyle, their ill-mannered response is unacceptable and certainly not worth your consideration or explanation.
    
    Follow your heart and do the best you can for your children, regardless of what anyone else says. You may find that your biggest critics are the ones who are most craving validation for their own life choices.

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15. 96

    letstalkabouteducposted 7 years ago

    Thanks, Marjatta. I made the right decision. Having a child with special needs puts a tremendous strain on a family/marriage. My husband and I are still going strong, and we made it through those stressful years. I think my sisters-in-law decided to sit in judgment rather than pitch in to help.

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16. 49

    shivviposted 7 years ago

    Hey Nancy!!
    
    
    May be I am too young to answer your question. Most people here seem quite experienced and wise. However, if I were to put my opinion, I would say "Avoid".
    
    Though its easier said than done. But, learning from my mom , this is what I have seen her doing.
    
    
    When they see in someone else something they’re lacking, or wish they had, they’ll feel a need to criticize it. Their fault-finding may be a projection of how they’re worried they’ll fall short.
    
    I really look up to ladies who are "home makers". As , you'll are so talented in handling everything so nicely.People will always have their opinion for any sitation and especially those relatives who are simply cannot believe that a home maker can be so perfect.Its because they are struggling inside themselves , to stay happy and tolerant, so they have a habit of pinching the happy people.People are usually intolerant of difference.
    
    If you stay at home and manage your house, your kids, you have had the best choice. Selfish are those who simply choose their career over their family. You have  been doing a great job by staying at home and its because of you that your children are doing good and husband is managing his work well.
    
    My mom is a home maker and I know the kind of stress house wives go through. They have to stay home all day , handle the nitty gritties.You actually realize how much these ladies do at home once you stay back to watch them. Yet they are so.Their priority always lies in their family.
    
    Most people say or do what they do because of their own issues—not because of yours.Questioning others’ life choices can be a way for people to prove their own superiority while protecting themselves from criticism in the process. jealousy is another reason other people can be total jerks.Highly critical people are often not happy with themselves.
    
    Therefore, I would suggest IGNORE such comments from such people. What you are doing is pretty good.

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    1. 96

       letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks, Shivvi, for your kind and supportive words. I really appreciate hearing from the child of a stay-at-home mom. I have made a peaceful life for my sons and I 'm proud of that.

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17. 55

    Julie Nouposted 7 years ago

    I have a whole bunch of relatives who are like that to me. Even my father as well. Before, I fret and fuss about it, used to be so mad about what they say to me and how they treat me. But now, I don't intentionally hate them, but I certainly do avoid them, Nancy. I know it is hard, and they use to laugh about me having a stay-at-home job and why I didn't get a proper degree course, then I could've been a doctor right now.
    
    However in a way I don't wanna brag about it, but I am getting around $3,000 profit a month on my online business - which is apparently 3x more than a doctor can earn here in my country.
    
    Yet, I don't care, and I don't brag about it to them, and many of them don't know I am earning that much. I guess, overtime when you learn how to be "numb" about such treatment from other people, you just don't care about it anymore.

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    1. 96

       letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       Wow, good for you, Julie! I've had so many positive responses from my question -- if only our families were so supportive!

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18. 60

    Lillysperspectiveposted 7 years ago

    Smile and tell them how grateful and proud you are to have the opportunity to raise your children full time.  Tell them it is the hardest job you have ever had to do, and your greatest achievement.  If they say something else, simply smile and go about doing something else.  They seem to be resentful, maybe because they don't have the same opportunity or interest.  Your efforts will pay off and will not go unnoticed.

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    1. 96

       letstalkabouteducposted 7 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks, Lilly. Parenting can be a thankless job but, you're right, I see my efforts shine through every day in my kids.

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