If high self-esteem generates respect for others why does low self-esteem create dis-respect?
A male friend of mine insists that he 'cares' about people yet he indulges in multiple relationships, calling them friendships since they are platonic, knowing full well that the women of these friendships are looking for and wanting more. Is there a way to help him see his own lack of self-esteem or respect for the feeling of women? Does it matter that his 'friends' are often hurt when they see him with other women? Is he worthy of friendship at all?????
No respect for yourself =no respect for others... low self esteem = low esteem(regard) for others. Leading these women on lifts his ego-it's as simple as that!
Perhaps it has nothing to do with self-esteem. He might be putting his own desires above that of other people and their feelings.
This is your friend's twisted way of validating himself. There isn't much that you can do to show him that this is a result of his own low self-esteem (which, by the way, I think you hit that nail right on the head). This problem is unfortunately very common. You cannot solve a problem if you see no problem at all.
Outside of himself, the only one(s) that can make him see the err of his ways is (are) the woman (women) he's dealing with. You see, you are looking at a co-dependent situation here. These women have low self-esteem as well. Many of us have suffered from it, and many of us still do. He preys on those women who are seeking companionship, then exploits their weakness for his own satisfaction. No woman with high self-esteem would allow this to go on for an extended period of time and unfortunately, many of us are still on our journey to that goal of higher self-esteem.
This cycle will continue indefinitely until either 1) he meets "Fatal Attraction," 2) he meets that one woman who knocks him off his feet and persuades him to change his ways, or 3) some miracle occurs and he sees that his actions are not only destructive, but also self-destructive. The problem is...there is no problem--at least as far as he is concerned. Until he can admit that there is a problem, he will never have a reason to face it or change in any way. As long as he is satified with his actions and the results, he will never admit there is a problem. Nothing matters to him right now except self satisfaction, so the feelings of these women mean nothing.
It's obvious that you do not like the road your friend is taking. My advice to you would be to separate yourself from the situation as much as possible. I'm not saying separate yourself from your friend, just from the situation. Let him know that you are not pleased with his activities and that you don't want to hear anything else about his escapades. Whether you know it or not, you are being disrespected as well by being subjected to behavior of which you disapprove. It is completely up to you what you will tolerate in a friendship. We are often drawn to people who are "like" us. You have to decide within yourself if this is someone with whom you want to associate yourself.
I found myself in a similar situation recently... actually, I'm still kind of trying to be friends with the guy.
My guess is that he's not at all concerned with how he is making all of these women feel, because he has it justified in his mind as a means to an end. He probably fancies himself as a true romantic searching for his true love while befriending every woman that doesn't meet his unreachable standards.
But you are correct about his self esteem, because he also really needs the attention he is getting from these women, as well as the support he gets from them (we are nurturers) to validate his self worth, since in reality he doesn't really have much.
My guess is, he's not going to stop unless he realizes that he sabotages any chance of a real relationship with any of these women, and figures out what it is within himself that makes him so insecure. But I'm also guessing he's one of those "Let's not analyze things too much" types as well. Which means he's happy in his miserable oblivion and sees no reason to change anything.
Unfortunately, the mindset of a man is not that of a woman. If he is being honest with these women, as you say the relationships are platonic,so they are aware he dates other people, then the rest is on them. The hurt is self caused and he's not to blame. It's unfortunate, but honesty is honesty and whether we believe it or not is not on the person that expressed it.
Sure he is worthy of your friendship. You need to help him!
Ask him about his parents relationship and you will find a pattern. Maybe he was told as a child that he would not amount to anything and that is why he has to show others that he is all that.
You can tell him, how you feel. Let him know that he is not a player but a confuse fellow. Get him to think about his actions without putting him down. that is the last thing he needs.
Hope that helps,
Im a senior patient coordinator at a plastic surgery center in Colombia and 99% of our patients are from North America (80% women - 20% men) and I deal with low self-esteem women/men everyday so I know that everyone who has low self-esteem usually wears a big mask to cover his/her weakness. This is easily spotted by the trained eye.
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