I hope I am not alone
I am scared to death. I have found this site an hour ago and have already found that I am not the only one with issues and have hurt loved ones but I need all support I can get. Right, now I am hanging on with hopes I will heal quicker so I can help my family so here is my story.
I was diagnosed with Bi polar II disorder nine years ago and was medicated but being in high school no one wants to be the crazy girl on medicine. I thought I could handle it myself. I thought I was doing an okay job, I thought the feeling of worthlessness was normal and sleeping around to feel wanted was normal. I met my husband a little over three years ago and he made my life worth living. In the beginning of our relationship we got pregnant and we were unable to keep the baby I wanted too but with the dropping heart rate and being young on top of it, it just wasn’t the right decision for us. I was sad and would get a little uneasy at times but would just put it on the back burner. Slower after that that we got engaged and married 8 months later, I had a second thoughts about the marriage because we had lost something but I knew I loved him and those feelings would pass. Our first year of marriage went well we had our ups and downs but were doing okay. Slowly after that I got weight loss surgery because I had gained 80 pounds within a year which cause me to be unhappy. Let’s skip a little further for year now my husband and I have been doing our separate things and I just thought he hated me and were going through a funk I would tell him that I would feel like roommates and thought he hated me and would try to reassure me that he loved me and I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen but I think I was far too gone into depression I would tell him I can’t understand why I am not happy I have things people would die for. I mean I am 27 have a husband who loves me, we own a home and have to great pets and I felt trapped and unhappy and I told him I needed help he said that it’s a funk and we would pass it. I found myself going out all the time and finding attention elsewhere to make myself wanted and worth something. I ended up cheating on him here and there. Which I know is not right and I have never cheated on anyone in my life and can’t understand why it would happen when I am married. I was trying to feel wanted but in reality it made me feel even more worthless. I ended up telling my husband about two – three weeks ago because I got to the point where I couldn’t breathe and live with the guilt and I have never kept anything from him needless to say he was beyond upset and I know cheating is NOT okay. But, I got in these moods where I just hated myself and it kept happening because I was already worthless. I am currently now going to therapy my therapist thinks I am for Bi Polar II and wants me to get re-evaluated so I can become medicated. My husband loves me and wants to stay together and he forgives me but I am at the point where I have not forgave myself so everything I have done before we were married or even when we were (like details) keep coming out which I know I should stop but I don’t know what to do. I am at the point where I am dying inside. I am trying to forget everything right now because he wants to move forward and get better so we can move on. I am trying but I am hurting (which I should be because I did this). We have a Therapy appointment tomorrow which he is going to and I have psychiatrist appointment tomorrow which he is not going to I want him to but he is not ready. I am really dying inside to the point I don’t want to leave my bed, I don’t want to go to work and when my husband goes to work I am scared he will leave and never come home. I wish I knew more about this disorder before I thought I could handle it myself because I hit rock bottom and almost lost everything. I just can’t bear what I did. I just want to get better because the feeling I am feeling inside is horrible. I just don’t know what to do.
Right now, I think I am on the right track but I don’t know anymore. It is really hard and my husband doesn’t understand my emotional episodes because he doesn’t understand the disorder. I hope I will be okay .Thursday night I had the worse panic attack I have ever had in my life, I was able to claim down at therapy which got me through the night but yesterday the anxiety got so bad to where I got panic attacks and I called every psychiatrist within a 45 mile radius to see me ASAP. My regular doctor was only able to give me xanax to hold me over. Until I get fully evaluated. I want to get on medicine to make me better but I want to forgive myself for what I did to my husband and I think the guilt is killing more and more. I know, I am lucky since he forgave me but I love him and I am so sorry for him but it is really killing me. I hope these feelings go away. My therapist said she also can’t help me fully until I am medicated. So, I go to the therapist Monday morning then the psychiatrist Monday afternoon my husband is willing to go to the therapist not the psychiatrist. I am just so scared. Is it normal that I keep racking my brain on everything I have ever done and thinking why the hell would I do that? Which makes my attacks worse? I think it is part of one of my rants when I am having an episode. I remember having one when I was in high school but I don’t remember how I over came it and why I am so weak now. I am really thankful for you. My husband was been wonderful but he doesn’t understand mental health issues.
I am so scared, I left my values out the door and now that I am level headed I am beside myself. I need support a lot of people don’t understand mental health issues and how they are not excuses they can rule people’s lives. I wish I was given the proper information so I could have been fully aware of the consequences if not medicated.
I know I am very lucky my husband loves me and I am getting better so I can prove to him that I am the person he married. But I am still real scared and lost.
You are NOT alone. I too have Type 2 Bipolar Disorder. I've cheated. I've beaten people up. I can always tell when my meds need to be adjusted when I wake up in jail. I've used. I've hurt. I've angered. I've lost.
You, personally need to get on meds and stable. It may take a while to find the best combination that will work for you, but hang in there!
Once you get stable, start individual counseling ALONE. Group therapy will help, too. Once you get settled in counseling, then you and your husband can work on marital counseling. You must get YOU on the road to feeling better before you can help your marriage.
Your husband must really love you. He's hung in for this long. Let him know how you need to work this. Don't make any decisions until your moods are stable. Help him learn about your condition. Information is easy to come by and I have found most of it to be accurate to some extent.
Good luck and hang in there!
Hi reading this was like reading my life too. I know how alone you must feel and how frustrated yourself and hubby must be. Stay strong and keep writing x
Both of you guys thank you. This is a hard battle and I dont want to lose it. Today is a bad day for me. Well over the weekend I decided I wanted to take my friend out for her birthday so we went to one bar and decided to go to another well i decided to take my meds before i went which was a wrong idea. Some guy kept hitting on me and i would not let me buy me a drink he kept asking for my number i said no i am married. Towards the end of the night after a few drinks i was a drunk i had this smart idea to do body shots but my friend katie did not want to so her two male friends did now i know what you are thinking (REALLY) but they were gay and I didnt see anything wrong with it. Then when I went to clean the sugar off of my neck the bouncer said I was bad (mind you he has always hit on me but I never done anything just flirted here and there) and I said wouldnt you like to clean up this mess and he was like i am working and then i said yeah and i am married. The next day when I was sober I freaked out and told my husband now he was upset about the body shot thing because he knows i would be mad if he did a few off gay females i told him if they were ugly i would not care. He understands that is natural to flirt and stuff, But he does not understand why I cant go out with out him. I told him it is because when i went out before it was because i wanted to feel wanted and I am wanted now and I can't heal this way and I am not ready so now Iam scared and have that icky feeling in my stomach and cant get through my day
Been where you are, done those things, too.
Never intending to going in, and beating myself up after realizing what I'd done.
It comes with the territory, I'm afraid.
You probably know this, but I'll say it anyway: Bipolar meds will NOT work with alcohol, so choose one or the other. I hate to sound harsh, but I'm talking from personal experience here.
I found that once I took my bipolar seriously and stopped self-medicating with massive quantities of alcohol, those compulsive behaviors stopped.
It IS possible to calm down and love yourself and your life.
Meanwhile, there is a LOT of support here on HP -- people who have walked the path before you.
We're here for you!
Thank you so much. I need the kind words. MY husband is a GREAT man who has forgave me I am just trying to forgive myself. You are right, I don't want to drink on my meds it makes things worse and the behavior worse. I just want to get better for him and for me. I need to figure out how to love myself. It is a hard road
How did you forgive yourself? How were you able to move on?
I was misdiagnosed as bipolar, but as a result learned huge amounts about mental illness, brain dysfunction, etc. The more you can find yourself, your core self, the more you can find some internal peace from what your brain is doing. You are not your brain. If you can get to a place inside yourself and find a calm place, you'll find you can observe your thoughts rather than become them. When this happens, you begin to gain more control. There are plenty of times that this doesn't work because your brain is raging and you are an active part of it, seemingly having little control. You just have to accept those times when they happen.
The more you know about the disease and what it does to you, the more you empower yourself to help your body get what it needs to help make corrections. Sometimes mental illness is a result of digestion and assimilation problems, and can actually be corrected. But if there is a lot of organic damage to the brain and body as the disease progresses, the harder it is to overcome. Everyone is different.
You don't have to be your thoughts. You can learn to be independent of them, but it takes huge practice and patience, and a lot of time. The nice thing is that as you practice this idea, your thoughts can get better, but it has to be in combination of healing your body and brain. For most people, meds are important, and it has to be a commitment like a relationship, because part-time meds is only part-time reality.
This is a good community. There are others as well. If interested, you may want to check out a website called TrueHope. Here's a link:
http://www.truehope.com/truehope_bipola … ideos.aspx
My biggest fear is lossing my husband. I am scared in the long run this maybe too much for him and it scares me to death. I know, I did this but I want to make it right. And the thing is I have never cheated before ever or even had the thought of it. All I know is he is my everything
You don't sound bipolar to me. You sound like a depressive. Bipolar is manic depressive meaning you go from the greatest to the lowest like ping pong. I have seen no sign of manic greatness. A personal opinion.
Get expert medical advice and follow precisely their advice. Period
Hi, I have been diagnosed by many psychiatrists(WRONGLY) OF bipolar 2,
I think Daniel had given you some great advice...You have got one person you need to worry about and to FORGIVE and that is YOU! All the beating yourself up just makes you more depressed and you set yourself up for failure. What has happened in your life that makes you think you do not deserve love? We can be our own best friends or our worst enemies and you need to be your best friend not matter what! Unconditional love..maybe you did not get it(most of us didn't since few people truly know how to give it) so we need to learn to become our own parent and give ourselves that love! Your husband sounds great! At least you did not pick someone who would abuse you(many bipolar people do). He was smart enough to realize what you did was meaningless so why can't you..Know this your brain is sending your mind the wrong message...Like if it is a lovely day but the message you are getting is that its about to thunder and rain. I would re-read what Daniel wrote he makes a lot of sense..Also has anyone medicated you before? And you sound more OCD/Panic Disorder then BP!
Have you ever had a bunch of nights where you needed NO sleep? That was how the finally figured out I had ADHD and not BP..I was depressed..But never MANIC! Meds may be the right thing but try to stay on low doses and only anti-depressants don't go on Abilify or Serequel or risperdal..Or at least be informed about what you are putting into your body! Many people have gotten very sick because of these meds..and that won't help your depression. Good Luck and God Bless
My last appointment with the psychiatrist was 2/25/11. I was diagnosed with BIPOLAR AFFECTIVE, DEPRESSION MODERATE AND ANXIETY DISORDER GENERALIZED .I was put on .5 on xanax three times a day as needed and 50 mg of Zoloft daily. I was doing and feeling GREAT. My husband and I were working on things and my bad thoughts were almost gone. But if you read up I had a set back over the weekend which made all my bad thoughts come back worsen. I thank you very much for your kind words and support. I need support right now and My husband is a wonderful person and I am scared if I keep having these thoughts it will make me go crazy and drive him away. I am a good hearted person and I messed up and I need to forgive me myself. I was on the right path but the minor set back really but a weight on me and I hate the feeling.
If you have time to read my hubs , it has most of all my updates on me. I am trying here it is a lot harder to just forgive and forget. I am a dweller and I tend to freak out a lot after all this has happened because I have never done anything like this before ever. It is so hard and I thank you and everyone for all the kind thoughts and words.
There is no silver bullet. You have to keep working with your condition and with whatever meds you may be taking. Your body is probably trying to get accustomed to the meds you're taking, if you haven't had them before. Keep in touch with your Dr. about changes and side effects.
Additionally, it might help you a lot to check out phosphatidyl choline and inositol. They are both completely natural substances, and won't interact with prescrip meds. Choline helps calm racing thoughts, and inositol helps calm the nervous system. I have written about both, and there is plenty of information online about them. Another great help is amino acid caps (the kind that body builders use, and no, they won't cause you to gain muscle). Amino acids help regulate brain chemistry and hormone balance and a bunch of other things. None of these things interferes with prescrip meds. The only thing that might happen is that you may have a slight intolerance, and that's easy to determine and work with.
Where would I get the phosphatidyl choline and inositol.
Today I see the psychiatrist and I am ready. Scared but ready, I was not sure if I should be seeing the psychiatrist but since my therapist is out of town I need to see someone before my thoughts eat me alive. I have not taken my xanax today because for the past few days I have been sleeping like crazy and I think it maybe the xanax. I really thank you for your thoughts. I am beyond scared but ready to get better.
Xanax wiped me out completely. I'm sure that's what's doing it for you. I'm no longer on any meds at all, but it took a while to get there.
Focus on the facts of how the meds are working and side effects, about your thoughts, and try not to let your emotions and fear rule the visit. It will be more productive if you can speak effectively about it and describe your emotions about all this. I know that sounds next to impossible, but just knowing that much might help some. I've been there.
Sending best wishes to you. This may sound weird to you right now, but you are okay the way you are. You are not your thoughts or your brain. You are YOU. Underneath all those other things is where YOU really are, and you are exactly the way you need to be. Bringing YOU out into the open all the time is a lot of work, but just take it a step at a time and be patient and forgiving of your body and brain, knowing they are doing the best they can, and you'll find some peace in that.
Hope you have a fab visit with your Dr.
Thank you. This is the hardest thing in my life I have ever had to deal with.
Amber, below is a post I copied from a message board for people struggling with mental illness. The person who posted it is very knowledgable and stable and has great insights, and has come a very long way in her journey. I'm just giving you this info in case it may help.
Hope things are improving for you.
"I don t think this book has been mentioned here before, but it is worth a read. The book is "The DaVinci Method", by Garret LoPorto. It is about the good side of bipolar and ADD/ADHD, and how to work with your brain instead of against it. He really sees them both as similar, and as a great advantage if you can keep them managed. The book changed my thinking about being bipolar, and now I see it as a great gift instead of a burden. Check it out!
(There is actually no method, but a lot of great tips)"
Today I woke up with such a panic and uneasy feeling. I just can't seem to claim down
getting medical advice, is not always easy if it were, then why would people still be suffering so much.
I know this is going to sound strange but believe me, I know that part of this disorder is the compulsion to tell everyone (EVERYONE!) everything (EVERYTHING!) all the time - and it doesn't help really. doesn't make it change. It's not all about you! So telling all those little details here, for instance, is really just increasing the disorder - because the warped thing is that as you tell it you are kind of enjoying it! (I did this too, so I know, and I had to find out how sick it was)
The only way I've found to combat any psych disorders is to go to a competent, compassionate, therapist (preferably someone who will also give you actual TOOLS to help you heal your spirit and mind - I found this through Buddhism, but there are many ways.) and have your support people encouraging you and help you to go to the therapist
Learn about meditation - really examine your life and in silence give yourself the love to heal and become a better person. Don't expect other people to do this work for you because they can't. You are lucky to have people that love you very much and will stand by you. Also, learn some things about the world and pick something to DO that really involves your MIND. Your mind needs to grow. You may not have been exposed to all the wonderful opportunities this world has to offer. It isn't all about you! there is a lot of narcissicism (sp?) involved in Bipolar II - You will be relieved to find out what it really all is about - LOVE! so good luck to you. If you can't afford a therapist - find a free clinic which will help you get the help you need - I did and I'm very glad. My life is much richer because of it.
and I forgot to mention how very important good nutrition, vitamins, sleep and exercise are for healing - but you already know that! Much better than going to clubs would be to join a hiking group or swim team. You crave activity - go get the kind of action that will help you not drag you down! My best wishes to you and I hope you continue caring for yourself.
Sometimes when I go into detail I think it is going to make it better because I kept so much in. This the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I go to the doctor today maybe she can help me with these thoughts, It is hard, I dont know if speaking out about this is wrong but in some way it makes me feel a little better but the anxiety and pressure are still there.
I have not taken my xanax today because for the past few days I have been sleeping like crazy and I think it maybe the xanax. When I say sleeping like crazy if I am not working I will sleep the whole day away and just get up for water , bathroom and to walk the dog. I get like this when the anxiety and panic episodes happen. I do thank you for your advice and you have been there and overcame yours and I will with mine. I know I can't live in the past but at this moment I beyond scared. If you dont mind I would like to follow you on the hub pages and contact you for advice if you dont mind
Sure! you can contact me through HP email- I will try to help if I can. Tell your doctor that I suggested meditation and someone who really has the tools to help you. Ask about nutrition and what vitamnis, foods etc. will help most. Sleeping when you need to for long periods doesn't hurt, but try to work through it. It may just be an escape your brain is doing because all this self-examination is really hard and painful. Taking meds is a good thing and necessary but it doesn't do the actual healing for you. There is a lot of work involved in this path to healing and you really have to commit to doing the work. By work, I mean thinking and growing and making amends to people when that is necessary. It is like a 12 step program but very personal. No one else needs to know the exact problems and situations - that is for you and your counselor - like something that is between you and God, if you believe in God. I think the best part of your story is that you husband is so there for you and loves you - you may find that he is saving your life this way - literally. You will find your way - you are young and just need to find out what the world really has to offer you. and don't forget to write your journal, make poems - trying to make something useful and beautiful while you are going through this is really helpful to you and others. Reach out to love your husband - that may be just the thing that will help both of you, since he is hurting too. and remember, its not about just going through this situation, its about your whole being, your whole life, and about others who love you too! keeping your sense of humor is good!
I know its silly, but I get a lot of pleasure and energy from doing simple things like watching the different birds that come to the feeder - they are like little clowns! and make me very happy.
Lots of people say how they feel on the forums, it is not always a bad thing, peole dont have to read it if they dont want. i am sorry you were feeling panicky, and hope as the day goes on you feel better. Better to talk than hold it all in, none of us are hear to judge you....... you are amongst friends,
"It's not all about you!" I agree. Maybe to a greater or lesser extent, a number of these disorders are: 'It is all about me'.
you obviously have never had to suffer such things, I am happy for you, comments like that do not usually help. When people are reaching out for help, they do not need to be put down, it is so unfair
"thank you". Not sure for what but you are surely welcome.
Lol, I just need all the postive right now. And 230 cant come any faster
In time we learn it's not all about us, regardless of whether or not there is a disorder involved. It comes with experience and calming ourselves to really understand that idea. But when you're really hurting and feeling scared, you tend to rant and rave to anyone who will listen. It's usually temporary.
"also Bob Newhart!". I believe Newhart was psychologist. But I liked him as well. And indeed what's the difference?
Maybe misconception and illusion.
Check info on inositol powder and choline. Inositol will help calm the nervous system and choline helps calm the brain. I keep them on hand all the time. I have written about panic and anxiety as well, and there are several things you can do to help it besides using prescrip meds. If it's really severe, then you may have to use the meds, but in many cases some of the natural alternatives work for people. Hope this helps.
Hello Amber. My name is Tim, with the pen name of tsmog also my HubPage ID. I have a diagnosis of BPI with other stuff (I won't go into now). I have some suggestions for you that are based on both personal experience and friends with this disorder. I have to be brief or it will become a hub (I discovered).
1) Do not own this disorder. Acknowledge it and accept it. Lose thoughts like saying "I am bipolar," because you are not. What I mean is you are "Amber" and you are diagnosed with a disorder called bipolar II. It is something that can be dealt with. It is not your fault. It is a chemical imbalance. It is both a blessing and a curse. You can manage it and get VERY good at it.
2) Continue therapy.
3) Educate yourself. I recommend "Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Bipolar Disorder" by Monica Ramirez Basco and A. John Rush (ISBN 1-57230-090-6, 1996 The Guilford Press) Check the library and ebay and amazon
4) Take small steps
5) Mood Charting helps with med changes, understanding triggers, and getting therapeutic help from both your pdoc = psychiatrist and your tdoc = therapist (bipolar chat room language - smile)
6) See Hear Do Teach (or help others)
Keep up the good work! Give you hubby a hug and shake his hand for me
More on Mood charting
A Great community site for BP
http://bipolar.about.com/od/support/a/c … y_news.htm
remember to have fun, fun, fun
You are a good mentor.
Sending all the best to you and Amber.
I have not had time to read all these posts but i am going to look at your hubs.
It's unfortunate you have been diagnosed with such a condition, but many people keep their husbands, manage life and do it well. So can you .... thinking of you, speak later.
"you obviously have never had to suffer such things, I am happy for you,"
I thank you for your happiness. Actually I been schizophrenic and Bipolar for 40 years. If you been for one minute I will accept your criticism. Otherwise...
i was not meaning to be unkind...... but if you have bipolar, you must know that the last thing you want to hear from someone, when you are having a bad time is...... it is not all about you. You do not want to know my history on this subject you really do not honestly. Please accept my apology, i was just thinking of amber, sometimes i have known these forums to be a life line for some, if only temporary of course........ i should let her speak for herself though of course........
" Please accept my apology,". Of course I accept your apology, but no apology needed.
It is not about me and thus I cannot be offended. And you should blast me if you think I am wrong. It is the responsible thing to do.
why would i blast you....... my daughter says to me sometimes, when i am all emotional..... IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU....... it is the only time, i feel like well not killing her but you know what i mean...... People with these problems have low self esteem, and need there confidence boosting. I have just been reading your hubs actually, you write well....
Dealing with the diagnosis, trying to figure yourself out, etc., is a long process. It is all about "me" during this phase. But as one heals, accepts, and continues on, we finally realize it isn't all about "me", and that life is inclusive of a lot of other wonderful things and people.
You can't rush the process much. It just has to happen as we are ready for it to happen. The "me" stage is not bad. It just is. It passes as we become more aware of who we are and how we want to live our lives.
Coming from one who has been through the whole thing.
Thank You. "low self esteem,"
could otherwise be called original sin
or born with no worth. You are right 'all about me' is all about self-worth.
Amber, I think the wisest thing you can do is to step away from EVERYTHING you use to self medicate and concentrate on getting professional help. I just recently wrote two hubs about this very issue and you're welcome to take a look at them. If you choose not to, though, there are some great websites and books out there.
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageSer … ename=home
This site has a great number of resources including LOCAL support groups and hotlines.
Also, you may require more frequent therapy for a while or even a short hospital stay.
DON'T GIVE UP! The view from the top of the mountain is too beautiful to give up on the trip up there.
Nothing against whatever, however I have talked to psychologists and even psychiatrists, not in a clinical but rather social settings, who did not have
a clue what they were dealing with as schizophrenia and bipolar and other psychologies. It is another reality.
if someone has actually been diagnosed with bipolar, surely there should be someone out there that gave the diagnosis to help.
Kindness goes a long way, does not cure, but helps a lot, my sister was bipolar, some days one thoughtless comment could tip her right over the edge.......
"surely there should be someone out there that gave the diagnosis to help."
The drug companies are making billions on anti-psychotic drugs. The clinician does not get paid by the insurance companies unless they diagnose the patient with something. Not to worry almost anything is
a disorder "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" think about 1500, to include shortly conspiratorial political thinking is a mental disease.
And finally for the moment, most people with these sorts of problems can't afford
therapy. Cheaper and more profitable to given them drugs.
I really that everyone from the bottom of my heart. This is one of the hardest things I have ver had to deal with. I have a lot of self guilt and since I lost my job I haven't been to therapy in a few weeks and the last time I saw my shrink she just gave me pills. I wish everyone on here was closer today is a bad panic attack day for me and it's killing me to hide
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by amber112483 8 years ago
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