The Morning Conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama #21

A fictional (and satirical) account of the private morning conversations of Barack & Michelle Obama by Dexter Yarbrough. Number 21 in the series.

Conversation via secured phone line - Michelle in Johannesburg, South Africa. Barack in Oval Office.

Barack: Michelle? Are you on the line?

Michelle: Hi! Yes, I am here!

Barack: How are you and the girls?

Michelle: We are doing well. South Africa is beautiful! How are you?

Barack: Doing well and yes, I am behaving myself.

Michelle: Great! You read my mind. President Mandela says hello and looks forward to visiting with you.

Barack: Let Madiba know that I will call him soon! I have great news, Michelle! I think I have this election sewn up. I know I was feeling down a few weeks ago, but we have it!

Michelle: Oh, Lord! OK, I am listening.

Barack: Well, my advisers and a university professor have come up with some figures and educated thoughts. The Republicans can't win!

Michelle: Get on with it, Barack! I have some sightseeing to do today!

Barack: OK. But first, I was reading today that Michele Bachmann told The Republican Leadership Conference last week that I failed the black community. Can you believe that? What a loser!

Michelle: I doubt Bachmann even knows more than 5 black people! How absurd. When was the last time she went into a black or Latino community and tried to help someone? Never!

Barack: Yeah, I know! But this is the thing - the American people are ignorant about economics. This is why I should be defeated, but won't!

Michelle: I don't follow you.

Barack: It's simple math. Black's will vote for me blindly. It doesn't matter what I do. I am one of them.

Michelle: OK.

Barack: College educated women will vote for me. They love how I talk and love how I look! Ha ha ha!

Michelle: Yeah, just don't you go Tweeting your wiener to those college girls!

Barack: C'mon, Michelle. Anyway, the liberals and the Democrats will vote for me because I am their hope and will carry them to victory nationwide!

Michelle: Hmmm. Continue.

Barack: As long as I am seen as the path to citizenship for illegal immigrants, Latinos - they will vote for me.

Michelle: Congressman Luis Gutierrez said he was going to try and get them to withhold their votes because of the record number of deportations. He says you have failed on immigration.

Barack: The Republicans say I am not doing enough and Luis says we are deporting too much! Damn! I will talk to Luis - maybe give him a perk or two. He will come around. Plus, Latino leaders carry political weight in our party. They aren't going to give that up.

Michelle: Go on.

Barack: The Republicans have pissed off union members all over the nation with their elitist attitudes against working people. I am the union members' key to money and power in business as well as state and local politics.

Michelle: Really?

Barack: Yes. As for business, I have almost a billion dollars in my campaign war chest. As long as I give them access to taxpayer money, they will support my social and political agenda. More campaign dollars are coming in everyday!

Michelle: I would agree on that.

Barack: Yes. And you know the media loves me! To not love me would be racist!

Michelle: I don't know about playing the race card.

Barack: I'm not! It's that liberal media guilt. Plus, the media wants to play up the Republicans like they have a chance to win because it means millions of dollars in advertising money for them!

Michelle: I see your point.

Barack: And you know that the Jews, Muslims, American Indians and most homosexuals will vote for me, simply because they just won't vote Republican.

Michelle: How do you know this, Barack?

Barack: People won't say it but many white Christians really don't like Jews. They talk that 'support Israel' stuff. But let a Jew move next door to them! Hate crimes against Jews by white Christians is way up. Do I need to say anything about the Muslims? Republicans talk that crap about the Constitution, but conveniently forget about freedom of religion. Also, they talk about the founding fathers creating America as a Christian nation, but fail to acknowledge that most of them were deists and hated religion. Just read the words of Franklin, Jefferson and Washington.

Michelle: Powerful observation! Go on.

Barack: As for the American Indians, all one has to do is evoke the image of Reagan in a cowboy hat and John Wayne on a horse - enough to drive them to get a Democratic ticket.

Michelle: And homosexuals?

Barack: Well, as soon as the Conservative Christian Right pull out their bibles and start quoting scriptures about how they are right and homosexuality is wrong - enough said!

Michelle: I only have a few more minutes, Barack.

Barack: Alright. And half of independent voters will vote for me, just because! Also, just think, one half of all adults pay no taxes and most of them receive money from the government. They are not going to do anything to stop the flow of taxpayer money to themselves! I can't lose!!

Michelle: Well, your advisers think you are a winner, huh?

Barack: Yep!

Michelle: I am going to visit on the phone for a few more minutes and share with you some sayings of Leroy.

Barack: Leroy?!

Michelle: Yeah, you know Leroy. From da' hood. He's a winner. Leroy is disillusioned by the way government is running. He has a message for you, so...

Barack: (sarcastically) Here we go.

Michelle: he decided to put some words into sentences for you.

SELDOM - The government sent me two free cellphones, so I SELDOM.

DISAPPOINTMENT - The welfare lady tol' me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT, they gon' cut off my check.

INCOME - Damn! My hoe jus' got in bed wit da Senator and INCOME his wife.

DIMENSION - Man, food prices is high, my cousin Tequanda is high and not DIMENSION high ass gas prices!

DECIDE - I like my fried chicken, collard greens and corn bread on the same plate - but I like to have my watermelon on DECIDE.

MOBILE - I tol' the Congressman I was short on payin' him for gettin' my girl a gubberment job. Still, he said "give me one MOBILE."

ISRAEL - The judge tol' me I had to pay $100 a month in chile support. I said " dude, you must be fakin'." He said, mockin' me, "No, ISRAEL."

UNDERMINE - I got a Section 8 voucher for an apartment. Man, there is a fine lookin' sista' UNDERMINE!

Barack: (laughing hysterically) If Leroy were real, he would be a loser! Ha ha ha! Michelle, this is funny but what is "Leroy's" point?

Michelle: Leroy says, "SELDOM has he had such DISAPPOINTMENT in this DIMENSION. If you DECIDE to continue to UNDERMINE his INCOME he will get MOBILE and head off to ISRAEL."

Barack: But Michelle, there is no real thought behind his statements. It's just silly! I mean...it really sounds dumb!

Michelle: Yep. (hangs up the phone) Girls! Let's go!

Stay Tuned for More 'Morning Conversations...' with Barack & Michelle Obama, next time! - Dexter Yarbrough

Copyright 2011.