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Mothers lessons of conditioning - My lovers sorrow

Updated on June 19, 2013
Heart Shaped Elephant Noses
Heart Shaped Elephant Noses

You'll Be My Greatest Regret

Remember this Frankie; write this down and know it’s your fuel. With this in the blaze the fire so f*#&*g unbearable will be but dancing lights and shadows.

‘You would be my worst regret.’

That’s what he said to you.

‘Please don’t make me do this, don’t make me choose, you or me. All my life I’ve waited for you, for your captivating mind and your wild gypsy spirit to weave in and out of mine.

I’ve watched and stood by as all around others fail to see the breaking glass and chaos created and starting all about them. Selfish and caught; heads bowed.’

‘Yes, remember how easy everyone lies and settles mostly just for half truths and consensus. I’ve waited, decidedly for truth. For the real deal, for the spark of defiance I’ve seen in your eyes and you bring relief and resolve. I’ve seen the future, profound and sure as I close my eyes, in your embrace. I find my forever.’

Remember- How you could hardly breath as you battled your lover.

Breaking his heart; his tears – your worst fear.

‘I want to spend forever with you, but you have to get back to being you. Screw what they all did to you. Can’t you see why I hate them? Do you see it now? I’ll never see that stupid bi^$h as less than the monster she is. Or your brother. Or Jim. Don’t expect it of me, I can’t tell you it’s okay anymore. Can’t watch them abuse you anymore, make you settle for their moral compass, justification they seek. Absolution. You all they know so beautiful.’

‘I’ve never worked so hard to put someone else in front of me. I stopped mid-move to the west coast to be with you. I’ve changed everything. All my wild ways, living with the breeze, surfing the sands of burning man.’

Remember his plea –

‘Please get better. Let me help you. You have to let someone help, but please let me.’ His voice cracking.

Because I combat. I perpetuate the violence. My mind itching to heal. I fear illness another birth licked by fever and shattered dream.

Monkeys all over

Climbing up and down.

I’ve let them all in.

I’m so fu&#$d up sitting here.

-WAKE UP! WAKE UP! I chant from unseen lips somewhere inside.-

Paplo Picasso - Crying Woman
Paplo Picasso - Crying Woman

Or go somewhere to find yourself if you need and come back to me when your better – If you can’t get better… I don’t know what I will do. Because you will be broken by regret and I couldn’t bear that.’

Remember now – write this down

While perspective still is seen by you

Before you melt your gold in pot.

‘I fu*k&ng love you. You’re so amazing to me. But you are not well. Your mind is ill.’

You’ve never had better reason to wake up.

A phoenix rises in the night

Weeping your spirit builds the fire.

Higher and higher it grows as betrayals

Are called out at into the night.

‘You’re the one who is special. Maybe your meant to break the cycle with me.’

Remember - the gasp for air as he promised you a family. Remember your groom on the back of elephant watching you as Asians delight and feed fruit guiding you to him. Buddha the wise one joining the braids of spirit as he wraps around your forehead the tigers eye of absolution. As you’ve dreamed before. You remember how he promised love instead of war. He begs of me and ink pulls forth from me. Choking on it.

Seeking Absolution
Seeking Absolution

I set down the phone.

Devils swim through my mind and done,

I realize my mind is wet with sweat from illness,

And I fuc&^&g hate you.

You cowardly mean old shrew.

I’ll clear my head tomorrow.

Puffs, puffs, puffs – tomorrow.

Steeped in regret,

I stand in front of the mirror, and with wings of light shadows dance away, I burn all parts of me that are still numb with the pieces of me that act like you. With your lessons of conditioning.

You left me here, standing on the border of a line scarcely defining the space separating fight or flight and perspective. My mind is ill as you cough your whoopee all over me.

At trailer; Mother

Drinks, drinks, drinks.

May the scorch of hell erase her from me. The opulence of flames flickering and chasing shadows to unseen corners everywhere is what puts a pen to hand as I defend my mind and beating like epic bass are the winds of 8 foot wings.

Remember holding as he calmed to speak and you wanted to die.

‘Come back to me. Come back soon. Please. Come back to me. Don’t you understand Frankie? You’ll be my greatest regret.’

Rebirth. REVERB; the lick of flames.


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    • frankieonfire profile image

      frankieonfire 4 years ago from Eureka, CA

      Yes - this was a defining moment. It was written in a way that would allow an experience of intense emotions to be felt. This is very much so an inner narritive. I think though that you have forgotten a third option - the option that includes a compromise given and felt as two people come closer and closer to understanding each-other. A game of tug a war that never can be won, nor should it. Thanks Philly for being such a thoughtful reader and fan. I always enjoy your comments. They challenge me.

    • PHILLYDREAMER profile image

      Jose Velasquez 4 years ago from Lodi, New Jersey

      I felt some power in these words. I was confused most of the way, but I got the image of a woman fighting her nature because she loved a man so much. I feel like the message is you can be two things at once. You either have to be you, or what others want you to be. If you can't decide you'll eventually lose your mind.

    • frankieonfire profile image

      frankieonfire 4 years ago from Eureka, CA

      Astra - you get it. Thanks so much for seeing and appreciating. I am wordless in your praise. Without a pen in hand I would be lost. The guts come from my instinct to thrive instead of spirit death. If my words touch you.. imagine those close to the brink of insanity. Not all violence has to perpetuate.

    • Astra Nomik profile image

      Cathy Nerujen 4 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

      Feeling so broken and bring oneself back from the precipice... fixing the mind and mending the heart after such tumultuous events in a life...

      Your writing tunnels into places some never want to venture, and the untouched void inside us all, perhaps that place nearest to our insanity... becomes the page that your words will fill. You just blow me away with your writing. Who writes like this? Who has the guts to write words this audacious?

      I will never tell you to stop writing, Frankie. Honestly, no one can tell you that. :)

    • frankieonfire profile image

      frankieonfire 4 years ago from Eureka, CA

      Thanks! I am so flattered. I would be grateful to see it there! Was a hard thing to write.. or actually.. just to sit down to. It flowed like water though once I did. I intend to write and write until people tell me to stop.. and then I'll probably just write more :)

    • blaise25 profile image

      Fehl Dungo 4 years ago from close to you...

      I fuc**** loved every part of this. Your words are sharp and always "on fire". Of all the creative writings I read here in HP, I think this must be featured in the homepage.

      I love your style. Write more and you wont regret it :)

    • frankieonfire profile image

      frankieonfire 4 years ago from Eureka, CA

      Absolutely. My love; he is amazing.

    • profile image

      Richard-Murray 4 years ago

      strong cry of love:)