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Part 7 of The Family Sarnath: Father knows Best, because Father is a Malignant Alien Bent on Humanity's Destruction

Updated on June 3, 2011
Yog-Sothoth- every bit as gross-looking as he sounds.
Yog-Sothoth- every bit as gross-looking as he sounds.

Chapter 14: The Billy Problem

Dagon didn't really want to eat Dolly, but when Billy presented his sister, bound in a kettle drum and slow-marinated in a tangy plum sauce, the Babylonian fish-god just couldn't help himself. But despite Dagon's obedience to his ultimate master- his stomach- the Deep Ones mourned the loss of the young Keane girl, and began discussing what to do about the increasingly irreverent and power-hungry Billy.

Billy was now completely out of control. His moods shifted from delusional aspirations of global domination, to self-loathing thoughts of suicide, to murderous intentions of patricide. It was soon after the disappearance of Dolly when Mr. and Mrs. Keane began discussing "the Billy problem." Unfortunately, Billy had deemed his mother and father expendable long ago, and viewed them as little more than small, removable road blocks in his path to ultimate occultic success. Furthermore, unbeknownst to Mr. and Mrs. Keane, Billy's previous allegiance to Dagon and Cthulhu was now fully shifted to that ancient mess of disgusting globularness, the Outer god Yog-Sothoth.

Chapter 15: "Flopping" and "Slithering" are Two Very Disturbing Adverbs in Relation to an Unnameable Beast

It was while contemplating whether a more traditional form of discipline for Billy would suffice (spanking, confinement, x-box removal), or if a more progressive approach was required (physical intimidation, psychological manipulation, limb removal) when Billy preemptively struck. With a string of blasphemous and guttural words of terror, Billy knocked Mr. Keane to the floor, and scurried to the kitchen, giggling maniacally while fetching the most blunt object he could find: Mrs. Keane's meat tenderizing hammer.

Horrified at this sudden turn of events, Mr. and Mrs. Keane holed themselves up in the upstairs bedroom, effectively barring the hammer-wielding Billy from inflicting major trauma upon their persons. Hours passed while the Thing-conjuring chants of Billy echoed hauntingly throughout the house. A moment's silence occurred, followed by an exultant cry of victory by young Billy, and then...the sound of the the flopping, clumsy slithering of some massive, lumbering entity drawing closer and closer to the Keane's upstairs sanctuary.

A Great Collection of Lovecraft's Work

Chapter 16: "The Name's JEFF!"

With the howl of a thousand young goats, the Nameless Thing slapped its slimy body against Mr. and Mrs. Keane's bedroom door, mindlessly obeying the will of its 10-year-old master, Billy Keane. As the door began to give way, metaphorical darkness fell upon the Keane parents, and hope became a fleeting thing. Suddenly, the sound of a young voice could be heard downstairs, and Billy, distracted, momentarily ceased control over his slimy and energetic pile of mouths and eyeballs.

Jeffy, that weak-willed, rebellious young fool who was last seen being pulled into the ocean by a mass of slippery tentacles, had returned! Mr. and Mrs. Keane strained to hear the conversation now being held between Jeffy and Billy below, fearing that a vengeful Jeffy may indeed assist his older brother in his nefarious plot to offer up his parents in some gross and messy ritual sacrifice to a cosmic being that resembled a pile of spaghetti and teeth.

At that moment, the telepathic voice of The P.J. entered Mrs. Keane's mind, pressing her to attack crazy little Billy while Jeffy distracted him. With no other recourse but to trust the infant-looking Deep One, Mrs. Keane ever so slowly slipped past the now sleeping Nameless Thing (who was, incidentally, oozing some slick, translucent slime all over the newly carpeted stairs), crept into the kitchen where Billy and Jeffy stood, and brought a cast-iron fry pan down upon little Billy's blonde-haired dome. Jeffy looked up, smiled, and embraced his mother with what felt to be somewhat, slimier arms.

As Billy lie unconscious on the kitchen floor, a look of angelic contemplation on his face, Mrs. Keane carried his slumbering, little body upstairs, tucked him gingerly into his race-car shaped bed, kissed him ever so softly on the cheek, and administered a deadly poison into his median cubital vein. Thus ended the tyrannical aspirations of ten-year-old Billy Keane.

The End is Neat!


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    • jreuter profile image

      Jason Reuter 6 years ago from Portland, Oregon

      Thanks much K. Burns! I've put a lot of work into these, and will hopefully finish the story in Part 8. Glad you liked it, and I appreciate the comment.

    • K. Burns Darling profile image

      Kristen Burns-Darling 6 years ago from Orange County, California

      A very different and creative way to look at both The Family Circus and H.P. Lovecraft.... It reminds me in some ways of my gaming days, in which the works of Lovecraft were a big part of the picture! A unique idea, nicely written, and humorous!