let me be...

1. 60

   ilovepoetryposted 14 years ago

   let me be the water of the deep wide sea,
   drown you with in me,
   cover you with ecstacey.
   let me be the wind and wisper in your ears,
   be the only word you will ever hear.
   i will be the tree you would rest by,
   to get a peace of mind.
   let me be the sun above the sky,
   shine on you every moarning,
   make you feel the greatness of every day.

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   1. 0

      BIKTMIAposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I like "let me be"
      
      , ever just liked to be let be
      but yet commitment kept you tied to thee
      Let me be
      and set my mind free
      from the problems that trouble thee
      Your life is not mine, just a choice
      to strive divine,
      let me be and set your soul free from
      problems and disharmony

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2. 60

   ilovepoetryposted 14 years ago

   ppls critic my poetry pls!

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   1. 0

      DoorMattnomoreposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      write a hub. It last longer.  I see you've been here four weeks and not one hub. If you really want critiques, you can post a hub in the "extreme hub makeover forum"
      
      good luck and a late welcome to HP! 

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3. 61

   Ninjah Kittenposted 14 years ago

   I did notice that you spelled ecstasy. Unless you purposely spelled it the way you did?
   
   And I couldn't exactly tell whether you wanted to say 'shine on you every "morning"'. or if you really meant "moarning"
   
   Other than that, it is a pretty good poem I think.

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4. 60

   ilovepoetryposted 14 years ago

   thanks for your comment will go through it once!

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5. 75

   Ben Evansposted 14 years ago

   I am the water
   in the deep blue sea.
   Swim in my essence
   as you drown in me.
   
   This is a little start.  The meter looks a little better this way.
   
   "cover you with ecstacey."  Doesn't really fit in with the meter.
   I cant really fit it anywhere.
   
   I am the cool wind
   who whispers and blows
   words you want to hear
   with love it bestows.
   
   
   
   
   
   I prefer "I am" as opposed to "let me".  "Let me" is a older traditional sense in poetry.  I think it is hard to write poetry with classical words.  That is just me.  I tried to break this into a more readable meter.  I might of changed the meaning a little so this is just an example that you can use to rewrite.
   
   I think there are some good things in your poem and I like the over all message and the use metaphor.  However, if it is put in a more readable fashion, the words will carry more impact in the readers mind.  It will be pleasant for the mind to read so people will enjoy reading it.
   
   I hope this helps.

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6. 66

   Joy56posted 14 years ago

   My initial feeling about your poem is I like it very much,,,,,, If you change it to suit anyone else, then it is not you.......  Keep writing, i will look out for more of your work,  Thanks for sharing,.

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7. 60

   ilovepoetryposted 14 years ago

   thank you very much for the critic ppls,

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8. 61

   Ninjah Kittenposted 14 years ago

   Not a problem. I just hope it helped you a little.

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9. 61

   Jaggedfrostposted 14 years ago

   Drown you with in me
   
   Are you drowning with them?
   are they drowning in you or being submerged?
   not only does the grammar not check out which isn't really a problem in poetry but two things that could be separate lines are oddly thrown together.

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10. 0

    BIKTMIAposted 14 years ago

    Moving on
    what is good for you stays positive
    what isn't always shows you just that
    when you prove a wrong right then you have surcome
    to what is the wrong
    Moving on
    What is for you , always reflects what it is
    Moving on,  have you moved on,  changed or remained the same
    Moving on to what is for you.

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11. 49

    linzel13posted 14 years ago

    i really like the poem it helpt me out read my poem love is a gamble

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