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how to start a fight

  1. OLYHOOCH profile image60
    OLYHOOCHposted 6 years ago

    HOW TO START A FIGHT

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

    The next year,  I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started...
    ------------------

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

    'No,' she answered.  I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...
    _______________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started...
    _______________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

    kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes",  she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we

    split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
    care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.  Always something more important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    ________________________________
    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked the boat up the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.  I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.  I cuddled  up to my wife's back, now with a
    different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...
    _______________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started......
    _______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...
    ------------------------
    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to  me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started...

    OLY

    1. Dave Mathews profile image61
      Dave Mathewsposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      I love these little stories. Getting a fight started is easy, but getting it to stop is the difficult part.

    2. Cagsil profile image60
      Cagsilposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      lol lol

    3. uncorrectedvision profile image60
      uncorrectedvisionposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      If this is original material you should be getting paid for it.  So very funny!

      1. Cagsil profile image60
        Cagsilposted 6 years agoin reply to this

        If it was original material of his own, do you seriously think he would post it here, before earning from it? lol

        1. uncorrectedvision profile image60
          uncorrectedvisionposted 6 years agoin reply to this

          True, true.

      2. OLYHOOCH profile image60
        OLYHOOCHposted 6 years agoin reply to this

        NO, I get e-mail from all across the United States and some foreign Country"s.

        I am writing a book thou. When I reinstall it in my new Computer, I will continue it.

        Thank You,

        OLY

    4. dutchman1951 profile image59
      dutchman1951posted 6 years agoin reply to this

      this made me laugh, excelent thread

  2. profile image0
    Brenda Durhamposted 6 years ago

    ROFL!
    big_smile

  3. prettydarkhorse profile image64
    prettydarkhorseposted 6 years ago

    Thank you for the laugh!

  4. optimus grimlock profile image60
    optimus grimlockposted 6 years ago

    awesomely funny write more when you can!!!

  5. maven101 profile image80
    maven101posted 6 years ago

    Thanks to everyone for these hilarious morning laughs...Here's another one that cracked me up:

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

    So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"

    And then the fight started.....

    1. manlypoetryman profile image78
      manlypoetrymanposted 6 years agoin reply to this
  6. manlypoetryman profile image78
    manlypoetrymanposted 6 years ago

    Oly from Montana...You is my kind'a redneck...and I sure had me some good laughs over this!

  7. profile image0
    Home Girlposted 6 years ago

    Yesterday, I found this in a Russian newspaper. It is not a humor, joke, it's a real ad. Guys are selling some interior decorations or smth. They show pictures with explanations under it in Russian and English. Russian description is okay. English says: Europain and fruit bowels - $25 each. 1 termouse,( thermos, I guess) -$10. I probably should call and order some europain or may be a termouse for my cats.

  8. Stan Fletcher profile image74
    Stan Fletcherposted 6 years ago

    The last two in particular were AWESOME!  Loved it.

    1. paradigmsearch profile image94
      paradigmsearchposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for bumping this. smile

  9. profile image0
    Motown2Chitownposted 6 years ago

    All funny - last two absolutely BRILLIANT!

  10. paradigmsearch profile image94
    paradigmsearchposted 6 years ago

    Bumped to assist dead forum. smile

  11. The Quiz Master profile image74
    The Quiz Masterposted 6 years ago

    First thing I read today, made me laugh, thanks.

 
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