I need some advice, I dont know what to do.

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   kmackey32posted 13 years ago

   Too make a long story short, my 11 yr old son decided to go for a bike ride yesterday, while I was working. My 16 yr old daughter was babysitting and he decided to ride his bike to tops early in the morning before she was awake. He went inside and lit a fire. There were people inside and someone could of gotton hurt. He is being charged with 1st degree arson.The police said there was over 100 thousand in damage and the store will go after both parents for damages.  After returning home from work my daughter told me he was running around the house screaming at her saying someone was trying to light my house on fire. I looked out back and noticed a burnt deck of cards. I know he did it, tops has him on camera. He is now at his fathers and I am scared to death to ever let him come back. I feel like I am turning my back on him but I have 2 other children and a grandbaby on the way.. I dont know what to do anymore, I know my son needs some serious help before someone gets hurt although his father has claimed for years there is nothing wrong with his son.

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      cosetteposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      
      
      
      well it sounds like you got some good advice here. i'm so sorry this is happening to you and your son. start Google-ing for any and all information that you think might help your son, including free or scale psychiatric help for him, and get your husband involved as well and plan the next step for him. don't feel guilty for keeping him at his father's - he is in a safe place and your other children are safe as well. at least now your husband realizes that your son really does need help. good luck to you and your family at this difficult time.

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      Ladybythelake55posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Your son is in need of serious help but until he realizes it there is little or nothing anyone can do to help him. The first thing anyone does is to deny that they are in need of help rather than to go seek it out. They see it as a sigh of weakness rather than a sign of strength.

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      Sylvie Strongposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Do not continue discussing this issue on this forum.  You are risking significant harm to yourself and your family.  Whether you would "say the same thing in court" is besides the point.  I hope you get the advice and guidance you need but you need to find somewhere other than an online forum to do so.

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   SteveoMcposted 13 years ago

   This does not seem like the most likely place to get great advice on this topic.   However, I do have a suggestion:
   
   Contact your local mental health agency and ask for help.  They will have a variety of services including assessment that should help you and the father decide what to do.   
   
   You child needs help, and you need help with this issue.

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   rebekahELLEposted 13 years ago

   that's sad, is tops a store? 
   
   I don't think you need to feel like you're turning your back on him, you simply don't know what to do. Let him stay with his father until you've had time to figure out the best solution. something is not right if he's destroying property on purpose. does he have problems in school? is there a counselor you can speak with? they have many resources that can help you.  good luck.

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   kmackey32posted 13 years ago

   Tops is a grocery store and it was open with people inside...

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   Flightkeeperposted 13 years ago

   He set a business on fire.  That's not normal and something is wrong regardless of what his father says.  I think you're going to need extra help and I think it's a good idea to have him stay at his Dad's. I agree with SteveoMc.
   
   Just my 2 cents.

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   kmackey32posted 13 years ago

   yes, i am scared for him to be here...

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   Website Examinerposted 13 years ago

   This is a public forum, easily searchable. You may want to consider that what you say here could affect your legal position.

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   kmackey32posted 13 years ago

   Well, I am a very honest person. What I say here I would say in court.

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   Website Examinerposted 13 years ago

   I think someone in your position might want to see a lawyer about that. But that is up to you to decide.

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    kmackey32posted 13 years ago

    I cant afford a lawyer

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       Stimpposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       I can't help in the child area.....does sound like he is screaming out for something...attention whatever.
       
       At any rate, there are legal services for people who can't afford them.  Here in WI, and in our county, we can go to the courthouse on the first Monday of the month for free legal advise.  There are attornies there all day....you just go in and sign up.  So call social serivces and ask for services like that and maybe what your rights are, suggestions, counseling services, etc.  Social services is a good place to start.
       
       Good luck, hun....this TOO shall pass.

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    Rafiniposted 13 years ago

    I'd say you have some major decisions to make.
    
    Dad is making your job more difficult.  Is it worth it to you to allow Dad to take over full time parenting?  Or, would you rather take full custody?  Do you feel your son is a threat to himself or others?  If yes - he most likely would need in-patient services.  Do you have a good support network?  Is fire starting the only issue you have with your son? 
    
    These will not be easy decisions to make but it must be done.  You need to know what you are capable of handling while analyzing the alternatives.  What are the best options for you, your son, your family, your unborn grandchild?  Some decisions can be permanent and some can be corrected. 
    
    The most important thing at this moment is to get help for your son - consider your options while doing whats best for your child.     Good luck!

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    kmackey32posted 13 years ago

    I do feel he is a threat to himself and others...

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       rebekahELLEposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       and he is. these are cries for attention. I would make some calls to counseling services asap while your son is still very aware that he has done something very wrong. and since his father now agrees he needs help, it is in your son's best interest for both of you to support him with outside services. the link below may have some helpful advice. good luck.
       
       http://www.focusas.com/Firesetting.html

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          Mishaposted 13 years agoin reply to this

          I think this is the key to the situation, and to fixing it. I don't know how will you deal with 100K damage, but I am pretty much sure your son needs more love. Only you and his father can give it to him.
          
          I feel for you Kristie, and good luck!

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             kmackey32posted 13 years agoin reply to this

             I dont have 100 thousand... my home is only worth 15 thous. and I work parttime...

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    kmackey32posted 13 years ago

    Right now I dont think the best decision would be to argue with his father. I think for dillons sake we need to be on the same page.

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Right.  Will his father go along with treatment plans?  Or, will he undermine your efforts?  Only you can make the decisions as to what you should do regarding his father.  The most important thing is getting help for your son whether or not his father goes along with the program.

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          kmackey32posted 13 years agoin reply to this

          Yes he has now called a Doctor for him...

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             Lisa HWposted 13 years agoin reply to this

             As long as his father called a doctor - that's the first step.  The doctor can take it from there, and will probably be glad to see you and your son's father being willing to work together and with him.
             
             Anyone (including a juvenile) charged with a crime is appointed an attorney if the family can't afford one.    So, your son will have those two professionals addressing the "whole picture".  Children's Services won't let your son go without whatever help he needs, so your not having loads of money to afford some kinds of help shouldn't stop him from getting the help he needs.  I'm under the impression (at least in Massachusetts, but I know you're in PA) that lawyers may be appointed for parents under some circumstances when Children's Services
             has become involved.  Right now you're probably still kind of in the "shock" of having this happen, but with all the adults working together and aiming to stay on the page, it will iron out bit by bit.
             
             Your son is just about at the age when he's entering one of the most challenging ages for kids (especially boys), even for kids who don't have any "medication-requiring issues".   Maybe all you can do is be glad he'll be getting some help now.
             
             Hang in.  It's rough, but chances are it will all iron out.  Good luck with this difficult situation.

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    kmackey32posted 13 years ago

    His father knows now he needs a doctor although he didnt think anything was wrong with his son for years...

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       Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       okay, stupid question.  why didn't you get help for your son earlier?  I didn't wait for my ex to agree before taking my son to a psychiatrist - in fact, my ex is still somewhat in denial about my sons issues.  If I would have waited my son would not have received the help he needed.
       
       My point is - do what you feel is right.  You don't have to wait for validation especially when you're expecting it to come from someone who refuses to see the truth you live with on a daily basis.

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    kmackey32posted 13 years ago

    I got help for my son years ago.. his father stoped the counseling and meds for dillon saying in court there was nothing wrong...

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    Daniel Carterposted 13 years ago

    Now that everything is a legal matter, I don't see how you can avoid getting an attorney. You may want to check into a public defender, or someone who will take your case pro bono (without charge). Your exhusband's denial that there is nothing wrong with your son isn't going to go well in any circle from this day forward, so don't pay any attention to what he says. Just make sure that he is accountable as a parent, and that's another reason why you need an attorney.
    
    I couldn't afford an attorney for my legal woes a few years back, but I had to do it anyway, or lose my whole life (and I lost EVERYTHING I own and will pay for it for years to come).
    
    Don't say I can't. Say I CAN. Otherwise, you will only be a victim who was taken advantage of yet again. It's time for you to be proactive and protect yourself.

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    Jane@CMposted 13 years ago

    I agree this isn't really the place to post this.  I'd get an attorney & mental health help NOW.  There are plenty of attorneys who work pro bono & you just need to suck up the mental health part - he needs help & who else is going to get it for him?  You are his mother.  He is 11 years old - Child Protection will most likely step in if proper help isn't obtained for him.  Just my two cents.

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       kmackey32posted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Yea I have called child protective services myself  a few times...

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    Ohmaposted 13 years ago

    Kmackey I noticed you live in Pa. sorry hun so do I. The issue if psychiatric care and housing will shortly be taken out of your hands. Children and Youth will see to that. I know that is not the answer you are looking for but it is the reality of the situation.
    You need a lawyer, You need to get pro-active and stay that way.

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    thisisoliposted 13 years ago

    I would say the boys father is going to be in trouble if he has refused mental health medication for the boy, and now he has done this.
    
    Legally I have no idea though, hope it all works out for the best though.

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    KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

    That was EXCELLENT advice, LisaHW and I agree with all of it.  The court should appoint an attorney if one cannot be afforded.  Things will work out, Kmackey.  Just stay on top of it and give him the love, attention, and help that he needs.  You're a tough lady.

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    Anne Pettitposted 13 years ago

    My son got into some trouble also.  He was entitled to a public defender and he got counseling.  It has been several years, he is not perfect but he is not in jail, no one has been hurt and he is moving forward.  If you are interested in more detail, let me know.

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    gqgirlposted 13 years ago

    Dealing with your children who are in need of help is a serious matter. And honestly, this isn't this place to be coming for help. You should be getting your child into some therapy to find out what is going on inside of him. Not coming to hubpages for answers.

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    azhlynneposted 13 years ago

    Hopefully this will finally convince your son's father that there is something seriously wrong here.  I'm sorry that you are hurting and dealing with this. There is nothing more painful than watching your child self-destruct.  Seriously, though, your son needs inpatient help

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    beebongposted 13 years ago

    In a word therapy and control and maybe temporary guardianship with a third family as an interim measure to sort out this mess to discover whats happening in peoples minds and with their values.Best of luck...stay cool.

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