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My Wife Found My Lingerie, Now She's Mad – What Next?

Updated on October 14, 2009

This question has recently come up, and I am sure that many men find themselves in this horrible situation. The women they love have discovered their lingerie stash and the results have not been good. There have been fights, angry questions, ultimatums and nights on the couch. What do you do now? Well, there are ways through this forest of dark lingerie secrets.

First things first, this is NOT about lingerie, not for her. For you this is a straighforward desire to wear women's panties and things. Because you're male, and you think like a man, you think in terms of objects and things. You think that maybe, if you suppress the desire to wear lingerie, things will be okay.

However, for your wife or girlfriend, this is about the significance of the act. This is about the fact that you did not trust her with your desires.

If it does come down to the lingerie, it is still not about lingerie, it then becomes about what the lingerie represents. She has come to think of you in a certain way, a way you have allowed and conditioned her to think about you. Now she discovers that her view of you is not accurate at all. That can really hurt a woman. Women like to believe they understand those around them, especially their intimate long term partner. If it turns out they have no idea about him at all, then not only are they left with feelings of hurt and sadness, they may actually grieve for the partner they knew, the one who did not wear lingerie and hide things from her.

So what do you do when your wife finds out about your lingerie?

DO:

Apologise for hiding it from her and explain why you did. This explanation should not involve a bunch of waxing lyrical about how wonderful lingerie is.

Answer any questions she may have. Again, don't make this about you and your lingerie desires. Make it about explaining to her. No more and no less.

Pay more attention to her and reassure her that you are not hiding many other skeletons in your closet. This is the hard part, and depending on the woman, the duration of the relationship, they could take days, weeks, months or years.

Believe it or not, this is your opportunity to foster a more open and more loving relationship. This is your chance to take things forward. In order to do so however, you need to allow her the time to adjust and be supportive of her during this time (in other words, no 'I didn't tell you because I knew you would react like this,' etc) blaming her for your deception is a surefire way to alienate her.

DO NOT:

Lie to her. Not only is this disrespectful and supposes her to be an idiot, but when she discovers those lies she will lose all trust in you.

Decide to just hide your feelings for lingerie more deeply. This won't work. They will return more strongly than ever and you will end up back where you started, except this time if she catches you again, it will be a double betrayal.

If you want to hide your lingerie, fine. I don't agree, but it is your prerogative. I will warn you though, if you decide to wear lingerie and women's things and hide them from your partner, you better do a damn good job of hiding them, because when she finds out, and most women do eventually find out, partially because you won't really want to remain in the closet your entire life, there will be hell to pay, and your relationship may be seriously damaged.

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    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      8 years ago

      Hate to be harsh here, bra boy, but if someone breaks off all contact with you because of your lingerie, they were never a friend. Although if you did drop her at the airport and she's been gone since, you might want to think about a missing person's report. Maybe this isn't about your panties.

    • profile image

      Bra boy50 

      8 years ago

      A very dear female friend was helping me get my place fixed up.While i was outside doing some wood cutting, she was inside trying to sort out the bedroom. I asked her to leave the bedroom stuff and do other rooms but she found my lingerie and other clothes. She asked me the dreded question- why have you got lingerie in with your clothes. I answered her truthfully, you now know a man that likes to wear pretty things. She said "well whatever floats your boat" After i dropped her at the Airport, I asked her not to judge me too harshly. She didn't reply to telephone calls, texts or email since that day. I noticed that she didn't post on facebook for 2weeks. I cancelled my face book account and have tried to be nice to her by being patient. I now fear that i have lost an angel and a friend of ten years.

    • Cygnus76 profile image

      Cygnus76 

      8 years ago from ON

      lol nice hub. i suppose i'm not like most women out there. i would dare my husband to wear one. lol

    • profile image

      Dani 

      8 years ago

      Wish I had had this advice when mine caught me, I might still be married. You should do a poll and ask, of all the men who were "caught" how many got a divorce?

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