Owning Your Shame
Saigon and Erica / Love and Hip Hop New York
Some women never own their shame, blame everyone else, and fail to accept responsibility for their choices.
Iyanla Vanzant said it boldly and clearly to a misguided woman that did not accept responsibility for her actions. With confidence and bravery she provided wisdom that can resignate with women who do not have the life they want. With bravery she challenged a young woman to “Own it! Own your stuff little girl. The shame of it, the embarrassment of it, that you slept with a man that didn't even know your address and had a child with him.”
“As long as you are pointing at him you aren't cleaning up yourself.”
Then a thought presented itself. What if women took responsibility for what they allowed to occur? Instead of getting upset, arguing, and walking around angry; What if women owned their part in agreeing to participate in interaction that was less than acceptable?
What if women came to the understanding that the man who won't pay child support for your child is not going to change? What if women understood that the deadbeat they were with is being consistent with what was presented to them prior? What if women stopped trying to punish and control a man because you thought a baby would create an instant bond or lead to marriage? What if?
Now I don't advocate men abdicating their roles and responsibilities as parents. Legally one must do what they have to do, however, instead of punishing and walking around being angry and retaliatory; own your mess. It was you that created this bond with this person and chose to ignore or believe he was someone different than he presented himself to be.
While watching this show, I'm sure many people were blown away by the ending. Erica was still using their son as a way to control and dominate Saigon's life, even if it was to the detriment of their son. Why would a father EVER have to beg permission to see their child when you are busy on the weekend?
Let's confirm physical/mental safety, lack of proper living quarters, and the presence of the father was not in question. Why would a father have to beg to keep their child and be provided with a flippant response of: We'll See. See what? You can't hold someone hostage to chasing and pursing you to the detriment of your child. So many women need to grow up and stop preventing men who desire to spend time with their children from doing so. The anger at the man failing their needs should first be addressed by the person in the mirror that allowed this situation to even being.
http://www.oprah.com/own-iyanla-fix-my- … -Nightmare
So in summary what you are attempting to say is that women should not deprive men of the right to see their own children, simply because these men do not meet their expectations?
Yes. That is one aspect of my post. I didn't want to write a thesis on this subject so I attempted to keep it light. I just wanted to understand the two major situations that occur when it comes to co-parenting:
1. If a man is responsible (emotionally, financially, and the interaction and environment is safe) and wants to see his child, why would you hold someone hostage because they don't want you or choose not to be in your life a certain way? Keep it classy, stick to co-parenting and focus on what's most important: your child, their well being and development.
2. There are so many women that spend time punishing them for part of their bad decisions. It does take 2 to tangle but sometimes its baffling that people spend time arguing, fighting, and giving themselves ulcers because they are expecting that co-parent to be something they never presented themselves to be in the first place. It's not right but responsibility needs to be taken by both parties.
In this particular relationship Saigon admitted he knew something was "off" about Erica when she got plastic surgery on herself (and experienced other signs) but yet he continued to seek sexual gratification from her. Iyanla brought the reality of Saigon's childhood (and Erica's as well) to understand who this person is and how they grew up. One thing Iyanla said to her is if you loved yourself, you would not respond or allow someone to speak to you in the ways he speaks to you (name calling, yelling).
**My thought was in order to experience better one needs to learn their lesson, stop expecting apples from orange trees and keep the child's best interest in mind and not your own. Owning your choices and decisions, Taking Responsibility For Your Actions, is the only way to heal yourself and move on. Why some people choose to continuously argue, try to control people, and engage in these negative self-destructive anger episodes back and forth is beyond me. Let it go, make lemons with lemonade and try to raise your child the best you can because its a healthier way to live.
Ahh, I see. Well in that case, I agree completely.
I think it's very important for females and males both to take responsibility for their actions. I disagree, however, that a female should allow the father of her children to see and interact with the kids when he's not fulfilling his share of the responsibility.
I would wish that all dads take financial responsibility - but when they do not - it falls to the mother and society (me, the taxpayer) to subsidize that child's health care and food - so, no, a deadbeat dad does not deserve to see his kids.
The courts agree. And they will go after deadbeat dads even if the mothers don't push the issue.
The mother must also take responsibility, and, supposing that the children are living with her and that she's taking them to school, ball practice, ballet and helping them with their homework, then she is taking responsibility. If she's not doing those things - she should be.
I had a neighbor once who always griped about paying his child support. He whined that it was $1,000 for just two little girls and that he didn't make enough to pay that and to pay his own bills. He didn't make a couple of his payments and was arrested. When he got out - he was furious. He blamed his ex, but the only thing she did was report that he had not paid. I saw and talked with her on occasion when she stopped by with the kids and she didn't fit the "angry" mold. She was just following court regulations.
One time, the guy and I were talking and he said he should try to get full custody because it would be less expensive. After I pointed out that he'd need to buy a bigger home (his was a one-bedroom) or move into a bigger apartment, he'd have to make meals everyday, take his girls to their practices, attend their school conferences, buy their clothing, etc., you could see the wheels finally start to turn. I still remember he said, "Damn, that might cost more and I wouldn't have any time to work on my trucks." He was a nice guy - just stupid when it came to his kids.
While I don't suggest that mothers withhold seeing the kids from deadbeat dads - I do understand that they're only doing it as a way to try and make the deadbeat pay for his kids.
I pay for my kids and I think every parent should pay for their own kids. Male or female. They had their kids and it's time they stepped up and took responsibility.
Personally, and I don't mean to be harsh, if a dad (or a mom) does not pay child support and the parent who has custody has to seek assistance, I think all of his/her assets liquidated to pay for his/her child.
Time to step up people.
This is interesting to me. I've heard many parents of both genders complaining about how much child support they have to pay. It occurs to me though that a child costs far more than the fair "percentage" that these parents are asked to pony up. When the parent paying child support is the one actually caring for the child, they realize that parenting isn't a matter of financial percentages.
I have a child in my home who is not mine. Her parents contribute negligibly to her financial support, but my husband and I are the ones raising her. When it becomes a matter of sacrificing things that are non-monetary such as time, energy, etc., then someone is parenting. Till then, shove as much money as you want at a kid, but that still doesn't make you a parent.
In general, of course. By all means, I'm not addressing all parents. Kids are far more than just a financial expense.
I agree that people should be emotionally and financially responsible for their children. While it makes sense to do what you need to do, legally, it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me for adults to yell, argue, harass each other by phone and social media in the process. Do what you have to do. Own who you chose to parent your child and stop expecting someone (male or female) to transform into someone they never were. Do the best you can.
You have great points. Both parents should be responsible.
Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouses. However if things go wrong most of us would rather play the "blame game" than to reflect back on why (we) chose this person to be a part of our life.
If I go to the grocery store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do I curse the onion for not being an apple? No!
I learn to become a "better shopper"!
Our lives are for the most part the end result of the choices and decisions (we) have made along the way. We cannot control anyone other than ourselves. As long as it's "someone else's fault" we're victims or powerless. We can learn to make better choices for ourselves in the future.
However that will only happen once we take responsibility for our choices.
The only way to be used and abused is by allowing yourself to be used and abused. When you love yourself you look out for yourself!
Well said dashingscorpio! Glad we share the same viewpoint. People should stop making poor choices and then blaming others for their mistakes. Accountability and Responsibility will never results in chaos and pity parties.
I too agree when you love yourself you do look out for yourself!
When you become mature you learn to accept and evaluate people "as is" and not how you believe you can/will transform someone in order to fit your needs.
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