Are todays marriage houses built on sand?
So I listen to people talk about leaving their marriages and throwing in the towel for a number of reasons but I wonder why do people marry people when they know it will be a disaster. How can you hate someone you claim to love so much almost overnight? Seriously.
Why would you get married when you know that person is not for you?
Why would you marry someone who does not love you?
Why would you marry someone only seeking financial gain?
Watching shows such as snapped when relatives of some people have been told if something happened to them, investigate the spouse. What the deuce?
Are some people opting to sleep with the enemy rather than waiting until you get 75% of what you need with someone who really loves you?
What is the problem with the lasting factor of marriages long ago verses today's 1-5 year marriages? Are people wearing blinders when it comes to evaluating people? Yes, it's easier to get divorced, but marriages 50 years ago seemed to be based on more realistic interaction and love.
What are your thoughts?
Yes, one must avoid choosing a cell-mate as opposed to a soul-mate.
I actually think the skill of kindness must be mastered by both people in order to make a marriage work.
Also, the couple should be in agreement as far as religion, politics and diet.
Oh, and no substance use/abuse before or after marriage.
In My Humble Opinion.When it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. If this were not the case we'd all be married to our high school sweethearts!
In my opinion the #1 cause for divorce is (selecting the wrong mate) for oneself. This happens very easily if a person has not done the introspective thinking to figure out who they are and what they want/need in a mate for life BEFORE they start entering into relationships.
It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!
People who "go with the flow" tend to allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices. They often mistakenly rush into promises of commitment or marriage based upon the "infatuation phase" of a new relationship without having shown each other their "authentic selves".
We live in a time where people acknowledge human beings make mistakes. And yet when it comes to marriage many people feel like that is the (one area) where we never make a mistake!
Suddenly instead of saying "I chose the wrong person" and walking away you persuaded to "try" and (change water into wine) or fit a square peg into a round hole. Young people in their 20s are prone to choosing a mate before figuring out who they are and what they want.
There is no amount of "work" or "communication" that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.
Oftentimes when someone says; "Getting a divorce is the (easy) way out." It's usually coming from someone who has never actually gone through divorce!
The truth of the matter is it's far more easier to get married than to go through a divorce!
A divorce when it's all said and done after you strip away the pain, emotions, and financial expenses is nothing more than a public admission that a mate selection (mistake) was made.
No one is thinking about divorce on their wedding day! They're hoping things (will work) out.
Anyone with a measure of self-esteem has some "deal breakers" or "boundaries" which if crossed will cause them to throw in the towel. Whether it be cheating, verbal/physical abuse, child abuse, alcohol/drug addiction, or not being fiscally responsible.
Everyone draws "a line in the sand" for their own wellbeing.
One must also keep in mind that everyone grows or evolves overtime. You may have started out wanting the "same things" for the marriage but years later one person feels differently.
"We're either growing together or growing apart."
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships; We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Stay or move on. The choice is up to us.
The #2 cause for divorce in my opinion is (getting married for the wrong reasons).
This happens for example when someone has an arbitrary age goal to be married by, an ultimatum was given, an unplanned pregnancy, all of their friends were married, they'd been in a relationship for years and simply decided "What the hell, lets take it to next step", or they found someone who had money or some other asset they felt would enhance their life, Some folks just got tired of being single.
A marriage based on circumstances rather love is likely to fail.
peeples: Having gone through a divorce I can assure that getting married was a lot easier!
I do agree with you that marriage 50 years ago had completely different expectations. Women for the most part had very few career opportunities and low wages. Marriage was one of the easy and best ways for them to improve their lives.
Even high school home economic courses in that era centered around women pleasing their husband, having a good meal ready for him when came home from work, keeping the children quiet and out of his way until he was ready to engage them, and lots of other tips including those on looking appealing.
A divorce in those days meant severe financial hardship for a lot of women. This led many of them without well paying job skills to stay in unhappy marriages.
Today's women have better career opportunities, higher pay, and are far more independent than women during the 1950s and earlier. Better birth control methods has also made it possible for them to have sex without worrying as much about unplanned pregnancy.
With a 50% divorce rate the "divorce stigma" is also gone.
Not long ago AARP conducted a survey which revealed in the U.S. that 66% or 2/3rds of all divorces are filed by (women). Apparently the more "options" one has the less crap they'll put up with!
Yes, Peeples and DashingScorpio.... you both have good points. Women had less options available and unfortunately there was more of a reality of physical abuse or being "stuck" with someone. For all our advancements, technologies, and achievements we (as participants in relationships) have not connected our transforming to happiness/successfully interact with one another. Nothing has changed in terms of the needs of each gender. But there is something beautiful about the simplicity of accommodating each other, loving each other, and building a future together step by step. Below is an illustration of what true love is:
without brokenness
in simple form
with dedication/devotion
with a little love, luck, and hope
with the desire for 2 to make each other happy
absent of gold-digging
absent of abuse
But let me share this.......I believe there were more marriages that ended like this back in the day:
ET Reported:
Bob Lowe, a 93-year-old British vet who lives in Hampshire, U.K., lost his wife, Kath, three months ago. The two were married for over 65 years. On Monday, Bob read a poem he wrote for Kath on the BBC's Radio 5 live. It’s beautiful:
“Ode to Kath”
I am alone, now I know it’s true
There was a time when we were two
Those were the days when we would chat
Doing little jobs of this and that
We’d go to the shops and select our meals
But now I’m one I know how it feels
To try and cook or have meals on wheels
The rooms are empty there’s not a sound
Sometimes I’m lost and wander round
To look for jobs that I can do
To bring back the days when we were two
When darkness falls and curtains drawn
That’s when I feel most forlorn
But I must be honest and tell the truth
I’m not quite alone and here’s the proof
Because beside me in her chair
She quietly waits our time to share
Kath said to me some time ago
Darling when the time comes for us to go
Let’s mix our ashes and be together
So we can snuggle up forever and ever.
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