When will the hurt and pain end... Hard as I try, it's always there.

  1. profile image58
    Digging 2 Gravesposted 18 months ago

    I will try to make what is a very long story... Short.
    My husband had an affair on me, with a woman we work with. Our divorce just became final this month. Not only did we all work together, she was my friend - and to make matters worse, it was our 14 year old son who discovered it when he saw sexually explicit photos of them on his dad's phone.... Photos that were taken ON MY 40th BIRTHDAY, while we were on a work trip IN CABO.
    I lost everything over this affair - the rug was pulled out from underneath me and within 2 weeks, I lost my job, my husband of 16 years, ALL the money I ever earned over the last 8 year (we'd been working together  & the owner of the company paid my salary to my husbands company for tax purposes and that money of mine was direct delisted into an account my name never got added too - and of course, my cash card with his name on it, was immediately cancelled once he was exposed). All of this also resulted in me being denied any unemployment benefits since there was no record of me earning any money from 2007 to 2016... I couldn't even afford to put food on the table for my kids.
    It's been almost a year now and both have refused to have ANY adult conversation with me whatsoever - no apologies, no explanation, nothing. Not a word has been said by her and I've gotten an insincere "sorry" from him. I just have some questions in the hopes of  having some closure so that I could hopefully walk away feeling like they actually do regret what they put myself and the kids through . BTW - she's married with 3 young children too... And hell yes I told her husband (we were all friend and knew each other), I sent him screenshots of everything so he could decide for himself what he wanted to do because he deserved to know.  She has NO REMORSE and to give you a good idea of how horrible she is - when the puppy I bought the boys died on the car ride home I couldn't reach the boys dad so I reached out to her asking her to have the boys dad call them and she responded with - yeah right you fucking liar - never fucking contact me again. Then she tried taking a Harrassment order out on me... To her defense - when I found out about the affair, she refused to take any of my phone calls, so I sent about a dozen choice texts - half of them were asking her to tell my husband to respond to his children because he abandoned them and wouldn't return their messages either. The other half were mean and vulgar. I guess I'm not sure what she would expect from me? (Poor her, she got some mean text messages she deserved. Rest assured -  so did my cheat husband). Often the mean texts happened after listening to my boys sob for hours on end and cry themselves to sleep - they did this for 37 nights straight while sleeping with me in my bed - a 2 and 14 year old who hadn't slept with us since they were 5 unless they were scared, sick, or had a bad dream. My heart broke a little more each night as I sat in the bathroom with the tub running so they wouldn't hear me cry. It all became too much...
    So...I decided to do the right thing and go see my Dr. to get on an antidepressant temporarily to help get me through. After a couple of months my kids felt it was helping- one even said that when daddy left it seems like a got road rage but that since I've been on the medicine my road rage was much better! wink .... but then the shoe drops and my husband canceled our health insurance. After being on it 5 months,  I ended up having to go off of it cold turkey - which ultimately resulted in me having a nervous breakdown and being hospitalized. I had never been on anything so I was unaware you cannot just stop taking them. I still can't fathom why he dropped his kids. Me? Fine... But your kids? Was he getting some sort of weird pleasure out of hurting us? Here's a riddle, figure this out: When I had my breakdown in March, I found out he came to visit me EVERY day (I have no memory of the visits for the 1st 5 days, and the preceding 5 I can only recall he was there,  but not anything that we talked about. I only recall talking to him my last day there before going home).
    I just dont get it? Why come to the hospital, but then once I'm out go back to being horrible? Why be horrible at all? Friends and family say he feels he cannot come back from what's been done, and that he's angry I exposed his affair and kicked him out... But he left me no choice. I am trying to raise my teenage boys as good, loving, Christian, honest and faithful MEN.... Besides, truth be told, they did not want him there and in fact, they were angry with me when 2 days after kicking him out I allowed him to come home and sleep at the house (I left and stayed somewhere else), but he had such bad anxiety, and I actually felt bad for him. 
    I am just still so humiliated and hurt and I fear that I will never be happy again so long as he is with her.
    I know it's as much his fault as hers, but this woman, this "friend", robbed me of my entire life. I don't want him, so please don't get me wrong - but I do want a good relationship with him for our kids sake, and it seems the only time that happens is when they break up. But then the moment they get back together, he is horrible again. 
    I am deeply religious. I pray for them, and my kids, and myself, but it feels as though all of this pain is never going to end. I suppose it wouldn't hurt as bad if he wasn't so awful to me, but he is. It's like he is a complete stranger (if they are together), and it's so painful to think that our entire marriage was a joke and to feel like he couldn't care less about me (at one point he even told me to go kill myself)? How could he possibly say such a horrible thing, How can he not care at all about me? I feel like I'm crazy... Like I never knew him.
    Better yet, how could he possibly be angry at me????

    When will this hurt ever end?

  2. profile image58
    Setank Setunkposted 18 months ago

    I get the basics of this long long lament, but it waxes a bit of self-pity. If There is no proof of employment as a result of this foolish arrangement you entered into then why is he not paying alimony? Why didn't you report your employer? You would have definitely been compensated if you were working there and they would have been fined. There does not have to be a paper trail, but if you were a participant in a long term employment fraud then the courts would apply the "Clean Hands" standard.
    As far as the emotional pain goes, learning a lesson is likely not on your list of things to do. Getting over the pain is directly linked to recovering and getting on with your life. Be the Good Parent and remember that Forty is plenty young for a restart.