How would you handle a conflict with your spouse?
Would you try to stop the argument before it peaked? Or would you try to calm yourself down regardless of how your spouse was behaving during the argument? What is your solution to finding a more peaceful way to settle a conflict? What's your idea?
How...As quiet and calm as possible. I'm a quiet woman, my husband speaks his mind, almost uncontrolably. But both of us have a violent streak in us, mostly self-defense, so when we argue, we try to keep everything quiet, calm, and in one piece. Neither one of us like to argue, even if its a quiet argument, in from of the kids. They don't need to be subjected to that.
Would I try to calm myself, yes, we both do. But depending on who's winning the argument, I either stop talking or I yell louder. Being quiet, my 1st action is to just stop talking. Then he either keeps yelling or he stops when I ask him to stop. After that, we just sit silent.
The reason for the silence is for the both of us to stop and think of a calmer way to communicate to each other why we are so upset and try to come to a compromise or agreement. By compromise, that means we don't agree, but we'll try to change in order to keep the peace. Agreement, we both agree that one or both of us are wrong and again we change in order to keep the peace. Then we go to bed, wake the next morning, and never argue about it again.
We don't argue much, maybe once every other month or so. Sometimes its about something big like how to prioritise our money, but most of the time its about something petty which is why we are able to forget about the argument so easily. You have to be willing to change yourself for your partner or you will never be able to open up completely to them, things stay tense, and the relationship will end.
Don't go to bed mad.
The latest post I published on my blog was on "The Art of Conflict Resolution". You can use the tips and techniques I share on that post to help you resolve the conflict with your spouse. Here's the link:
http://abundance-blog.marelisa-online.c … esolution/
Best of luck,
Those are good answers 'tinkerbell'. I am curiuos though, what do you mean by "change to keep the peace"? Can you e;aborate on that just a little more?
I also like what Marelisa's has to say in her article "The Art of Conflict". You hit on some very great key points! Dealing with the true nature of the conflict is 'right on the money'! Also laying ground rules is very important.
Merelisa, you've also pointed out another key thing in any argument. Never, never, never, say things like "you always...", or, "You Never..." that only invites more conflict, and the person on the other end automatically feels 'cornered' and having the need to defend themselves. These are some key things that even counselors use, when trying to get couples to speak to each other and deal with the root problems in their relationship. Bravo to both of your responses! Calm approach that is not condemning is the absolute way to go! And coupling it with mutual respect is important. Bravo again!
Great question- here are a few things my husband and I do or have done-
We step away from it. This allows time to let emotions readjust. We can say some hurtful things to each other in a moment of anger. These things can often escalate the situation and only cause more problems. i am not talking about the "silent treatment" either. I mean a purposeful statement that you need time to think about the situation. It could go something like this:
I know we are both really upset right now- i need to have some time to think about this. I love you and I would like to discuss this when we both have cooled down a bit.
And then walk away. And don't go in the kitchen and start throwing things either. By doing this you are still communicating! Walk down the street, take a ride in your car, etc.
Another possibility is to express how you are feeling in a letter. This allows you time to think about what you are saying. Sometimes a subject is so touchy that it is hard to have a direct discussion- yet it still needs to be addressed. Writing it also gives you more perspective on your own feelings too.
Try to acknowledge that you hear what the other is saying.
there is a technique called mirroring- this is in essence restating what you think the other one said. This helps to get clarity on the issue so that you are on the same page. We can often misunderstand someone just by the simple fact that we heard them wrong.
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