Been dating same man for nearly 5yrs - both of us divorced w/kids. How much long

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   mcfly411posted 14 years ago

   Been dating same man for nearly 5yrs - both of us divorced w/kids. How much longer should I wait?
   
   "My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 5 yrs. We are both divorced with kids of similar ages (13,12, 11 and 8). At 43, I'm ready to try again but he has said that he doesn't want to be married because of our kids. And, I realize that our blended family would be far from the "Brady Bunch" scenario. So, what now? I don't want to hurt him but I'm not getting any younger. He rarely if ever spends any time with my kids when his aren't around and our lives are almost completely separate when we each have our kids for the week (we both have 50/50 custody).  Do I wait or move on?

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   DuelTorstenposted 14 years ago

   Five years is an awful long time. Don't you think that you've come too far to just give up now? I would confront him, gently.

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   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   I think only you can know what works or doesn't work for you, and everybody has his own way of thinking when it comes to this kind of stuff (your "friend" included).
   
   What your question made me wonder is, what is it about being married that you'd have that you don't have now?  If you and he have a good relationship and love one another, the only difference (and it would be a big one) would be whether you all live together and try to create your own "bad version" (apparently) of the The Brady Bunch. 
   
   If he, himself, knows/thinks the situation would be too challenging, or something he doesn't want; you'd be entering an already challenging situation with a giant disadvantage.  By virtue of the fact that he doesn't want that situation, I think that pretty says he'd be the wrong person to sign on for it.
   
   I think you need to ask what is it about marrying this one person that you want or need, and that would make you think changing what you have together now would be worth it.  Do you want more kids, for example?  (If you do, I don't think he's the one to stay with.)  Is whatever love you have for him (if you have any) "disposable" enough that you feel like you can find an equal love with someone else?   Does he love you the way "the right person" would love someone, because sometimes not wanting to get married means the right kind of love isn't there in the first place.  On the other hand, is he someone who loves you so much, loves his own kids so much, and knows how much you love your own kids, that he thinks how things are now is the best way to keep things as they should be for all involved?
   
   I think the "'blank' or get off the pot" thing is "legitimate" for a woman in her thirties who hasn't yet had her family; but I wonder if it should apply once both people have their families...  I guess I think you think seriously about the quality/nature of the love you have between you, and all the things about marriage that you don't now have, want, and why.  Then follow your heart.

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   reeltaulkposted 14 years ago

   wait?????  wait for what?   why do women wait around for men to make them feel that they are worth marrying.  Live your life and enjoy all that it has to offer.  It doesn't benefit you, your self esteem or your future by waiting around for something that may never happen.  He isn't putting anything worthwhile into this "relationship".  Love your kids and raise them to be strong individuals/adults.  Especially if they are girls, family is where love lies, not between a male and female.  Don't settle for half assness!
   
   P.S.  Give up  she has come to far from where.  The man says he doesnt want a relationship with her.  Bad advice jesus christ!

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   SpaceAgeposted 14 years ago

   i know little about it. however, i just ended an era of waiting 4 mr right

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   NYKitten82posted 14 years ago

   Well number one is your kids. If he isn't willing to be apart of their life, then how can he be apart of yours....I mean your children are apart of you.
   
   Also, you need to ask yourself what would marriage make your life with him different. Does a ring, a different last name, and a peice of paper define your life with him? People can share a wonderful life together without having to be married.
   
   If that is a real deal breaker for you...then perhaps you should move on...but do remember your 43. No offense but in another 2-5 years with another man will he be ready to commit to marriage?

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   Tirzah Laughsposted 14 years ago

   Wait for what? 
   
   If you aren't planning on having more kids together, why complicate things with a marriage?  With the kids, your separate households, it'd just make everything more problematic.
   
   What more would you get than you have now?  Sharing a crowded house with house full of kids?
   
   Doesn't sound like he wants to get married again.   That's okay, not everyone does.  If he never promised marriage and isn't dangling it in front of you which it does not sound like he is, then he doesn't have a problem.
   
   Either you are happy with what you have now or you move on.   He is extremely unlikely to give you more.
   
   Do you know what you want from him?  Why marriage?
   Do you think he'll be more involved with your kids if you marry?  That's doubtful.
   
   He sounds like he knows what he wants.  You can't change him.  What do you want?  If its marriage then this is a bad bet.

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   AMBASSADOR BUTLERposted 14 years ago

   Move on. You're on a dead end street. Life is short and you need to do what is right for yourself and kids. Look ahead to your future and leave this relationship behind you.

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   msorenssonposted 14 years ago

   Why do you want to get married? The question is more to you rather than to him.
   
   I know what you are going through, I understand it very well.
   Make a list of the reasons you want to get married, then cross them all out. At the very end, when, and if and only if, the last reason is "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, through the good times and the bad and I will be there for you no matter what, I will always stand by you and it is important to me that we get married,"  then go to him and say so.
   
   If he says no he does not want to get married, then, please forgive me for saying so, but there is only one reason left and that is he does not love you enough. Oh..it pains me to write it, but it is what I have observed.
   
   I know so because I have many many men friends. Not romantic friends but colleagues and long term men friends.

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    Mysterious-leeposted 14 years ago

    I am a child of multiple divorces and boyfriends... And it is just as hard on the kids as it is the parents. And all the men who said they didn't want to marry, only bothered to speak to us when they wanted to boss us around and tried very hard to push us out of her life...and it worked in a way because we gave up on trying to make her see that, if you come into our life and act like a parental figure but, give us no support as a figure, then we will rebel. Simple really. If you live together, then it is important that not only you, but your childeren be able to depend on them...because when that person they befriended and looked up to suddenly disappears...well, the break up is not only on you. Five years is a long time to just give up and if you know he's worth it, then stick by his side and find a mutual ground that you can both be happy with. Even if it is just not having a seperate week. Or asking him to be a part of all your life, not just those he chooses to take part in.

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    mcfly411posted 14 years ago

    Great advice and opinions here. Thank you all so much.  I think the challenges I face as a single parent especially with a teen daughter that is proving to be more challenging than most given her ODD tendencies.  I think  it's best to stay single for now so I can concentrate on raising my kids as best as I can without personal/emotional distractions in my own home.  I'm still dating the gentleman but realize his limitations and why (kids!).  I'm financially independant and self sufficient for now, but If someone else wonderful happens to come along, I won't say no  but I'm not actively out there looking since most of my energy is focused on my kids on the weeks I have them. But on my non-kid weeks, I find time to socialize and dance for fun and I've meet many very nice people that way.   So.. for now, just going with the flow but comfortable with whatever my future holds!   I'm not afraid to try again with someone else and am very comfortable meeting new people wherever I go.

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