If you have Divorced or ended a long-term committed relationship, Do you sometimes:
a.) Regret ever becoming involved with this person in the first place?
b.) Wish you'd have ended it all much sooner?
c.) Regret that you both did not try harder & longer to remain together?
d.) Not even think about that time in your life?
Yes I deeply regret becoming involved with this person! If I had known that she was a fatal attraction and that by having children with her, my future as a father would be ended by her, by divorcing her, she made sure of it that my children would divorce me and they did. I wish I had ended it much much sooner and not gone on to have two more children with her. I tried very hard to understand her, she could never changer her ways, I only saw that many years into the marriage. I did love her very much, I wish to this day that she had not been the person she was and still is today. Insanely jealous, possessive to the point of driving me out of her life. It's been 14 years now since we divorced, the biggest regret I have and live with today the loss of love between 3 of my 4 children, they were brain washed by their mother and to this day do not see or speak to me their father who loves and misses them very much.
This is a serious question, so I will be serious in my answer. All of the above are true. Some days, I fondly remember my first marriage and how
we would sit on the floor and talk for hours. He played his guitar and we would sing in harmony. We had big dreams and high hopes. I worked to help put him through college and later I returned to college. Some days I think about the simpler times and almost find myself yearning for those days filled with passion. Once I think pass the wonder of younger years I can still remember the realization of learning I was married to a man who found it easier to lie than to tell the truth. I remember finding women's phone numbers, and dinner receipts with 'clients' where his company did not reimburse. Finding the bill from the florist when I had received no flowers, finding the secret bank account, and finally the phone call from a friend to tell me they had seen him out to dinner with a woman who was obviously more than a friend. Suddenly, I was in a world of secrets and lies. I have always lived by the philosophy that if you do not love me, you will be free to go. And, go, he did. 13 years down the drain and a 2 year old crying for his daddy. We stay in contact as I cannot fault a man because he fell out of love with me. He is in his 5th. marriage. Our son, now an adult, will have nothing to do with him.
I know that I am better off in every respect with my second husband. But, it has been no bed of roses. He is not a communicator and he is a bit of a control freak and has been verbally abusive in the past. Only 4 years ago I was seriously considering walking away from this marriage. Living under a bridge with contentment is far better than living in a marriage that is hell.
Paula, we women think more deeply than most males. So, my answer is
yes; I have been through all the scenarios. I think about what could have been, what might have been and what never should have been. At this time in our lives, I believe we review our lives and question our thoughts. They are neither right or wrong. They are simply thoughts. Being human gives us an opportunity to think about all the different possible avenues that our lives could have taken.
Food for thought..."We might not be exactly where we WANT to be, but we are precisely where we're SUPPOSED to be." ~Bethany Butzer~
And, cue Katy Perry singing "HEAR ME ROAR-AR-AR-AR!!"
Well, DJ....As soon as I can stop sobbing and pull myself together.....I'll be back with something intelligent to say...........maybe.
I highly doubt there is anyone reading this post that doesn't have at least one regret with one person they could have done differently with.. "so, for me there was this girl"(the beginning of every tragic story) that was so indescribably precious to me, it would be a crime to try and explain it in an online forum, so I am bound in silence on that matter. I will just say..you never choose to love anyone, either you will, or you won't.
Dj & Vincent, it doesn't take being an "empath" to feel the pain in your stories--and Vincent, not that I would ever presume to give advice, but if I were in your shoes, I would never give up communicating with my children the way I feel towards them, I hope the best for you, hang in there.
Thank you Paula, you were the catalyst for some much needed emotional release.
Oh Michael...your description of how "indescribably precious" the girl in your life was to you...takes my breath away. I have known that degree of love...so utterly treasured and sacred, you can barely speak of it..Thank YOU for opening ur heart.
I believe the initial answer is (a) and overtime it becomes (d) for most people including myself.
There is a reason why a person is an (ex) and it's usually a good reason! Very few people would welcome heartache, betrayal, or turmoil into their lives. However most breakups/divorces involve some element of that in most instances.
Eventually people meet others, fall in love, or possibly re-marry and life moves on. Most people who don't have children with exes have no relationship with their exes therefore they seldom think about them.
I could see (b) being an issue for someone who kept hoping and praying that their mate was going to "change overtime" or they didn't want to become a "statistic" so they kept hanging in there year after year until one day they realized (they chose the wrong mate) for themselves!
Rarely do I hear of anyone that falls into the (c) category unless they're in that period after a breakup where they are "romanticizing the past" because (they have yet to find someone) new. Loneliness has a way of distorting the facts.
In order for your ex to be "the one" they would have to see you as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who (actually wants to be with you) and vice versa!
Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you.
One man's opinion.
Paula, I've been divorced twice. Both times I did everything I could to save the marriage, rather than just walk away. I tried counseling (with my first husband), which doesn't work if only one person is willing to listen to advice.
With my second marriage I filed divorce and just before we were to go to court, I had second thoughts and asked my husband to come back. Our two main issues were his treatment of my son (his son was perfect and mine could do no right in his eyes. He constantly questioned my parenting tactics and thought I should just let my young son fall on his face and learn to get up on his own) and his lack of helping with overhead. All he ever contributed was enough to pay for groceries. He also had a habit of getting hurt at work and living on workman's comp. After a couple of years, I found him a job, but his child support payments were crazy (or so he said).
I got tired of it (again) and gave him an ultimatum: either help with finances or I didn't see any point in carrying on. He chose to not help with the bills. Lots of love there, huh? We divorced in 2009.
I don't regret marrying my first husband. We had a child together. My son's father died of cancer in 2007. I still have fond thoughts of when our relationship was good.
My second husband.... well, he's on wife number five now. What does that tell you?
Sha...You speak wisdom and truth. I takes 2 to fix what 2 have broken...as for that 2nd dude....Bye-Bye, So long...don't let the door hit U in the A$$....You are a better more patient woman than I, honey. Nice to be independent, eh? Amen
This is why I now prefer to be single. Love having my bed all to myself and no one's expectations disrupting my mojo.
I have a saying that I live by: If it feels good, do it. If it doesn't, don't. And when it stops quit!
Sha...I LOVE it. Great motto, girlfriend. Need to jot this one down in my book of Good Words to Live BY!!!!! smiles
E. None of the above. I strongly believe an ex is an ex for a valid reason. Or two. Or three. Etc...
I had no regrets of marriage #1. I'm actually thankful because I have two beautiful daughters as proof that we did at least something right.
All of the above for me Paula. I deeply regret marrying the man who is the father of my son. He would have nothing to do with my son unless it was on "his terms" and not the courts. Was kicked out of supervised visits when my son was 8 years old, and did not see my son for another year after that. I finally moved to another state, and my (by then 13 year old) wayward son seemed to find so much trouble, the only recourse I believed I had was to send him to live with his father. My son and I are now estranged, mainly from the BS his father has fed him. There are times when I wonder if we should have stayed together for the sake of the child, which I believe is the right thing to do unless there is abuse or addiction. Unfortunately that was the case with this marriage. I take responsibility for the entire situation. I did not take the time to get to know the man, I did not ask enough questions. I jumped in way too soon.
Fortunately for me, I met the love of my life 9 years ago. We've been married for 7 years now and he's more than I could ever ask for. He's loving, kind, strong, a hard worker and we have many commonalities.
Thank you Paula, for asking such a "dense" question. Gives cause for reflection and succinct, heartfelt answers.
I like the note - better to have tried than wondered...Always look ahead and up, never back or down - cheers...
I have mixed answers for I've been married twice.
My first: I'm glad it's over and I don't regret it. We were high school sweethearts, had 2 wonderful kids and eventually fell out of love. Simple and bittersweet. We spent 5 wonderful years together ...it just wasn't meant to be.
My second: A and B. I rescued him from heroine which caused him to be very violent and loved to have affairs with other women. I should've never stepped foot in that relationship to begin with ...especially already having children!
I think it's just all in who YOU are as a person during the relationship. My first was for love. My second for pity. Pity for both of us. I was depressed and didn't want to be alone and he needed help. I do regret it fully because my kids still have the strong memory of the abuse. Especially when I finally decided to leave. The 3 of us stuck in my car as he was trying to bust the windows out just to hurt me. Their screams are forever embedded into my mind. Of course I regret that part of my life. I'll never not regret it. It's horrifying, but I learned SO much from it. I'm a totally different person now. Anyone who comes between my children and I have to face my demons. I'm protective now. I'm a fighter now. And my kids will be the first to say how much better I've become as a mother now, too.
B: I wish I would have ended the relationship sooner, because it seems so hard to find happiness now. "Great Question"
Thank goodness Paula I can't answer this question from personal experience but I would think the best thing to do is forget about it and move on. I mean why beat a dead horse?
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