How do I figure out if my boyfriend is thinking about marriage?
We have talked about it in the past & while he has said he's not sure if he wants to marry again he has also said he is not ruling it out. We have both been married before, he's divorced and I am widowed. We have been together for 1yr & 2 months and have both said that we want to grow old together, you know rocking chairs on the porch when we're 80. He no longer avoids the topic of marriage but also does not often bring it up on his own. I really want to marry him and hope he wants to marry me. I even told him if he ever proposed he would hear me say yes. I don't want to read too much into it.
JUST ASK HIM. EASIEST THING TO DO. You wont believe how much you can solve by being open.
He is a little skittish because of his divorce and I am just worried about scaring him. Can you give me any advice on HOW to ask him?
You've been together for a long time now, I think you just need to have an honest conversation. He's not going to run just because you ask him if marriage is something he would consider now. He will probably just answer you honestly and at least you will know where you stand. We spend so much time trying to guess what other people are thinking - how much easier would it be if we just asked more questions. If you really can't bring yourself to just blurt it out, a less obvious way to get onto the topic is to watch a movie where the topic arises, and then casually start a conversation about your own situation.
"skittish because of his divorce" says he may need to address that issue first before going further. You are not his ex, and he has to work through that fear and trust you as an individual, not based on his past. Communication is going to be key in the marriage, so upfront and clear needs to start now.
How? A relaxed environment. Dinner, movie, whatever is that happy place for both of you. MayG had a wonderful suggestion--find a movie to ease into the topic--- or "book you've been reading".
From a woman's perspective: We TEND to see marriage as our ultimate reward and outward display of love and commitment. Men don't necessarily see it that way--they feel their presence should be proof enough of love and commitment. If you are doing all the "marital things" together, he sees no real need to potentially muddy the waters with the ceremony and paper. The very act seems to be ominous to the man who wants a sense of choice--or who fears repeating a failed marriage. The reason for the divorce is also a big factor and you would both benefit walking through counseling to ensure he doesn't sabotage the marital success with his fears. (p.s. Counseling can come as a couple's "retreat" so it doesn't seem like a problem, but rather a desire for the next stage of closeness)
Blessings to you Both~
I suggest an open honest discussion. Take him out on a dinner date, you pay, and ask questions about how he sees your future as a couple. Be prepared for surprises and be prepared to be as honest in reply as you expect him to be in answering you.
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