Should I stay or should I go???

1. 52

   confused guy @ 42posted 15 years ago

   I have been married to my wife since 93 and we have no kids. We both suffer from bouts of depression and am starting to wonder if we would be better off apart. I have been spending more and more time with distractions such as Facebook instead of being engaged in the relationship. I find myself bored at home and am happiest when out with other people. I travel away for courses at times and last time had a ton of fun and started to remember how happy I can truly feel. My wife is very perceptive and picks up on the change in me when this happens. She worries all the time instead of enjoying life. We are doing fine financially and she has been able to attend college and university for the last five years. I just dont feel that connected to her anymore, I love socializing and she just wants to stay home and not invite anyone over. I love to have a couple drinks with friends and enjoy good food and she just doesn't feel a desire to enjoy such things. I love having music in the house but that irritates her. I don't know if I am being a whiner or if we have serious differences. I am terrified of divorce (my brother is on #6 and is broke) and to the family I am the stable one who would never rock the boat. I am confused about balancing my own desires (love, sex, fun, socializing) with building our life toward retirement and keeping everyone else happy?? I pretty much live in denial and avoid thinking about it. I got caught chatting on FB to a girl in Germany in a very steamy conversation...I feel like I am a terrible person for doing this (it felt wrong from the start) but i am so lonely most of the time that any time someone shows me any attention at all I cant resist. I miss feeling in love and wish I knew where to go from here. Am I a bad person or in the wrong marriage?????? I wish I knew where to go from here!

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      Lady_Eposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Permit me - but from all you've written above you hardly spend time together. Maybe you could have a very good talk or go away together (a change from your environment) and use the time to really talk things through. See what you both really want and take it from there.
      
      I really wish you well...

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      geminimoonposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      You are not a bad person but I think you are in the wrong marriage. Don't stay together just to keep her happy, you need to be happy too, and also don't have any children as this will make things even more complicated. I stayed with my husband for 34 years and now we are finally separated because I finally got the nerve to leave. Don't wait too long or you will regret it. Good luck!

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      cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      i would stay away from facebook until you get your problems resolved. flirting with people always leads to something and unless you are sure where you want it to go, it's not a good idea. then i would ask my wife to go to counseling with me. if she refuses then she is not that interested in working out your problems, in which case i would seek counseling on my own and find answers.
      
      good luck.

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      my mall stripposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      i am in the same dilemma right now. i am stuck in the middle because i don't want to disrupt the lives of our children {we have 2, a 4 year old boy and a 3 year old girl} and it's doing a toll on ym health {I get chest pains and sleepless nights due to anxiety}. we used to be "so similar" and now i seem to realize that we are so totally different.

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      my mall stripposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      i am in the same dilemma right now. i am stuck in the middle because i don't want to disrupt the lives of our children {we have 2, a 4 year old boy and a 3 year old girl} and it's doing a toll on ym health {I get chest pains and sleepless nights due to anxiety}. we used to be "so similar" and now i seem to realize that we are so totally different.

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      sandylongmanposted 14 years agoin reply to this

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2. 72

   earnestshubposted 15 years ago

   It all starts with ourselves in relationships. We can do whatever we like with them.
   Try changing your beliefs about yourselves and each other. If you take the relationship elsewhere you will still take your baggage with you, so unless you are sure it isn't the depression I would stick and get medical help with the illness first and foremost. Good luck.

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      Deborah-Lynnposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I really do agree with everything Earnrstshub said here,  your first step is talking with your wife about medication, there are so many types and combinations out there you need her to find a doctor she can trust.  If you mean that you want to be thought of as "the stable" one of your extended family, put your full mind on your wife and give her six solid months on her medication before you decide what she can and cannot do.
      Her age also matters as women over 40 go through so many changes physically, you can either see her as your garden that needs to be nurtured or just let her wilt....this is not what you promised on your wedding day however, so in sickness and in health -get the girl back into a state of health...she will see it once she has recovered and you my friend will be gloriously happy instead of broke and alone in your old age.

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      Deborah-Lynnposted 15 years agoin reply to this

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3. 82

   earnerposted 15 years ago

   I don't think it's medication that's needed, you need to reconnect.  I think she just feels that you're having more fun without her and that she's dragging you down. 
   
   You go away and come back all hyped up, yet she's been sat at home alone without the interaction.  When you're home alone you like things quiet and all of a sudden this whirlwind comes in and starts playing music.
   
   Can you find something fun to do, something where you can laugh at yourselves and each other, that's completely different and out of your comfort zones ... something where you are relying on your own skills, yet together, yet part of a group.  I am thinking here of an activity, kayaking (the safe kind, locally on a river, not white water rafting! is what I am thinking about).  Something that has moments of hilarity.  You're alone, yet together, yet in a group.  Enjoying something that provides its own entertainment.
   
   Once you get home from such an activity you'll find yourselves sharing a laugh at something the other one did... "you looked so funny when you fell in the water ..."
   
   Get some laughter back in your lives.

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   confused guy @ 42posted 15 years ago

   [[I am thinking here of an activity, kayaking (the safe kind, locally on a river, not white water rafting! is what I am thinking about).  Something that has moments of hilarity.  You're alone, yet together, yet in a group.  Enjoying something that provides its own entertainment.]]
   
   Funny you mention Kayaking...I have kayaked since 1989. My wife has been out a few times but would rather stay at home. Her favorite pass times would be watching tv, playing with the cats or reading. I love outdoor pursuits involving water, snow or mountains. Anytime I suggest we do something like that together there is usually something else more important that needs doing around the house.
   
   Someone else mentioned Meds....I was on antidepressants for awhile and quit due to falling asleep while driving and going off the road - not much fun. I have been feeling better for the last few years due mostly to keeping busy with a local youth group. If I stay busy, all seems well - but I just cant get over the nagging feeling that I am not being completely honest with myself (or my wife) when I say that I am happy.

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5. 73

   beth811posted 15 years ago

   In marriage, there is a union of two different personalities. It takes a long time to adjust to each other's attitudes, likes and dislikes, etc.In your case, you have been married for 16 yrs and still can't agree on each other. Why not take your wife to a lovely dinner and do the things that excite both of you when you were both young. Maybe in this way your romance will be rekindled.
   That is if you want to save your marriage. Think of ways that makes your wife happy, and do not think only yourself....   -selfless love-

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6. 0

   Ghost32posted 15 years ago

   I can certainly comprehend why you're confused.  Pam and I've been together 13 years, each of us is truly the other's best friend, and our marriage is rock solid--BUT she's wife #7.  The road to marital solidity was not exactly strewn with fragrant rose petals from 1965 to 1996.
   
   What I believe I did learn from the overall journey, more than anything else, was this:  Nobody can find the answer for you.  The call is entirely yours.  And that's no fun to contemplate when you throw depression into the mix, especially since depression makes you doubt your own judgment (let alone your self worth) and then some.
   
   Comparing the journeys of two particular individuals might possibly trigger a bit of insight for you.  One person is Carolyn; the other one is me.
   
   Carolyn and I were each other's second spouses.  We talked easily, the chemistry between us was strong, we were still close friends when we parted company and are still close friends today.  But what I'd like to share is the stark contrast between us AFTER we split the sheets:
   
   Let's take my case first.  I've always attempted to talk things out with my  partner(s).  Of my 6 exes, 2 of them refused to consider our problems  as problems; their head-in-sand approach eventually led me to "slip out the back, Jack".  In the other 4 cases, there were no surprises.  Tensions, yes.  Misery, for sure.   Yet after all that, after one more divorce than even your brother has to date, I did (at age 53) find "the one" I'd been seeking.  Up front, hammer the issues, take the hits, get knocked down, get back up, keep going...and it worked. 
   
   Carolyn, now...Carolyn has depression.  She's also rather quiet by nature.  It's one of my contributions that I'm able to  stimulate her into talking openly about almost anything, and I don't have to try--it's just a natural thing between us.  Unlike me, she did not have "5 more marriages" after we separated.  She did have one, to Garth, and they did have a child (just one). 
   
   Unfortunately, Garth is also  quiet.  Carolyn develeped severe fibromyalgia, underwent psychological therapy for many years, and eventually left Garth--but only after she (Carolyn) and I spent a day together just "hanging out" and talking, and she realized she had it to do.  Not to get back with me, just to get right with herself.  Today she (in her early 60s) lives with her stepmother, assisting the elderly lady.  Her father has severe dementia and has been institutionalized for years. 
   
   Now...I "done said all that to say all this":  Sometime during that day we spent together near the end of her relationship with Garth, Carolyn confided that with both of them being quiet and not talkative with each other...............She and Garth, it turned out, had BOTH stuck together only because  they feared being alone.  I'll never forget the precise wording:
   
   "I've just spent 23 years in a loveless marriage."
   
   I don't know about you--but I wouldn't want to live like that.

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7. 58

   Pandemic Pressposted 15 years ago

   Phew! I'm glad you mentioned the meds, Earner, I was a little astounded at the mention of depression and the immediate jump to a pharmaceutical solution! Especially the fact that the OP mentioned that they had BOTH previously suffered from depression, and yet the medical route was suggested for the wife only.
   
   Now, let me clarify, if you feel that depression is severely and negatively affecting your life I highly encourage you to seek professional help. However, this help need not be in the form of a pill, discuss alternative therapies with your psychiatrist/psychologist. And this is only IF you feel it is the main issue here.
   
   Personally I can empathise with your feelings here as I once felt them myself; the boredom, the distracting yourself online, the depression, and I know it's definitely not fun. But I also believe that you can get through it without medication!
   
   The very FIRST thing you need to do is have a discussion with your wife! Tell her how you feel! Let her know that you feel like the relationship needs work and enlist her help in livening it up, if she's worried about it, that means she cares and will likely work with you to help your marriage.
   
   Why don't you two create a list of new things you'd like to try together? You like the outdoors and social interaction, and she prefers solitary contemplation? Why don't you try to combine the two and go for a relaxing hike in the woods? Autumn is the perfect time for this, the foliage is beautiful and the temperature is just right! She likes to read? How about you read out loud to each other? You might want to read something a little steamy even if you're both interested! You can take turns each night, reading to each other before bed.
   
   You have the nagging feeling that you're lying when you say you're happy because you are! If there is a problem in a relationship it's very difficult to solve if you don't talk about it. Earner was right in that doing activities together and having fun is a great start. And don't just moderate your likes to fit within her comfort zone either! Get her out of her shell a little, maybe take a ballroom dancing class together, then you'll have the perfect excuse to take her out dancing to try out your new moves. Think of things you'll both enjoy and do them! Let's not kid ourselves EVERYONE likes good food, the reluctance on the part of your wife likely stems from where you're getting this good food from. If your definition of "good food" is linked with loud restaurants and booze and friends, maybe that's her objection? Do you have a favourite type of food? Indian food for example, maybe that's your passion. Try making curry at home! You can cook it together, and if you like it (and even if you don't) you can suggest going out to an indian restaurant next time instead! Just because you're married doesn't mean you should stop going on dates!
   
   These are just my suggestions, I'm sure you and your wife together can figure out the problem and attempt some solutions if you both try. If you'd like help with the depression aspect, some ways to alleviate mild depression are:
   - Exercise, it gives you an immediate feel good boost from the endorphins that are released, and also a longer term feeling of accomplishment that banishes mild depression effectively.
   - Vitamin D, many studies have demonstrated that taking daily vitamin D supplements (about 1000 IU) can reduce depression. This is particularly effective in the winter. During the spring and summer we typically get enough vitamin D from sun exposure.
   - Keeping active, refer to the ideas presented above. If you don't do anything but mope around the house all day it's no wonder you feel unproductive and depressed! Set goals for yourself (specific, measurable and managable ones!) and accomplish them!
   - Social interaction in of itself can help reduce depression, try to get your wife out there!
   
   Want to know where to go from here? Go to your wife, that's where you should go. Be open and be honest and don't place the blame on anybody. Your happiness while away from home isn't due to the abence of your wife, it's due to the absence of boredom and depression! Feeling lonely? Want attention? Again, go to your wife! This is what she signed up for when she married you, and I'm sure she'll be happy to oblige if you EXPLICITLY ask her for her company.
   
   This has turned into a rather long and rambling post, but I hope I've been able to convey the main message. That you don't need external help, you need to help each other!
   
   Good luck to you, let me know how things work out (if you look at my profile there's links to my blog and email)
   
   Cheers!
   
   PP

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8. 58

   Pandemic Pressposted 15 years ago

   I'd also like to say that Ghost32 has an excellent post there, and that I wholeheartedly agree!

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9. 64

   Lisa HWposted 15 years ago

   It seems to me you should start by talking to a counselor (maybe even alone at first).  You could talk about all the things you're experiencing and see if you can get some kind of perspective from someone experienced with married couples.  That may give you the kind of "reading" you may have been hoping to get on here - only from someone who can really listen to your situation and who has experience/training in these things.  Depending on what "reading" you get (or how you feel after talking) you and your wife could go as a couple.  There's at least the chance that neither of you is happy these days.  There's also the chance, though, that neither of you really wants to end the marriage. 
   
   One thing you may want to ask yourself honestly is whether you feel love for her at all, or whether you just think you should hang in because you don't want to be divorced.  You aren't your brother, and you aren't responsible for staying unhappily married (particularly since there are no children) because you want to maintain an image of being "stable".  Stable people do separate.  At the same time, married people do start to take one another for granted over time, and romance can fade, just because things aren't "all new and exciting" any more.  If you both love the other and care about the marriage you can find ways to introduce a little romance back into the marriage (or at least try to, and see how it goes).  Marriages do need effort on the part of both people, and both people have to want to put in the effort.  In any case, why not set up at least one appointment with a professional, talk about what's going on, and take it from there...
   
   Lots of couples don't have common interests; and if one or both feels unhappy/depressed s/he may not even be interested in the things s/he ordinarily would be.  I have no idea if this will be at all useful; but a while ago, there was a Hub request about how couples can deal with not having common interests.  I took a shot at answering that request.   Most people in that situation will say that there has to be compromise on both people's part.  Anyway, for what it is or isn't worth, the Hub is:
   
   "How can a couple do things together when the husband and wife don't have many common interests?"
   
   Just a couple of other thoughts:  As someone else said on here, couples do need to find things to laugh about.  That's important.  Also, though, if your wife really does just want to watch tv (and she may not, but maybe it's what she sees as being available entertainment for now); what about at least turning tv watching into something like "movie night" - complete with popcorn or your favorite pizza?  Start by finding comedies that will make you laugh.  You could also get a good drama or romantic movie, arrange the lighting, get some special wine and cheese; and don't expect a whole lot of results from this kind of thing other than having a pleasant evening together, as a couple.  It won't help with your wish to be out socializing, but maybe it could be a start at kind of seeing one another as "special" again.  Maybe that kind of thing would be enough to make her want to do a few of the things you'd like to do once in a while; and then other times maybe you both do need your individual time.  Again, I don't know if any of these thoughts are at all useful; but it's always worth putting in a little effort just to see if it helps.
   
   One thing struck me:  You mentioned something like "building for retirement".  I don't think anyone do nothing but exist and build for retirement.  I think you should see if you can "re-build today" together.  If you can't then you can't.  If nothing else, don't keep her in the dark.  Be honest.  She may feel the way you do, and it's better that you both know how the other is feeling.  It's not fair to either of you if you try to pretend.

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      Rochelle Frankposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      You have a lot of people here who have given advice-- but Lisa may have the best suggestion.
      You probably need to have a neutral professional counsel to give face-to face suggestions.
      
      It may cost at least a nickel, but you get what you pay for.
      We wish you well-- but few of us can really give you what you are looking for.

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10. 52

    confused guy @ 42posted 15 years ago

    Thanks everyone....pretty much confirmed what my gut feeling has been. I have to discuss my feelings with her. We have been getting more active together with walks and exercise which helps us both. We both have fears of depression as we have been there before so to bring it back into the spotlight is very uncomfortable....but denial doesnt solve anything and issues have manifested themselves anyway.
    
    I am definately not looking to hit the bar scene with her...been there and done that 20 years ago....but it would be great to have her interested in having friends over for supper without having to beg or plead. Just have to keep trying I guess.

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       Deborah-Lynnposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Sometimes therapists will give you an out if they sense thats' what you want so be careful about therapy,  if what you really want is your wife back, and the walks and talks don't shake her out of it, sorry PP but the only thing that shook me out of my biological/physical depression was addition of medication to lift my "happy" endorphines and help me sleep soundly to face a new day...it did take as I said, at least six months, but once I was back to a chemical balance, I became active and responsive, which gave my husband the chance to work with me to make us the couple we are today.  Much Love andluck...but do not give up!  And be sure to incorporate all the wonderful suggestions above once she is able.

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       dtmjkposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I am glad to hear that you are trying and have found time to get exercise with each other. I know from a woman's perspective, there are times when we just don't feel confident and don't want others around. Sometimes this can be alleviated by exercise and praise.
       Make sure to praise your wife for accomplishments, big or small. Make sure to tell her you enjoy doing things with her. Maybe she is depressed because she feels that you are truly happiest without her. Women have a need to be wanted. Make sure she knows that you are willing to work on things, willing to be honest with her and above all things that she is important enough to be wanted.

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    nbknt3gposted 15 years ago

    I'm almost in a similar situation with my husband of 19 years just this past Tuesday.  I recognized that time apart lately and lack of emotional and physical closeness has caused my attraction to another man.  We were married when I was 17 and he was 19. It's been a very good marriage however I believe we didnt grow together emotionally, instead of the normal saying " grew apart".  I believe that my marriage is worth saving, however I don't believe my husband does.
    
    So I have demanded that we BOTH go to counseling again, we have done this 10 years ago, and I don't want to be back in the counselors office five or ten years from now.  I will not settle for a quick fix i.e. its good for the next 6-12 months, then what?  We obviously have a problem and it needs fixing now or go our separate ways, but it has to be done right, the relationship and friendship deserves it.
    
    I'm willing to fix me if its me that has the issues because I too have bouts of depression which can be suicidal at times, but I feel its not just me. He told the counselor he is "content" and she immediately said "you have a problem".  We have three children that we have to make understand and nurture if we are to part. and I truly believe going to a GOOD marriage counselor is best.

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    wsp2469posted 15 years ago

    Personally, I am not sure this is the best place to seek advice.  I realize it gives people an opportunity to earns some points on their hub scores by participating but I don't think I would take anything said here with more than a grain of salt.  it's the internet.  Not many people can prove their credentials or anything else here; know what I mean?  Communicate with the REAL people in your life and/or speak to someone in the real world.

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       Daniel Carterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Point taken, but I absolutely disagree. I'm a REAL person, and I care about this community, as do all the other posters from what I can ascertain.
       
       It's natural for any of us to want to provide a little relief or help in some way, and with all due respect, that is the reason for the forums (except for perhaps religion, LOL) from what I can tell.
       
       So I'll try not to be incensed with your bad post if you try not to be incensed that I called you on your crap.
       
       

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          cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          oOo i missed that.
          
          for the record, i never post anything just to score hub points. in fact, i didn't know you could.
          
          sheesh.

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             tantrumposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             I don't think that's true. Last month I had 89/ 90 and now I'm  81. And i post a lot as you can see !

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                cosetteposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                oh good.
                
                p.s. yeah, why is that? i think your hubs are amazing. hmm...

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                   Daniel Carterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   I can't figure it out, either. One of my hubs has had a lower score for months, and suddenly, without a huge traffic increase, it's way up. I think it's the precise way we hold our jaw on a certain day at a certain time as the moon is in a specific phase.

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    yoshi97posted 15 years ago

    As a thought ... don't ask her to go ... take her.
    
    Be spontaneous. Make some excuse to run an errand that she would need to go on (groceries or whatever) and then stop the car at a nice restaurant and take her inside. If she refuses to leave the car then tell her you will be inside waiting for her.
    
    The problem, as you explain it, is xenophobia ... a fear of social situations, and it's destroying her as much as it is destroying you. However, it can be overcome with patience. Take her out on a surprise date once a week and you will see her slowly acclimate again to society - and over time - revert back to who she once was.
    
    I hope this advice helps.

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    Daniel Carterposted 15 years ago

    I've been married twice, and am now single. I was married for 24 years. I agree with several things that have been written, but mostly identify with Earnest and Lisa.
    
    You're not a bad person. You're lonely. What's bad about that? The behavior you've started to engage in because you're lonely is what is in question.
    
    You will take your baggage with you no matter what happens unless you can start dealing with it now. So will your wife. That's why counseling is important.
    
    One of the things your wife needs to see clearly, and I advise that it be done in counseling, is what would it mean for you to be out of her life? Would she miss that, or would she welcome it because she is already pretty much a loner? And the same with you. What would her being out of your life mean to you?
    
    Is she willing to consider changing her lifestyle dramatically, or is she set in her ways, refusing to introduce change? Is it about fear, or is it about being a recluse?
    
    Lots of questions to ask yourself, and would most likely be helpful to examine with a good counselor.
    
    Shop around, get very good references, which, incidentally don't very often come from friends and family. I learned a lot about all this.
    
    Wishing you well in your journey through all this.

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    cosetteposted 15 years ago

    you know....there was a full moon last night.
    
    
    
    

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    yoshi97posted 15 years ago

    I don't post so much ... just in short spurts ... and only on topics that interest me.
    
    As for dealing info ... this one I'm kinda close to, as I have experienced it myself in real life and I offered the solution that worked for me, though I can't promise it would work for everybody.
    
    I'm not one for doling out advice unless I have seen it work in practice somewhere before.

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    creativeone59posted 14 years ago

    When I post anything  it is strictly form the heart and I for one never knew you get the extra points for commenting. But when ever I post, I would hope that something I said made a difference in one way or another. I don't post, just to be posting. creativeone59

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    lrohnerposted 14 years ago

    Sorry things aren't going so well for you. But honestly, this is something you should be talking to your wife about instead of us.

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    xiao_kangposted 14 years ago

    Nice blog. You sound like a cool guy.
    First, I'm opposed to marriage from the get-go. It places unrealistic expectations on people. You are a married man and i assume that means you can't cheat on her (unless you can negotiate an open relationship and maintain your marriage, it's possible)But marriage doesn't mean you can't have friends and have fun without your partner. You should have friends enjoy yourself, live it up, life is too short not to. I think that if she sees the positive changes socializing is making in your life, she will step up and follow. Just make sure you reassure her of your love and give her positive encouragement.
    The beginning of your post you mentioned depression. I know how difficult that can be. It's a real condition that puts a damper on a lot of things. Suggest medical help or make lifestyle choices that will reduce depression. You both may very well still love each other but your eyes are clouded by depression.
    
    You mentioned how things irritate her, like listening to music in the house or perhaps doing certain things that you enjoy but she hates. I've been with someone that is the same. Had to gripe about everything, was never happy and everything irritated him. I learned to enjoy my freedoms in ways that left him no reason to b!tch. For example, music irritates her, get some head-phones, jam out while dancing around the kitchen. Put her out of your mind and enjoy yourself. I think that will make a happy change in your personality and behavior and the law of attraction will draw her in. You are the master of your domain, make sure it shines, for your sake and for hers.

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    reeltaulkposted 14 years ago

    You're in the wrong marriage dear.....if this is truly what you are experiencing you are allowing someone's misery to control your life.  Also you are staying in this marriage because people on the outside looking in seem to believe you are consistent and your marriage is stable???  The happiness that you seek will never come to fruition because you are in it for appearances as well as to please/accommodate.  You have tried everything to try to bring pleasure and happiness to your marriage.  It seems as though your wife doesn't enjoy the things that you do, neither is she making attempts to make the marriage merrier.  I say cut your losses and get back to being you---live the remainder of your life guilt free of nonsense.

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    dorjekposted 14 years ago

    the only thing you need to know is that you are not lonely and you need to know her first and spend time together and see her reaction towards you ..
    
    Main important thing You need to express your-self on any thing you do .. Never show attitudes towards woman specially when married Because Women they want to dominate their husband in any way ...
    
    That just to be with you and not too loose you..
    
    For a baby case well now days doctors have come up with many ideas of firtilizeing stuff , So better consulting a doctor ..
    
    Short and sweet just try expressing your-self ..

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    EmpressFelicityposted 14 years ago

    People who are social animals often don't realise just how hard it is for us introverts to socialise.  I like doing it, but only for short bursts and only on my terms.  For example, I don't like parties or nightclubs - too much loud noise and posturing.  Even inviting people over for dinner is extremely draining, no matter how much I like them.
    
    Part of the problem IMO is the expectation to make small talk.  Over the years I've developed a small talk "repertoire", but I still don't enjoy doing it.
    
    If you want your wife to socialise/get out more, then you will have to find something that both you and she enjoy doing, and that doesn't take her out of her comfort zone for hours at a stretch.  The rambling/country walks thing that other people have come up with is a good idea (fresh air and exercise is a well-known depression buster anyway).  If your wife is of a cerebral temperament, you could try joining a bridge club or playing pub quizzes, if they have those where you come from.  Both these activities are interactive and remove the "need" for small talk to a large extent, so she might find them more relaxing and enjoyable.  Plus it's something you can do together.

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    Ms Chievousposted 14 years ago

    Confused guy .. you are probably more confused than ever now that you got all of this feedback!  Have you told your wife all the things you are telling us?  That is the first step. Second you both need to discuss waht you want to do about the  marriage.  if you are unhappy tell her and be honest.  Counseling may be the way to go.  If she got upset over your facebook incident she more than likey still has feelings for you.   If you caught her on FB chatting with some german dude would you feel jealous?  Do you still have feelings for her?
    
    The depresion you are feeling can be situational, meaning that you don't need anti depressants!.  If you are both depressed then it is def situational. (if I were to push any mood enhancing drug it would be fish oil!) Talk to each other about how you envision you want your life to be..  Are you a newlywed by chance.. I didn't take the time to read al of the feedback but I think there is a phase of the marriage where all the excitement wears off.. maybe you are experiencing that..
    
    Best of luck to you.. What made you think to ask us here on Hubpages about your marriage anyway??

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    Stimpposted 14 years ago

    I, too, am 42 years old (Ooooops...did I write that out loud...and you all thought I was a puppy with a mullet)....at any rate, I have been divorced 2x.
    
    I am currently engaged...I AM THE ONE who suffers from depression.  Joe has been stable as a rock.  SOLID as solid can get.  My moods became or were very unpredictable when I was on the wrong combo of meds.  And, make no mistake....they are not all the same and one of them had me attempting suicide twice.  I worked through that with a psychiatrist who I trust whole heartedly.  This has not been an easy row to hoe.....not by a long shot.
    
    There are huge huge huge stressors here....he's got two kids that I've had to help support financially and of course as a "step" figure, I'm not treated as well as I could be....yet, I feel like I give my all.  And, don't even get me started on his X who is Satan with black penciled in eye brows and red finger nails (not that there's anything wrong with that ).
    
    I don't have the answers but please do understand that you are not alone.  Alot of people start feeling restless....especially if child-less (I have no biological children of my own...just my animals and I do believe based on what I've seen, that I definitely made the right choice on that one), at our age.  Like "Is THIS it?  Is this the mundane B.S. I'm going to go through day in and freaking day out?  Really?"
    
    Somedays, I wonder if its all worth it....the relationship thing....especially with someone who has two children and an evil X wife.  BUT I'm looking at my future and who I want to be with.  I don't want to bounce from relationship to relationship because of unrest in myself and my own life situation.  Joe's been through alot alot alot of CRAP that most would have walked away.
    
    I can tell you one thing that does work is finding a TEAM activity that you play together.  Like we've played on a dart team together or bowling or something like that.....where you need to depend on the other and also reap the rewards together.  We've also found that taking walks with the dogs is very rewarding.
    
    As the saying goes "no matter where ya go, there ya are."

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       EmpressFelicityposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Snap.

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          Stimpposted 14 years agoin reply to this

          What does that mean?

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25. 61

    Stimpposted 14 years ago

    One more thing I forgot to mention along with my dissertation here.  I understand that you didn't want to take the anti-depressants because of the tiredness that you felt.  HOWEVER, while that is a side effect for a couple weeks or even a month, your doc should have, if they didn't, cycled you UP on your dosage.  For instance having you take 1/4 of the recommended daily for  2 days or so, then increasing every 2 days or so over a couple of week time period.  it is unreasonable, not for you, but for a doc (a good doc) to expect someone to handle a mit-full of anti-psychotic drugs full strength when their brain is not used to it.  Similar to coming off of a mind chemical altering drug....they can't just yank you off without expecting withdrawal...let alone the fact that that causes seizures.  Now, sharing my own experience....and I have bared alot to alot of people who don't even know me here.....which is not my M.O.   I ran out of my meds a few days ago.  I started withdrawal.  When I got some samples today from my trusted doc (cuz I've not been paid yet yada yada yada), I took 1/2 the dosage and slept for 2 straight hours this afternoon.  I expect that till the end of the week.  Now, that's just two days off of it. 
    
    I know alot about these types of drugs....I don't claim to be a dr. or pharmacist.  I'm going off of personal experience because I've tried them all to get the right combo.  In addition, there are more than just antidepressants.  There are simple general anxiety meds (which are different) and there are mood stabilizers (which typically are anti-seizure meds).  I, personally, am being treated for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder...look at my hub on Ben to see why IF you want...I'm not self promoting) and am on a combo of meds because I simply could not function.
    
    At any rate....I wish you luck.  If you'd like to email me through my profile page for more info, please feel free.  Otherwise, be an educated consumer and if it is being recommended that you take any type of drug....do your research...look at blogs of others' experiences with it....look at chat forums on it, etc.  But be informed.  This is how I learned alot of the stuff I know about these drugs, their dangers and their benefits.  I, at this point, will Never take an anti-psychotic or mood stabilizer from my GP.  I choose to trust someone who is versed in the side effects, new developments, etc. and that, for me is my guy, Floyd, my trusted psychiatrist.
    
    Anyway....good luck.  contact me if you need anything.

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    sandylongmanposted 14 years ago

    When your married a long time its called going thru a rut. Don't worry all married people go through this at one point in a
    marriage. Get connected with each other. Forget Face Book. You have a real woman next to you in your home. Sometimes we take each other for granted in this world Have a date night. If you can plan a Trip where you both can connect romantically and sexually. Communication is key. Start sharing your feelings and tell her what you want instead of avoiding that the relationship has changed. You either grow together or apart. Divorce is not the answer. Go back to things you both enjoyed early on in your marriage. If your religious go thru Christian marriage counseling.
    The divorce rate is high because people just give up. Try and see before you regret losing what you have. You just need to rekindle
    the love you both once shared for one another.
    
    Sincerely,
    Sandy

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