How do you learn to trust again after a nasty betrayal?

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   friedcakesposted 14 years ago

   How do you learn to trust again after a nasty betrayal?

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   Blogheadposted 14 years ago

   You learn to learn not to trust. Or just sleep over it.

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   DrNajposted 14 years ago

   The pain of betrayal is very real and has a significant impact on the lives of all those who have experienced it. It is one of those painful life experiences that have the power to change people’s hearts and lives forever. If you have  been betrayed, and sounds like you have been, then you cannot change what has happened to you or make the pain go away. You need time to grieve and feel angry.
   
   You need time to be comforted and encouraged. You also need time to restore your faith  in yourself and others. Betrayal hurts and there is no fast and easy way to heal from its affects. It takes more than time. It takes a heart that will not harden. It takes a commitment to believe in others again. Relationships do change as a result of betrayal; but ultimately, how it changes you is what matters most.

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   Lisa HWposted 14 years ago

   You ask yourself if you like the idea/image of being "so damaged" you "can't trust anyone".  Some people get something out of that kind of thing, even if it's nothing more "keeping the betrayer's evil alive" (maybe so other people will know how "bad" that person was).  Or, sometimes people just need to live as victims.  They sometimes see things in black-and-white:  If you're "the betraying type" you're the one with upper hand.  If you're not the betraying type, you're the victim (and they equate victims with being the nice person, with strong people being potential betrayers).
   
   The idea that just because one person is, say, a bank robber, it doesn't mean everyone is a bank robber shouldn't be that hard for anyone's mind to accept.  So, I think the thing is for a person to ask himself if he's getting something about being "permanently damaged in the trust department", and then ask what it is he gets out of it.  One thought is that if we allow ourselves to move on and get over something, we don't get to see what the betrayer did as quite as big and permanently damaging as if we "will never get over it".  So, maybe those are things to ask yourself if they apply at all to you.  Other than that, my thing is this:  Why let someone who has betrayed me take away more from than s/he already has?    I get what I need out of feeling that I'm bigger and stronger than "some jerk's" betrayal.  I like "having fight" rather than "feeling beaten and fragile" when it comes to how I want a betrayal to affect me.

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   triosolposted 14 years ago

   If you suspect your partner is having an emotional affair you need to confront them about their behavior. Point out specific activities when bringing up your concerns. Tell your partner how the relationship they have with this person affects your feelings, and ask that they end it immediately. Don’t be surprised if your partner gets defensive or denies they have done anything wrong.
   
   Often one partner may convince his or herself that by refraining from physical intimacy they have not crossed a line. By making your feelings clear, however, your partner will have no choice but to deal with your concerns.
   
   You both may need counseling in order to work out the issues between you. It is possible to be happy with your partner again, but it does take time and effort and is only possible when your partner understands the appropriate boundaries and works on repairing the trust issues they’ve caused for the relationship.

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