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Is there hope for a relationship where there is a lack of attraction on one person's part?
How do you deal with not being attracted to someone although they're a great person and are good to you? Will the lack of attraction end up causing the relationship to fail?
A person has to ask themselves what do they want? Do I want looks or do I want a good person? If you give the person a chance without factoring in looks, then sure the relationship can last. Looks are superfical, the way someone treats you is the attribute that should matter.
I use to be a person who wanted the looks. Well, every other person is looking at the same person because of their looks. Now, I want substance. I care about how well you treat me. Once you get pass looks, and focus on the treatment their personailty, you give yourself a chance at something really good. Possibly finding your soul mate.
Attraction is only important to those who focus on it. If you begin to know the person the more attracted to them you become, because of their inner beauty.
Michemem you bring up an excellent point. I guess I just wonder if it's shallow to want someone that I'm at least somewhat attracted to? That said, your point is well taken. Now I am wondering if I'm focusing on the outward appearance too much...
It is my belief that "Life is a personal journey". Therefore only you can determine what is a "must have" on (your shopping list.) But keep in mind our priorities do tend to change with life experience.
Not long ago Lori Gottlieb wrote a book titled; Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.
Although I have never read the book but as a man I can't help but feel sorry for someone that was chosen for marriage not because they were "the one" in their mate's eyes but simply because they were "good enough" (ie) He's educated, has a good job, and is crazy about her...etc Most importantly he doesn't ask for much in return.
I suspect these types of marriages rarely end up being "happy ever after". Either she ends up having an affair with the kind of guy she really is attracted to or he wakes up one day realizing he is giving much more than he is getting back or someone comes along and points it out to him. I don't believe your spouse or significant other should be an "acquired taste" . In order to give your all you really have to be "into" someone. One man's opinion!:-)
Sometimes the lack of initial attractions works, but not usually. I've known people who were not initially attracted to their partners, but who had reached a point in their lives when they truly became more interested in having a long term commitment that would provide them with a general sense of well being and security. These people I know personally, and they have been successfully married for many years, having developed a partnership.
However, I have a feeling that you may be a more passionate person......and there is nothing wrong with that. Personally, when the flame of desire was not there for me, I have always kept the relationship platonic. I have to feel desire. That's just the way I am, and I've learned to go with it.
Also, when the other person wants more than friendship, the relationship usually fails. Initially, the person keeps hanging on in the hope that we will change our mind. Usually, we don't change our minds. We're either attracted or we are not.
No need to fret or feel bad, though. You just need someone who you feel a strong desire to be with physically, and with whom you will also feel loved and safe. We all need what we need. Some people don't want all that passion, but others like passion just fine, thank you very much. Having said all that, passion is like a tide, it rolls in and out, but when you really love someone, that flame burns steady.
Long story short, it doesn't sound like that "great person" you are talking about is quite right for you right now. He may never be, because physical attraction is important to you and that is all well and good. Best of luck to you!
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