Can a person change because a partner or a lover wants him/her to?

1. 62

   alexandriaruthkposted 12 years ago

   Can a person change because a partner or a lover wants him/her to?
   
   Can a person really change another person? For example in a relationship can the woman change a man - meaning change his attitude or behavior. Or is it that people don't really change at all except when they like to and not because of their partner.

   replyreport
2. 0

   Jade0215posted 12 years ago

   It's hard to answer this because you could tell your boyfriend or husband that they need to change and if they mention it to their friends, no matter how bad the issue seems to be, the friends always will tell him that you're the one being controlling and not to do it. But I do believe that there are some people that care enough about the person that they're willing to do anything for them but most of the time it's seen as controlling. I mostly see it as when they want to rather than for their partner.

   replyreport
   1. 62

      alexandriaruthkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Fair enough, the change needs to come from them voluntarily, not just because they love you and they that you have a point. Friends and relatives can encourage them as well but like what you said it can be construed as a controlling behavior. Thanks.

      replyreport
3. 81

   Dr Billy Kiddposted 12 years ago

   Ask any shrink, a person changes becasue he or she wants to change.Yet, I have seen people stop drinking because their partners said they would leave/file for divorce if the drinking did not stop.
   
   What I find most interesting is that people will turn it around on their partner. "No, you're the one who has the problem, not me." That takes in Jade0215's idea a little. "You're just a controlling nanny-gagger," or some such thing, in response to just the mention of an anger problem.
   
   Speaking of anger problems, I've never seen anyone give it up until it stopped paying off. They enjoy the power of an outburst and getting their way with threats. So, "She made me hit her," I hear a lot. But after she's gone, "She ripped me off for everything." is what they say.
   
   It's when you show your partner that their behavior is not paying off that he or she might change. But generally, you have to have a good friendship relationship with your partner before your partner will listen. Just being in-love is not enough.

   replyreport
   1. 62

      alexandriaruthkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Fair enough, I like what you said about showing them that their behavior is not productive, could do it. Building freindship while in a relationship is a challenge! Thanks for your time.

      replyreport
4. 73

   dashingscorpioposted 12 years ago

   Change comes from within. People change when (they) want to change. Generally what happens when someone attempts to change their mate is they become frustrated and their mate becomes resentful. In the long run you are far better off finding someone who (already is) the kind of person you want to be with.
   If you or the other person has to change their core being in order to make the relationship work then you are wrong for one another! Ultimately everyone is looking for someone who will love and accept them for who they are.  One man's opinion! :-)

   replyreport
5. 59

   duffsmomposted 12 years ago

   You have to ask if someone loves me, why do I have to change?  What kind of change? Something simple like putting the cap on the toothpaste, then yes those kinds of changes are part of growing together and finding a mutual peace.
   
   But no one can change someone or really expect them to change.  Only the individual can make the changes to themselves.  But if they find they have to make changes for their partner, they may well resent it, asking - when we got together I was good enough for you - now I am not--WHY?

   replyreport
   1. 62

      alexandriaruthkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well maybe if you really love that person, you will encourage him/her to change because it is for their better. like you said the point is why now and why not just love me for who I am. Thanks for your comment mam!

      replyreport
6. 77

   Collisaposted 12 years ago

   My observation has been it's almost impossible for a person to change when they are constantly hearing how much they need to change. I think it's because when we're told we are a certain way, we tend to act that way. So if the message is constantly, "You're such a grouch! Stop being so grouchy! What a grouch you are!" the person sees himself as a grouch and lives that out.
   Conversely, when someone believes in a person and expects good behavior based on seeing what that person could be, instead of what he is, the person is given a new identity to step into. When we hold up something better, without condemning a person, they have an option to change.

   replyreport
   1. 62

      alexandriaruthkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I like what you're suggesting only that some people need encouragement. A good positive as well as a little bit of encouragement is perhaps good, isn't it? Not nagging.

      replyreport
7. 61

   Ashantinaposted 12 years ago

   We've heard that scratched record 'change comes from within', [which is true] but Ive come to the conclusion that yes one can change another... though it is usually 'unintentional'. Sometimes this change can be because we are a role model/lead by example which can inspire the other to change.... or via that ole saying: "You dont know what you got till you lose it". When one person finally leaves the relationship bcos theyve just had enough... then yup, that can def  trigger change.

   replyreport
   1. 62

      alexandriaruthkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      But it is rather too late because they left already? Is there some kind of compromise, while the other one is trying to become a model, there should be effort by the other partner. Thanks for your comment.

      replyreport
8. 66

   Volitansposted 12 years ago

   No, you cannot change another person. The only person who can change you is you.
   
   The most anyone else can hope to do is influence: model good behavior, don't punish someone for being who they are.
   
   But, as others have said: if you have to change someone in order to be with that person, you should be with someone else.

   replyreport
   1. 62

      alexandriaruthkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Well, I was thinking no relationships are perfect and perhaps I might as well think about whether I can live with the imperfections instead of trying to change other person. Thanks for replying to this question.

      replyreport
9. 60

   inChristaloneposted 12 years ago

   I personally think that before we should look at others to try and change them, we should look at ourselves and change us first.  Many times as a byproduct of them seeing change in us, it will be a catalyst for them to change.  For example, if you want your husband to spend more time with you, maybe you could be more intimate with him or tell him how great you think he is so he wants to spend more time with you and it will give you an opportunity to ask him about trying to meet your needs.  Dennis Rainey from Family Life Today and Gary Chapman have weitten many good books on having a great marriage.

   replyreport
   1. 62

      alexandriaruthkposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks for suggesting the books of the two authors!

      replyreport
   2. 60

      inChristaloneposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      You are very welcome.

      replyreport