Controlling relationships, can they ever change?

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   kirstenblogposted 13 years ago

   Do you guys think it is ever possible for a relationship where one person tries to control the other using manipulation and/or threats can ever become a happy healthy one? Is it even possible?

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      Paul Wingertposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      No!

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      logic,commonsenseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      No.  Again.

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         blondepoetposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Ditto Logic x

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      neeta chauhanposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Hi ,
      as far as i think if in a relationship even if  its a relationship of a friendship if in it any sort of threat is involved or manipulation is mixed into it then its better too ditch the relationship at once because when and where there is no breathing space involved in the relationship its starts too become too suffocating ......

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      Jyoti Patilposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      I won't say a straight NO. When one person in a relation tries to control the other, it becomes their habit. Such habits are really not easy to get away with. If a person is ready to change, it's well and good. However it's the most difficult thing to do in a relation. I have had a relation with exact same situation. The guy begged saying he has changed and i readily accepted him. But as soon as I was back to him, he became the same control freak person. He threatened me too.

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      yolanda yvetteposted 12 years agoin reply to this

        I believe it could become healthy & happy if the controller would acknowledge their problem and then go about correcting it, even if that meant seeking professional help.

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   SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years ago

   ...maybe...with a wake up call...when the one being controlled actually walks out the door...maybe then, when the dust settles and the person realizes, understands, accepts and acknowledges their actions and wants to make changes...after that timing is important...both would have to be in the same head space at the same time with both moving towards change - good change

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      kirstenblogposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      That is about the best response I could have asked for, and considering it's the only one I got so much the better!
      Thanks for replying

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3. 69

   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   Hey Kirsten, relationships are just like life, they are ever changing and if one person within the relationship isn't constantly changing then you're going to have a problem.
   
   People who are control freaks shouldn't even be in relationships, unless they find themselves a nice little submissive. There are quite of few of those out there, but there's always more people who want control.
   
   It's a rare one to find one who will actually find a balance between the two. You seem to be one of those who are balance between the two, so you would be best to have someone who compliments you. Someone who is controlling, isn't likely to change, even with a wake up call. I'm positive they would change for a very short period of time and then revert back to their habitual control. That just goes to show how they don't have the ability to maintain change.

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      kirstenblogposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Good point Cags, the only problem with a nice little submissive, is they might just change someday. Even if/when a person finds a submissive type of person there is every chance that they might one day find they don't care for it anymore since letting another person control most or all aspects of your life can lead to blaming that person when things go wrong. I am just not even sure it's a safe bet to go for a submissive type for a dominant type because of the relationship between control and responsibility. Frankly, if I cannot control something, I wash my hands of responsibility for it and am just as likely as anything to just walk away, not wanting anything to do with something I have to be responsible for but cannot have any control of. The whole control/submission thing has been on my mind of late and I am not seeing it ending well in any situation.

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   Brett Winnposted 13 years ago

   Possible, yes ... likely, no. People can change, but they must WANT to change!

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   Lisa HWposted 13 years ago

   Some people are control-freaks of one sort or another, and they want to control everyone and everything.  I think they may learn to control their own control-freak behavior in a relationship - but I don't think they can be all that comfortable with changing their behavior, and I'm not sure they can really change.  Maybe some can.
   
   Other people aren't "general control-freaks".  They just have one person that they think they have a right to control.  In that case, I don't think the relationship can change much; because even if the control-freak learns to control his behavior toward the other person; he's always going to see that person as someone he OUGHT to have the right to control.
   
   It's exhausting and infuriating to always have to be fighting for one's right to be free of having someone else believe he should have "say", advice, or opinion about what one does.  Asserting the expectation of a control-freak's knocking it off usually doesn't get taken seriously by the individual, because he thinks he right in his belief that his "victim" is "less" than he is. And, if manipulation and threats have come into the picture; it's even worse.
   
   As far as I'm concerned, people need to get away from, and stay away from, anyone who pulls that crap.  To me, stopping the behavior just isn't the same as not having control-freak urges in the first place.   I suppose, if someone wants to hold a less-than-ideal relationship together for their own reasons; maybe it could be enough if the person cut the control-crap.  Still, I don't think the person who doesn't see you as an equal who is worthy of respect is the best person to be in a relationship with.

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      EmpressFelicityposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah. What she said.
      
      On a related note, I just can't understand people who seek out relationships with people they perceive as being inferior.

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   hopebubbatinsposted 12 years ago

   I am in a relationship with my on and off boyfriend for nearly 4 years now.
   He was once a reaaalllly controlling boyfriend. He went to the extremes of CHOOSING MY FRIENDS FOR ME.
   
   It is possible for some people to PROGRESS or "make a change" but to thoroughly change is a totally different thing.
   
   My boyfriend whom I am still with has made lots of changes although he is not perfect nor do I want him to be but he has come so far and I love how he has progressed.

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   schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years ago

   No, not unless they get a lobotomy or a conversion/ ..........

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      schoolgirlforrealposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      miracle *

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   Night Magicposted 12 years ago

   I think it can if you sit down with the person and discuss it civilly.  If you don't see any improvements then I think it's time to move on.  Just don't let the person make you feel guilty about your decision.

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   AshtonFireflyposted 12 years ago

   Only if the controller changes. And that has to be their own choice. No one can make them.

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    blondepoetposted 12 years ago

    No way I am a wild eagle and if you try and tame me I will fly away
    
    And as I have flown many times It is difficult to get out of my nest high up in the mountains

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       logic,commonsenseposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       How about a little caressing first?

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          blondepoetposted 12 years agoin reply to this

          Of course Logic....a bird loves a little scratch and tickle lol

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    blondepoetposted 12 years ago

    Oh gosh I just relogged in and on the home page it has my replies everywhere on forums hubs haha I am all over the place like an egg is in a frypan

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    creativebutterflyposted 12 years ago

    I am glad I came across this, relationship does not always mean a partnership, I am living with my daughter who is ocd controlling and I am having to make a decision about what to do so thanks for the comments.

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    Chaotic Chicaposted 12 years ago

    I just came across this thread and would like to add my own humble opinion on the matter.  A person's nature is simply who they are, the likely-hood of that changing is exceedingly slim.  Even if they do change, which, as has been duly noted, they must absolutely WANT to do, the effect can only be temporary, at some point their nature will once again take over.  More often than not the change only comes on the heels of a massive shift in one's thinking because of a major life event and not everybody actually experiences such strength of emotion. I do not suggest giving up hope but reckognizing where that person is in their life and guaging their openess to change.
    By the way, the time to discuss such matters is never during or immediately after a fight as they will still be too defensive to allow for true civility.

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       AshtonFireflyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       well put...

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    Seek-n-Findposted 12 years ago

    Possible--yes.  Hard work--yes.  But like many others have stated, there will most likely have to be a "change agent" introduced into the equation.  Cycles are cycles for a reason--they repeat!  We cannot change another, that is true.  But we can make changes in ourselves that may influence a response of change in the other.  The person doing the controlling can only control the other (in most circumstances) because the one being controlled is participating with the behavior in some way.  Boundaries is probably one of the best strategies for the one being controlled to utilize.  Henry Cloud has many books on the topic.  I've found them to be extremely helpful.   Once the one being controlled puts up boundaries and refuses to participate with the controlling demands of the other, the other will likely get mad and try to control even more (in which case you can stick to your boundaries and create space), get mad and leave, or get mad and then realize the error of their ways.  All the best to you.

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    karthikkashposted 12 years ago

    If a person wants to control only certain aspects of a partner (or a friend), then I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It is perfectly natural for any person to control certain things which he/she perceives as belonging to the person. However, if the person wants to control everything about the other person, it definitely is not healthy.

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    blondepoetposted 12 years ago

    Why of why do I always end up in controlling relationships,men with jealous rages,abusive men....no wonder I always leave......but I know who I am, how I should be treated....the funny thing is they seem ok at the start, but bang.....give them time when their evil side rears it head.....and I know I have to get out.

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       Chaotic Chicaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

       Honestly, blondepoet, there is obviously something about those type of men that you find appealing and I suspect that there are two factors involved here.  The first is that someone hurt you real bad when you were still vulnerable and somewhere deep in your subconscious you do not really feel deserving of a truly good man, you feel too damaged and thus subconsciously seek the men who also have something to hide though you don't know what until too late.
       The second is that, like most women, you want a man who can protiect you and too often the men that exhibit the characteristics of physical strength are also the same ones with an abundance of testosterone that lends itself to a jealous and controlling nature. It's actually quite common which makes it harder to find a truly good man since they do not tend to outwardly exhibit the characteristics of protection.  The irony is that a good man will protect you to the death and often surprises a would-be threat.
       I offer this advice as a woman who has been there and realized that all of the 'men' I sought were the ones not good for me and even though I knew I deserved better I could not make myself accept the courtship of a good guy. It was eight years before I realized what I had done and that it was the result of one night with a pathetic excuse of a man and the line he crossed.  Once I realized how he affected me I was able to break free and focus on making my life (and consequently my kids' lives) better.  I got lucky and my knight in shining armor found me but ultimately his presence in my life would have meant nothing if I was still under the misillusion that I was too damaged to deserve him.
       I'm sorry for the ramble but hope in some small way it may have helped; if not you then maybe someone else who may read this. 

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