Do you think a marriage should be over if the husband is cheating, and was caugh

1. 63

   lupineposted 12 years ago

   Do you think a marriage should be over if the husband is cheating, and was caught?
   
   This is a married couple in their early 30's, married for 13 years. He was caught cheating a few years ago, and was forgiven by his wife, since he pleaded so much to her and swore it wouldn't happen again. Now he recently did it again, but doesn't want to leave. Says he will do anything she wants, is sorry. She wants him to leave now since he usually does what he wants anyway. What do you think?

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2. 0

   JThomp42posted 12 years ago

   Leave him. It should have been done the first time. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It inflates their ego, in which is more important to them than their love for their spouse. Cheating is a definite deal breaker.

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      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      JT, Do you really believe there can be former smokers, drinkers, and drug users but cheaters have no (choice) but to cheat for the rest of their lives? Or is that just a (protection statement) or rule to keep one's self from taking another chance?

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   2. 63

      lupineposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Jeff, he claims to love his wife very much and doesn't want to be without her, admits he was selfish and screwed up, and again, claims it won't happen anymore. Same story.

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      JThomp42posted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Dashing... Everything you have mentioned has a very high relapse percentage. Unfortunately, yes once a cheater, they will probably do it again.

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3. 72

   lburmasterposted 12 years ago

   My husband and I have an agreement. If one of us cheats, it is over. You should never forgive someone who cheats because when they do, they are almost sure to do it again. She should definately leave him if he does what he wants. It's the trade mark of an only child and something they continue to do for the rest of their life.

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      duffsmomposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Ouch! How did we "only children" get bashed on in this one?

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      lburmasterposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      My husband is an only child and I constantly tease him about the "world revolving around him". The comic strip is on the fridge.

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   3. 70

      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Cheating by it's very nature means one does not observe rules or promises. A cheater may believe (if) they get caught "it's over" but most cheaters don't believe they (will) get caught. Cheaters focus their thoughts/desires on today and not tomorrow.

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   4. 63

      lupineposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Iburmaster, she's had reason enough to leave him for other things, but cheating is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage.

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      lburmasterposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I entirely agree, lupine.

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4. 59

   MickSposted 12 years ago

   He has thrown away his honour, in exactly the same way as if his wife was the adulterer.  In either case the marriage is over.

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   1. 63

      lupineposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Yes, there is no honor left. Nothing more to be said...actions are stronger than words.

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5. 61

   duffsmomposted 12 years ago

   Hard to say since I don't know the dynamic of their marriage. Just looking at your facts above, I would say I would leave a marriage like that. He had a second chance and wasted it. If he didn't want to leave, then I would make sure he did, or leave myself.
   
   Two strikes, and I don't know that he deserves a third.

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   1. 63

      lupineposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      She had a feeling he was up to something, feels like a fool, doesn't want to be around him for the "next time". There is now a relief, that she can go on.

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6. 84

   nochanceposted 12 years ago

   Not to sound like I'm hating on people who get married young but this couple must have been about 20 when they got married. That's not a lot of time to "test the waters."
   
   This guy already got a free pass. He should have known better than to test that. How does she know it won't happen again since he already lied about that once? They should end their relationship. How can she trust him?
   
   My boyfriend and I have an agreement that the relationship is completely over if either one of us cheats.

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   1. 70

      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      You made a valid point. People who get married too young or before they figure out what they want/need in a mate for life are likely to have issues. Most guys are too immature for marriage in their early 20s. Odds are they were a couple as teens too!

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   2. 63

      lupineposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      You are both correct, they started out young. They were a couple as teens, and married at age 20/21.

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   3. 70

      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Teen love rarely lasts a lifetime because they "commit" without much life experience of knowing who they are & what they want. A part of cheating involves fear of walking away from what one knows to enter the unknown. He's afraid but not "in love

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   ketageposted 11 years ago

   He got a second chance and wasted it, why give him a third, he is danged lucky to have gotten a second chance, I would have recommended leaving him the first time he cheated.

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      lupineposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with you...she had all his stuff packed and waiting for him to leave when he got home the first time. He cried the sad story, would come by to talk outside each day, he convinced her to give him another chance. He was only gone about 5 days.

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   2. 70

      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      In another comment you mentioned they've been a couple since they were teens. I imagine what keeps him wanting to stay married even if he weren't happy would be everything they built together including appearances. Teen couples rarely lasts forever.

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8. 70

   dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

   She should stop making it about (him) and (his) wishes. Each of us is entitled to have our own "deal breakers".
   She has to decide if (cheating) is a "deal breaker".
   Wanting or waiting for (him) to leave is being passive. She could file papers next week or move out tonight if she (really) does not want to be with him. No one is "stuck" with anyone!
   A cheater seeks to hold onto all that is good in their primary relationship while addressing their other needs on the side.
   My message to her would be: It's your life! Take the wheel!

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   1. 63

      lupineposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      He did say she is the best thing he has. Didn't keep him from cheating, You do make sense, it's all been about him and his wants (buys what he wants, goes where he wants), now it's time for her to focus on what is best for her.

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   2. 70

      dashingscorpioposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Now that you have explained that they were a teenage love couple. It's understandable why she is somewhat passive and has been willing to give him chances. He is all she has known. Divorce may also prove others were "right" about them being too young

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