Why does communication fail in most marriages?

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  1. DDE profile image43
    DDEposted 8 years ago

    Why does communication fail in  most marriages?

    When a couple gets married everything disappears from their relationships. Taking each other for granted becomes more of a routine. What can one do to make the marriage work all over again? When is it too much to cope in a marriage?
    When the understanding fails  is all lost between married couples?

  2. dashingscorpio profile image86
    dashingscorpioposted 8 years ago

    Communication is nothing more than one person expressing an idea/thought to another person who acknowledges they heard and understood what was said.
    It is not an "ask and it shall be given" proposition.
    Too often people confuse the word (communication) with (action).
    If someone doesn't get what they want they believe there must be a "communication problem". Not getting what you want does not mean the other person did not hear or understand you!
    It's sort of ironic that most couples don't start having "communication problems" until (after) they've been together for awhile. It's the equivalent of moving to a brand new city and not getting lost until after you have lived there for years!
    One would think the longer you've been in a place or have known someone (the easier) it would be to get around town or understand each other's wants and needs.
    Most times when someone in a relationship feels they have a "communication problem" it simply means (they're) unhappy with the way things are in the relationship. They're mate on the other hand may be content with the way things are.
    Since we can only control ourselves all we can do is ask our mates for what we want. There are basically two reasons why a spouse would not give you what you have asked for after you have expressed it's importance.
    1. They don't have it to give. (In other words it's not who they are)
    2. They don't believe you are worth the effort. (If they did, they would.)
    Oftentimes people will say he/she (used) to ....etc However one can never be sure if they were being their "authentic self" then or if they were simply trying to "impress" you to win you over.
    Marriage has a way of making people RELAX. They believe there is no more "competition" out there and their mate is NOT going anywhere so therefore there is no need to "work" as hard to keep them happy as they did to "win them over".
    A garden dies from neglect
    These people are usually shocked when their spouse files for divorce. Once a person realizes that she/he and her spouse do not want the same things anymore it's time to move on. 
    There is no amount of "communication" or "work" that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.
    Each of us chooses our own friends, lovers, and spouse. If we're unhappy with our choice then we need to make a new one. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness

    1. DDE profile image43
      DDEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      dashingscorpio  you have mentioned every detail to know of here and I so appreciate you answering this question thank you

  3. DeepThought258238 profile image62
    DeepThought258238posted 8 years ago

    Some of the reasons communication becomes a problem are the following:
    1.) The mate loves to talk but doesn't like to listen.
    2.) Sometimes either mate may not like talking about their feelings and they feel uncomfortable if they're being pressured to do so.
    Scriptural principles that can help -
    Proverbs 18:13-" When anyone replies to a matter before he hears the facts, it is foolish and humiliating." Don't be quick to talk, take time to listen.
    James 1:19 - "Everyone must be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger."  A good listener will not just listen with his ears but with his heart also. A marriage mate can detect the level of respect you have for their feelings by how you listen and how much you try to understand.
    If the mate struggles with opening up patience is vital.

    3.) Avoid talk that is sarcastic and insulting.
    Being disrespectful in a marriage is a big mistake. Colossians 4:6 states "Let your words always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should answer each person." Ask your mate how they feel when they hear you talk about them in public, or even in the house.

    4.) Some mates feel because they are married they have to have the same opinions and personality.
    Really accept each other as you are and respect what is different about your mate. It's like the human body, you have parts with different functions and yet they're all needed and co-exist with one another. A good principal is Philippians 2:3,4 which states "Do nothing out of contentiousness or out of egotism, but with humility consider others superior to you,as you look out not only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others."
    If you put this to practice your mates love for you will remain solid if not increase.

    You can find more good advice at www.jw.org

    1. DDE profile image43
      DDEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      DeepThought258238  you answer is most helpful and so much truth here. Thank you.

  4. tsmog profile image76
    tsmogposted 8 years ago

    Not having marriage experience I probably am not the best to answer. Having had roommates for more than 2 years on several occasions we ran into challenges at times. The same occurs with co-workers having worked with some for as long as 20yrs. Maybe we could say communication with relationships? I dun'no . . .

    Communication covers a wide gamut IMHO. How I communicate romantic love is not the same as how I communicate with day to day life. Those for me are different. Not every social exchange I would presume is centered around romance. Not that, that is the subject. C.S. Lewis wrote a nice treatise of the Four Kinds of Love:
    Attraction or Storge
    Friendship or Philia
    Romantic or Eros
    Unconditional or Agape

    Relationships are founded on Love, said in some circles. Communication exists in all of those forms. Deciding which form of Love the communication is breaking down within is the challenge we may be discussing. And, their values and worth.

    Maybe the guidelines for friendship is askew or has changed, yet ponder if Romantic Love still presides along with Unconditional. Loving a person unconditionally does not necessarily mean agreement of everything.

    And, too, being a friend & having a friendship may be delineated by some. I am friends or have friendly relationships, yet most I do not have an intimate friendship with. By intimate I mean having trust and faith to discuss with vulnerability fearing no judgment my inner most feelings and thoughts. Friendship goes through stages as does Romance. They simply have ebb and flow.

    I think, IMHO, that is where we discover many times a person of a marital relationship may have a different intimate friendship bonding with another outside of the marriage. Relationships exist outside of marriage. At times as with any relationship comparisons & contrasts are rendered between those.

    EX: The marital spouse does not meet the standard of another intimate friend & vice versa. Difference occurs. Or, colloquially you are not as good a friend as so & so. Therefore, you do not love me as much. A conclusion is made the communication is at fault because communication intimately is better with the friend.

    With the eye of an osprey one may discover, yes, communication may be lacking. Yet, is that communicated or lumped into marital love as being All Love? Maybe a friendship appears as lacking with the marital spouse, yet attraction, romance, & unconditional love is not.

    Love is interesting, IMHO, it can be a puzzle & Life too.

    1. DDE profile image43
      DDEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      tsmog  thank you gratefully for taking part here I found you answer to be helpful and very informative.

  5. Ms Seattle profile image61
    Ms Seattleposted 8 years ago

    It all comes down to the willingness of both parties to ensure that their relationship stays alive. There are many ways in which to communicate but if only one party is committed it will be a bust. Both parties must be attentive to the others needs, ask questions, be resourceful, creative and most importantly.....never make excuses to stop `wanting' to be with each other.

    1. DDE profile image43
      DDEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Ms Seattle thank you for sharing what you know I appreciate your helpful answer.

  6. profile image0
    Dave36posted 8 years ago

    I reckon compromising is a big no no in relationships/marriages, & negotiating is crucial..I suppose the big reason why communication fails in relationships is "fear", fear of what their partner would say & how they would feel about what was said etc..Iv'e also heard somewhere that what ever we want our partner to be better at, "we" must first be better at it ourselves..For example if we want our partner to be a better lover, then we must first be a better lover..If we want our partner to be more honest, then we must first be more honest..If we want them to be more fun again we first must be more fun & so on..We do it first, & see if it "rubs off" on our partner..The one thing i can see that would make sense to try doing to "re-light the fire", & that's to think back & do what you did in the beginning of the relationship..Try to get back to the honeymoon period, & then stay there..Communication between 2 people that aren't in control of their emotional mind, will always end in those 2 people arguing..Remember most people aren't in control of their emotional mind, so their not in control of their emotions/feelings when confronted by their partner on a sensitive subject, & will usually argue etc rather than think logically about what was said..Also most people won't understand that their not in control of their own feelings/emotions, & that's is proved by anyone who argues..So what i would suggest is the person doesn't confront their partner ever about their marriage, but tries to control their own emotions/feelings be more fun & positive, & see if it rubs off on their partner..Someone has to be aware that there could be a solution, "but" it requires a logical solution not an emotional one..So someone has to be in control of their own feelings & emotions, & that will rub off on their partner.

    1. DDE profile image43
      DDEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Dave36 thank you for sharing your mind here a very interesting and useful comment.

  7. grand old lady profile image82
    grand old ladyposted 8 years ago

    Marriage is basically a collection of memories. Even in the smallest things, you are forming a memory. If you are constantly critical, etc, the communication will eventually stop. If you fill each memory with laughter, support, and respect and love, trust develops as does communication. Sometimes, you have to change yourself to inspire a husband to change as well.

    1. DDE profile image43
      DDEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for such a thoughtful answer

  8. moiponetsoka profile image65
    moiponetsokaposted 8 years ago

    Once married people relax because they know that you are always there, they dont call to check up on and ask how is your day going because at the end of the day you will meet at home and once the word divorce they start caring.marriage is just a complicated and hard work

    1. DDE profile image43
      DDEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      moiponetsoka thank you for such a helpful answer as most are here. A marriage needs lots of working at for couples to be happy.

  9. Stephanie Tringin profile image73
    Stephanie Tringinposted 8 years ago

    The simplest answer to your question would be that during courtship both partners do all they can to win the others love and get the big " I do!" answer...when they finally get it, they forget the flair and excitement of impressing each other like the time during courtship...that's when communicating with your partner fails and love gets rusty...

  10. Penny G profile image60
    Penny Gposted 8 years ago

    In mine, he doesn't want to talk, just watch TV and play video games, it's hopeless, I don't want to fight about it no more, so I exist in my own world, that is how I ended up her, Thank God I did. I needed people to converse with.


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