Is marrying someone you don't love the ultimate definition of settling?

1. 72

   dashingscorpioposted 9 years ago

   Is marrying someone you don't love the ultimate definition of settling?
   
   Recently a question was asked on HP: Is it more important for you to marry someone who loves you than to marry someone (you) love? A few folks stated they'd rather be with someone (who loves them) rather than they themselves being "in love". Essentially the belief is if someone is "in love" with you they'll treat you right. However this begs the question: If you don't love your spouse can you really be "happy" with them? Is it settling? Is it fair?  Aren't you more likely to fantasize or consider cheating with someone whom you do have chemistry with or melts your heart if given the chance?
   
   

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2. 82

   gmwilliamsposted 9 years ago

   
   
   It ALL depends.  There are people who do settle for the first person who treats them with affection and respect because they feel that no one else will come along.  Such people are desperate for a relationship.  They may even feel that NO ONE wants them so they settle into any type of relationship.  They are of the school that any relationship is better than NO RELATIONSHIP AT ALL.  They feel that they have little or no worth so they maintain that they have to settle for the first person who comes along.   
   
   A subcategory of such people feel that they have nothing to offer to anyone in terms intellectually, educationally, socioeconomically, and physically.  They maintain that they are subpar and that NO ONE WORTHWHILE and NOTEWORTHY would want them, adding that they would be extremely lucky if someone gives them a holler.  So in their purview, they maintain that they will marry anyone who wants them as their pickings are extremely slim.
   
   There are other types of people who marry people whom they do not love.  However, the latter are catches in terms of society and culture.  These catches are the crème de la crème and the elite of society in terms of wealth and family lines.  They marry such people in order to get into the right circles for exposure, career, and socioeconomic advancement.  They are of the school that if they are going to marry someone, it is going to be for money.  They could care less if they love the intended.  To them, it is about money, power, and the things that go along with such accoutrements.  They believe in the adage that if one is going to marry, MARRY WELL......
   
   The first two types of people who settle will in all probability not cheat.  First of all, they are happy that someone is with them, believing that they are the worst of the worst.  They are so happy with this person that they view the latter as God incarnate.  They are elated that someone will be with little old them, a nobody.  They have gotten the bargain of a lifetime so to speak.
   
   The last type will cheat after a while.  After all, they did marry/settle for money.  There was no love there.....well at least on their part.  They will do their obligatory spouse scene.  However, they will have an outside person whom they will have their dalliances with.  Yes, they will lead double lives.   A nice, pristine life with the moneyed spouse and quite another with a lover.

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   1. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Excellent Points! (Some people have low self-esteem and would consider themselves lucky to find someone who loves them) There are others who want love they're unwilling to give! Maybe they got hurt once and said: "Never again!"
      They're takers!

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   2. 82

      gmwilliamsposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for selecting my answer.

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3. 87

   tsmogposted 9 years ago

   Answering the opening question I lean to it being correct when considering the colloquialism of 'settling' for someone. But, I have reservations with how Love is defined, understood, and accepted. The second question is interesting, but that is where the characteristics of Love steps in.
   
   Of course Love is an entirely different discussion. Love is interesting because it has personal implications, those with an intimate another, and continuing through to being universal.
   
   I have a lean that each person in the relationship will love them self, their partner, and the relationship itself. How those relate are debatable. I feel if the love of/for the relationship is primary, then it would negate the concept of 'settling'.

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   1. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      The concept of "settling" will always remain as long some people (feel) they could have chosen a better mate for themselves. They're saying they didn't get what they wanted but took what they could get.
      We're talking about those not in love.

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   2. 87

      tsmogposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      Oopps! Sorry

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   3. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      No problem.
      What do you think of those people who want to be loved by someone (while not loving them back in return)? One adage goes: "The person who is least invested in a relationship controls it." They're trying to avoid being hurt again.

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   4. 87

      tsmogposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      That definitely opens doors to understanding. I tend to concur. I cannot answer at length with thought, however have began a Word document with this question as a hub idea. If it develops I will I post here . . . Thanks for the idea :-)

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4. 54

   Dreamlinposted 9 years ago

   The answer is fairly simple. Only true love will last, and by "true love" it means you and the other party love each other equally and deeply. However, "True Love" is hard to find in the world (many people are not patient, before they realize what true love is and what's meant to love someone, most of them are already married and have a family - no wonder the divorce rate is so high nowadays.) That's why you read about "True love" mostly in newspapers, but they do exist in real live. What you need to do is: Be patient, use the time to improve yourself for the better. If you are an independent, capable, and charming individual, when the right moment comes, you will meet the right person. If not, just keep waiting. It's better being single and happy and full of hope and wonder than stuck in a wrong relationship you can't escape, especially when there are children involved. Your action and decision may effect not just yourself, but your next generation as well.

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   1. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with you about "true love" being lasting.
      I want to know if you believe a person who'd only marry someone that (loved them more) is settling? Controlling? Selfish? Cheating their mate out of being with someone who'd love them equally?

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   2. 54

      Dreamlinposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      "Settling" in my opinion is not only irresponsible to the other party, but to yourself as well. Without true love to hold the relationship together, any "settling" won't last.  It's a selfish act to fulfill an urgent desire.

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   3. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      I agree. Marrying someone only because {they} are "in love" with you and you'll be "in charge" of the relationship because you don't care as much about them is selfish and cheating both people out of having a real loving relationship.

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5. 80

   passionatelearnrposted 9 years ago

   This question does not has an easy answer.but keep in mind ,people with whom you may have chemistry,may treat you very badly.If a person does not love you, then they will NOT be sincere to you and will cause you lots of pain.God will also punish you for rejecting the love he sent .Love is precious.Love is created by God.

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   1. 72

      dashingscorpioposted 9 years agoin reply to this

      However is it settling? Are you cheating them out of the opportunity to be with someone who actually does love (them)? Are you cheating yourself out of the joy of being with someone you're "in love" with?

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6. 86

   Deborah Demanderposted 7 years ago

   Marrying someone you don't love seems like a passive aggressive attempt to control. If they "love" you, but you don't love them, why in the world would you ever marry that person? You owe it to yourself, to the other person, and to the sanctity of marriage in general to be honest.
   A relationship that isn't founded in love will eventually hurt both parties involved, and will hurt any children involved.
   Be honest, not only with yourself, but also with your partner. They will never be able to win your affection, and you will never be quite satisfied if you enter into the relationship without loving them. Don't think it will grow over time. Affection and love do grow and evolve, but that assumes you love the person to begin with.
   Save yourself the cost and heartbreak of a divorce, and marry someone you love. Or, stay in the relationship but don't think you have to get married.

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   1. 82

      gmwilliamsposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Excellent, intelligent answer-YOU ARE ONE SMART WOMAN!

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