jump to last post 1-28 of 28 discussions (114 posts)

Is It Ever OK To Settle?

  1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
    DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago

    Let's say you're strongly convinced the love of your life has come and gone, but you don't want to be alone forever.  Is it ever OK to settle for that reason?

    1. dutchman1951 profile image59
      dutchman1951posted 6 years ago in reply to this

      at 61 I can honestly tell you;  no, never that. You will not be happy.

      why settle, so you missed one time.....look for the best relationship you can have, why be in a hurry?

      learn to be still...it will happen. Trust in your Judgement and learn from it.
      smile

      1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
        DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Looking for the best I could do could seem like settling in certain circumstances...

    2. Greek One profile image78
      Greek Oneposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      worked out for my wife ok! lol

      1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
        DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Yeah, she got a bargain with you...a husband and a comedian!

        1. Greek One profile image78
          Greek Oneposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          and a male model!

          1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
            DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            Yes, let's not forget that!

    3. your cybersister profile image61
      your cybersisterposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I can't  think of any reason good enough to just settle for a partner, even if you are getting discouraged.  About the only thing lonelier and more miserable than being alone (provided you want a mate) is being with the wrong person.  If you settle you will eventually be unhappy, probably make your partner unhappy, and the relationship will deteriorate anyway.  Then you'll be back to looking or worse yet, cheating while you're still together. 
      Also, be realistic about what you expect in a partner.  Nobody's perfect, you just need to find someone who feels perfect for you.

    4. ftclick profile image60
      ftclickposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      No way, I do not think it is a good idea. You will be miserable and still thinking of the person that got away.

  2. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
    SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago

    good question...for me...no, no settling - it just wouldn't be enough...and there could be another love - could be a better, different (different time) or another love of your life...you just never know until it happens

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I think sometimes the search gets exhausting...people get tired of looking.  Then an opportunity presents itself and it may not be Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, but it's Mr. or Mrs. Good Enough!

      1. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
        SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        ...ha ha ha ...about the ;Good Enough'...i guess if it works for some....it's just not for me...but i'm not searching...and i have a list  (j/k....or maybe not)

        1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
          DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          A list?

          1. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
            SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            ha ha ha ...a list of what i don't want!

            1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
              DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              Gotcha, yeah I've got one of those, too, but it's getting awfully long!  Seriously, must I pull every weed in the garden? smile

    2. profile image0
      kimberlyslyricsposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Have to agree for sure big_smile
      Hay SOT hope your well

      1. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
        SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        i'm good KL....hope you are too!...have a great day!

        1. profile image0
          kimberlyslyricsposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Thanks

          in San Fransisco loving it!

          Got here Wed home on Sunday
          http://s4.hubimg.com/u/5040395_f248.jpg





          http://s4.hubimg.com/u/5040455_f248.jpg

  3. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
    SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago

    ha ha ha...mine is pretty long too!  I'm okay with that though.  Well, you can keep a couple of weeds - i guess; it depends on whether they are invasive weeds that take over everything...that's a good way to put it btw

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I seem to do an excessive amount of weed pulling and not enough of flower finding...maybe the initial question should have been...is there only one true love of your life or are there many?

  4. seamist profile image68
    seamistposted 6 years ago

    Is it okay to settle? I think it depends on the person, and the degree a person is settling. I don't think it's right to stay in an abusive relationship, but beyond that reason, it's a matter of personal choice.

    Nowadays, it seems like many people think the grass is greener on the other side, and they keep one eye open looking for something better. Then when they think they do find the perfect relationship, it's usually just a mirage. They find out too late that the new relationship isn't any better than the one before.   

    If I've learned one thing about relationships it is this: The only thing that changes in relationships is the set of problems you have to deal with, but all relationships will have problems. Consequently, most people would be better off to work at the current relationship.

    One time I read a story in one of the Chicken Soup books. The man was in an unhappy relationship. Rather than leave, he decided to stay in the relationship and work at treating her the way he wanted to be treated. Over time, her attitude started improving too.

    1. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
      SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      ...good points seamist

  5. seamist profile image68
    seamistposted 6 years ago

    Is there one true love in life or is there many? Maybe I have a cynical point of view, but I think falling in love is overated. Most people say I fell in love with so and so. Fell in love are the keywords. This is what I think happens. People meet someone. They're either physically or emotionally attracted, and they have tendency to fill in the blanks or the things they don't know with their imagination. Then later, after they know the person better, they disover what the person is truly like, and they may or may not be unhappy.

    In most cases, I don't believe in actually falling in love. I think people fall in lust first. I think true love is a choice we make not an uncontrollable feeling. I think the health of relationship is dependent upon how much work and time we are willing to invest in it. Consequently, I think there can be many true loves in a person's life. It just depends on your mindset.

    1. cheaptrick profile image74
      cheaptrickposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Good point"I fell in love"...I've never fallen in love...stepped in it a couple of times,but always wiped it off...

      1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
        DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        yikes

    2. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      What if you aren't even "in lust" with the person, but he treats you well and you think you could probably get along?

      1. Disturbia profile image60
        Disturbiaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        There is something to be said for being treated well and getting along.

        1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
          DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Yes, there is.  A friend of mine married a man who is not by any means Prince Charming in looks, but he treats her extremely well.  Hey, he even calls her "Princess"!  smile  She can depend on him, but I'm sure even though she has never said this, that he may not be the great love of her life, but she does love him.  So is love enough or will you end up wishing for that great romantic love that you feel is missing in the relationship?

          1. Disturbia profile image60
            Disturbiaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            OK, I've been married 5 times.  Romance only goes so far, eventually the fire burns itself out and you want somebody you can depend on, somebody you can trust, somebody who is not going to cheat on you, beat you up, or leave you the minute you have a bad hair day.  Your friend isn't missing a thing.  I'm always falling for Mr. Wrong because I'm impulsive and think with my heart not my head.  At this stage in my life, I'd settle for Mr. Boring-but-Stable who treats me like a princess.

      2. Randy Godwin profile image91
        Randy Godwinposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Would it be okay of he just "settled" for you?  If so, then yes, you both settle for each other on the same terms.  smile

        1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
          DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Randy, my life is so whacked, anyone who chose to be with me would HAVE to be insane or head over heels in love! smile

          But I get your drift...ugh, and you're right...I would hate to think someone would just "settle" for me!

      3. profile image0
        Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        if lust is all the relationship is based on, then there's not much left over when it fizzes out.
        We get sold a fairy-tale that there is only 1 true love and that your heart should leap out of your chest etc.

        1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
          DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Well, I know the heart leaping out of your chest phase won't last forever, but a simple flutter every now and then wouldn't be too much to ask for, would it?

          1. profile image0
            Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            If I had zero attraction for them apart from the love of a sibling or a friend, then I wouldn't get involved.  Taking advantage of their affection would be cruel.  Unrequited love is painful, but being used and discarded would be more painful (one that doesn't love back is on the lookout for something 'better').

            I don't fall in love easily.  The first person I loved didn't love me back, other than 'more than a sister' (ie they were attracted to me but didn't really love me). 
            I married the first person that loved & accepted me - my hubby is my best friend.    Is there always passion - no.  But I would be devastated to lose him.  We have a child together.   Maybe he's a comfy old slipper now?  smile

  6. Akashik profile image60
    Akashikposted 6 years ago

    Is it ever OK to settle?
    Wow, don't like the way that feels at all.  There is no need to settle.  Settle for what?  What are you looking for?  That's truly the question.  If you were looking for an apple, would you settle for an orange?  In this context -- love and matters of the heart -- I'm reminded of Yoda of Star Wars, "Do, or do not, there is no try!"  Being open to your deepest desire creates an attraction force that draws your wish to you.  To 'settle' would only decrease the attraction energy (that you create), reducing the possibility of manifesting in your life your true desire.  The concept of settling, accepting the least instead of striving for the most, results from our conditioning into a deficient and scarcity worldview.  It ensures we do not achieve our dreams because we believe we cannot.  It is time we realize we can settle down with our heart's desire; that is the only form of 'settle' to accept!

    1. Disturbia profile image60
      Disturbiaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I like that.

      1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
        DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Wow, I like that...even though it's alot to digest.  Settling for our heart's desire...hmmmm...

  7. profile image0
    Home Girlposted 6 years ago

    I've been married for almost 30 years to "Mr.Right" who was all wrong for me. It will probably take close to 30 more to get over it... big_smile

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      OK, I'm confused...so is he right or wrong? smile

    2. Akashik profile image60
      Akashikposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Now, 30 years [Applause, applause], and to someone 'who was all wrong' for you, that's love AND real work (I know, I divorced after 20).  Do you think you 'settled'!!???!  I'll be surprised if you say yes!

    3. profile image0
      Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      was he "mr right" according to your original idealisations?

  8. shogan profile image86
    shoganposted 6 years ago

    DIY, you'd have to ask yourself what it is you're settling for?  A life?  You already have that, don't you?  If your significant other doesn't elevate you in a meaningful way, how is he your "other"?  You're fine on your own, without the complication of asking questions about whether it's ok to settle.

    All that said, I wonder sometimes if what some of us need to do is settle ourselves.  Do you think you're looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Fictional?

    1. profile image0
      Home Girlposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      With all my energy I "created", should say "invented" my husband. I saw in him somebody who was not there, but he tried really hard to be that perfect guy I imagined. My husband was a good actor and I was as naive as you can be. And I loved him, I am not sure, was it the real one I loved so much or the one I imagined? You can change a person very little if he/she does not want changes, now I know that. It's just too late. My husband is very ill now and I cannot go away and forget him as a bad dream, he needs me more than ever. But I do not love him any more.

      1. Akashik profile image60
        Akashikposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        OK, so you did surprise me yikes  But, your description doesn't sound so much like settling as it does the idea that 'we complete each other.'  The love that you both had is evident in your devotion to him in his time of need.

      2. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
        DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Oh Home Girl, my heart breaks to hear this.  You have a million stars in your crown, you know this, right?

        I do think sometimes we try to make a person fit the mold of what we consider as the perfect man or woman.  Then after years of struggling and trying, we realize how much time we wasted.  I did that once...just trying to be careful this time, but at the same time, realizing that time is short.

        But  Shogan's right, maybe we are better off alone. Aaack, so much to think about!

      3. profile image0
        Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        your love is no longer romantic, but of duty?

    2. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Shogan,  I have more LIFE than I ever bargained for.  I have so much LIFE I need to share it with someone else!  smile

      The person in question elevates me probably more than I deserve, just not sure I can reciprocate.

      Yes, give me Mr. Fictional...I want HIS number!

      1. shogan profile image86
        shoganposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Mr. Fictional doesn't exist outside your own imagination, but I guess you knew that.  You can make up his number if you want, but no one will pick up.

        This thread seems to be evidence that the man in question isn't the right one.  You'll hear a lot of cynicism, especially online, but I'll tell you: when I met my wife, I knew it.  We've been together for years, and she's more right for me now than ever.  The only reason I tell you this is so you know that it exists.  Don't listen to those who say it doesn't.

        What is it you're looking for that the man in question doesn't have?

        1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
          DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          That's just it.  Most people would think I'm crazy not to want to be with him forever.  But I don't have that little leap in my heart when I look at him.  And it may sound stupid, but I still want that.  I need to be more of a realist and go for the long haul Mr. Slow and Steady Wins The Race possibly...

          1. Lisa HW profile image83
            Lisa HWposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            I'm with shogun on this.   I think, too, even if you'd made up your mind to go for the "more practical" aspects of things (without the stars and music, etc.), even then if it were right (within that context) you wouldn't be questioning it at all.  It's what you think/want - not what other people think  you ought to think/want that matters.  I don't pretend to know anything about you or your situation (or anything else), but it strikes me that the doubts/questions are pretty much an alarm signal that something is "off".

            1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
              DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              I think maybe you and Shogan are probably alot smarter than me!  I may wait this one out a little longer.

            2. Lisa HW profile image83
              Lisa HWposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              I doubt the "smarter" thing.  I know in my case it's more that it's always fairly easy to whip up opinions/thoughts when the person in the situation isn't me.  smile  Time does have a way of ironing things out a good part of the time, though - one way or the other.    Maybe this isn't how people ought to do things, but my approach has always been, "If it's right I know it.  If it's wrong I know it.  If I don't know whatever it is I wish I knew - I do nothing, and time takes care of it."  (I'm kind of going through the "do nothing" phase in my Internet-writing endeavors these days.  hmm  )

              1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
                DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                Let's hope I don't stumble over Mr. All The Bells and Whistles on the way to the church to marry Mr. Slow And Steady! smile

          2. Karanda profile image83
            Karandaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            You have just answered your own question. "But I don't have that little leap in my heart when I look at him."

            There are two people here, two hearts, two passions. That 'leap in your heart' has nothing to do with lust or a passing fling. It is the deep reciprical love between a man and a woman, if you don't have it now, you will always wonder, what did I miss?

        2. TamCor profile image79
          TamCorposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Shogan's right--it does exist, and if you settle for one who is less than perfect for you, what would you do if the right one DID come along? Even if you weren't married, breaking up is painful, too...if not for you so much, then possibly for your partner, who may not have realized you'd "settled"... sad

          Anyone who knows my husband and I on here already knows our story, since we've both talked about it, or written about it many times, so I'll make it short(sorry to those who've heard it before! big_smile )

          He was 33, I was 29, with two small kids.  Both of us had had bad marriages, and had given up thinking we'd find that perfect love.

          Well, one night we found each other, and we never let go...We got married 2 months after we'd met, and almost 23 years later, we still haven't let go, lol...

          I know some say that marriage is hard work, but for us, it hasn't been--it's been a joy from the beginning.  We have never had a roof-raising fight--we talk everything out--really! I still get that thrill when he walks in the door...I still miss him when he's gone for the day.

          I can't wait until he can retire, so we can be together more--He lost his job a few years ago, and was home with me for a long time--and we loved having all that time together... 

          THAT is what you miss out on if you settle... smile

          I hope it all works out for you!

          1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
            DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            Tamcor,  so happy to hear a story like that and happy for you both.  That and insanely jealous! smile

      2. profile image0
        Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I know someone that is waiting for their 'perfect' wife that they believe God will provide - they are 40 and still waiting

  9. profile image0
    Home Girlposted 6 years ago

    I like that kids'tale about sleeping beauty. I was that sleeping beauty. Only I was sleeping with my husband until life hit me in my face and told me, "wake up you, fool, dream is over!"

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Amazing how reality can whack you in the face when you least expect it.

  10. profile image0
    klarawieckposted 6 years ago

    I would rather settle than stalk the one I want. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. You have to learn to move on and love the one that loves you. smile But of course, I believe in reincarnation and trust that there are lives that are simply not meant to be shared with a particular soul mate. But eventually, he/she will come around! smile

    1. Disturbia profile image60
      Disturbiaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Seems like I get whacked in the face by reality all the time.   I'm done with looking for Mr. Right and I no longer  "settle" for anything.  I dumped the last Mr. Wrong a few months ago and I couldn't be happier.  I have several Mr. Right-for-Nows I'm dating currently, each with his own special charm and appeal and I have no plans to settle down with any of them.  I'm done always trying to make myself fit someone else's expectations and I'm tired of constant comprise which is all you seem to do in long term relationships.

      1. profile image0
        klarawieckposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I've never settled. I'm happy to be married to the man I've always wanted. But I saw a documentary about arranged marriages in India, and something caught my attention. They said that... "In India, you don't marry the girl you love. You love the girl you marry." It doesn't seem like a bad concept to me. It all depends on how you look at it.

      2. shogan profile image86
        shoganposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        "I'm tired of constant comprise which is all you seem to do in long term relationships."

        Disturbia--That's all you do in life, if you want to be happy in the long run.  There isn't much worthwhile that doesn't require some kind of investment, emotional or otherwise.  The act of compromise is how we invest long-term in our relationships with others.

        1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
          DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Shogan, you're right .  I'm all for compromise and realize you have to do that to make a long term relationship work.  But I don't want to have to compromise what I want just to not be alone!

          1. Disturbia profile image60
            Disturbiaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            Exactly, I'm am no longer willing to compromise my own wants, needs, and desires and doing everything "his" way. 

            I've had 5 husbands and I let each one of them control my life. I was so totally dominated by my first husband that after he passed away, I didn't even know if I had a mortgage payment or not.

            My second husband couldn't spend the money the first one left me fast enough and I bought him everything he wanted and paid all his debts only to be dumped by him when I got sick.

            I followed the third one, a wanna-be country singer, into every dive bar, rodeo, and county fair all across the south and southwest for several years until one day he became violent with my daughter and that was where I got off the bus.

            The fourth one was probably the worst, he protected his brother's horrible secret of sexually abusing my youngest daughter.  I came close to doing something very stupid to both of them, but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in prison.

            And this last one had me completely taken in.  He lied to me about everything.  He was an abusive alcoholic and also an internet porn freak.  After five years of black eyes, counseling, therapy, and praying for him to change, he continued to hookup up with other women he met while online even after he repeatedly promised to quit.  Well finally I quit.

            I have had enough of compromise.  I may no longer be a "spring chicken" but I'm still an attractive woman, I have an excellent education, I'm intelligent, I have my own business, and I have a trust fund from my first husband that I won't be able to spend in a lifetime.  My girls and I lack for nothing material, I don't have to settle for anything.  If Mr Right never comes along, well I'm OK with that.  I'd much rather be dating a string of Mr. Right-for-Nows than ever settle for Mr. Wrong ever again.

          2. shogan profile image86
            shoganposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            It's not a one or the other, DIY.  If you feel it is, then the man isn't the right one for you.  For me, compromising is a gift; I'm grateful to be able to compromise with my wife.

            For both you and Disturbia, it sounds like you may be viewing compromise as part of the issue, when it's not.  The issue really is just the guy(s).  Over time, the danger of confusing the two is you're left thinking you're better off with only Mr. Right-for-Nows, when really that's just you safeguarding your feelings.

            1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
              DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              I'd compromise if I found someone worth compromising with! smile

              1. shogan profile image86
                shoganposted 6 years ago in reply to this

                Fair enough.  smile  Meanwhile (and I don't say this from a harsh place), keep working on making sure you're someone worth compromising with, too.  In other words, don't lower your standards.

  11. Lisa HW profile image83
    Lisa HWposted 6 years ago

    Some people are happier with making settling a way of life anyway.  Others could never be happy/at peace with settling.  One thing I do think, though, is that even a couple of "settlers" might underestimate how unhappy they'll eventually find themselves - so what once seemed like "OK" settling turns into some real misery.  It's also bad if one person feels like s/he is settling, and the other one doesn't at all.  That's just disrespectful and unfair to the person who didn't know s/he was a matter of being "settled on".  hmm

    So, my answer on this:  Don't settle.

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Doesn't anyone out there have a relationship where each loves the other equally?  Why does it always have to be so lopsided? sad

      1. Karanda profile image83
        Karandaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Yes. This is my second time around and eleven years on, I feel more for my partner than those first heady days of a young romance. The beauty is, I know he feels the same.  We are like chalk and cheese in so many ways yet we appreciate our differences and cherish those moments when we are on the same page.

      2. profile image0
        Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        that would be nice, wouldn't it?  I wonder if that ever really happens?  My hubby was more smitten with me than me with him initially (even though we both had the infatuation whirlwind). 
        Part of the reason I love him so much is he has been committed to me through thick and thin.

      3. cindi h profile image60
        cindi hposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I've been married for 22 years, with him for 28. We have probably been through every possible crisis and adversity, yet as a couple, we thrive.  I don't really know what the secret is to a lasting relationship, all I know is that we each give more to the other than we expect in return. I am not perfect and to expect a perfect man would be hypocritical. There are things about me I don't like and to expect someone else to like everything about you is unrealistic. So to like everything about someone else is also unrealistic. My husband and I have managed to focus on the good about  each other . We do not let a day go by without telling the other we love them and then the response from the other is always I love you more- I love you most- I love you more than most. I believe Our expectations in relationships are formed from childhood. What we learned from our parents and what we saw in movies. The 'happily ever after' and 'Prince Charming' syndrome. It's no wonder as adults we are extremely confused about love and relationships, but at the end of the day you want to know that your partner will be there for you no matter what. A key component in the equation is whether you will be there for them no matter what. If you think about the love between a parent and a child, there is NOTHING your child could do that would make you not love them anymore. That's the kind of love you want to find in your spouse, the love that allows you to accept the others imperfections and in spite of them-Love them.

    2. profile image0
      Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I'd say don't settle for someone that likes you but you don't feel attraction for.  But also don't have fantasy land expectations.

  12. Lisa HW profile image83
    Lisa HWposted 6 years ago

    Sure.  Lots of people have equal relationships.  For the most part, I think it's those of us who have never been willing to settle.   smile

  13. Mikeydoes profile image74
    Mikeydoesposted 6 years ago

    Well you look very beautiful, so I'm sure the guys are probably all over you.

    I'm not worried about finding the one. I am not searching at all, and I may never(at least not to this point). Lots of things could happen and jumping in to a marriage could be a big mistake. Almost all the married men I talk to do some amount of complaining about their wives. And some should be, some of the things I see women pull just baffle me! Obviously this isn't the case for many marriages, but I do see this happen a lot, and I am going to try and take all the precautions I can.

    I would be lying if I haven't gotten this bit of advice at least 30 times.

    "Don't ever get married kid."

    No smiles, no dimples, nothing. They are genuinely miserable and for good reason. Many of the stories I have heard from those 30 men would drive me nuts. The most recent one was a guy who's wife is addicted to gambling. They did think they were each other's one and only's. I'd rather work on getting myself situated and hopefully she'll find me smile

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Heard a similar story about a guy whose wife has turned into a raging alcoholic and absolutely refuses to stop.  It's wrecking a once great marriage.
      And Mikey, you are funny and smart, women's favorite combination...she will definitely find you!

    2. Disturbia profile image60
      Disturbiaposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Mikeydoes - Don't ever get married kid.  I believe you when you say these men are genuinely miserable.  Yes it is a two way street, there are just as many horrible women out there making men miserable as there are men doing it to women.   I won't ever do it again.  I never wanted to get married in the first place but I think it was just an expectation of women from my generation.

  14. ljv21 profile image72
    ljv21posted 6 years ago

    Have to say, got lucky myself...found Mrs. Right....ah, but the "right" one is not an easy thing to say.  I think there are a lot of "right" ones...everyone has their own good points and bad points...it takes a little work on both sides to really feel that their are right for each other.

    Settling is just a way to ensure misery...Today it's so easy to meet loads of people....keep looking....but make friends along the way...that will keep you from being lonely at least.

    By the way, relationships are hard work, no matter how perfect either side seems.....and you will never know who is the "right" one, well, not until you realize that even with the worst of fights, you want to be with that person...personally, I not only met Mrs. Right but also my best friend.....can't tell you how nice it is to have a smash down, knockout fight with Mrs. Right, only to have to go and bitch about it with my best friend...lol

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Nice to know love does exist and you can still fight and at the end of the day AND call it good...cue the Stevie Wonder music..."We can work it out!"

    2. profile image0
      Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I believe there are lots of 'right' partners too.  Just no perfect partners.

      1. ljv21 profile image72
        ljv21posted 6 years ago in reply to this

        you have it right there....no one is perfect

  15. Lisa HW profile image83
    Lisa HWposted 6 years ago

    Maybe something else to ask is whether or not it would be a matter of "mutually agreed upon settling".  If the feeling of settling is mutual and agreed upon, I think that's one thing.  If only person feels he's settling, I think that's another.

    I think something to ask might be whether we'd like to be the one someone else settled for; and if we were, would we want to be told that, or would we want the other person to pretend otherwise?

    I, personally, wouldn't ever want to be the one that someone else only settled for.  I wouldn't want them to tell me if they did, but I wouldn't them to try to pretend otherwise either.  So, basically, I'd never want to be someone else's "settle-for person", because it's kind of a lose/lose again, one way or another situation.  If I were the one considering settling, I think if I cared about the other person at all I wouldn't be able to turn him into my "settle-for person" either, only because I wouldn't want to be someone else's "settle-for".  hmm

    Of course, there are people with little enough self respect, dignity, and/or pride that they'd be delighted if someone else settled for them; and that they'd delude themselves into thinking the other person's feelings would change.  (I pretty much see the feelings-changing delusion as a blood-from-a-stone type of thing.  hmm )  (There's kind of nothing worse than having no pride, no dignity, little self-respect, and delusional thinking as the foundation on which a relationship is built.)  hmm

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Agreed, being settle for is like coming in second in the beauty contest or horse race or whatever.  You weren't first, you'll never be first.  And you'd always worry that the person who did make their heart leap would come along and knock you out of even your pathetic second place position.

      Has anyone ever married someone you weren't really sure about and really grown to be head over heels in love with them after the fact?

      1. Lisa HW profile image83
        Lisa HWposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        I did the opposite:  I married someone I was sure about - only to discover, oopsie!   hmm  (That shows you how much I know!  lol  )

        In all seriousness, though...    Even though I had absolutely no doubts (at the time) that all would stay the same as it was forever, I did see little signs that all wasn't perfect in the relationship, itself (not necessarily in how anyone felt toward the other).  Believing it was only reasonable not to expect perfection, I overlooked some seemingly minor imperfections in the relationship; thinking, "Well, it's not realistic to expect perfection."  Of course, I was 21 years old at the time.   I would eventually realize that there's a difference between "expecting perfection in the other person" and "understanding that a solid relationship has a certain set of elements to it, and it isn't 'expecting perfection' to know that a relationship that lacks even a couple of those essential elements has cracks in its foundation and won't stand up to the tests of time and troubles."

        So, I guess maybe another thought might be to consider the health of the relationship (how equally "the emotional stuff" is distributed between the two people, and according to those standards that determine what makes a really whole, healthy, relationship - or even friendship).  I don't think anything (more love/romance) can grow from a flawed and unhealthy relationship.  I think, maybe, assessing the whole-ness and health of the relationship is the first thing.

        I once read a good "scientific" analysis of romantic love, and the social worker who wrote the book said that, with all kinds of different love relationships, when the love is real there is always admiration and respect of the other person.  Most of us probably know plenty of people who love us in an imperfect way, or who care about us a lot; but who may not particularly respect or admire us, as individuals (rather than admiring or respecting only one aspect or another of our personalities/abilities).   Ever since I read that (and it really struck me how true it does seem to be), those two qualities are always what I use when I'm thinking about whether one kind of love or another is the healthiest, truest, kind.

        Maybe, too, another test would be to ask yourself exactly how important having your heart leap is to you.  The world is full of people who marry people without that heart-leaping thing.  A lot of those people just don't believe the heart-leaping kind of love even exists.  (Others know it does.)   I know someone who says she knows it exists but that it's so rare "if people didn't settle for less nobody would have their kids"  lol  Then, too,  only some heart-leaping love is of the permanent variety.  Lots of it is of the more shallow, infatuation, variety and eventually either fades or fizzles anyway.  Not all of it does, but some does.

        Maybe something else to ask is this:  Is there something the other person is/does that may be taking away from any chances you'd have your heart leap and see the sparkles (or whatever)?   There could be some perfectly wonderful, kind, guy who'd seem to be thoughtful and kind and romantic - but if the guy sees the woman in a way that doesn't particularly include respect or admiration, all the great behavior and gestures in the world kind of undermine the romance of it.  They guy whose idea of being the perfect partner is to "treat his girlfriend like a queen" may not have much romantic appeal for the woman who prefers a guy who sees her as an equal (just an example). 

        Anyway, just things, maybe, to think about....     (I'm just getting over an awful "flu thing", so I'm still too achy and exhausted to be fit for doing much other than pondering other people's life issues.    smile   )

        1. profile image0
          Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          the heart-leaping stuff is fun and exciting, but what it really boils down to when you're both old and wrinkly is respect

        2. ljv21 profile image72
          ljv21posted 6 years ago in reply to this

          hope you feel better.....have to say you put it down so well

      2. profile image0
        Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        that is the fear - that if they settled for you, that they would always be on the lookout for something better.

        I went through the infatuation with hubby, and was disappointed when the infatuation fizzed out (no-one told me this happens).   I was idealistic and immature - hubby was my first 'real' relationship. 
        A male friend that I found attractive tried to elbow in on our marriage.  I had to discard the friendship.  I couldn't throw away what I had with my hubby to have a fling (which might have been both exciting and destructive).  I respect my husband too much for that.  I've suffered many health problems over the years, and hubby has stuck by me.  My love for him has deepened and is of a different quality to the love when we first met.

  16. sshoup19 profile image55
    sshoup19posted 6 years ago

    hahahaha

  17. earnestshub profile image88
    earnestshubposted 6 years ago

    All we ever do is settle.

    In the long run, tolerance of that settling is what holds relationships together.

    1. profile image0
      Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      agree.  In the end we decide to stay together, rather than run off with the next exciting thing that walks past

      1. shogan profile image86
        shoganposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        That doesn't have to equate to settling, though.  I don't think commitment has to be viewed in the same light.

        1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
          DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          I don't think settling has to do at all with the compromises you make once you're actually IN a relationship.  Settling is deciding that the fireworks and all that crazy "love stuff" is not that important and taking someone who's good enough, stable, reliable, whatever it is you think you are needing, and accepting that as the best you're going to get.  But without that attraction there, that little spark, what pulls you through the rough times?  I want someone that no matter how much he might make me mad at any given point during the day, at the end of the day, I still want to drag him (and ONLY him!) off to bed that night!

          1. shogan profile image86
            shoganposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            That's it.  Right on, DIY.

            Before I got married, I knew a woman who would have gone to the moon and back for me.  She seemed to be crazy about everything I said, did, thought...you get the point.  I told her I just didn't feel that way about her.  I tried, because I thought if she felt that way, I should, too, but it just wasn't there.  I felt guilty about it, but I knew I'd feel worse if I gave her the false belief that we could work in the long run. 

            When I met my wife the very first time, it was electric.  I don't know why.  Everything about her "clicked" in me, and luckily for me, she felt the same.  I often wonder what that is, because it was beyond physical attraction and it was instantaneous.  I'm telling you, there's something about two people that can connect immediately at a profound level.  If it hadn't happened to me, I'd have thought this was an adolescent delusion.  It's not.

            1. TamCor profile image79
              TamCorposted 6 years ago in reply to this

              That is exactly what happened with my husband and I when we met, and why we were engaged two weeks later, lol...

              I'm so glad to hear that someone else has had the same experience. smile

  18. profile image0
    Home Girlposted 6 years ago

    Life is such a mistery, so is love. One that is Mr.Right can be completely wrong for you. Why, why do we fall in love? Sometimes with a totally wrong person.
    Sometimes with a person you can never be with. Never-ever, you know and still suffer. It happened to me, when I was 18. It cost me 2 years of complete madness, emotional sufferings,drop from university,what not, do not even want to remember, closed that emotional door long ago. And then one happy day I woke up from that, no more that maddening feeling, no more desperation. It was like a disease, and suddenly I had been cured, I felt a relief and freedom. I could live again. Right now I feel that same relief, I do not love my husband, I pity and care about him because he is really ill and not going to recover, but I free from love and it gives me freedom to go and live at least most of my life the way I want,or the way I can. It's hard to explain, not everybody would probably understand. Because overpowering love is a burden, it, like an avalanche, sweeps you away and prisons you for a long time, sometimes forever. I am not looking for love or relationship any more, I am through with that, I just want to be free, free from any feelings if it is possible,- I am afraid, not.

    1. EmpressFelicity profile image81
      EmpressFelicityposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      I think I know what you mean.

      Over the last few years I've also come to view "being in love" as at best an inconvenience and at worst a form of madness - or, as you put it, a disease. 

      The worst part of it is that so many people use this disease as an excuse for the most appalling behaviour - like dumping their spouses and children, for example.  And much of literature and popular culture seems to reinforce the belief that it's OK to behave like a complete ar*e, as long as it's done in the name of love.

    2. profile image0
      Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      some people enjoy that infatuation stage so much (when you can't sleep & see partner through rose-tinted glasses), that they never settle, but jump from one fling to another

  19. profile image0
    Home Girlposted 6 years ago

    Thanks, Felicity. For me,strange as it may sound, I hope I'll never fall in love again. I do not want that emotional burden ever again.

  20. jongmi42 profile image56
    jongmi42posted 6 years ago

    Everyone settles. If it wasn't ok to settle then there would be no such thing as marriage. To me, marriage is settling.

  21. TamCor profile image79
    TamCorposted 6 years ago

    Because overpowering love is a burden, it, like an avalanche, sweeps you away and prisons you for a long time, sometimes forever.

    I don't understand this, Home Girl...how can love like that be a burden?  I LOVE that I am swept away by my love for my husband--how in the world can that be a bad thing?

    Real, true love does not fade away, ever.  I was married before and thought I was in love, but until I met Tom(my husband) I didn't realize what REAL love was. It sounds cliche, I know, but it's true. Nothing will ever come between my husband and I, I know that deep down inside.  We have been through sooo many trials and tribulations(not between the two of us), but each time we faced another battle, it brought us that much closer.

    We have had disagreements, sure, like any other couple, but never has that lessened how we feel for each other.  We have worked everything out that came along...by talking--never yelling--not once have we raised our voices to each other.

    Have we compromised sometimes? Sure! But it's never been one-sided--never just my way or or his way.

    I guess I'm just trying to explain, somehow, that there really are couples that are truly in love out there, and we are blessed enough to be one of those.  We don't take it for granted, and I thank God everyday for sending Tom to me. 

    I will say, though, that if something ever happened to him, that I would never want to be with anyone else, ever.  We've had almost 23 years of happiness, and I hope to have many more.  If I lose him to death, I will thank God that I had that time with Tom, and I won't look for it anywhere else.

    What we have will last me a lifetime--I would live the rest of my life with my memories, because no one could ever be as wonderful as Tom is for me...

    I'm sorry to rattle on, but I guess you can tell that this is something near and dear to my heart, lol... smile

    1. profile image0
      Home Girlposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      That's why I said that not everybody can understand that. Let's say for the sake of clarification that in my case love made me  forget who I am, that I am a person too, I cannot just sacrifice my life for somebody else, and I did just that. For many years I lived for my husband, he was my priority. I do not want to be a slave of my feelings. Not any more.  I do not want to give examples, it's too personal, but I guess my husband found it too convenient to be an object of such idolation  and played along nicely for many years and then got tired of it.

  22. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
    DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago

    I love how this question has taken on a complete life of its own with so many different perspectives. smile Guess it just goes to show...love is never black and white and not the same for anyone who experiences it.  What I've taken from this is, despite my family's not-so-subtle hints to the contrary, I can't just say, OK, I'm done looking and this is the best it's ever going to get for me.  Love is sometimes painful, sometimes overwhelming, and to some of you here, not something you ever want to do again!  I watched my parents' love story from a child's and young adult's perspective and always said to myself, "Yeah, that's what I want in my life." But I guess I thought that kind of love was pretty much something people had a long time ago, that it doesn't exist anymore.

    From those of you who wrote and said you were living your love story right now...I know that it's a possibility still.

    So "settling" will have to wait awhile for me. smile

  23. Cagsil profile image61
    Cagsilposted 6 years ago

    Is it ever OK to settle? Do you settle things about yourself? Or do you improve upon yourself in everything you do?

    If you settle, then you are filled with contentment. Contentment leads to stagnation. wink

    1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
      DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

      Not in a relationship, it doesn't.  Most people would say it leads to happiness...

      1. Cagsil profile image61
        Cagsilposted 6 years ago in reply to this

        Contentment gets boring. Stagnation is motionless. That means the relationship isn't moving or progressing.

        1. DIYweddingplanner profile image88
          DIYweddingplannerposted 6 years ago in reply to this

          Contentment in a relationship doesn't mean stagnation to everyone.  You can be content in a relationship that is constantly growing and evolving.

          1. TamCor profile image79
            TamCorposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            That's right, you can! It seems to me that a relationship stagnates if you're NOT contented, and don't do anything to try to help the situation...you just "settle" for the status quo... smile

            More than one way to settle, I guess, isn't there? lol

          2. profile image0
            Baileybearposted 6 years ago in reply to this

            as long as not growing in different directions

  24. Moms-Secret profile image76
    Moms-Secretposted 6 years ago

    I would respond with a resounding NO!  Relationships are hard.  It's like an obstacle course sometimes.  In order for it to be worth it, you have got to be all in.  Especially if you want to make it out together.

    I say save your settling for last minute lunch plans and such.  Any issues there will be gone in a day or two.

    I could not imagine settling for the person that you want to see every day for years on end.  Unfortunately, I see a lot of this.  Non-smokers with smokers.  Non-Drinkers with heavy drinkers.  They did it when they met, but it was accepted.

  25. SomewayOuttaHere profile image60
    SomewayOuttaHereposted 6 years ago

    ...cool...i was only there once...checking out the old 'hippy haven' - ashbury? i had to drop by - just to see it - rode through in 07!...it was a great trip...

    ...have fun...i'll think of you today enjoying yourself!

  26. michelemacwrites profile image83
    michelemacwritesposted 6 years ago

    Life is really way too short to settle.  You can, though, do your part in making things better or at least initiating change.

  27. lizy625 profile image60
    lizy625posted 6 years ago

    dont ever settle for anything less than you deserve

  28. 4tune profile image60
    4tuneposted 6 years ago

    No I would not settle at all.

    If I felt someone was the love of my life and it was not returned I would simply enjoy the good I had from that and realize whatever qualities he had that were so great could be found similar in another, maybe even better next time then.

    I mean seriously if he the love of my life don't want me, well that's one BIG important quality he had that really was not so desirable then, Then sure I'd love him in a way still maybe just not the same way.

    It's a "Choice" you can choose to take it away/change it the same you chose to give it, Because I really think if you love someone you want the best for them, and if they do not think you are the best so be it.

    I would not even trust someone I had some thing with that left me,and TRUST is everything so that right there would be the end of me thinking he was the one come to think of it.

    So yeah Mr.right if your out there, don't screw it up even one time with me, Thanks.

    No don't settle, instead ask and expect for MORE next time.

 
working