What are some reasons people have affairs?

Jump to Last Post 1-9 of 9 discussions (22 posts)
  1. janshares profile image95
    jansharesposted 7 years ago

    What are some reasons people have affairs?

    In my work, I have found that "stepping out" happens for no one particular reason other than that the betrayer CHOSE not to uphold the commitment to the sanctity of the promise. We can enumerate the reasons but the bottom line is the choice to break the commitment or the vow. Thoughts?

  2. profile image0
    roobposted 7 years ago

    Temptation is very strong. For some more so than others. I believe many families are affected by this!

    I mean of course it is human nature to find others attractive, but it is about respecting your mate and honoring the commitment.... easier said then done right?

    Now as for why... well some people may be more sexual and tempted that way, others may be insecure and want attention, some may feel neglected and want what they aren't getting somewhere else... either way I don't think any of these are valid excuses.

    1. janshares profile image95
      jansharesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      You're right, Robert. Great and accurate reasons but not valid excuses to cheat.

    2. profile image0
      roobposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks Janis!

    3. Angie Dorothy profile image54
      Angie Dorothyposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      It is not so typical of me to refer professionals online but I feel like I owe a lot to  hackdemon4@gmail.com who helped me track my cheating husband when he was having an affair, I got to find out that he has been lying to me for the past 5 months a

  3. gmwilliams profile image84
    gmwilliamsposted 7 years ago


    (1) There are people who are simply thrill seekers.  They view having affairs as psychological, even psychic conquests.  They see "lovers" as notches on their belts.
    (2) A subcategory to this, there are people who find monogamy whether marital or committal as boring......Dullsville.  They believe that the more "relationships" they have, the better/merrier.  They believe in living life to its reddest, juiciest, & most succulent moment. 
    (3) Rebellion against the so-called societal relationship norm.  There are people who can be classified as unconventional. They feel that the strictures, especially relationship ones, imposed by society are stultifying to say the least.  They refuse to be bound by the 1 on 1 relationship which they find imprisoning in multiple ways.  They believe that in order to grow, they must have as many affairs as possible.
    (4) There are people who AREN'T monogamous & aren't about to be.  They intend to have affairs & are quite unapologetic about it.
    (5) To add spice to their lives.  Many people have affairs because their current relationship, whether marital or committal, has lost....its spice.  They believe that having an affair/affairs will put THAT SPICE back into their lives.
    (6) Not being appreciated, respected, & taken for granted in the relationship.  People have affairs because at least THOSE OTHERS will appreciate them for the individual sexy people they are instead of being known as wife/mother, husband/father, or significant other.

    1. janshares profile image95
      jansharesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Really interesting points you've delineated, Grace, and all very much on-point. Thank you very much.

    2. gmwilliams profile image84
      gmwilliamsposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      You're quite welcome indeed.

  4. dashingscorpio profile image85
    dashingscorpioposted 7 years ago


    Oftentimes people will ask the cheater: "If you're not getting what you want or were that unhappy why didn't you just end the relationship?
    Generally speaking cheaters aren't looking to "replace" one relationship with another. They're looking "compliment" what they already have.
    The primary goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side. These so call "needs" vary from person to person.
    They may be physical, emotional, ego driven, or for excitement.
    If for example a married man with three children finds himself with a wife who has lost interest in sex. They've talked about it and tried other things but she simply has no desire. From his point of view he has three options.
    1. Accept the fact he is done having sex for life.
    2. Run down to the courthouse to file for divorce, move out of his house into a one bedroom apartment, pay child support and possibly alimony, become a weekend dad, and divide up family and friends as they choose sides.
    3. Find a woman who is attracted to him and enjoys having sex.
    Many go with #3!
    A few years ago the following question was on HP.
    "Is sexual incompatibility a valid reason for ending a marriage?"
    Over 90% of the responses said "no". That's exactly how cheaters feel too.
    I imagine some folks feel they cheat in order to (stay or tolerate) unhappy marriages. Whatever issues they're having doesn't justify divorce to them. I believe there are 3 basic types of cheaters:
    1. The Incessant Cheater
    This type of cheater most likely has never been faithful in any long-term relationship. They get bored easily.
    Their motto would be: "Variety is the spice of life!" Whenever they attempt to be monogamous they find themselves behaving like an overweight person trying out a strict diet. Most likely it's not a matter of (if) but (when) they will cheat.
    2. The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater (Caved in to temptation)
    This person wasn't proactively looking to cheat but an unbelievable opportunity arose be with a "fantasy" or secret crush who hit on them. Oftentimes due to guilt this cheater may confess at some point.
    3. The Discontented Cheater (He/she blames YOU!)
    Something (you did or stopped doing) led them to venture outside of the relationship. Someone else put a smile on their face and made them feel "special" again.
    Cheaters never believe they'll get caught so it's a better option than divorce in their eyes.

    1. janshares profile image95
      jansharesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Excellent analysis of motives behind cheating. Thank you very much for answering. I agree.

  5. chainfreeliving profile image60
    chainfreelivingposted 7 years ago

    In my professional experience as a licensed marriage, family therapist (and also in my other business as a life coach) there are many, many reasons people use to consciously rationalize and justify the breaking of marital vows. More importantly, there are many completely UNCONSCIOUS reasons that people cheat on their significant others / spouses - they literally are driven by compulsive forces that initially present as being completely beyond their control. Ultimately, many humans have big, empty spaces in the center of them that threaten to fill with unrecognized pain, need, anger, rage, and grief - often unknowingly repressed during childhood. We fill this empty space with all kinds of things, specifically, people, places, and things. Anything to soothe the ego and feel better about ourselves. If a person is feeling rejected in their marriage and feels powerless and/or helpless to reclaim the attentions of their partner, yet for various reasons (children, etc) choose (or cannot) leave the partnership/marriage, soothing one's pain and bolstering one's self esteem via accepting the attentions of another can seem like a reasonable option. Sometimes a person is in a relationship that at root is no relationship at all - they are completely emotionally disconnected, yet they sleep-walk through the relationship and stay together for multiple reasons, and therefore are very vulnerable to having an affair as well. Some people are flat-out narcissists: They feel entitled to do and have whatever and whoever they want, and they do not care at all if they hurt others, including their partner; as long as they don't have to be inconvenienced by getting caught. I've met very religious and also 'spiritual' people who have affairs: In nearly every case, they felt it was justified. However, living a lie is just that: Living a lie. In the end, it serves no one to cheat on another and have to cover up events and facts. The distorting of reality and the 'gaslighting' of someone who trusts us is an emotionally aggressive act, and very, very damaging to the psyche and the soul of all parties involved. We diminish ourselves and our truth, and our trustworthiness as human beings, by doing so. However, having worked with both the cheater and the cheated upon in my practices, in the end, I agree with the psychologist Karen Horney, who said that "in the end, we are all just striving and struggling humans." I vote for compassionate understanding every time. Some relationships can survive an affair, with professional help. Some cannot, and it is better that they end, because of the affair, and other reasons as well. Affairs are a symptom of a relationship that needs healing and attention; not a solution, ever. That's my two cents worth. - Rebecca, MA, MFT

    1. janshares profile image95
      jansharesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you so much, Rebecca, for your "two cents" answer which is worth a lot more. I appreciate your wisdom and experience on the matter. I too, have worked with the betrayed and the betrayer and vote for compassion, on both sides, every time.

  6. manatita44 profile image80
    manatita44posted 7 years ago

    I always feel that you are a loving person, Janis, but you make this sound simple. Why do some people do abortions? Are they all bad?

    My take is that it is human weakness. Some of us seem to want to do what we do, while others get caught up, sometimes innocently, in certain circumstances. That is why our Lord suggests that we do not judge.

    A woman is perfectly straight and she spends 15 years in an all female prison, and comes out a lesbian. A man looks at the internet for some time and then finds himself doing things he never thought possible. Is the weakness the prison or the internet?

    Sure enough, there are external catalysts. Many! But the problem is within the inherent weakness of man. We are really a work in progress, and would never imagine how weak we are, until exposed to certain situations which caught us unawares, so to speak.

    Choice is not always simple. We are bound by universal laws, some being cause and effect; action and reactions, and while I'm not saying that there is any hard and fast rule, sometimes we are just meant to be where we are.

    My journey is not yours, and yours is also not another's. Isn't this wonderful? Much Love, Janis. God bless you.

    1. janshares profile image95
      jansharesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Much love to you, too, Manatita. I appreciate your answer and agree that weakness and human nature are culprits that often lead to the decisions we make. I have a poem hub that toys with this notion. Thanks for your wisdom.

    2. manatita44 profile image80
      manatita44posted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you Janis. Many fears are borne out of loneliness and insecurity. Ask seemingly satisfied friends, then you will be surprised. We are all innately human. Some will not tell you this. The 'mask' is a form of protection. Love.

  7. tamarawilhite profile image86
    tamarawilhiteposted 7 years ago

    Selfishness, typically.
    For physical fulfillment they don't think they get at home (note, women, don't shut him out or he may seek it elsewhere)
    For emotional fulfillment (mostly for women), which is the death of a marriage
    For novelty or out of curiosity, which is pure selfishness

    1. profile image0
      roobposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Yup serving themselves would sum it up in my opinion! Nice take on it Tamara.

    2. janshares profile image95
      jansharesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Absolutely, Tamara. Self-centered, ego-driven selfishness play significant roles. Thanks for answering.

  8. roselinsojan profile image60
    roselinsojanposted 7 years ago

    I will say it is because the husband&wife they are not loving each other.if we get into a married life,then we are taking an oath that, in any case happen we love each other till death.love is sacrifice, with out it no family life.

    1. janshares profile image95
      jansharesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      Absence of love is certainly a factor for some couples. Thank you for answering.

  9. emge profile image80
    emgeposted 7 years ago

    Frankly all this boils down to the nature of man which is polygamous.  I have yet to come across a setting where there is no adultery and no extramarital affair. I will say that married men are more likely to indulge in these frolics. In a way, Islam accepted the polygamous nature of man and approved 4 wives and simple divorce. 

    Coming down to the Christian nations, I don't think divorce is allowed in the catholic  community, yet I found that in Italy there were a maximum number of extramarital  liaisons.

    1. janshares profile image95
      jansharesposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      I've always believed this, too, Madan. Monogamy is unnatural which is why it's so difficult to maintain for so many. Thank you for your answer.


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)