Am I the one to blame?

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  1. profile image42
    jenny bradposted 8 years ago

    I smoke and my husband doesn't trust me because I smoked behind his back and lied about it. I lied because I feel like he controls me too much and he always brings up divorce when we argue. We argue a lot and I usually lose. It's like he has more power over me, ex. if I smoke he usually wants sex because I smoke. He keeps the pack locked up and keeps the key with him and allows me one a day. Sometimes that's not enough because when I'm stressed I don't know how to deal with it. I'm sad and I smoke to calm down. I want to quit and am trying. When I try to talk to him about how I feel, we end up arguing and it always boils down to me smoking and bothering him about playing too much WoW. He doesn't admit to any fault except that he 'lets' me smoke. He plays WoW to relax and escape from life's problems so why can't I smoke to do the same and someday find another way to relax? He doesn't let me hang out with my BF's because they smoke and he thinks they encourage me to smoke but they don't, I made the choice to smoke behind his back (that was my mistake). They even said they would leave their packs with him so us girls could go see a movie and have a girls night. He got mad and just said, "they could go buy another pack," true, but they said they would do whatever necessary so we could go out together. We have a little girl and I never go out without either her or my husband. He doesn't want me to leave her with him because he hates to feed her and all he wants to do is play WoW. Am I just silly or should he take some fault?

    1. profile image0
      B.C. BOUTIQUEposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I believe you need a new husband..or get rid of that one and be single..he is not your father and is trying to be..

      I ended up with a roomate who acted like that to me..he acted like he was with me, controlled my cigarettes and my medications, lived off me and kept saying he was trying to help..he even controlled my car...I was actually afraid of him..

      I ended that quick by moving out while he was at work on a forth of July holiday ( the only day he worked more than 3 hrs a day )..then the jerk harassed me saying I owed him, he loved me, blah -blah-blah..I changed my phone number and got protection...

      he is still out there, but has not found me yet..he was a mamma's boy, over 30 and I id not ever want him ...I leaned this from just having a roomate, and this guy is actually your husband...file for divorce dear, he will just get worse!

  2. yenajeon profile image82
    yenajeonposted 8 years ago

    It's time for you to bring up the divorce!

    1. profile image42
      jenny bradposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      One of my BF's is a single mom and she reminded me how hard it is. I have brought it up but I just can't do it.

  3. Mikel G Roberts profile image76
    Mikel G Robertsposted 8 years ago

    How old are you?

    1. profile image42
      jenny bradposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I'm 20. He believes he does nothing wrong.

      1. profile image42
        jenny bradposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        How do I put up boundaries for myself without starting an argument?

        1. Mikel G Roberts profile image76
          Mikel G Robertsposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          The arguement has already started, what your really wanting to know is how do you win the argument.

          1. profile image42
            jenny bradposted 8 years agoin reply to this

            yea...

            1. Mikel G Roberts profile image76
              Mikel G Robertsposted 8 years agoin reply to this

              First you have to decide if it is worth winning, by that I mean if you end up with an ultimatum, quit smoking and do as your told or leave....

              is it worth getting to that point to you. If your answer is yes, then tell him that.

              If your answer is no then be quiet and do as your told.

              1. profile image42
                jenny bradposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                I dont want him to leave and i dont want him controling me. I want to reach common ground.

                1. IzzyM profile image89
                  IzzyMposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                  Maybe you should teach him a lesson, and take your little girl and move out - call it a trial separation - see if he make the moves to woo you back?

                  1. profile image42
                    jenny bradposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                    we live with my dad

              2. AEvans profile image79
                AEvansposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                You did not say that? lololo

                Be quiet and do as your told oh my goodness! lololo big_smile

                1. Mikel G Roberts profile image76
                  Mikel G Robertsposted 8 years agoin reply to this

                  That is the way the situation seems to be for her to me... Those seem to be her choices...

                  I'm not very blunt am I... (grinning)

  4. IzzyM profile image89
    IzzyMposted 8 years ago

    Some guys are just control freaks. My boyfriend is one of them too. I think deep down he has insecurities, and it could be your husband has them too. You need to reassure him, if you can, that you love him and think he is wonderful.
    I should take my own advice, when my fella gets bolshie, I just tell him he knows where the door is.
    I am not married to him. That makes a big difference.
    You have a young child too. He should not be telling you what to do with your life. It is your choice to stop smoking. All he has a right to do is encourage you. This thing about locking the cigarettes away is just control, nothing more.
    You are young, I assume he is too.
    I take it you are still in love with him. Fine, just don't be 'in awe' of him. When he has you there he will walk all over you, and he will lose respect for you, because that is the type he is.
    Reassure him, but be firm. You are an adult, you have to stand on your own two feet, even to him.
    Things could change. If they don't...Walk.

    1. profile image42
      jenny bradposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      I'm pretty sure he would walk. Every argument we have ends with me feeling worse off than before. I try to compromise with him but in the end I feel like I get the shorter end of the stick.

  5. profile image0
    sneakorocksolidposted 8 years ago

    You're young and uneducated in the,"Powers of Guilt!" My wife can ruin my son and I with just a look! Demand a truce until you can be taught and good luck!

  6. AEvans profile image79
    AEvansposted 8 years ago

    If he is controlling you now, it will get worse as both of you get older get out now before the emotional and mental abuse turns to physical abuse or violence. Divorce him and your father should support you on that decision. smile

    In the meantime quit smoking it is bad for your health!

    1. IzzyM profile image89
      IzzyMposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      They do sometimes change. My first husband was like this but I knocked it out off him, eventually.

  7. profile image0
    sneakorocksolidposted 8 years ago

    There are classes starting in your area!

 
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