Help! She's too polite..

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   MeGunnerposted 13 years ago

   I know many people complain that their partner/spouses nag too much, are too demanding, are not sensitive and stuuffs like that but my gf is just too polite! Now we've been dating for over too years and we are quite intimate. But she says things like, 'Thank you very much, this means a lot to me, I really appreciate this...', whenever I do small , normal things for her. Like calling her! And I do that many times everyday! I though that is for when you are trying to impress someone. I have told her those things are not necessary but she just can't stop. And I think am getting annoyed more and more. What am I suppossed to do? Thank you all

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      ryankettposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      It sounds like she is just too good for you.

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         MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         She doesn't think so. Am not sure. I just feel something might be wrong somewhere

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      Stimpposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      don't take it for granted.  Because when she is no longer saying "thanks"....you'll miss it.

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   Cagsilposted 13 years ago

   She shows her appreciation for the things that people do, for which, she considers needs or warrants saying thank you.
   
   It's getting on YOUR nerves?
   
   I'd recommend that you remember relationships require effort and understanding.
   
   Also, I guess you need to figure out your feelings and what you want from the relationship.
   
   Just a thought.

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      Rafiniposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I agree with you Cagsil.  She isn't taking anything for granted and that's a good thing.   It might be a good idea to discover the 'why' behind it - that might make it more tolerable.  (just as an example:  ...maybe she suffered a near death experience and now shows gratitude for every little positive thing someone does)

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      MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well I know what I want in the relationship and she's giving me a good portion of it. i just think we need to be overlooking some things. she's not anybody... she's my wife to be
      @Rafini. I didn't think of that. although I don't think she has any such experience but I will still directly ask her. Thanks a lot

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         Cagsilposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Well, by your reply, apparently we see things a bit differently. I'm not even going to explain the difference, because then it just would come across as insulting, because of other related factors, which I'm sure has already been dismissed.
         
         So, enjoy.

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   KCC Big Countryposted 13 years ago

   If you're interested in maintaining a relationship with her, I think you're going to have to have a heart to heart talk with her about it.  As kind as possible, explain why her constant politeness is annoying you.  My fear would be that someone like that would also expect the same in return for every little thing they did and that if you didn't do it too then you were somehow ungrateful.   
   
   I don't think it's ever wise to gloss over, or try to just deal with, things that truly annoy you.

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      starme77posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      good answer KCC

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      MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you. Well, I think that's part of the problem. I overlook some little things that she doesn't. She never complains, but when she starts her 'politeness' thingy, I just feel 'lower' than her as far as appreciation is concerned. Maybe that's what is getting to me

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   ralwusposted 13 years ago

   Well, just wait, when you marry her it will change, or if and when you move in together.

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      starme77posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      absolutley correct

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      MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I don't know if I should hope so. I just want her to somehow discern when I need her to be this polite. Is that asking for too much? I honestly don't know

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   starme77posted 13 years ago

   Do you thank her at all? Just wondering cause it sounds like you got a problem with appreciation - and maybe she isn't right for you

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      MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I do thank her. Interestingly anytime I thank her she reminds me of how I complain when she thanks me too. We have never quarelled, we don't even argue much, I think we get along fine. Suggesting she might not be right scares me a bit. Do you think am being stupid? I wonder if there anybody in this whole world that has ever complained about something like this around you

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         KCC Big Countryposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         
         
         This statement "bothers" me a bit.  This makes it sound like she likes being one up on you with the appreciation thing.  This statement begins to make it sound a bit manipulative to me.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but this statement along with your statement further up about how it makes you feel "lower" signals something more here.  I think it's worth exploring further before you marry this person.

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            MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            Thank you. My fear is wasting time and emotion on looking for something  that is not there... I will be on the alert and thanks for the honest and forthright suggestions... and for not thinking am a psycho

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   rebekahELLEposted 13 years ago

   perhaps she is fortunate enough to have been raised to be polite, and not just to use it to impress. if it bothers you and you've already talked with her about letting up some, it's probably just part of her nature, which is hard to change. maybe you could figure out why it bothers you or just accept it as part of who she is.
   
   there are so many selfish and rude people in the world, you're lucky to not have a diva for a partner!

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      MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks a lot. And she's very pretty too. Am trying to accept it. I was sceptical about talking to a counsellor but I decided to tap from the wealth of experience, goodwill and intelligence of my fellow hubbers. Already, Am glad I did

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   cocopremeposted 13 years ago

   Have you ever heard of the book the Five Love Languages?  My husband and I read it together and learned a lot about each other.  It sounds like your girlfriend's love language is "Acts of Service."  Here's the link to a hub about the book: http://hubpages.com/hub/Love-Languages.  It might help your relationship.

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      MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thanks. Am off to read it now!

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   prettydarkhorseposted 13 years ago

   my bf told me that before, I am too good, too nice, always say thank you and seldom gets angry. He ended up finding somebody else who wants more action -- as in fighting at times, disagreements, it makes the relationship healthier they say.
   People always finds something which is not there and if they are not use to it, then they feel discomfort. Or something like I don't deserve to be treated this way etc. because you are not use to it,
   
   I grew up appreciating other people and always polite and that is my nature, I am always thankful for the little things people do to me and the blessings I received.
   
   Ask yourself why you feel annoyed and talk to her about it.

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      MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I don't really know but I think overlooking some little things is a sign of 'deep relationship'. Obviously am wrong. Thank you for your thoughts

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         Polly Cposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Am I right in thinking that you feel the politeness thing is too over the top, rather more than just saying please and thank you and showing general respect? It sounds as if you feel that she is acting as though you are still in the early stages i.e. not known each other very long, and that by this stage you feel you should be acting more naturally with each other. By 'moving on', I imagine you feel that after two years you should be more comfortable with each others company and that some things just go unsaid, but still understood. And that you should have moved on to 'deeper' issues and become closer in that way? Hope this makes sense...

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            MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

            EEEEEEEEEEEEExxxxxxxxxxxxaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccttttttttllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it wrong to feel that way?

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               Polly Cposted 13 years agoin reply to this

               No, I'd feel that way too

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                  MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                  Thank you. So what do you think I should do?

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                     Polly Cposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                     I think the only thing you can do is to talk about it, be really honest and explain how you feel and why...make sure it doesn't sound as though you are criticising her, though, or she will more than likely get defensive. Just tell her that it isn't necessary at this stage in your relationship and take it from there...I reckon if you don't say anything at all then you will end up getting more and more annoyed, which isn't good for a relationship anyway. Good luck, hope it works out

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                        MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

                        Thank you once again. Hoping to invite you for our wedding

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   Dame Scribeposted 13 years ago

   I've told my own sons that they should be able to determine...after 2 yrs in a relationship..whether to continue or move on. I think during this time a couple learns each others dynamics and true motivations.. time reveals all. A gal thats too painfully polite may have been brought up as such due to strict parents and she may not know how to be herself at all but live the identity she was taught. Just some thoughts.

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      MeGunnerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Helpful thoughts. I definitely want to continue. I spoke fearing it might be dangerous to keep mute, and hoping I'll find useful advise on what to do. I definitely have!

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    Lecieposted 13 years ago

    i'm very polite and always say thank you when someone does something for me. only because i'm proud and devastated that someone had to do something for me. i'm so misreable that i want to scream at them for helping but all i can do is say a polite thank you and get on the computer to type out my anger. i'm the one person in the family that everyone knows they can rely on. so when i need a little help i hate myself for needing it and others for giving it. the only thing i can do is say a quiet thank you to show them their deed didn't go unnoticed and later scream at my computer. i hate needing help. i hate it so much that a lot of the times i'll refuse to ask for it until i'm hip deep in trouble and need someone to bail the crap out before i drown in it. i wonder if your gf feels the same way if it angers her to need the help and not be the one giving it? hope this helps.

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       Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

       you shouldn't think that way lecie.  you have to remember, love is a two way street.  don't get me wrong, it's always great to be grateful for any act of kindness a lover and/or friend shows you, but you shouldn't ever feel bad about it.  besides, how else is your lover supposed to show you how they care about you?  all im saying is you shouldn't allow guilt to ruin a moment if someone does something nice for you.  after all, any relationship you have is a two way street.  therefore, you shouldn't ever feel guilty about it.

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    Richieb799posted 13 years ago

    If she is Hot and you have things in common I can't see why you can't just except it

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    myownworldposted 13 years ago

    Since you're already close, why not just talk to her...tell her how you feel.... and gently request her that each time she wants to say a thank you, instead of words, she can do so through gestures.... like simply holding your hand, giving you a hug or a kiss?
    I'm sure you can turn this situation around.... to grow in love rather than apart...

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    TamCorposted 13 years ago

    Polly C wrote:
    Am I right in thinking that you feel the politeness thing is too over the top, rather more than just saying please and thank you and showing general respect? It sounds as if you feel that she is acting as though you are still in the early stages i.e. not known each other very long, and that by this stage you feel you should be acting more naturally with each other. By 'moving on', I imagine you feel that after two years you should be more comfortable with each others company and that some things just go unsaid, but still understood. And that you should have moved on to 'deeper' issues and become closer in that way? Hope this makes sense... 
    
    EEEEEEEEEEEEExxxxxxxxxxxxaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccttttttttllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it wrong to feel that way?
    
    
    
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    
    
    Well, here's my 2 cents, lol...
    
    MeGunner--My husband and I have been together for almost 22 years now. 
    
    I still thank him for taking the trash out...
    
    He still thanks me after every meal I fix for him...
    
    We thank each other when we bring one another a cup of coffee, or saying how nice the other one looks...
    
    Our kids thank us for every little thing, too...
    
    It's just our way of life--never taking one another for granted for even the little things, you know what I mean?
    
    I know a lot of couples who aren't like that, they just have forgotten about the niceties, it seems like.
    
    You seem like a really good person, but are a little taken aback by her behavior, because possibly it's not what you're used to--Maybe you weren't raised that way?  Like others have said, talk to her, but remember that you love her, and is it really that bad to have her treat you so nicely? 
    
    These days there are so few couples who show respect for each other, don't you think?  You can look forward to as peaceful and happy of a marriage as we've had, if you just give her a chance!
    
    
    Good luck--I hope it all works out well for both of you!
    
    Tammy

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    akirchnerposted 13 years ago

    I think some people (especially some women) are just trying to be as kind as they can be by saying thank you.  I tend to do this sometimes to extreme.  For instance when waiters bring me one thing, I thank them, when they bring another, I thank them.  It is just my inbred way of being polite.
    
    Now in a relationship, I guess I agree with the other folks about deciding if this is just a little quirk you can live with or if it really that big of a deal that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a 'thanker'! It's in my mind way better than someone who takes you for granted, but everyone has their limits.
    
    I would suggest as well talking to her about it and if she is half the nice person that she is trying to be, I think she'll understand and make an effort to maybe say it less often?  Or as Charlie (ralwus) said, if you move in together or get married, it may stop on a dime!  Good luck no matter what the outcome!
    
    P.S.  No thanks required!

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       TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       
       
       
       
       That was cute, lol...
       
       Tammy

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    Diane Insideposted 13 years ago

    I'm of the phylosophy, that if I am nice to people they will be nice to me. Therefore, I show my appreciation often to people who do things that I like.  She may feel the same way. Be glad she appreciates the little things.  Remember its nice to be appreciated. Maybe if you show her some appreciation she will feel how much you love and respect as well. Then she won't feel the need to over do it.

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    lorlie6posted 13 years ago

    I know I go overboard with politeness when I find myself saying "Thank you" when I didn't even need to!  I agree with most of the posters here that women are taught from a very early age that being polite will 'pay off,' you know, with men.  With society at large.  But I do understand how annoying I can be at times-my family makes fun of me now.
    Maybe you two can lighten up a bit?
    I hope so, this thread shows that you really want input.
    AND that you care about her.

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    CYBERSUPEposted 13 years ago

    TAMMY has said it all. Thanks so much Tammy for those remarks which are so needed in this day and age. God Bless You Tammy!

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       TamCorposted 13 years agoin reply to this

       Why thank you, Cybersupe--I really appreciate that...sometimes I feel a tad old-fashioned when I talk about what works for my husband and I--it feels as if some don't want to hear it, like we're just too square or something, lol...
       
       So thanks again for the encouragement!!! 
       
       
       Tammy

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    MollyMiigwanposted 13 years ago

    I guess I can see where you're coming from. You might feel it is ingenuine since you've heard it repeated so often-- some people get like that about "I love you's" (I know I do). I don't really care for the negative comments above, and I'm sure she likes showing her gratitude. Maybe extend to her that it isn't nesscessary and she shouldn't 'feel' like she has to-- maybe she does, and that's what she needs to hear. Or let her know that she doesn't have to be formal around you, and its okay for her to not have to be ... well, perfect. 'Flaws' can be beautiful too. :]

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       Stevennix2001posted 13 years agoin reply to this

       that's the best statement i read on this forum thus far.  i agree with you completely about that. 

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    Lisa HWposted 13 years ago

    I'm really comfortable saying the things the the OP's girlfriend says, but only when it's genuine (and not if someone calls me, unless they give me information I needed, or call to say they'll be late - something like that).  So there are people who are just polite (although I'm not saying, "thank you" and the rest of that stuff all through any one, given, day).
    
    On the other hand, I once worked for a person who was always saying "thank you" and "I really appreciate your efforts" essentially because a management course taught her that's how to treat subordinates.    So there's always the chance someone is not as much wanting to genuinely let the other person know he's not taken for granted, and is instead someone who has learned "this rule" about "how to be polite" (but they're more following the rule for a different reason than "from their heart").  This could make someone ask if the OP's girlfriend is just a sincerely appreciative person who doesn't take things for granted, or she if she may see him as "less" than she is and is carefully making sure she doesn't treat him the way she may see him.  Then again, if she sees him as superior to her, she may have had it drummed it into her that she needs to get approval by "doing what the rules say".   
    
    As KCC said, he needs to just talk to her about it.  As long as her side isn't the one about her seeing him as "less" than she is, she'll easily be able to reassure (and convince) him by telling him what's behind her behavior.  I think if she's seeing him as "less important" as she is, she may come up with some other explanation; but there's a good chance it will seem shallow (unless she's a skilled liar).
    
    None of this is much of an answer - just some possibilities.

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