Does romantic love change or evolve over time?

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   Sunnyglitterposted 13 years ago

   I believe it does change and evolve after you've been in a relationship or marriage for awhile (and that's not a bad thing), but I might be wrong, so I'd like to hear other opinions.
   
   My boyfriend stopped telling me that he loves me 4 months ago.  We live together, and just had a child together (I also have a child from a previous relationship), so while I wouldn't stay just because of my home or children, I would like this relationship to work.
   
   I thought I could handle my boyfriend not loving me anymore since the relationship is still good overall, but it is eating at me.  I no longer trust my boyfriend (I feel like I cannot trust somebody who doesn't love me, because who knows what they'll do), and I do not feel secure in the relationship.  I actually cry every day because it breaks my heart to be in a relationship with somebody who acts nice to me, but tells me they don't love me.  It is inconsistent and stressful.
   
   Yesterday, I asked my boyfriend why he doesn't love me anymore.  He said it's because he "doesn't get that feeling that everybody says they get when they're in love" and that he doesn't feel butterflies around me.
   
   Okay.  That was not the answer I was expecting, and I actually found it funny.  So I asked what his other reasons for feeling like he was no longer in love with me were.  He said he had no other reasons.
   
   I found it funny because I feel like it's normal to no longer feel "butterflies" after awhile.  In my opinion, after dating somebody for awhile, you still love them, but the love is different- it's a calmer feeling, like you're just happy they're around and you feel comfortable with them.
   
   Some background about my boyfriend:  I'm the only longterm relationship he's ever had.  I mention that because I know how some boyfriends claim they don't love you out of anger just to hurt you (I've had it happen), and I don't think that's what he's doing.
   
   We do not fight very often, and we are still extremely affectionate towards each other; from the outside looking in, everything would appear to be fine.  My boyfriend says that he's happy in the relationship, and would be sad if either of us were to end things.
   
   So yeah...love.  Does it change over time, or should I just consider this relationship to be over?

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      mirtlesquirtleposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      You are right about your notion regarding love. It changes as time goes by. The feeling changes but not the emotion. There is still a connection between the two of you but the feeling you had when you first started dating is gone. I think it is normal for you guys to feel that way. I think he still loves you but he doesn't know what the feeling is after "romantic love" is gone.

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   Joy56posted 13 years ago

   it changes all the time.... don't know about the butterflies, but i say he would miss you if you were not around.

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   SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years ago

   ...just a thought...he's talking to you and maybe sending a message...so...maybe the 2 of you need to kick it up a notch and bring a bit of spark back...discover each other again?...do some different things whatever that is...but together...and/or not together...discover yourself....shake things up a bit, but good stuff....

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      Sunnyglitterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Well...he's going out of town soon, for a week.  Maybe that will help.

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   logic,commonsenseposted 13 years ago

   dump his ass and find someone that appreciates you all the time.  Love evolves but not by someone telling you that you don't give them butterflies anymore!  True love means loving all the time even when there are times that the love ebbs slightly.  Love and life ebbs and flows, never give up on either.  Just don't stay with someone that doesn't have the desire to work thru the rough spots.

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   Joy56posted 13 years ago

   I'm going to ask Steve if he gets butterflies when he sees me ,,,,,,

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      SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      ...ha ha ha...he better have the right answer!

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   Greek Oneposted 13 years ago

   Romantic love starts with a connection based on the flames of passion and desire...
   
   It then enters a metamorphosis that is based on the security of companionship...
   
   Then finally, it matures into a relationship based on the comfort of familiar mutual hostility

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      Sunnyglitterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      lol at "familiar mutual hostility". 

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   Home Girlposted 13 years ago

   I don't like 2 phrases in your revelation:
   First, And I'll quote " but tells me they don't love me.  It is inconsistent and stressful."
   Second, " I'm the only longterm relationship he's ever had."
   You cannot possible tell somebody that you do not love him/her and continue to live with him/her. It's so lame, deceitful and middle ages sort of thing! If he is used to short term relationship and did it before, what do you expect? Marriage for convenience, - it's the most disgusting thing in the world! You don't have to be married to love somebody nowadays and you cannot(and should not) share your life with somebody who does not love you. Regarding butterflies... Some man always feel butterflies near a woman.    Speaking seriously, when you love somebody and I mean really love, you don't have to ask yourself or somebody else, you just know it. It's a precious gift and not everybody gets it unfortunately. Just don't cry over broken relationship, it's always your choice and who knows, you might get a second chance.

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      Sunnyglitterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah, I'm confused about why he would want to continue living here if he doesn't love me.  His parents are less than a mile away, and he's very close to them, so he could definitely go live back there if he wanted to.

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   rebekahELLEposted 13 years ago

   hmm, I don't know about romantic love changing, but people in love will change and experience love in it's various expressions.
   
   I wouldn't be happy if my partner said he no longer loved me. then it is just existing together. how can you love someone when there is no trust?  love yourself enough to expect love from your partner.. to cry everyday, that's heartbreaking. does he know this?
   
   have you read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery?
   there are many great lessons in the book and one of my favorite quotes about love, "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction." 
   
   sometimes we don't know we can fly until we spread our wings.  you are stronger than you think. best wishes to you!

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      Sunnyglitterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I haven't read that book, but I've heard that quote before.  It's beautiful.

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