Unsure about how I feel anymore

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   derren21posted 12 years ago

   Hi.
   
   Iv been in a ldr with a girl from another country. Iv been to visit her. I stayeed with her for 3 weeks and it was amazing!! we had such a great time. We are in love. we've talked pretty much everyday for over a year now. we use skype daily so we get to see each other.
   
   however, bout two weeks was her birthday, and we had planned to spend it together on skype. However she was having a bad day cos of different things stressing her out. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she didnt want to talk about it, cos she was in the living room, and she'd get upset and her mam would be asking her why she was upset and she didnt want to have to deal with that.
   
   But then, she went for dinner, and i was on her facebook page, and an ex girlfriend (she used to have a girlfriend, but im a guy so i guess she's bi or whatever) posted on her wall saying im sorry you didnt have a great day but not to worry about it. I FREAKED! i was like why is she telling her something she didnt tell me??!! i was really upset and mad. we talked about it and i felt i got everything off my chest in relation to her ex. she told me they are still friends, not good friends, but they are in touch. I said i was fine with that.
   
   then last week she went away for a few days so we didnt see each other, and the night she came back we only got to talk for a few mins cos she had to go to her friends for her birthday.  but something changed that night. I got kinda mad for no reason that she left so abruptly.
   
   And now iv been seeing her ex 'liking' and commenting on pretty much everything she posts on facebook. Now its not that i think shes going back to her, NOT AT ALL. i know how mucch she loves me. she got reallly upset at her ex posting on her birthday cos it upset me and she told me that she loves me so much. so i dont doubt that. But it makes me feel very uncomfortable seeing her ex's name liking everything. I dont like it. And i feel its pushing me away. im in a sort of 'meh' state. when we talk on skype we dont really talk that much, and i havent been as keen to message her back. I dont want to lose her. I love her. But lately ive become uncertain and it scares me. I want to tell her that her ex always liking makes me uncomfortable, but i know she cant control what he ex does on facebook. But i dont think she'd like it very much if one of my ex's was always liking stuff on my wall.
   
   I dont know how to bring it up again after the last time because i told her it was all good. But i think i need to or else i dont know what i'll do.
   
   If anyone could offer some advice that would be so great, as i dont know where to turn.
   
   Thanks

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      Gregoryyposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Hey Derren,
      
      First of all you need to tell her how this makes you feel, and if she is willing to change, and keep her ex off her stuff she cares about you, if she is not willing to change, it may be time for you tone it down with her.  Love is about commitment, and sacrafices, if she wants to keep you around, she would get rid of what is bothering you. You need to tell her though, or she will not know how you feel, and you may keep feeling jealousy, untill the day you let her know.
      
      Overall deep down inside you may know what needs to be done. You said yourself I think I need to bring it up again, and that is what you need to do. If she stops her ex, awsome. If she does not, it may be time to tone it down with her. Goodluck!!

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      V Qisyaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Sorry to say, she has to be firmed. Once broke off with someone, it's either you stay as friend(just friend) or stranger. Being in a relationship isn't something easy. We can't take things for granted. We have to take care of each other's heart. But, if it's rather hard for her to do that, it's time to sit down and clear up this matter ASAP.
      
      Let your heart out. You're her 'book'. She needs to read and understand you. And, you too need to do your part. Understanding is very important to keep relationship going.
      
      Jealousy? Yep, jealousy is healthy. It shows someone that we do love and care for them. But over jealous...is very BAD. It could put one's relationship to an end.
      
      I guess, it's done for now. Like what I said, be firm and true to yourself. Let her know how you feel.
      
      Take care and good luck!

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         IzzyMposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         Like giving her a good slap you mean?
         What does 'firmed' mean?

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            V Qisyaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

            I meant strong. Not weak.

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2. 53

   derren21posted 12 years ago

   Hey.
   
   I told her last night finally how i feel. I told her it made me uncomfortable.
   she said she understood that it does, and said it is totally normal. but that its not going to change, that she'll always care about her, and theyl always check up on each other and stuff like that. she said she was sorry it made me uncomfortable and she understands, but where she lives, its such a small place that its practically unavoidable to see her, cos all of her friends hang out with her, so its easier to be courteous.
   
   i told her i wasnt used to that cos where i live when you break up, thats that. and she said she wished it was that simple there. so that shows me she wishes she could have it like i do. but she'll always care about her, and they'll always check up on each other...... i suppose il have to accept that....

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   1. 86

      IzzyMposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Derren, why on Earth are you wasting your young life on a computer talking to a girl from another country and getting yourself all worked over what is probably nothing.
      
      Go out and get yourself a girlfriend who lives locally, and start living your life.
      
      You're not cheating (technically) because you are not married, living together or any of that stuff.
      
      Enjoy your life while you are young, free and single, because one day you will be tied down with kids, wife, mortgage/rent whatever, and life will just become one long slog.
      
      If this girl is meant for you, it will work out, no matter what you do.
      
      Enjoy yourself meantime

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3. 89

   mistyhorizon2003posted 12 years ago

   This kind of relationship has no future.. period. You have only ever spent 3 weeks together, which is not even a 'second' in terms of a relationship, and even then this was when everything was all romantic and 'dopamine' fueled. Sorry to be harsh here, but from someone with plenty of life experience, trust me when I say you need to look closer to home for a solid relationship, and forget worrying about Social Network pages like Facebook and 'who liked whose post'. I am pretty certain from your post here that you are still really young, and have a load of life experiences to go through yet. When you do you will one day look back on this 'relationship' and smile at your own naivety and inexperience at the time these events took place.

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      V Qisyaposted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Totally agree!

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4. 86

   IzzyMposted 12 years ago

   But hey Misty, our generation did not have Skype, or email, or text messaging if it comes down to that.
   
   I do think it is possible for two people to get together and really learn about each other over the internet.
   
   There have been a few successful internet marriages amongst folk that met online.
   
   But I do totally agree with the rest of your post. This is a young dude who should be getting out more and meeting girls his own age locally, and not getting so tied down with online struggles.

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      mistyhorizon2003posted 12 years agoin reply to this

      Yes you can 'kind of' get to know each other over the Internet, but that does not allow for the dopamine effects of 'new love', nor does it allow for getting used to dealing with the day to day annoying or objectionable habits of the partner, e.g. jealousy, nose picking, farting, snoring, untidiness, skid marks in undies, chewing with the mouth open or numerous other examples (these are just a few that jumped into my mind). The Internet is a very inefficient way to judge the suitability of a potential partner, as you only see the 'best' of them most of the time. Skype, emails and texting are not a million miles from pen pals as they were some years back, people still got together with the wrong people who they thought were perfect for them based on exchanges of letters.
      
      That said, maybe in more mature individuals on occasion it works out and they do get together. In youngsters like this I would be stunned if they ended up getting together and 'lived happily ever after'.

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         IzzyMposted 12 years agoin reply to this

         +1 totally agree.
         
         To the OP, there is no such thing as 'happily ever after' either.
         
         That's a fairytale ending to a real life situation, and guess what? It doesn't happen.
         
         Couples can get used to the 'farting,snoring,skidmarks' scenario, indeed, those issues may be the cause of many an argument, but I can count on one hand the number of happy marriages I've seen in my lifetime.
         
         And I'm a grandmother.

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            mistyhorizon2003posted 12 years agoin reply to this

            +1 to you too. The real world just isn't a fairy tale, and in cases like this the odds and circumstances are already stacked against the individual who has a wonderful (but unrealistic) vision of what an actual relationship with the object of their desire would be like. Far better to move on and look for a more suitably located partner to share their affections with (warts and all).

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   Rain Defenceposted 12 years ago

   I can't really add much other than what the other people have already said. Get yourself a local girl. Spending the day on skype for her birthday? That sounds like a fun day.... No wonder she didn't really want to do that.
   If you or her are prepared to move to each others country, then go for it. If you're not prepared to do that though, then just sack it off, or at least just treat it like an online friendship, rather than freaking out and worrying about insignificant things like who liked whoever's post.

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