Was a cheater.

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   CowardlyManposted 13 years ago

   I deserve no sympathy for what I've done not only to my wife but to my children. Contrary to what I've believed in the past there is NO excuse fig what occurred nor will I attempt to make one up. I am a vile person. The only real difference that I have is that I truly want to learn from this and be a better person for my wife and kids.
   Is there life after an affair? Many on these pages will say there isn't. I accept that but I, myself, will take the 1-in-a-million route and try to regain the trust of my wife and family. I know it's a long shot but will do what I can. I don't  expect her to forget or fully forgive me but I will take whatever she can give me and I will be ok with it.
   My wife found out on her own but to be truthful I helped. I was mentally done with the relationship because of these false beliefs that she was to blame. After a few months living on my own and to be truthful, being miserable,  I decided to put my stupid pride away and beg my wife back. I bought her 5 foot bears, flowers, cards for weeks. Somehow she let me back. But at that point I didn't realize I didn't "get it." I stayed and tried to buy her love. We spent 6 months doing things we never had done in seven years of marriage. I thought all was well but little did I realize she was slowly despising me as I began acting as if I wasn't grateful for her allowing me back. As she later told me "you were acting like things were fully fixed."
   So in a Thursday evening she told me to leave. I honestly knew this was over. The coldness in her voice was chilling. My heart sank to my knees. I begged her to please not do this. She would have none of it. I went in my hands and knees and asked her what harm would it be if she gave me an extra week to prove myself. She accepted.
   I was so happy I cried. The following day I wanted to point the searchlight on myself. For the first time I put myself in her shoes and I felt so stupid for how I thought and how I acted. I finally got it. It wasn't about all the things I bought her or all the things I did RIGHT but all the things I did WRONG. What I perceived as her faults were faults precipitated by my actions. She was responding to my vileness. Honestly I felt ashamed. Never have i allowed her to have a voice. Never to voice her opinions.
   I vowed to change that give her a voice.  So I took my week and made it a week about HER. Wow. What a concept. I could actually listen to her. Where before I thought she was going to attack me I learned that if I allowed her to complete her thought it was actually a valid idea. What a fool I was. All these wasted years of me stonewalling her. I also learned I could talk without screaming. That there is something called a quiet and calm voice. What an idiot I was and am.
   I know the percentages aren't on my side but let me say to anyone out there who wants to listen. DON'T cheat. The devastation you unleash on your family is incredible. The grass isn't greener and if it is it's because it's covered in manure.
   Secondly, I believe people can change.  I myself know what I feel and can't convince anyone because of my past but I WANT this badly. Over the course of the last 3 weeks it has been rough but I beg her every time she gets angry or sad. It's MY fault so I deal with it. Just grateful that I can be in the same home with the wife I married.

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      couturepopcafeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Good for you. IMO, people can change. See the movie with Kurt Cameron "Fireproof". You have done something and now you say you've changed your heart. Great. That doesn't mean there aren't consequences. Now, stop asking for forgiveness and don't expect anything from her, for now. Just live your life in the way you see yourself, as the perfect husband, whatever that may be. Don't expect her to acknowledge how wonderful you're being. Just do it. In a few years maybe, she'll start to believe it because it will be who you have become. Right now you're still a cheater who lives in the same house with her. Good luck with this. Believe it and it will happen. Don't give up.
      
      AND SEE "FIREPROOF"

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      calpol25posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Every one deserves a second a chance

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      CowardlyManposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      It is very hard for sure but I can accept that. My feelings weren't hurt. My trust wasn't betrayed. I just am only depressed that all my truthful and honest ways to show her how much I value her can disintegrate in an instant. Many times it's something that reminds her of the incident. To be truthful, it isn't her fault. It's all mine. Her feelings are valid due to my carelessness and disregard of her feelings.

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      TIMETRAVELER2posted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Frankly, I'm a person who doesn't think much of cheaters.  I would never let one back into my life because I would not be able to trust him again.  Given that, if Hillary forgave Bill, maybe in time your wife will forgive you.  Just the fact that she was willing to let you come back into the house is a good sign, so I hope you two can work this out.  Some people do, and it makes their marriages stronger. 
      
      I never have been able to understand why people would risk everything that is good in their lives by cheating.  I hope you've learned your lesson.

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         CowardlyManposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Timetraveller, stupidity is the answer. There is no excuse whatsoever. Any cheater who says there is one is a lying to his/her self. Not only that but doesn't honestly understand they were to blame and not their spouse.

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   Moms-Secretposted 13 years ago

   My Pastor is a funny, real person.  He said that the grass is at its greenest over the septic tank. 
   I have seen marriages come back very strong after this kind of situation.  It really depends on the 2 parties involved.  I think there has to be true regret and true forgiveness.  If even one is missing, it falls apart.
   
   Good luck.

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   AEvansposted 13 years ago

   It takes patience and understanding to bounce back in an adulterous relationship. Open communication is the key for success. With love all things are possible.

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      CowardlyManposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      All these words are encouraging but it really depends on how badly I hurt my wife. Like I told her, I was a huge tornado who's path destroyed her love and respect for me. I hope we can rebuild but I realize that if it ends now it was my fault. Irregardless of my new outlook.

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         AEvansposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         When a person loves, they can forgive. Hang in there and have plenty of faith. I would recommend counseling if you can afford it. Talking about it openly and do things special for her, which is important to a woman.

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