Christian Humour
- lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago
0There was this christian and he was christian
- That must have been a while ago iantoPF. So you misunderstood the Sunday School teacher. I guess when the Sunday School teacher said that girls who smoked had no morals she didn't mean that you could touch one of their erogenous zones. Sorry for laughing about her beating the snot outta you. Those tough little Welsh girls.
--------------------------------------
Brain Transplant
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains... because they've been used."
(The girl that posted this in the social network that I found it ended it by saying "Forgive me, I couldn't help myself!") - lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago0
This outta be funny
So, a Rabbi, a minister and a Priest walk into a brothel, stop me if you've heard this one.......
Good one Lionswhelp. I'll bump this thread up with another bit of humour so I can be part of the 8% too.
---------------------------------------------
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
---------------------------------------------
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil.- Good one.
"A cheerful heart is good medicine..." (Proverbs 17:22)
------------------------------------------
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No! Get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," the man says and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
------------------------------------------
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
* Better to be safe than.....punch a fifth grader.
* Strike while the...bug is close.
* It's always darkest before...daylight savings time.
* Never underestimate the power of......termites.
* Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.
* No news is.....impossible
* A miss is as good as a ......Mr.
* You can't teach an old dog new.....math
* If you lie down with dogs.....you stink in the morning
* Love all, trust.....me
* An idle mind is....the best way to relax
* Where there's smoke there's.....pollution
* Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents
* A penny saved is.....not much
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose
* Children should be seen and not...spanked or scolded
* If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries
* When the blind lead the blind.....get out of the way
------------------------------------------
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side). While facing the crowd he would put up his hands like claws and roar...So it went, step step, ROAR, step step ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the RING BEAR."
------------------------------------------
Letters received by the US Postal Service:
* Dear God, is it true that my father won't get in heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
* Dear God, who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
* Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
* Dear God, please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce
* Dear God, my brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Danny
* Dear God, I want to be just like daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam
* Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene.
------------------------------------------
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we RUN!"
------------------------------------------
A priest goes to visit the home of some parishioners. The children are home alone, but assure him that their parents will be home soon. As he waits, he notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and begins to eat them. He continues, and is embarrassed to realize that he ate the whole bowl. He apologized to the children. "That's o.k." they responded, "We only eat the chocolate covering".
------------------------------------------
All the scientists were talking about the sounds coming out of Beethoven's grave. They came from far and wide to listen, ear to the ground. Then they gathered in a conference room to compare notes. Finally, after a long conference, they all came to the same conclusion: Beethoven was decomposing.
------------------------------------------
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!" She raised herself up in bed with a pius look on her face and pointing out the window, she said, "Don't sell that cow!". I failed too.
--------------------------------
A blonde went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She asked the clerk for fifty Christmas stamps. The clerk asked, ‘What denomination?’ The blonde exclaimed ‘God help us, Has it come to this? Give me 7 Catholic, 12 Methodist, 9 Lutheran and 22 Baptist!’
--------------------------------
Closing sermon words
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."Very clever! I enjoyed this a lot.
This is so interesting to me, I have often wondered about the history of these words and their original meanings. I feel I am being entertained! Thank you!
- Deborah Sextonposted 15 years ago0
- Deborah Sextonposted 15 years ago0
- Marliza Gunterposted 15 years ago0
- SirDentposted 15 years ago0
Related Discussions
- 62
Why is the Pope getting involved in US Politics by sparring with Donald Trump?
Why is the Pope getting involved in US Politics by sparring with Donald Trump?Saying Trump isn't a Christian is a very decisive statement
- 19
The Pope from the Vatican
What is the role of the pope and how is he seen in terms of holiness and closeness to Jesus or God?
- 4
A Priest and the Taxi Driver
A Priest and the Taxi DriverA priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. "Come with me", said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could...
- 111
Which is the right Christian Church?
If I were to accept God and embrace Jesus, which of the many churches on offer should I join?The Roman Catholic Church is the original and longest lasting. It has a clear perspective but it has to be confessed quite a lot of clergy have not lived up to the pedestal they were put on. Frankly, they...
- 49
The Catholic church admit that it brought about sunday
The Catholic church admit that it brought about sunday worship not God, therefore you are worshipping this church when you worship on sunday, not God.Pope Gregory I "It has come to my ears that certain men of perverse spirit have sown among you some things that are wrong and opposed to the...
- 66
Pope Francis endorses gay marriages. Thoughts?
In recent news, Pope Francis has publicly endorsed same sex marriages, as he feels we are all children of god, and have a right to a family. Here's a link to know more: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics … r-BB1akiOhWhat are your thoughts on this?