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Funny Google Searches: Is There Any Way To Get Taller and Other Nonsense
Introduction to Weirdness
My goodness, it turn out quite a few people are happy that I resurrected this series, so here I am again! I can’t promise how much longer I’ll remain in this silly mood. My serious side could overwhelm the lunatic side any minute now and then I’ll be back to saving the world, so we better get this written while I’m still smiling and laughing.
You know the drill by now, right? I type a partial question into Google and then I see what the internet junkies are searching for; then I add my own sarcastic humor to the mix and we end up with articles like this one.
Today’s partial question is: Is there anyway…..?
Are you ready? Do you understand what we are doing? Great, then let’s get started!
Is There Anyway to Get Taller?
I don’t know how many of you are aware of this, but I’m a former teacher, and I have to tell you that this search question terrifies me. Where have we gone wrong in education? In order for this question to show up on Google, quite a few short people have to be asking this inane question. Hundreds of people, who could be related to you, believe that the internet has the answer for their vertical challenge.
How incredibly sad that is!
Sure there is a way to get taller: wear high heels!
What? You say you are a guy and you don’t think high heels are for you? Well how narrow-minded of you in today’s world. I have a very good friend….we’ll call him Tom….and he looks smashing in a pair of six-inch heels and a lovely evening dress. If it’s good enough for Tom then you sure as hell could give it a try. What are you, a homophobe who has something against fine fashion?
Is There Anyway to Stop Your Period?
Hopefully this isn’t Tom doing this search!
Yes….yes there is a way to stop your period….actually there are two ways, and neither one is particularly uplifting.
One, you could go out with Tom on a date, have too much to drink, and end up pregnant. That will put an end to those nagging periods for about nine months….or….you can wait until you are really, really old, and they will stop on their own. LOL I’m laughing right now because I have quite a few women friends who are in their late-fifties and no longer have periods, and they are sending me mental hate messages for the ‘real old’ comment.
I was just kidding ladies; please forgive me this once. I’m older than you so go ahead and take your best shot.
Is There Anyway to Make Your Period Start?
Who in the hell wants to start their period before it is absolutely necessary? I’m trying to imagine the upside to this plan. Granted, I’m not a woman, but I have known a few, and they all find periods to be a bit of a hassle on the best of days, so why would someone want to start theirs….unless….unless these are women who do not want to be pregnant, and they are regretting that date with Tom, and now they want to somehow induce a period so they can feel better about the future, a future that does not include Tom’s offspring.
Okay, that makes perfect sense. Let’s move on….oh, the answer to your question….I don’t have a clue!
Is There Anyway That I Can Stay in Your Arms?
Who are these people asking? Are they just randomly hoping there is a stranger out there who wants them in their arms?
Sure, baby, you can stay in my arms if you start using deodorant! I’m serious; you have some serious hygiene problems and I need to start standing upwind of you. I’m not big on wearing makeup but I insist that a woman, or man, wear deodorant. Call me old fashioned, but I hate it when my eyes start watering from the atrocious stink while on a date. Just sayin’.
Is There Anyway I Can Get This Popular Guy?
Oh my God! There are people actually searching for this answer, and one of them is Tom, and one of them is the girl who stinks!
Seriously, folks, the answer to this question is not on the internet, and quite frankly I find it pitiful that you are searching the internet for this answer. There were a lot of popular girls I couldn’t get; that’s just a fact of life. I had pimples, I was skinny, and I was a dork. What do you think the chances were of me going out on a date with the Homecoming Queen? Can you say “in your dreams?”
Is There Anyway to Change Your Eye Color?
Huh?
Yes, on second thought, there is: stop drinking so much! The red will go away, as will the puffiness around your eyes. Take it from me because I would know this one from experience.
For all of you do-gooders who are getting ready to comment that they have colored contacts….I know that, but where is the fun in that? Listen, and listen carefully: the reason you can’t get the popular guy is not because your eyes are brown, or blue, or green, or whatever. The reason you are stuck with guys like Tom is because you have the personality of a dried prune, and you still live at home even though you are thirty-eight years old. It has nothing to do with the color of your eyes.
Is There Anyway to Find a Cell Phone Number?
I don’t even know what this means? Anyone who can’t find their own cell phone number is not smart enough to have a cell phone. In fact, I think the satellite signals are scrambling their brains.
What number are you looking for? Just some random number? I’m so terribly confused right now.
Oh, wait, I know how to find a cell phone number! Go in the restroom at a gas station. There is a whole bunch of cell phone numbers on the wall. You know…call Jeannie for a great time at 1-800-IMALOSR!
Enough for Now
Seriously, writing these articles gives me a headache. I have serious concerns about the future of the world with these people roaming among us. Most of you are laughing right now, but if you stop and think about it, this is scary stuff.
Listen, have a great day! Say hi to Tom for me if you see him staggering down the sidewalk in his heels, and don’t try to hold onto that popular guy too tightly. They call that sexual harassment and you could find yourself in a jail cell where you will find some more cell phone numbers on the wall, all of which will lead you to some more questionable dates with people who don’t use deoderant, which could lead you to praying for your period.
2013 William Holland (aka billybuc)
Popular
Comments
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Spunkeys, one is already out. The next in about six months. Thanks for the visit.
: - D
So, when is your book coming out?
; - D
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Pink, they seem to keep getting stranger if that is possible. LOL Thank you!
Oh boy, there are some interesting questions being asked out there!!
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Well I'm glad you did, Monis!
Yes, Bill, when I have some time, I like to snoop in the older ones!
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Monis, you pulled out an oldie. I'm glad you like it and it is amazing what comes out of peoples' minds. Thanks for the visit.
Hahaha! It is hard to believe what comes to people's mind, isn't it???
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Phoenix....moderation???? I'll have to look that word up in the dictionary. LOL Thank you my friend and enjoy your Sunday.
I hope you do get hired. It will help even you out. Everything in moderation. Even saving the world. :) Best of luck.
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Thank you Phoenix! I am trying to get hired for a comedy blog. Five per week and it's really stretching me. I'm so used to doing social commentary that it is hard to crawl back into comedy mode.
Well you know what Edmund Gwenn said. 'Dying is Easy. Comedy is Hard.'
You'll be fine. Like anything else it takes practice, patience and a knack for seeing the humour in a given situation.
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byshea, I have heard of that happening. Interesting how such a small thing like good posture can make such a huge difference. Thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness.
Great hub and an eye catcher at that! I have to say that as a personal fitness trainer I had more than one client who grew because they developed good posture..... it wasn't their primary goal though thankfully.
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Mary, I'm blushing....seriously! LOL Thank you so much; it's not easy for me to switch genres. I'm applying for a writing job right now that is a comedy blog, and I'm having a hard time switching gears and making it funny. Some days are so much easier. :)
Well, I certainly don't have to tell you how popular this series is, you can see it for yourself....as for not being the writer you want to be, no you cannot be Ernest Hemingway (he's dead) but you certainly can be great! We know, because you are. You go from saving the world (as you put it) to knocking us out of the chair (lauging)...that my friend is a sign of genius...one genre to another without so much as a blink of an eye...forget the headache, its probably from too much laughing! And poor Tom, if you run into him tell him we're all thinking about him with a smile on our face.
Voted up, funny, awesome, interesting and shared.
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Doc.....LOL....that is so funny! Wouldn't you just love to meet the person who asked that? There are so many things I could write right now but most of them would be off-color and I don't want to ruin my image. :) Thanks for the laugh.
I thought this would make you laugh. This is another dumb question that people google. Can I have sex with my boyfriend while he's asleep? I can't believe someone would ask such a thing. Here is the link.
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Glimmer.....LOL...that was my first thought....why would a woman want to know how to do that? Sheez...the misery will come soon enough. :) Tell your husband hi for me, and thank you!
What woman looks up how to get their period to start?! Sheesh! My husband cracked up at that one. He said that he bets lots of men look up how to end it though. Funny hub over my morning cup of joe. Thanks.
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Pearl, we need to laugh. There are too many serious issues that can weigh us down; this series is as much for me as for anyone, so I don't take myself too seriously. :) thank you my friend; have a productive and enjoyable day.
Hey Billy! I'm just a little short on one end and flat-footed, could you give me a different way to get taller? Just wondering!! As soon as one of these titles come up, I am ready to laugh. It is very sad and scary, though. Humans are amazing creatures considering the depths to which they can sink, and the crazy ways their minds work! LOL
Laughter is the best medicine. Voted Up and FUNNY, my friend.
Pearl
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Deb....LOL...good line! Warped material??? Me???? LOL Yes indeed!
I love this warped material! Do keep it going, as it lightens things up so much, and gives a great laugh. Good thing that the birds don't have to think about searching the internet!
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Melissa, you crack me up! Take a break from saving the world! LOL I'm just trying to do my part my young friend; I am grateful to have a writing voice that people listen to....and I have always been grateful for a sense of humor. Where would I be now without the ability to laugh at life?
Thank you Melissa!
Oh, you were on fire when you wrote this! I love it when you take a break from saving the world and show us your sarcastic ironic sense of humor. This whole series is just so darn funny--scary but funny....Take care!
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Amy, I try not to think of the dark implications of these questions......sadly the internet has become reality for far too many people. It is the crystal ball for many now, the fortune teller, and the gypsy passing through town. It is the snake oil salesman, and it requires little thought. That, my friend, is a pretty good commentary on society.
You know how much I love having you visit, right?
love,
bill
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Phoenix, you are still right....Google does answer all....just not always accurately. :) Thank you my UK friend.
I'm fond of saying that Google answers all. That was before I realized, thanks to these installments, what people were asking. lol
Funny stuff(?), Bill. Keep 'em coming.
The fact that anyone would seriously ask anyone any of these questions makes me want to ask what planet they come from. Seriously, it's no wonder that the world is in a state of discombobulation that it is. I know the intent of your piece is humor, but that fact that these are real questions leaves me too mindblown to laugh. Reminds me of the SNL spoof called "Really?" Your piece has expanded my horizons, Bill, but it's lookin' pretty cloudy. LOL Thanks for telling me how the other 1/2 lives. On the other hand, maybe it's simply a case of "Hope springs eternal?"
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Qudsia, it feels good to make people laugh. I'm so glad you enjoyed my silliness. Thank you!
LOL! Billy oh dear I nearly teared up laughing! My oh my, indeed sometimes it is almost frightening how the suggestions box in google will attempt to complete your question at times showing terribly bizarre things!
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LOL....that's my problem with these searches, Kathryn! In my wildest dreams I would not ask a computer to solve my vertical deficiencies.
Thank you for another visit and welcome to HubPages! If I can be of any help to you, feel free to drop me a note with any questions you might have.
Wow, you have a really good sense of humor! It is funny, but at the same time it is disturbing that people would ask such questions, or that they would ask Google. I use Google for many things, but I don't expect it to give me a miraculous answer that goes against the laws of science!
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Ruby, I'm still waiting for someone to discover me and shower me with riches. Oh, wait, Bev discovered me and showered me with love. I guess I'll take that as a substitute. :)
Thank you Ruby; I'm so glad you enjoy this nonsense of mine.
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Paula....the truth....this kind of stuff is what I grew up with....the smart ass one-liners that just went non-stop in high school and college Don Rickles was a god to me. LOL Too bad I can't make any money like he made.
But I can provide you with a laugh so that's not a bad second choice, right?
Thanks Paula; enjoy your Sunday!
OMG! You crack me up. You would be a great skit writer. Bill Maher on HBO'S Real time would pay you BIG bucks. Oh I forgot you don't watch TV. I hope you write more Google searches. I love them...
OH! My belly laugh for the month!...and this time, I didn't have to make a special request. But if I had, it would have been for one just as hilarious as this one! Please don't ever give up your google searches. It looks like we all can't wait until bil's google hub shows up on our feed.
We must all be "laugh-starved.."....poor pitiful group of starving artists that we are!! LOL...........UP++
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moonfairy, thank you, and you are very welcome for the laugh. As for the people who do these searches...I keep hoping I don't know any of them. LOL
LOL! It amazes me that people actually do these searches.....makes you wonder how they make it through a day.....thanks for the laugh!
You're too kind. thanks:)
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Doc, I do indeed! :) You are welcome my friend!
You think? Lol. thanks:)
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Doc, you are the prettiest and most intelligent dork I know, then! You can hang with me any old time. :) Thank you!
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Laurinzo, thankfully I am adopted, so I can distance myself from my crazy relatives. :)
Thank you my friend!
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Austin, it sounds to me like you are living the good life. LOL Yes indeed, people are funny! Thanks for the visit.
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Sha, I love it! Thanks for sharing it with me.
Billy, I read this hub last night. These searches are very funny! I still live at home with my parents. Maybe I'm a dork. LOL.
Bill my friend... I voted this one interesting, funny, and usefull because it is all three...
It is a sad but true fact that this people are our friends and neighbors... and even family at times... maybe distant cousins??? lol
Hey, I am now 'really old', but what tha hay? I love it. I don't have to get dressed every day, I don't have to wear deodorant and I could care less about getting taller. People are funny, aren't they?
It's one of my favorite sayings, Bill. I use it when I'd rather not cuss!
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Lordy Goshen? Sha, that was funnier than the Hub! LOL
Thanx for the giggles. Sheesh, what idiots are lurking out in the land of seaches! Lordy Goshen......
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Oh Linda, i think if we have some spare time we can find a few things not to love about me. LOL I just keep those things well-hidden. :) Thank you kind lady. I'm glad you enjoy this series and my sarcastic wit.
bill
Okay my friend, I am a confessed junkie when it comes to this series of yours. They make me feel "normal". I don't want to be taller, I don't want my period to start, and they've already stopped on their own and I never questioned or regretted that. I know my cell phone number and if I don't have someone else's, I don't see the need to call them. Many days I feel like an alien in this world and then you write a hub and my world feels perfectly healthy again. What's not to love about you?
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Beckie, God bless your Mom! LOL If you like my humorous side then you'll be pleased with my novel, which will be in the mail today. Look for it late next week. :)
love,
billy
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Jim.....LOL....great line! You may be right! Thanks buddy!
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PoeticVine, this is the humor I grew up with. We watched comedians like Don Rickles, firing one-liners time after time, a stream of hilarious consciousness.....I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness. Thank you!
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Sasha, you can be serious on my site if you want. I'm just glad to see you back with us. :) Thank you!
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Martin, it was worth the pain. :) Thank you!
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Jackie....LOL....hoot and a holler'....my grandparents used to say that and I had no idea what they meant...still don't.
Thank you kind lady; I will be by to visit your new hub shortly.
LOL!!! Personality of a dried prune!!!! Hilarious! Your friend Tom sounds like he might have a few things in common with my Uncle Phil, red-eye and all!
When I was young I asked Mom what a period was...Her answer "It's a dot at the end of a sentence."
Great hub and I am particularly partial to your humorous side!!!!
Love, Beckie XO
Dude, kick of those damned heels and soak your feet. I think they must be cutting off circulation to your head!
This was the perfect thing for me to read before bed. Thank you! I appreciate so much here: the quick-funny pace, the engaging style, the buildup to the *perfect* last paragraph... You've got my vote! :)
Oh yes! I too love this series. But.. I have to say that there are certain birth control methods that will stop your period for various lengths of time. Also... for those who are too underweight, overweight, anemic, or some other health problems... your period can stop and it can be very stressing to think that you may never have a baby unless you can get them to start up again. Although I think I'm being to serious for your silly hub ^_^ Voting a bunch and sharing!
Thank you for bearing a head ache to bring us this.
This was unexpected and a hoot. Hm...what is a hoot? Maybe I better not say that. lol Great laughs. Crazy world.
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LOL...thanks, Nell! So glad you enjoyed it. Just giving some tips to those out there who are sadly in need of my help.
Lol! oh thanks so much for the laugh! can't stop giggling now! smelly armpits, get drunk to get red eyes, and try to be taller! oh my sides! thanks billy, made my night!
Just noticed the comment above, yes Graham Norton is hysterically funny! lol!
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Crystal......LOL....dead Pakistani? Oh my God that's funny! I have to watch that show!
Thank you; as long as people enjoy this then I'll keep writing it.
Have a great weekend!
Love this series and glad it has been revived. I stumbled upon a talk show in that airs in Britain on YouTube...Graham Norton is the host. He was doing a similar Google search on the show, typed in "Why is.." and one of the top results was "Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?" Seriously! Very entertaining...keep it up please. Your headache leads to my bellyache... from laughing
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Sarah....LOL...great line! Thank you for the laugh!
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dwachira, it's always good to make people laugh. So glad you enjoyed this! Have a wonderful weekend in Kenya my friend.
If there is a way to make me taller I'd like to know the answer for it!
Hi Bill,
I don't want to imagine babies are now searching on the web for the means and ways to stay on their moms arms lol! Still laughing...
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LOL....thank you Carol! I'll never be the writer I want to be, but it is nice to receive that kind of acknowledgement.
What a good laugh..and I know it is all rather pathetic...But still pretty funny. I love your ending paragraph..You know Bill you really are a superior writer..Can I write a book? That is a good question for the next group.
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Kelly, sometimes I just have to pull out the silliness and let us all have a laugh. Thanks for dropping what you were doing to spend some time with me.
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Janine, if I gave you a much-needed laugh then my job as a writer is done for the day. :) Thank you my friend!
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Linda, a hoot and a holler'...I haven't heard that in decades. Thanks for the laugh. I hope you do post one of those questions. Thank you!
Along with my granddaughter we like playing with Google Voice on my iPhone and asking really silly questions, one day you just might post one of my questions and I'm going to fall outta my chair...or fall down if I'm standing. Your answers were a hoot, the questions were holler!
You know how much I love these articles on these silly searches. Just gets me to laugh so and appreciate that, because it has been a busy day, so I truly needed a good laugh. Voted way up and shared, too. Happy weekend once again!!
Bill even if I'm just checking my email and I see one of these titles - I stop what I'm doing so I can read it. I know I'm going to laugh which will release those happy endorphins and it makes me feel better, and everyone else around me! Thanks!
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