Funny Google Searches: Is There Any Way To Get Taller and Other Nonsense

My goodness, it turn out quite a few people are happy that I resurrected this series, so here I am again! I can’t promise how much longer I’ll remain in this silly mood. My serious side could overwhelm the lunatic side any minute now and then I’ll be back to saving the world, so we better get this written while I’m still smiling and laughing.

You know the drill by now, right? I type a partial question into Google and then I see what the internet junkies are searching for; then I add my own sarcastic humor to the mix and we end up with articles like this one.

Today’s partial question is: Is there anyway…..?

Are you ready? Do you understand what we are doing? Great, then let’s get started!

I don’t know how many of you are aware of this, but I’m a former teacher, and I have to tell you that this search question terrifies me. Where have we gone wrong in education? In order for this question to show up on Google, quite a few short people have to be asking this inane question. Hundreds of people, who could be related to you, believe that the internet has the answer for their vertical challenge.

How incredibly sad that is!

Sure there is a way to get taller: wear high heels!

What? You say you are a guy and you don’t think high heels are for you? Well how narrow-minded of you in today’s world. I have a very good friend….we’ll call him Tom….and he looks smashing in a pair of six-inch heels and a lovely evening dress. If it’s good enough for Tom then you sure as hell could give it a try. What are you, a homophobe who has something against fine fashion?

Hopefully this isn’t Tom doing this search!

Yes….yes there is a way to stop your period….actually there are two ways, and neither one is particularly uplifting.

One, you could go out with Tom on a date, have too much to drink, and end up pregnant. That will put an end to those nagging periods for about nine months….or….you can wait until you are really, really old, and they will stop on their own. LOL I’m laughing right now because I have quite a few women friends who are in their late-fifties and no longer have periods, and they are sending me mental hate messages for the ‘real old’ comment.

I was just kidding ladies; please forgive me this once. I’m older than you so go ahead and take your best shot.

Who in the hell wants to start their period before it is absolutely necessary? I’m trying to imagine the upside to this plan. Granted, I’m not a woman, but I have known a few, and they all find periods to be a bit of a hassle on the best of days, so why would someone want to start theirs….unless….unless these are women who do not want to be pregnant, and they are regretting that date with Tom, and now they want to somehow induce a period so they can feel better about the future, a future that does not include Tom’s offspring.

Okay, that makes perfect sense. Let’s move on….oh, the answer to your question….I don’t have a clue!

Who are these people asking? Are they just randomly hoping there is a stranger out there who wants them in their arms?

Sure, baby, you can stay in my arms if you start using deodorant! I’m serious; you have some serious hygiene problems and I need to start standing upwind of you. I’m not big on wearing makeup but I insist that a woman, or man, wear deodorant. Call me old fashioned, but I hate it when my eyes start watering from the atrocious stink while on a date. Just sayin’.

Oh my God! There are people actually searching for this answer, and one of them is Tom, and one of them is the girl who stinks!

Seriously, folks, the answer to this question is not on the internet, and quite frankly I find it pitiful that you are searching the internet for this answer. There were a lot of popular girls I couldn’t get; that’s just a fact of life. I had pimples, I was skinny, and I was a dork. What do you think the chances were of me going out on a date with the Homecoming Queen? Can you say “in your dreams?”

Huh?

Yes, on second thought, there is: stop drinking so much! The red will go away, as will the puffiness around your eyes. Take it from me because I would know this one from experience.

For all of you do-gooders who are getting ready to comment that they have colored contacts….I know that, but where is the fun in that? Listen, and listen carefully: the reason you can’t get the popular guy is not because your eyes are brown, or blue, or green, or whatever. The reason you are stuck with guys like Tom is because you have the personality of a dried prune, and you still live at home even though you are thirty-eight years old. It has nothing to do with the color of your eyes.

I don’t even know what this means? Anyone who can’t find their own cell phone number is not smart enough to have a cell phone. In fact, I think the satellite signals are scrambling their brains.

What number are you looking for? Just some random number? I’m so terribly confused right now.

Oh, wait, I know how to find a cell phone number! Go in the restroom at a gas station. There is a whole bunch of cell phone numbers on the wall. You know…call Jeannie for a great time at 1-800-IMALOSR!

Seriously, writing these articles gives me a headache. I have serious concerns about the future of the world with these people roaming among us. Most of you are laughing right now, but if you stop and think about it, this is scary stuff.

Listen, have a great day! Say hi to Tom for me if you see him staggering down the sidewalk in his heels, and don’t try to hold onto that popular guy too tightly. They call that sexual harassment and you could find yourself in a jail cell where you will find some more cell phone numbers on the wall, all of which will lead you to some more questionable dates with people who don’t use deoderant, which could lead you to praying for your period.

2013 William Holland (aka billybuc)