Top Google Search With Humor: How Can I Get Taller and Other Nonsense.

I have been writing about some seriously tough issues of late, so it’s time to turn to humor to provide some healing. All through my life, humor has been my saving grace, that which I turn to when the walls are closing in and my head feels like it might explode. Since that would be very messy, I prefer to laugh rather than clean up gray matter. J

So, if you have no idea what this series is, allow me to explain. I type into the search engine a partial question, and then I jot down what my fellow internet junkies are searching for. After that, I add my own brand of sarcastic humor and hopefully, after that, you end up laughing so hard your ribs hurt.

Today’s question is…..how can I? What follows, then, are the results of that partial search, and my own ridiculously shallow and infantile humor.

This was never a problem during the Roman Empire. Those who wanted to be taller simply requested a session on the rack! History tells us that they gained two or three inches in height before their shoulders popped out of their sockets and life ceased to exist.

Oh, I’m sorry, you wanted a serious answer? Well I’m here to tell you that you will never be taller. You will always be a 5’2” guy with Little Man’s Syndrome and you will always be mad at the world because of it.

Seriously, how can you be taller???? Like there is some magic pill that helps us gain inches? Get a grip on reality, Shorty; it ain’t going to happen, but once you get to be my age you will become shorter….in many ways.

Get a GPS unit or a guide dog; either one is effective!

Maybe they meant how can they find someone for a relationship? Well, I know a guy who is a bit short but seems like an alright sort of guy. If you aren’t taller than his 5’2” he would probably be interested in meeting you.

Or you can do what the rest of us do and join Match.com and embarrass yourself and meet tons of losers, or you can advertise on Facebook like Tina from Cebu, Philippines, or you can drive down to the Mustang Ranch in Las Vegas and for $100 you can have a meaningful relationship for one hour.

Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is to get a job at the Mustang Ranch!

Now, if you are a guy, you can invent a potion that helps Shorty and guys like him to grow taller.

Or, you can just get any old job and be miserable like 90% of the world’s population. You will make some money but after you pay your bills and your rent and buy food you won’t have any money for two more weeks, at which point the cycle starts all over again.

This will continue until you are 72 at which point you can draw Social Security for four years and then die!

Have a good life!

It should be much easier to lose weight now that Hostess is going out of business. That diet you devised where you eat twenty Twinkees and drink eight glasses of water was destined to fail.

Seriously, how can you lose weight? Get off of the couch, Sluggo, and put one foot in front of the other; keep doing that until your pants slide down over your hips to the floor. Problem solved!

Simple! Have your boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, or wife put duct tape over your mouth!

I’ m sorry, am I missing something here? How can they keep from singing? That is not something that happens by accident, right? I mean, we don’t suddenly just start signing without wanting to, right? If we did, we’d have a lot of people singing “Twist and Shout” while in the library, or in an elevator, or the public bathroom, or in church during funerals. How can you keep from singing? Try shutting your mouth and keeping it shut you blithering, barely-functioning simpleton!

The best way I know is to sign a baseball contract with the Seattle Mariners. That team is filled with hackers who couldn’t hit a pitch if it was served on a platter.

Oh, I’m sorry, you meant a computer hacker? How silly of me! Well no problem! I’ll introduce you to my cousin Duane. He’s currently doing 2-5 years at Folsom Prison, but when he gets out he’ll be glad to teach you how to be a hacker. Duane is 5’2” and he’s been hacking into the accounts of tall people for years. He has anger-management issues but still, he can probably give you some tips. Hey, maybe you can teach Duane how to be taller in exchange for some hacking skills.

Are there really people who don’t know how to do this? And after they find out they then vote? God have mercy on us all!

The simple way to handle this problem is to wait for the next Presidential election. Just sit by the phone and on any given evening you can count on twenty calls from strangers asking if you have registered yet. Or, and this might be a better idea, you can move to Florida, where once they teach you how to register you can vote five or six times for every election. Pretty cool, huh?

Again, I refer you to my cousin Duane! He can delete your account, give you a new identity (complete with new I.D. from Florida), and then help you to go underground and become a member of the Short Man’s Society, where you will stand tall among your peers.

I’m sorry, that was a cheap blow and I feel horrible.

On second thought, I don’t feel horrible at all.

One word of caution: obviously Duane is not very talented in his chosen field, so you might want to skip the whole Duane idea and just surf Facebook and eat Twinkees until the weight police come and haul your butt to the slammer. There you will be fed a steady diet of sprouts and tofu until you are singing for mercy and dreaming of a job at the Mustang Ranch as a bronc-trainer.

Will I get banned for that last sentence? Let’s find out, shall we?

As you go about your business today, look closely at the people you pass on the street. Shifty eyes? Twinkee filling on their lips? 5’2” tall? If you see all three characteristics in one person, say hi to my cousin Duane, and then run like hell in the opposite direction!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)