- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing
Is It Wrong To Have An Affair and Other Nonsense
I’m not sure what it says about my personality that I can write an article about Ted Bundy and then turn right around and write silliness like this but I’m enjoying myself so we’ll leave the analysis to the psyche doctors.
It’s time for another installment of “Funny Google Searches” with me, billybuc, as your tour guide through the dark caverns of the internet. If you are unfamiliar with this series then allow me to explain. I choose a random question to type into the search engines….an incomplete question if you will…and then I see what my fellow internet junkies are searching for. The answers are sometimes hilarious. The answers are sometimes frightening. The answers are never disappointing!
Without further delay let us begin; today’s question is, “Is it wrong to….?”
Oh, yes, if you don’t mind I’m going to sprinkle a little of my down-home humor throughout this article. If you are turned off by sarcasm I strongly urge you to read no more.
IS IT WRONG TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS?
Well, if your name is Abdul and you live in Iran I would suggest that you pick another holiday to celebrate. If your name is LeChing and you live in China you might want to pick another holiday to celebrate. It is not only wrong to celebrate Christmas there but it might literally cost you a head.
Come to think of it, in the good old U S of A it has become much more PC to celebrate Winter Holiday or the Birth of the Snow King rather than Christmas, so I guess you aren’t safe no matter where you are. Say Christmas in a public school and you are liable to be suspended and for God’s sake don’t wear a Merry Christmas sweatshirt to a School Board meeting. The School Board members might beat you over the head with this year’s budget and that would cause some serious damage.
IS IT WRONG TO HAVE AN AFFAIR?
Let me see if I understand this question….you are married; you have taken a vow of fidelity for life; and you want to know if it’s okay if you break that vow? Am I missing something? Is there a gray area here that I am glossing over? Who the hell asks these questions? How could it be okay to have an affair?
Do you want to know what is really wrong? Having an affair at Christmastime! No presents for you, bucko! In fact, you could easily be opening your presents at the Salvation Army! That’s what you get for opening the Forbidden Present!
IS IT WRONG TO DRINK?
Having a glass of wine during dinner is not wrong. Having a glass or wine after dinner is not wrong. Having a glass of wine before bed is not wrong. Having wine on an IV drip like I did is wrong!
Of course, if you just got caught having an affair then everyone expects you to drink and drink often. The same could be said about drinking at Christmastime. Everybody does it, unless you are in China and then all bets are off. Sounds like an old joke: what’s worse than celebrating Christmas in China? Celebrating Christmas in China while falling-down drunk with your mistress who happens to be the daughter of the Chairman of the Communist Party!
IS IT WRONG TO GAMBLE?
It seems to me if you are having an affair in China during Christmas that you are quite accustomed to gambling and yes, that would be wrong. Is it wrong to gamble? Is Bingo gambling? If so we have about 500 million Catholics that should be behind bars. Bars as in jail, not bars as in taverns.
Why would someone type this question into the search engine? I can picture some little old lady who just bought a Lottery ticket and now she’s afraid she is going to hell so she frantically searches Google for the answer to her salvation. Or some kid raised in a Fundamentalist household who bet his lunch money that he could ace his next math test. What if he got a “C” on the test AND went to hell for gambling? That would qualify as a bad day in my book.
IS IT WRONG TO PRAY FOR MONEY?
If you want the money for gambling then yes, that is wrong. However, if you want the money to get the heck out of China on December 24th then I don’t think it is wrong to pray for that.
If it’s wrong to pray for money then about half the world is in deep doo doo right now. About the only ones not praying for money are the major corporations and banks and everyone else is praying to them, not God!
IS IT WRONG TO MASTER BATE?
I swear to the Almighty that this came up on the search! This concerns me on so many levels. Not only are there a ton of sexually-frustrated internet users out there but they also don’t know how to spell. What does this say about our education system? Isn’t this word included on the spelling bees? The only reason I have hope is that these searches might be originating from China and then it is understandable. People who can’t celebrate Christmas and can’t gamble have to do something with their spare time.
There is no way these searches are coming from the United States. 99% of us have been jacked around for years by the remaining 1% so we are quite accustomed to this word by now.
And who the heck is Master Bate? Anyone? Anyone? Ferris Bueller?
IS IT WRONG TO QUESTION GOD
Well, it depends on your future plans! If you have an overwhelming desire to spend eternity in a place that is hotter than my Aunt Martha’s tamale pie then by all means, question God! If, on the other hand, you like your vacation spots a little on the moderate side, then I would suggest you keep your questions to yourself and quit playing with your……well, you know! I would also suggest that you quit drinking, gambling, having affairs and calling Christmas the Winter Holiday. God has a pretty good sense of humor but even He has his limits.
THAT’S ALL FOR THIS WEEK!
Actually, I have one more question to add to this batch. Is it wrong to be stupid? Well, if it were we would need a prison the size of Oklahoma. That won’t work! Maybe we could charge a Stupid Tax each and every time someone does one of these searches. It seems to me the national debt would be erased in a matter of days. I happen to know who would owe the most money if such a tax were enacted: The U.S. Congress!
God bless Las Vegas and Merry Christmas to all!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)