Truly Silly, and Hilarious, Google Searches

My apologies! It has been over a year since I wrote an article in this nonsensical series, and truthfully it might have been another year if my good friend Lizzy hadn’t reminded me and made a request. So you have Lizzy to thank for this….or blame for this….depending on how receptive you are to this satirical look at our fellow travelers of the online world.

For those who have no idea what this series is about, allow me a brief explanation.

Almost two years ago I was doing a Google search for an article I was writing about DIY car repair. The first words I typed into Google were…..”How do you” and I was blown away by the choices that appeared on the screen….choices like “How do you tie a tie?” and “How do you boil an egg?” This, of course, led me to ask myself whether there were a great many bored people on the internet, or a great many people who had no clue about basic life skills. One of my favorite searches that I found was “How do you make chloroform?”…..yes, that search both mystified and terrified me.

At that point I could become very, very concerned about the state of mankind, or I could turn my nasty side loose and have some fun. I chose to have fun, and I choose to have fun today with a whole new series of responses to the question, “How do you?”

The search questions are real. The answers are a glimpse into my dark side.

I hope you enjoy the journey.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A GUY LIKES YOU?

I’m more than happy to throw my hat into the ring on this one. I think I speak from experience. Last time I checked I was a guy, and I’ve liked women before, so hey, I’m qualified….right?

How do you know if a guy likes you? He will start acting like a complete idiot. Trust me, I know. If a guy likes you, all pretense of cool goes right out the window. He reverts back to middle school days. He’ll trip when he’s in your vicinity. He will suddenly forget the English language and start speaking in tongues, and if the frustration reaches the crazy level, he will wet himself.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE IN LOVE?

First of all, who in their right mind would check the internet for the answer to this question? Everyone knows that if you want to know the answer to this question, you simply watch “Ellen.”

Okay, so you don’t have a television. Now what? Well, just refer to the previous answer and then multiply times ten. In other words, you spend a great deal of your time changing your underwear and questioning your sanity.

HOW DO YOU GET PINK EYE?

Please note that the question is not “what do you do if you get pink eye?” That would be logical, right? But this question is how do you get it, like there are millions out there wondering what they should do so they can contract this disease. I’m picturing a bunch of adolescents out there daydreaming about their futures, and thinking it might be cool if they can add “pink eye” to their personal resumes.

Okay, okay, I’m being silly now. Let me answer the question so we can move on. How do you get pink eye? You rub your eye with a pink finger! Simple!

And for the love of God, don’t approach that guy you are falling in love with when your eye is pink.

HOW DO YOU GET RINGWORM?

The same people trying to get pink eye are also eager to have ringworm. Do you know any of these people? Are they your neighbors? Are they your family? If so, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Does anyone remember the comedy bit Johnny Carson used to do on the Tonight Show, “The Amazing Carnac?” Am I the only one old enough to remember that? This question reminds me of that. And the answer is…..ringworm! And what is the question? What do you get when you take a straight worm and curve it into a ring shape and slip it on your finger?

Simple!

HOW DO YOU GET SCABIES?

This might be a bit racy for some of you, so forgive me for the sensitive subject.

If you take a mother sca, and she makes love to a father sca, what you get nine months later is a scaby….and if you took fertility drugs you just might get scabies!

Please, don’t throw things at me. I know it’s corny but what do you want for free?

Here’s a better question? How do you get pink eye, scabies, and ringworm all at the same time?

Hang around a college dorm during spring break!

HOW DO YOU SAY IN SPANISH?

I’m not joking. That really is the search question. How do you say what in Spanish? Do they just assume that Google can read their minds?

For those who actually did that search, nothing I say here will help you. You are beyond help in any language. How do you say “hopeless” in Spanish? How do you say it in French? How do you say it in Italian?

Instead of doing stupid Google searches, why don’t you head over to the nearest college dorm and roll around in a pile of ringworms for entertainment? Maybe you’ll meet a girl with pink eye and you can marry and have a bunch of pink scabies.

HOW DO YOU SPELL A WORD?

Yes, you read that correctly. This question does not ask how to spell a particular word…..thousands just want to know how to spell any old word. I honestly don’t know what to say to this one. Remember, to make it to the top of the Google search list, there has to be hundreds of thousands out there, right now, doing these searches. So that means there are hundreds of thousands of people wondering how to spell any old word.

Again, I don’t know what to say.

If you ever wondered how bad our public school system is, this search question should answer that question. This is a perfect example of your tax dollars at work.

Here’s how stupid that question is: in order to type in the question, six words had to be correctly spelled. Are you with me?

Please, no matter where you live, the next time a school bond is on your voting ballot, don’t vote for it. It is a complete waste of time. Anyone who doesn’t know how to spell a word needs to be working at Walmart, and their names should be posted somewhere where we can see them, and then we can take that list of names and sit down with our children and beg them to PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T MARRY ANY OF THESE PEOPLE!

Seriously, there are more, but if I discuss these any longer I’m going to be depressed, and depression leads to the desire to catch scabies, and that leads to divorce and lawyers and division of property, and of course that leads to working at Walmart and being publicly chastised and, well, I’d rather avoid that whole scene.

So I’ll just say thanks for joining me and I hope you enjoyed the return to the Land of Silly.

P.S. I know, folks, that there are logical explanations for these questions....but where is the fun in logic?

2014 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)