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Top Google Search With Humor: When Do Your Ears Stop Growing and Other Nonsense

Updated on November 26, 2012
On the look out for moose
On the look out for moose | Source
On the lookout for a sane person.
On the lookout for a sane person. | Source
Bethel, Alaska, home of Bert the cross-dressing moose caller.
Bethel, Alaska, home of Bert the cross-dressing moose caller. | Source
The famous collector of knick knacks, TT herself.
The famous collector of knick knacks, TT herself. | Source

Here we go again! From the title of this article you should be able to tell that we are about to enter the realm of the ridiculous, a bumpy ride through the collective psyche of internet users. I will warn you right now that this article should not be read by anyone suffering from Terminal Humor Deprivation! If you take life too seriously then move on to something a bit more to your liking and skip right over this silliness. We don’t want you breaking out in a smile when you have your heart set on being grumpy. Heaven forbid that should happen! This of course means that I will be losing most of the states of Alaska and Montana, otherwise known as the states that TToombs made famous….or is that infamous?

Where hasn’t TT lived? If you look at her profile http://ttoombs08.hubpages.com/ you will see that she was born in Arkansas, lived in Alaska and North Dakota and is presently in Montana, but I happen to know that she has lived in several more states along the way including Florida. Rumor has it she was asked to leave North Dakota because she had a personality, and as we all know, that just will not do in North Dakota. I do know for a fact she was detained by the local police in Alaska for making an obscene moose call. Maybe that’s how she met her husband? I’ll have to ask her next time we chat.

But I digress! Our job today is to visit the sick and twisted in Internet Land and that’s exactly what we are going to do. Without further delay our question for the day is: when do your…..? Let’s find out what I came up with when I typed in that search question.

WHEN DO YOUR MUSCLES GROW?

Well, if your name is Woody Allen the answer is never! If your name is Arnold the answer is as soon as you start taking steroids. Your muscles will grow immediately but other parts of your anatomy may actually shrink.

You don’t suppose these people are so illiterate that they meant mussels, do you? Remember, these are probably the same people who searched Master Bate from an earlier entry in this series, so all bets are off with the muscle subject. Hey, I wonder if Master Bate had muscles?

Chances are excellent that I’m going to get in trouble for that last line. We better be moving on!

WHEN DO YOUR PERIOD START?

I’m not making this up; it was entered in the search engine exactly like that! Let’s see….if your name is Bert and you live in Bethel, Alaska, there is an excellent chance yours will never start, no matter how many times you like to put on a dress.

It has been my experience that you shouldn’t worry so much about when the period starts; the big source of worry is if your period stops suddenly. If this happens it means that your boy friend should have continued his relationship with Master Bate and left you out of the equation.

TT, don’t just stand there talking to a moose; help me out with this one!

WHEN DO YOUR TEETH STOP GROWING?

Okay, I’ll start with a serious answer…..never mind, that’s no fun! If you take the book “Twilight” a bit too seriously and you live in Forks, Washington, then your teeth may never stop growing AND they might start getting rather sharp!

Wouldn’t it be funny if some of the people doing this search have dentures?

I wonder if steroids affect teeth growth? I wonder if Master Bate grinds his teeth? So many questions and so little time to answer! Sigh!

WHEN DO YOUR BALLS DROP?

No, I’m not making it up! Please, don’t write a comment and give the correct answer. Where is the fun in that? Okay, in my own sick style, your balls may actually shrink if you keep taking those steroid pills. I can also tell you that if you don’t wear a cup while playing a contact sport then one day you are going to take a hit and your balls will grow to an enormous size.

But drop? Like fall off? Wouldn’t that be a story to tell your grandkids? Hey little Jimmy, when I was twenty-nine the damndest thing happened….one day I was washing the car and my balls dropped right on the ground.

TT??? Any answers from Montana? Do you want to know how clueless I am? When I first read this question I thought it was a question about Bingo!

WHEN DO YOUR BREAST FORM MILK?

??????? I’m not even sure what that sentence means other than the fact that the one asking is illiterate.

Hey, you don’t suppose this is from Bert in Alaska again? I mean that guy has some serious issues! He parades around Bethel in a dress, massages his breasts and makes moose calls which are answered by TT while she re-arranges her state magnets on her refrigerator.

You don’t suppose Woody Allen knows Master Bate, do you?

WHEN DO YOUR EARS STOP GROWING?

I am picturing in my mind some poor teenager with Dumbo-sized ears standing in front of the mirror with a yardstick measuring his appendages. What are the chances that kid will ever get a date? Actually pretty good if he lives in Alaska; maybe I should give him Bert’s phone number.

What was it my mother used to tell me: If you don’t stop playing with that thing you’ll go blind? Maybe she was wrong and if you don’t stop playing with that thing your ears will become enormous! WAIT A MINUTE! I’ll bet that kid is the real Master Bate!

You have to ask yourself right about now how long you think this article will remain published before it is flagged, flogged and tossed out in the HubPages garbage pile?

WHEN DO YOUR FEET STOP GROWING?

Oh for the love of God, what is it with these growing questions? Your feet will stop growing when you die! There, are you happy?

UNLESS……your name is Bert and you are a cross-dressing moose trainer from Bethel, Alaska who uses steroids and reads “Twilight.” If that’s you then excess foot growth is the least of your problems.

I’M HEADING TO THE STORE; MORE LATER

I have some shopping to do. TT asked me to pick up a shot glass with the Washington State emblem on it and send it to her in Montana. Yes, she has a collection of those, too! Her friends call her Knick-Knack so feel free to do so on her hubs when you comment. You can also learn all about her on her website…go to http://www.moosecall.com and find out about life in her neck of the woods.

Until next time, may the Good Lord keep your ears and feet from growing and may your balls always stay attached.

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

For more funny Google articles read the following:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-What-Happens-If-You-Swallow-Gum-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-To-Cheat-And-Other-Nonsense

To purchase my Kindle books go to:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&search-alias=digital-text&field-author=William%20D.%20Holland

What is your favorite knick knack collectible?

See results

Home of Bert and sometimes TT

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    • internpete profile image

      Peter V 5 years ago from At the Beach in Florida

      Funny. It is amazing what think/ will try to Google. Nice hub!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Internpete, thank you! I enjoy writing these hubs.

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      LOL @ Bill:

      Periods - I'm not sure what English class they attended, but Periods never start, they only end...a sentence. How else do you move on to the next sentence. Without a period, it would just be one on-going sentence, with no end in sight and a very confused society, maybe that's what's wrong with the world, the period decided to change careers and began starting instead of ending!

      Ball Dropping: Well, a colt usually drops around 18 to 24 months (the tell tale sign is when they start jumping fences to saunter over to the young fillies and strut their bad selves) and bulls tend to drop a little after weaning, about the time their momma is ready to throw them out of the pen for their teenage attitudes. Now, your average cowboy drops every time he gets out of the saddle - you wouldn't want them hanging out of his chaps, now would ya? :)

      Knick Knacks: Do my knick knacks stop growing if I put them in a drawer and refuse to take them out and play with them? :)

      Excellent humor, billythebuc, I know Bert and he's very interested in coming down to visit you, so I gave him your address and your schedule. He'll be the guy with the big ears, wearing his sunday best and massaging his breasts while sharing moose calls with Master Bate! :) Hope you have a great visit!

    • snowdrops profile image

      snowdrops 5 years ago from The Second Star to the Right

      hahaha!!! this is soo funny. lemme try search one too..

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LMAO! I'm glad you got a chance to read this before HubPages takes it off for offensive material. I sure had fun writing it, all with you in mind my dear!

      As usual your comment is every bit as funny as my hub.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Snowdrops, it is a great source of entertainment. Thank you for stopping by.

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      HP wouldn't dare remove one of your masterpieces! :) And I could tell...you must have kept a picture of me taped to your monitor...I'm flattered. LOL! I was trying to be funny to compliment your hub, but wasn't sure it was up to snuff. :) Yer a hard act to follow.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      TT, how did you know? Your picture is right here in front of me at all times....sigh! It feel so wrong to lust after my sister. LOLOLOLOL

    • Crystal Tatum profile image

      Crystal Tatum 5 years ago from Georgia

      I don't know if my ears have stopped growing but I hope to goodness that my nose has!

    • TToombs08 profile image

      Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

      LOL! Don't let Docmo hear that, he's throw another gauntlet at ya! :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Shhhhh...TT, you crack me up!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Crystal, I hope so too; you wouldn't be half as lovely with a two-foot nose. Thanks for stopping by!

    • brenda12lynette profile image

      brenda12lynette 5 years ago from Utah

      That was great!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Brenda, I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you for the visit.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      bill.....Clever, clever ....CLEVER. You're on a roll, Mr. H. However, I think it's important for your readers to get serious answers to these google questions......after all, not everyone can appreciate humor and sarcasm. I've researched in order to help out. You can thank me later.

      Muscles begin to grow,( between one's ears,)as soon as the empty space enlarges enough to handle the muscle.

      Your period do start, as soon as your sentence do end.

      Your teeth stop growing when the tooth fairy's empty space fills up with muscle

      Your balls drop once a year at precisely Midnight on New Year's Eve.

      Your breast form milk soon as you're cured of mad-cow's disease.

      According to the great philosopher, Alfred E. Newman and President Obama, ears never stop growing.

      In your case, your feet will stop growing at age 21, when you get your first pair of shoes.

      I certainly hope I've helped, Bill.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Oh Paula, that is invaluable help my friend. I'm sure my readers will be forever grateful for your input. Explain to me again about the balls dropping....only on New Year's Eve? Do I need to prepare for that event? Any necessary support needed? I'm quite concerned about how far will they drop? Any help you can give me will once again be appreciated.

      Thanks buddy; just read your hub and needed to do yoga to center again. Beautiful!

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      When do your ears stop growing? Hehe ears do grow as you age! This series is so funny Bill, keep em coming and we'll keep reading

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      From what the ball owners have told me....the only thing you need for the annual event, is some popcorn, soda and a noise maker.....if you've never used "support" before, you won't need to bother now. In checking with Jim, I can tell you they drop pretty damned far. I guess you're suppose to watch for bruised knees......I don't get that part, just passing on the info.

      Don't mention it....glad I could help.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      Once again, thanx for the Thursday lunchtime laugh, Bill! I'm surprised this is still up and the HP police haven't shot it down. Good for us, tho! Can't wait to see what nonsense you uncover next week.

      Enjoy your day....

      Sha

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Christy, it's always nice to see you stop by; thank you my dear.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, I'm going to need some heavy-duty knee guards then! LOL

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, I'm glad you read it before it was yanked. LOL Thanks buddy and you have a great day too.

    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 5 years ago

      Hello fellows! I came late to the Party. My ears seem to be fine. They just flapped before I finished reading this fun hub. Hope HP let it stay as true to his writer. Balls? Bill you have the...!!

      My feet are fine. Just some pedicure and a nice massaga would keep me going, but growing feet? This is too much! I wonder if the questions are POSTED in original English. This might be a global trending. Lol!

      LORD

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      So far so good, Lord; it hasn't been pulled yet. Sure glad to hear your feet are fine; I've been worried about that all morning long. LOL...thank you as always.

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 5 years ago from Upstate, New York

      Hysterical and loved every bit! Your twisted and humorous personality comes out strong and makes me laugh loud!!! This is right up my twisted alley. Great humor and I could not stop laughing. Between the balls dropping and Toombs having the personality, making obscene moose calls - the only word - HYSTERICAL!!!

      So glad we're friends. Not suprised either.

      Voting it up - I HAVE to!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Hey shining...I won't use your real name on these...thank you! I gravitate towards people with twisted humor...we at least keep things interesting! :) I'm damn glad we are friends too.

      bill

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 5 years ago from San Francisco

      spoon collector here. but, "it was my wife's fault". :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mhatter, I won't hold it against you. LOL Thank you, Sir!

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      Bill, Does Beth know you write this stuff:)

      Seriously, I have small ears, never called a moose and I have no clue about when balls drop......But I have talked to cows while passing over at low altitude in a Hot Air Balloon!

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 5 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      hahahaha this is so cool! I love it so funny! :) lol

    • Rosemay50 profile image

      Rosemary Sadler 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

      This is hilarious Billy, I really shouldn't read these just before bedtime though, heaven knows what my dreams will be about.

      I love these search hubs of yours and apparently HP don't seem to mind this one either. Lol

      Nice one :)

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

      I'm afraid if I answered this with what I am thinking not only would your hub be pulled but so would I...I'll let you think about that in your own inimitable way! Besides, Bert would never make it here in Tillson.

      I would love to know what you go shopping for after writing a hub like this..new shoes or do you go to see the dentist?

      I am soooo very glad I'm a follower and get to read all your hubs, I can't imagine how I survived without your sense of humor. Maybe I was busy watching my ears grow.

      Voted up, awesome, and last but surely not least funny!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mark, Bev sits right here and laughs while I write it. She is as sick as I am. LOL...love your addition.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Spy, I love to make people laugh. So glad you enjoyed it.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Rosemay; I have great fun writing them.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mary, your comment and comments like it have me laughing as much as my hub...very funny and I'm glad you are a follower too. Thank you!

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      You are so funny..I must admit I have pondered over some of your questions..HaHa

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruby, now that is too funny! I've done the same thing quite frankly. Shhh, don't tell anyone! LOL

    • God is dead profile image

      God is dead 5 years ago

      LOL, Very funny and helpful. Keep it up Thumbs up (:

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you God! LOL

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      I read once somewhere that our feet, nose, and ears continue to grow throughout our life (not so noticeable a thing though). I think some people must have some advantage in some ways on this! So funny and a good spot of sunshine to my day!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Dianna, if I brought sunshine to your day then my job is complete! :) Thank you my friend and I hope you are having a great weekend!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 5 years ago

      well I am pleased to say that I am the only 'epigramman' in the entire universe but not to be outdone I must also say there is truly only one BILLYBUC in the whole wide world and I am so glad not just for me but for everyone else here at the Hub .....that we have you .....and Happy Father's Day from lake erie time ontario canada 11:11am

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      And Happy Father's Day to you as well, Colin! I appreciate your kind words and I wish you a very pleasant day on the shores of Lake Erie!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 5 years ago

      ...well I am not a father at 54 - and never will be now - but I had a great one and yes he was my best friend and better to have had love than not at all - my dad was an unpublished writer of 59 novels and 1 memoirs of his experiences as a Canadian soldier in world war II - lake erie time 12:39pm

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Colin, you had a rather prolific writer as a father. I can sense quite a bit of that was passed on to the son. Thank you Sir for your visit.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      A lot of people are very concerned with growth, aren't they? Feet... ears... balls drooping... it is a complex world out there, my friend. Thank you for taking it on with another Google search hub!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jeannie, I had no idea there was such a fixation on parts of the anatomy growing....I'll carry a ruler around with me from now on!

      Thanks; I'm on my way to read your new hub now!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      How come no one has asked when will my hips stop growing? Or when will my stomach stop protruding? Or when will my thighs stop splitting the seams of my pants? Or when will my ass stop spreading????

      These are the real questions internet-seekers-of-the-almighty-answers-to-your-resultant-laziness-demise!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOLOLOLOL....Sha, you are killing me! No doubt, those are the answers we all want to know. Classic my friend; simply classic!

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      So how come these questions don't come up when googled? Is it because no one wants the truth? Who, in cyberspace completes our sentences? Oh, I know! It must be those who have the perfect ass, have worn a size 2 all their lives, don't have thighs that rub together, don't fart, have perfect ears, only have periods when they need a viable excuse (chicken!), don't have teeth, balls or breasts!

      Oh, I get it now! We've all seen the email where the kitty is working the mouse and sitting at the computer. It's non-humans who pose these stupid questions in order to understand why we humans are so assinine!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, I think you should be writing your own google search hubs. You are too funny my friend.

      Get some rest; work week dead ahead.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      You're right my friend. It's almost bed time!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Good night Sha!

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      Very cute as always. I think you should start an "Ask Bill" column so we can ask you these questions. That could be lots of fun!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tammy, that would be great fun! LOL I'd most likely get banned but I would have a blast until the pulled the plug!

      Thank you!

    • Skarlet profile image

      Skarlet 5 years ago from California

      Hi billybuc,

      Love this hub.

      I find it both hilarious and useful.

      Voted up and all...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you, Skarlet; I appreciate you stopping by to support me.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      Hi billy, lol! you always make me laugh so much I nearly choked on my cuppa! really funny as always, nell

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Nell and Happy Birthday!

    • George Greene Jr. profile image

      George Greene Jr. 4 years ago from California PA

      10 months later and its still up, I think I bought a few of Bert's dresses on an auction site, and my feet have gone from size 10!/2 M to 11W without my balls dropping..PERIOD! Just wanted to let you know before I go back to my self-induced breast-massaging!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      George, I needed a laugh and you came through for me. Thanks for the great comment. I owe you a laugh.

    • George Greene Jr. profile image

      George Greene Jr. 4 years ago from California PA

      I found your hubs a few months back and have just found your videos! You are always good for when I have time to kill and need some enlightenment! I do not know how many of these you have done , but I hope you still are!

      Well back to procrastinating on my income tax so I can get my student loans so I can learn how to make money by minting my own from melted down scrap metal!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      George, enlightenment is a ways off still. LOL I can promise a little entertainment, but it sounds like that college you are attending provides enough of that, too. :) Thanks and good luck with that money-making scheme.

    • George Greene Jr. profile image

      George Greene Jr. 4 years ago from California PA

      I should start a hub about my college life! First I am 51 and after this semester , will be a junior(I started in 1985) ,

      The name of the school alone is odd..California University of PENNSYLVANIA.. and our mascot is the VULCANS!

      And yes that is my picture you see, so I go to a college where A guy in a dress is accepted normal!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      George, there is so much wrong with the whole picture as you described it that I can't help but root for you and for the Vulcans. LOL I rarely laugh out loud reading a comment but this one had me. :) Have a great week at CUP!

    • George Greene Jr. profile image

      George Greene Jr. 4 years ago from California PA

      We are doing quite well in softball and baseball actually this year and both ranked in the top 25 in Division II. Of course , I can only contribute to the team by wearing my best black and red ensembles to cheer them on from the bleachers!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      George, it sounds to me like you are doing all a man can do. Red and black are timeless colors. :)

    • George Greene Jr. profile image

      George Greene Jr. 4 years ago from California PA

      Somebody has to be the cheerleader!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL....a man does what a man has to do. :)

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