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Top Google Search with Humor: Why Do Men Cheat and Other Nonsense

Updated on October 8, 2013
Delilah the whistling ladybug
Delilah the whistling ladybug | Source
The author so terribly confused
The author so terribly confused | Source
Your best friend perhaps?
Your best friend perhaps? | Source
Best case scenario
Best case scenario | Source

Are you in need of a belly laugh today? How about a hearty chuckle? Maybe a guffaw or two? If so I might suggest you tune in to the latest Congressional hearings. Those guys and gals are hilarious on any given day. Watch very closely and you might have a rare sighting of an honest politician.

But I digress from the matter at hand; so sorry, my cynicism at times will rear its ugly head. We are here today to take another look at the wonderful world of search engines and in particular those interesting folks who type in questions that can only be described as “head-shakers.”

In case you have not been following along here’s how we do this exercise: I type into the search engines a partial question and then I see what the internet junkies have been asking. Then I take their answers and I make up ridiculous stuff that usually belittles them and highlights their obvious lack of intelligence. Sounds like fun, right? So let’s get started! Today’s question is : Why do……?

WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?

Are we having a little attack of low self-esteem? I can tell you without hesitation that this question will never leave my lips. I couldn’t buy a date in high school or college. When I finally did find someone willing to say “I love you” to me there was no way I was going to question it or ask why. I was too damn busy dancing the jig and calling my mom with the good news. “Mom, guess what, I found a sucker who really loves me. You can put away the religious statues and the rosary beads, Mom, it’s all good now.”

Do you want to know what’s wrong with this question? If you ask it often enough you are kind of telling the other person that they may want to re-consider! That, to me, is just plain stupid! Just remember the words of P.T. Barnum: “there’s a sucker born every minute.”

WHY DO I LOVE YOU?

Are you sensing a theme here? If you are the same person who asked the previous question then there should be no question why you love them. Hello!!!! You haven’t had a date in fifteen years. Your best friend is your pet hamster. You are forty-five and you still have your Mom pack your lunch for work.

Despite all that you found someone who will love you and you have to ask why you love them? You love them because you are so darn desperate that you would love a Neo Nazi right about now. Just go with the flow and if you are still concerned about this six months from now do not, under any circumstances, have a baby with this person or get monogrammed towels with your initials on them.

WHY DO PEOPLE CRY?

I have found that most people who make these Google searches cry quite often. If my most intimate friend was a hamster I’d be crying too. Come to think of it, if my Mom still packed my lunch I’d have one heck of a crying fit because that woman, God bless her, packed horrible lunches. When I was in school I used to cry BEFORE I opened my lunch box. Now that’s a bad lunch!

Seriously, I have a suggestion for those of you who are crying a lot and this comes from the voice of experience. Go buy a bottle of Jim Beam and drink yourself into oblivion. When you are finished you won’t be able to remember why you were crying. Please, don’t try to thank me, it’s the least I can do for you.

WHY DO WE DREAM?

Umm, because you have no life! Because your best friend is running around on that silly wheel in his cage going nowhere! You dream because it beats the heck out of your reality! I’m just throwing out suggestions so take them or leave them. If you go the Jim Beam route you won’t dream at all. It’s called passing out. That might not be the best solution come to think of it.

I don’t know why you dream and quite frankly I don’t care. Go see a dream therapist! For $100 bucks an hour they will be more than happy to tell you not only why you dream but also what the dreams mean. Of course for $20 a palm reader will do the same thing and probably be just as accurate. I have a neighbor who will read your coffee grounds for a bottle of Jim Beam. That might be your best value!

WHY DO MEN CHEAT?

Probably because they have been dreaming of Heidi Klum but they are married to Phyllis Diller! If ever there was a recipe for cheating that would be it.

Okay, for all you women out there, here is the answer you want to hear. Men cheat because they are low-life, dumber-than-doornails, scum of the Earth and rotten to the core. That should just about cover it all.

Maybe your man is cheating because you spend too much time with your hamster? I don’t know the reason. What do you want out of me? Men cheat! What difference does it make why? If your man is cheating then send him back to his Mommy so she can pack his lunch while he’s dreaming of Heidi Klum.

WHY DO LADYBUGS HAVE SPOTS?

Do you want to know why this question bothers me so much? It’s because there are actually people out there who want to know this. Are there not more important matters in life? I mean is this it for some people, contemplating the reasons why a bug has spots? Sheez, GET A FRIGGIN’ LIFE!

One of the main characters in the novel I wrote is a whistling ladybug named Delilah! She has spots! I never once questioned why she had spots nor did I question why I have her whistling! I am quite secure in my ignorance about such things. I do know that if you have a pet ladybug you need to keep him/her away from your pet hamster or you will have something else to cry about.

WHY DO CATS PURR?

I don’t know but it bugs the hell out of me! I’m a dog kind of guy. I admit it so go ahead and start casting stones in my direction. I’m secure in my fondness for dogs AND whistling ladybugs and no, I have not had a drink of Jim Beam today or for the last five-and-a-half years.

In fact, I am convinced that cats purr for the express reason of bugging me. How’s that for paranoid? Cats know I don’t like them so they always crawl into my lap and start rubbing against me and purring. How come I couldn’t get Janice Armstrong to do that to me in the 8th grade? Man oh man, that is something I still dream about.

Oops, sorry Bev! Just kidding honey!

WHY DO DOGS EAT GRASS?

Obviously so their poop will be green! You see, dogs are very color conscious and they are quite concerned with coordinating their poop color with the color of the hardwood floor. We have a puppy and he is still fine-tuning his craft but he’s getting closer to a perfect color match and for that I am proud of him. He’s pretty proud of it too! He poops on the floor and then stands there wagging his tail waiting for a dog biscuit. You won’t see a cat do that! In fact our cat poops in the bathtub and she now has me trained to check the tub each morning before I take my shower.

Maybe that’s why she purrs! I wonder if she loves me and purring is her way of telling me. I wonder if Heidi Klum would ever purr if she pooped in the bathtub.

So many questions but we have run out of time.

TILL NEXT TIME

I’m sorry but I’ve run out of time and patience. I have a life to live and I can’t be wasting any more time on people who have their lunches packed by Mommy. I need to take my hamster to the hamster vet and get his poop checked. It’s been looking a little green lately. At least he doesn’t poop in the bathtub and purr; that would be too much for this boy.

I hope you all figure out why he/she loves you and why you love them. Sometimes it is just a mystery that is better left alone, especially if you are rich if you get my meaning.

Oh, one final note, I figured out why Delilah whistles so much. Turn out she dreams of Brad Pitt every night.

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

To see all of the Kindle books I have written go to:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&search-alias=digital-text&field-author=William%20D.%20Holland

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008BMEL4U

For other funny google search hubs see:

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-What-Does-It-Mean-When-Someone-Pokes-You-In-The-Face-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/How-Do-I-Know-If-He-Likes-Me-and-Other-Nonsense

http://billybuc.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Google-Searches-What-Happens-If-You-Eat-Mold-and-Other-Nonsense

Is your best friend a hamster?

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    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Peter, thank you again! About once a week I turn lighthearted in my hubs. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

    • petertebin profile image

      petertebin 5 years ago from Maryland

      Very Funny! I love this hub..... Voted UP... I look forward to going back through your hubs to read some!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Margarita, just a bit of my weird humor coming out.....ooh, I see a new profile picture of you....very nice!

      Thank you my friend; I hope you are well.

    • MargaritaEden profile image

      MargaritaEden 5 years ago from Oregon

      Bill, ahh you made my day again! I love this hub, "send him to his mommy so ghe can pack his lunch" love it!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I don't know what that means Devjeet but thank you for stopping by.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tom, one of the things I like about these hubs are the comments I receive from my followers. Oftentimes, like now, they are every bit as funny as what I have written. Great comment and thanks as always.

    • Tom Koecke profile image

      Tom Koecke 5 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

      I dreamt I was sleeping with Heidi Klum one night dreaming about Phyllis Diller. I awoke immediately, and stepped in green dog poop on my way to check on my hamster. Then I awoke again to realize it was all a dream.

      I wonder what it all means.

      Funny hub, my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Angela, I have always heard it is because they are sick and the grass somehow settles their stomach...I truly don't know the answer though so you aren't alone. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Glad you found it funny!

    • Angela Brummer profile image

      Angela Brummer 5 years ago from Lincoln, Nebraska

      Very funny.... I am the fool who though really wanted to know why the dogs are all the sudden eating grass. My grandmother said it meant it was going to rain. But, I stick with I means they are going to puck!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Mike, thanks buddy, but our cat poops in the shower and I'm always the one to find it. :) I appreciate you, Mike, and I hope you know that.

      Keep on being real and let's see what kind of good we can do today.

    • CloudExplorer profile image

      Mike Pugh 5 years ago from New York City

      Billybuc strikes back! Nice hub here Bill. I'm having trouble with the whole spots issue myself, since I read your hub it has me thinking about my poem, the one about potentially becoming a ladybug in my next life.

      It actually has me wondering now if the spots come from once having freckles as a human prior to reincarnation, LOL.

      Great job, and I know I love my wife because I wake up to her each morning and go to sleep with her each night, go Figure!

      Voted up bro, its was an enjoyable experience, and I love dogs too, but prefer cats they're much smarter, and poop less as well as smaller.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelly, I'm actually a big hamster fan although I don't have one. I think they are cute little guys for sure. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter in craziness. More coming soon. In fact, I'm way backed up in my writing and I have a long list of hubs that need to be written. Thank you!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Bill - I am going to go out on a limb here and admit...I do have a hamster - and I love him a lot:) LOL. He really is the sweetest guy ever - he loves people! Lol

      I always get such a kick out if these hubs...I am always really surprised at what people are interested in...lady bug spots - wouldn't have entered my mind!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kelley, I'm glad you enjoyed my weird sense of humor. I love writing these hubs as it lets me get silly and share a laugh with all of you. Have a great weekend!

    • profile image

      kelleyward 5 years ago

      Billybuc you are too funny! The picture of the cat on the toilet is hilarious! I love your interpretation of the searches...get a life! I wonder where some people get all the extra time they have to sit around and search for why lady bugs have spots etc..? Voted up and funny! Take care, Kelley

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Neeles, LOL....I have to check on you; I don't know if you have been writing of late.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Kevin...LOL...let me know what the answer is to your question when you find it. Thank you!

    • neeleshkulkarni profile image

      neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

      language my dear Bill language friend.all this talk of tolls is upsetting me.lollll

    • KevinMillican profile image

      KevinMillican 5 years ago from Stilwell, OK

      I enjoyed reading this! I think I'm going to look up "Why does my alcoholic hamster cry and cheat all of the time?"

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Neeles, it is vitally important that you have the right tools or you can't get the job done! Having said that, if you do, in fact, have a functioning set of tools, then I will answer your question in the next hub coming soon to a HubPages near you!

      You crack me up my friend! Great comments! I'm sorry but I simply cannot help you with your problem.

    • neeleshkulkarni profile image

      neeleshkulkarni 5 years ago from new delhi

      listen Bill, mean no insult but just trying a little honesty between friends.I DON'T love you so have no need to ask you why i love you or why you love me.I mean, you are a good friend and all that but i am NOT that kind of person and nor are you, and so being fully functional heterosexuals we just like each other ok???

      HOWEVER please for all the liking we have for each other do answer the question-no,no not why do men cheat? but the next- one HOW do men cheat ? i so badly want to cheat on my wife but have never been able to quite figure out how and and have spent so many years thinking of the right approach that the right time has slipped by and now i can only expect some other sloppy "could not figure out how-er" but yet it is is surely one thing i want to do before i move on to flirt with the houries in the other world. so please please answer this one.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha....:)

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      My darlin', I will read it!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, I love this series because the comments, like yours, are usually funnier than the hub I wrote. Great comments from a great friend.

      I will accept your challenge and begin my research immediately.

      I don't know how much I'll be on the computer this weekend. Reads are down already and I fear writing a hub that nobody will read. NOw that would be depressing. :)

      Have a great weekend!

      LOL

      bill

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 5 years ago from Central Florida

      Ok, here I go... First of all, my friend, this is the funniest in this series! I happen to be an expert (lol!! ha ha ha!) on many of these ends to the query, so let me begin.

      Why do you love me/why do I love you? If you have to ask, neither one of you loves the other.

      Why do men cheat? Because their 3rd leg is giving out and they think that's their brain, so they have to exercise it in hopes of making it work again!

      Why do ladybugs have spots? The spots indicate their age.

      Why do cats purr? I have had cats all my life so I know the answer to this. They purr when they are happy or content. They actually purr with their skin, not their throats! They purr because you've quit asking them why they love you!

      Why do dogs (or cats) eat grass? They do this when their stomach is upset. It helps them reguritate the disrupting matter.

      Finally, my good friend, your choice of song is so appropriate! If your time is spent asking questions that already have answers, either get a life or go somewhere where you don't have to think!

      Voted up and funny, my friend, that is if I could!

      Here's my challenge for your next in this series: what happens if....?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Devjeet, that picture was a late addition...glad I found it because I thought it was hilarious. Thank you for stopping by.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Teaches! You have a great weekend also!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      I may have to google why cats purr... that's interesting. Still amazed at the search results pulled up these days. Have a great weekend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vidya...:)

    • Vidya Mallar profile image

      Vidya Mallar 5 years ago from India

      Welcome you dear....Be always happy and humorous in life..

      Have a sunny and entertaining day with your near and dear....

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Vidya; I can't imagine life without humor.

    • Vidya Mallar profile image

      Vidya Mallar 5 years ago from India

      Sense of humor makes a man healthy free from stress and disorder in life...

      You are happy and make others happy too...

      have a blessed time dear........

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Vidya! Over the years my sense of humor has at times kept me sane and balanced so that I do not become to serious. I appreciate you so very much.

    • Vidya Mallar profile image

      Vidya Mallar 5 years ago from India

      Bill, this was very entertaining and interesting....

      Why do ..........

      has many continuations for us as questions some times useful otherwise useless. You have had a wonderful catch on this topic and I appreciate your sense of humor too....

      Voted up dear..

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tammy, that would be beyond tragic if you ask me. :) Thank you my friend and have a wonderful weekend. Do you have a show this weekend?

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Chaturrajneesh, so happy that you found humor in this silliness. I always enjoy writing them. Thank you!

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

      These always make me chuckle. I would really be worried if my man cheated WITH the hamster. Thanks for the chuckles. :)

    • chaturrajneesh profile image

      chaturrajneesh 5 years ago from India

      Ha ha, so finally I have got the answer, why do cats purr? Waiting eagerly for another How do series!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Docmo! I don't know what happened; after you mentioned it on Facebook I checked and I couldn't see any comments although it told me there were ten....weirdness on this Friday morning.

    • Docmo profile image

      Mohan Kumar 5 years ago from UK

      Found it finally- must have been some browser bug. Great fun this one Billybuc I find your dry humor and astute observations highly entertaining. Voted up and funny!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Well, Spy, sleep well tonight and enjoy your weekend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you for your kind comment Rajan! Have a blessed night sleeping.

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 5 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Enjoyable as ever, Bill! Though I wish you'd typed why we all love to read Billybuc. Lol! We don't need those google searches to tell us. You are hilarious and you hubs, rib tickling. What a great start to a day! It's sleep time here in a couple of hours. I'll sleep well for sure, Bill.

      All the votes for you my friend.

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 5 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      Hi Billy..good morning too! and good night as well..it's 10:30Pm here :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Lord, thank you! Sometimes we just have to have some fun at the expense of our fellow internet junkies!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Snowdrops! I'm so glad I brought a smile to your face this morning.

    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 5 years ago

      Simply hilarious! Couldn't cast a stome on you. I like dogs more than those purry and loving kitten. Great summary. Why men cheat? because they can...and women are entitled to pay them back as well.

    • snowdrops profile image

      snowdrops 5 years ago from The Second Star to the Right

      Hello Billy! i love this too!!! lol, these are very funny questions!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Spy and good morning to you! I'm glad you enjoyed my silliness.

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 5 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      lol. hahaha love this one: WHY DO LADYBUGS HAVE SPOTS?

      voted up and shared. wanna share the laugh!