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Top Google Search with Humor: Why Do Men Cheat and Other Nonsense
Are you in need of a belly laugh today? How about a hearty chuckle? Maybe a guffaw or two? If so I might suggest you tune in to the latest Congressional hearings. Those guys and gals are hilarious on any given day. Watch very closely and you might have a rare sighting of an honest politician.
But I digress from the matter at hand; so sorry, my cynicism at times will rear its ugly head. We are here today to take another look at the wonderful world of search engines and in particular those interesting folks who type in questions that can only be described as “head-shakers.”
In case you have not been following along here’s how we do this exercise: I type into the search engines a partial question and then I see what the internet junkies have been asking. Then I take their answers and I make up ridiculous stuff that usually belittles them and highlights their obvious lack of intelligence. Sounds like fun, right? So let’s get started! Today’s question is : Why do……?
WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?
Are we having a little attack of low self-esteem? I can tell you without hesitation that this question will never leave my lips. I couldn’t buy a date in high school or college. When I finally did find someone willing to say “I love you” to me there was no way I was going to question it or ask why. I was too damn busy dancing the jig and calling my mom with the good news. “Mom, guess what, I found a sucker who really loves me. You can put away the religious statues and the rosary beads, Mom, it’s all good now.”
Do you want to know what’s wrong with this question? If you ask it often enough you are kind of telling the other person that they may want to re-consider! That, to me, is just plain stupid! Just remember the words of P.T. Barnum: “there’s a sucker born every minute.”
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?
Are you sensing a theme here? If you are the same person who asked the previous question then there should be no question why you love them. Hello!!!! You haven’t had a date in fifteen years. Your best friend is your pet hamster. You are forty-five and you still have your Mom pack your lunch for work.
Despite all that you found someone who will love you and you have to ask why you love them? You love them because you are so darn desperate that you would love a Neo Nazi right about now. Just go with the flow and if you are still concerned about this six months from now do not, under any circumstances, have a baby with this person or get monogrammed towels with your initials on them.
WHY DO PEOPLE CRY?
I have found that most people who make these Google searches cry quite often. If my most intimate friend was a hamster I’d be crying too. Come to think of it, if my Mom still packed my lunch I’d have one heck of a crying fit because that woman, God bless her, packed horrible lunches. When I was in school I used to cry BEFORE I opened my lunch box. Now that’s a bad lunch!
Seriously, I have a suggestion for those of you who are crying a lot and this comes from the voice of experience. Go buy a bottle of Jim Beam and drink yourself into oblivion. When you are finished you won’t be able to remember why you were crying. Please, don’t try to thank me, it’s the least I can do for you.
WHY DO WE DREAM?
Umm, because you have no life! Because your best friend is running around on that silly wheel in his cage going nowhere! You dream because it beats the heck out of your reality! I’m just throwing out suggestions so take them or leave them. If you go the Jim Beam route you won’t dream at all. It’s called passing out. That might not be the best solution come to think of it.
I don’t know why you dream and quite frankly I don’t care. Go see a dream therapist! For $100 bucks an hour they will be more than happy to tell you not only why you dream but also what the dreams mean. Of course for $20 a palm reader will do the same thing and probably be just as accurate. I have a neighbor who will read your coffee grounds for a bottle of Jim Beam. That might be your best value!
WHY DO MEN CHEAT?
Probably because they have been dreaming of Heidi Klum but they are married to Phyllis Diller! If ever there was a recipe for cheating that would be it.
Okay, for all you women out there, here is the answer you want to hear. Men cheat because they are low-life, dumber-than-doornails, scum of the Earth and rotten to the core. That should just about cover it all.
Maybe your man is cheating because you spend too much time with your hamster? I don’t know the reason. What do you want out of me? Men cheat! What difference does it make why? If your man is cheating then send him back to his Mommy so she can pack his lunch while he’s dreaming of Heidi Klum.
WHY DO LADYBUGS HAVE SPOTS?
Do you want to know why this question bothers me so much? It’s because there are actually people out there who want to know this. Are there not more important matters in life? I mean is this it for some people, contemplating the reasons why a bug has spots? Sheez, GET A FRIGGIN’ LIFE!
One of the main characters in the novel I wrote is a whistling ladybug named Delilah! She has spots! I never once questioned why she had spots nor did I question why I have her whistling! I am quite secure in my ignorance about such things. I do know that if you have a pet ladybug you need to keep him/her away from your pet hamster or you will have something else to cry about.
WHY DO CATS PURR?
I don’t know but it bugs the hell out of me! I’m a dog kind of guy. I admit it so go ahead and start casting stones in my direction. I’m secure in my fondness for dogs AND whistling ladybugs and no, I have not had a drink of Jim Beam today or for the last five-and-a-half years.
In fact, I am convinced that cats purr for the express reason of bugging me. How’s that for paranoid? Cats know I don’t like them so they always crawl into my lap and start rubbing against me and purring. How come I couldn’t get Janice Armstrong to do that to me in the 8th grade? Man oh man, that is something I still dream about.
Oops, sorry Bev! Just kidding honey!
WHY DO DOGS EAT GRASS?
Obviously so their poop will be green! You see, dogs are very color conscious and they are quite concerned with coordinating their poop color with the color of the hardwood floor. We have a puppy and he is still fine-tuning his craft but he’s getting closer to a perfect color match and for that I am proud of him. He’s pretty proud of it too! He poops on the floor and then stands there wagging his tail waiting for a dog biscuit. You won’t see a cat do that! In fact our cat poops in the bathtub and she now has me trained to check the tub each morning before I take my shower.
Maybe that’s why she purrs! I wonder if she loves me and purring is her way of telling me. I wonder if Heidi Klum would ever purr if she pooped in the bathtub.
So many questions but we have run out of time.
TILL NEXT TIME
I’m sorry but I’ve run out of time and patience. I have a life to live and I can’t be wasting any more time on people who have their lunches packed by Mommy. I need to take my hamster to the hamster vet and get his poop checked. It’s been looking a little green lately. At least he doesn’t poop in the bathtub and purr; that would be too much for this boy.
I hope you all figure out why he/she loves you and why you love them. Sometimes it is just a mystery that is better left alone, especially if you are rich if you get my meaning.
Oh, one final note, I figured out why Delilah whistles so much. Turn out she dreams of Brad Pitt every night.
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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For other funny google search hubs see: