Please help!

1. 52

   thereishopeposted 13 years ago

   I am guilty of an emotional affair. I always thought, "I would NEVER cheat. That is really wrong." Now I'm in a place of shame, hurt, and unbearable pain, of which both my husband and I have. He has told me I have destroyed him and it makes me just want to die. My husband and I have been married a total of 8 years. We have two young children. Our marriage has had its ups and downs and we have been through alot. About 4 months ago, a new guy started working with me. My husband was jealous about this guy because we (my husband and I) had some trust issues beforehand. It involved me deleting messages and calls out of my phone. I have a problem with hiding, and it is something that I am willing and want to change.
   At first, it was awkward between me and this new guy because I was aware of how my husband felt. After a couple of months past, we (me and the guy) began joking around and teasing each other, in other words: flirting. I began telling him about how my husband would get easily frustrated and irritated. He didn't lend any advice, just a ear to hear. I knew how my husband felt, but I had alot of pain and hurt inside from my marriage, so I saw this guy as someone to listen to me. As evil of a thought that this is, I wanted him to hurt like I felt. Toward the end of October, the guy, his friend and I, began eating luch together at work. The tragic part is that I hid all this from my husband, even though there were questions, every day(from my husband), after work, about how the guy was doing?, is he flirting with you?, and wanting information about him. I lied and responded with no or just did't answer.  The turning point hit when he came to have lunch with me and I was at the table with the other two guys. He was furious! (as would anyone who discovered this about their own wife) I instatnly began lieing, which extremely worsened the situation. It's now been 4 days since this has happened. I have cut off the relationship with the guy but I still work with him. I think I should quit because of what I have done. My husband told me yesterday that he forgave me, but I can tell he is still not sure if he can get past the destruction I have caused and his extreme pain. I'm not sure that I can forgive myself. Is there any way to help the situation? we want to stay together. He wants the pain to go away now...how can that be done? What is the next step towards rebuilding our relationship?

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2. 0

   Website Examinerposted 13 years ago

   By what you are describing, both your husband and yourself are insecure and fairly immature. You both need to come to terms with what it means to be living in the real world. Flirting with someone is not a disaster unless you allow yourselves to escalate the situation by over-dramaticizing it. Your husband's jealosy and suspicion is a big part of the problem, he needs to work on that. Lying is a natural, but immature reaction: He needs to be told to get off your back. A person's mind cannot be imprisoned. Your husband is way over-reacting, and so are you.

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3. 77

   sofsposted 13 years ago

   There is hope..Yes there is ...all of us make mistakes..I can understand the culture that you come from...may not be so for others.. you may feel that you have failed your husband..because you have betrayed his trust and reacted with a desire to hurt.. all is not lost..you have the power to forgive yourself and accept forgiveness from your husband.
   I understand the pain you speak of..
   But life goes on...you have children whom you need to consider, so don't jump to any wrong decisions....this too shall pass away believe me...you can slowly but surely rebuild the trust can get back to normal living... just let things heal... time heals all.
   
   My heart goes out to you and best wishes to both of you!

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   1. 52

      thereishopeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you, sofs. You say you understand my pain. What worked for your relationship to stay together?  He  doesn't trust me and wants me to take a polygraph test. I'm not against that if it eases his mind.

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         Website Examinerposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Which only reaffirms my impression of the situation, see my first post. Two people need to become more mature, and fast.

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         sofsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         I work with people with emotional problems... what works for me is here for you to see
         
         http://hubpages.com/hub/Marriage-advice … y-marriage
         
         I am not promoting my hub, I think you are not part of HubPages community so I am making it easier for you to read... check it out may help you!!
         I have no doubts about what WE  says maturity is the key!!

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4. 0

   Website Examinerposted 13 years ago

   Well spoken, Sofs.

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      sofsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      We I can understand where she is coming from.. that is a different world...................perhaps your response may confuse her or so I thought.. thanks for understanding!

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5. 68

   Pearldiverposted 13 years ago

   If The Advice Offered by Our Professional 'Make Ya Feel Better' hubbers here has been of some assistance or perhaps eased your conscience in some respect........
   
   Please Donate your next months salary to the HP Christmas Party Fund... so that we can get drunk and thus counter the effect of being left here hanging onto your problems, while you enjoy your day!!

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      K9keystrokesposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I like this idea best!

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   John Holdenposted 13 years ago

   Tend to endorse WEs comment. Your husband is furious because you get on well with your work colleagues and have lunch with them, blimey.
   Had he found you in bed with the two guys he might be justified but does he really expect you to not communicate with your fellow workers and does he not realise that his attitude is not holding you tight but pushing you away?

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   1. 52

      thereishopeposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I know, but the main issue was that I was sharing frustraion about my husband with another male. True, I had no intimate physical contact with the other guy, but my husband was extremely jealous of the guy before all this happened. Me talking with this guy about things and lieing about it just added fuel to the fire, unfortunately.

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         John Holdenposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         Better to share than bottle them up, why not suggest you get some joint counselling?
         You know I'm in a very similar position at the moment. I have a friend who is in a relationship. We aren't lovers or owt like that we just get on rigt well together. He knows about me and I met him once, I was about to ask him to meet for a drink but he turned his back on me!
         He tries to control where she goes and who she sees and when she leaves the house.
         She likes visiting me, we chat about all sorts which she enjoys, because I never scoff at her thoughts, talk her down or order her around.
         The point of this is that though in the past I've suggested that I would like our relationship to go further she has all ways said no. His latest control is to tell her who can and can't visit her.
         Guess who is the only person on the can't visit list. The result of this is that we are in the process of looking for a flat together.

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   Pearldiverposted 13 years ago

   Why are there always disagreements on threads opened solely for venting by passing space cadets?
   
   I believe that the important issue here is:  Why Do we let them get away Without Contributing to our Christmas Party Fund?

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      sofsposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      There is a real thing called pain PD and people need to tell someone... anonymous. Have a heart.

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         Pearldiverposted 13 years agoin reply to this

         A Heart..........?  A Heart????  I'm trying to have a party!
         Something Good Must come from the agony???

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      EmpressFelicityposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      LOL, the more popular and well-known Hub Pages gets, the more threads like this we can expect.  Just think of our forums as a sort of free agony column, with near-instant, real-time responses from members

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8. 76

   Shadesbreathposted 13 years ago

   I tend to agree with the assessment that you both are acting very insecure. Laughing and joking with co-workers is not a crime, nor is it even wrong.  I'm not sure how human beings can be in the same place for very long and NOT laugh and joke.  Same goes with going to lunch.  Big deal.  If you're not playing footsies under the table or staring deeply into one another's eyes, proclaiming your desperate need for one another, then what's the big deal?
   
   Now, if you are soft pedaling that part of your story, and you ARE enchanted with this other guy, and your husband is picking up on romantic vibes which is making him act that way, that's different.  If that's the case, you deserve what you get and if you are truly contrite he may forgive you in time. 
   
   Another thing: if that is the case, you need to fix all the problems you sort of hinted at here and there in your post or this is just going to happen again.  If there's something wrong with the marriage that nobody wants to address, then other "problems" like this are going to pop up that SEEM like THE problem when in reality they are just symptoms of the REAL problems, the ones you have been ignoring all along.

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9. 60

   lostdogrwdposted 13 years ago

   an affair with a friend of your husband is cold, very cold but a marriage is for better or worst and now it up to you to fix this and some of the ways is to be there ALWAYS for him, go to his job on his break and give his some, let him have is way with you. there love there and kids and read the bible on what God good though with man and how Jesus still forgive our sin and stand at the door for other. you two still together so you two over the hard part. work it out and see it a threesome with you, another woman and him can help out thing.

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    Catering101posted 13 years ago

    I'm sorry you're both going through something like this. I agree that you and your hubby needs the counselling in order for you to settle problems regarding your marriage and specially your trust issues.
    I hope you'll get over your differences before it worsens.

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11. 60

    Otto23posted 13 years ago

    I'm really sorry to hear what has been going on. What is sounds like is both of you are partially insecure and/or have possible attention issues? I don't mean this in any sort of malignance I promise, but I just wanted to be clear as to what the intentions of my opinions are coming from.
    
    If you trully love him and you're willing to give it a try, then I would recommend opening up your communication style. I can't tell you how much this specific factor both makes and breaks couples. It has, in fact, broken up a good handful of my relationships because of the lack thereof.
    
    Also, if you know that flirting with someone else is wrong (as fun as it may be), then forcing yourself to not do it would be the best thing. Control yourself, take a step back from the situation, and even butt into the middle of flirting by being mature and saying something to the effect of...
    
    "You know, it's really flattering that you're saying all these things, but I really shouldn't be doing this. I am happily married and I honestly don't want to do anything that could possibly ruin it. I'm not saying that you're ruining it right now, it's just that if my husband were doing the same thing that we were doing right now, then i'd probably be upset too. So, in lieu of making sure things stay well with me and my husband, let's just take it down a notch and change the subject. Is that ok?"
    
    You don't have to be as wordy as that. Obviously, choose your words and express them the way that's best for you.
    
    I'm no counselor, but I hope this may have helped and things get better for you. You sound like you have good qualities and good intentions, so I only hope the best for you!

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