I'd like feedback on my article: Baba - Short story of a dog

1. 92

   kannanwritesposted 6 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my article Baba - Short story of a dog. What can I do to improve?
   
   I can't think anything to improve this as it is creative writing. A short story.
   
   Please help.

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   1. 96

      theraggededgeposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Hello,
      
      You keep mixing up the sex of the dog...
      
      "Baba's skin was dark brown in color and eyes shiningly black with its gaze strikingly fixed on me. Baba looked hungry and I picked him up scanning the surrounding area, and I couldn't see any trace of her mother or of his kin. I decided to take him home!"
      
      It, her, him... pick one and stick with it.
      
      So what happened to Baba... in one sentence he's the hero community-owned dog and in the next sentence he's dead of poisoning? Shouldn't you fill in the gap and tell your readers what happened? Did he live a long time, or was he dead in a week?
      
      Also, what are 'history-sheeters'?
      
      Needs some work, but you can fix it.

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      1. 92

         kannanwritesposted 6 years agoin reply to this

         This helped a lot. Have reworked and submitted.
         
         History-sheeters is a term for criminals used in India. Have changed with a more suitable word.
         
         Thank you.

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2. 93

   Jeremy Gillposted 6 years ago

   Here are some ideas:
   
   1) Proofread. Use more commas for pauses, especially in sentences like "That day as soon as Meena left me for her home and I started to walk following a cursory bye to Meena I saw a baby dog in the middle of the road."
   2) Other sentences are awkward. For instance: ".... my mother cutting my sentence in short."
   3) Be careful with short stories, as HubPages may not be the ideal platform for them. It's difficult to implement relevant pictures throughout stories, something HP likes for their aesthetic value; you might be getting dinged for lack of visuals.
   4) Capitalize all key words in your title.
   
   Best of luck.

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   1. 92

      kannanwritesposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Noted your suggestions. This was my first short story. Have reworked it. Hopefully it gets featured.
      
      Thank you.

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3. 92

   kannanwritesposted 6 years ago

   @theraggededge @Jeremy Letting you know this is featured now. Surely your suggestions made this possible. Many thanks.

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   1. 93

      Jeremy Gillposted 6 years agoin reply to this

      Glad to hear it!

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4. 0

   pen promulgatesposted 6 years ago

   Hi Kannan,
   It's an interesting story. I enjoyed it.
   Maybe you worked on the Feedback given by Jeremy and Bev, but punctuation errors still exist.
   Here are some:
   
   As the bell rang and our daily after-class prayer ended we all walked in a straight line out of the school.
   
   Better is to keep:
   As the bell rang, and our daily after-class prayer ended, we all walked in a straight line out of the school.
   
   The sentence 'My best friend Meena's home was also in the way my home was in.' is weird. Simply write My best friend Meena's home was on my way home.
   
   'That day as soon as Meena left. I started to walk following a cursory bye to Meena I saw a baby dog in the middle of the road.' is incorrectly punctuated too. 'following a cursory bye to Meena' sounds absurd.
   
   Hope these help.
   Good luck.

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