For Addicts and Alcoholics sharing and recovering

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brethodgeposted 14 years ago
recovery cannot be done in a single day but it can be done within a short span of time if its doen with perseverance and full dedication..
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  H.C Porterposted 14 years agoin reply to this
  What? So if you want to be-and are head strong about letting go of your addictions and becoming sober, you can? If you are determined?
  Not too sure I agree with that. Addiction is much more complicated. It is a daily battle within yourself-somedays hurt (most days are hard).
  What is recovery suppose to feel like?
  Is recovery when you stop thinking about what you are not doing anymore?
  Is recovery when life and letting go of your addiction becomes easy?
  
  I am sorry- I am in a mood today and I am trying to make sense of a thought or two...and I am tired. I want to know when life lets up and gives a break. But I know that it isnt something anyone can answer for me.
  
  Sorry for the rambling thoughts... Been a bad couple of weeks, just trying to look up for better days ahead
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Sooh agree with you all the strenghth in the world couldn,t stop you if you got in to your head to go for your chosen poison not only do i believe that in some cases addiction is genetical "laugh if you want" but it could be a learned behaviour but mostly it,s a way of self medicating a way to block out the s**t that llife has thrown at you it,s the easy option i think everyone could agree on that but in the long run it ruins you my poison was the mistress heroine i nearly lost my legs through blood clots & everything but i didn,t care as that bitch had a bigger grip on me than anyone i know had a breakdown & ended up in the phsyciatric ward that was 3 years ago & i,ve managed to stay clean but every days a fight & it,s one i,ll be fighting for the rest of my life crabbit old bugger today aren,t i luv,nvstuff pam xxx hope to speak to you soon luv ya x
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selrachposted 14 years ago
Just logged in for a rant.I am having a bad couple of days,just can,t shake the craving for a drink.I have took my antibuse so know I won,t take one but can feel the anger and resentment building.The usual old crap why me ,why can,t I be normal.
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selrachposted 14 years ago
Oh well looks like no cyber hugs for me
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  nikki1posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  hugs to all
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Big hugs & stay strong be checking in everyday hope to speak to you all & get to know you as the strong people you are luv,n,stuff pam xxx
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nikki1posted 13 years ago
Never be alone when you are in the recovering part. Also, rx and a change of lifestyle is always a welcomed start. Being in support groups, find your happy times, be around people who cares about you. Who can motivate you. I for one have faith your recovery.
I know you will feel that much better in the long run. Also, creating awesome mind scenes such as a beautiful day or on youtube
Look at the video from Louie Armstrong "What a wonderful world"
That is a heart felt video.
Smiles to all
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  The past 3 years have been the lonliest of my life. I,ve had to cut ties with all of my old friends as their still going through their own personal hell at times reality has been sooh scary & turning back to the mistress heroine has seemed like the easy option but i wont go there as i need to be there for my daughter now i,ve let her down sooh badly in the past i,m making up for it now though what a darling she is 22 & knows everything l.o.l we all know what it,s like to be that age!!! Can,t tell you how happy i am to have found a sight where people actually know what i,m going through & Yeah it does get easier with time but every day for the rest of my life is going to be a fight but unlike my best friend who died a year ago on march 10th i,m here & i didn,t go back when she died as she,d never have forgiven me i sometimes wonder though are the survivors really the lucky ones but having a bit of a sentimental moment there hope to speak to you soon luv,n,stuff pam xxx
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pam kennedyposted 13 years ago
Hi folks first time user l.o.l wrong term first time on your site been clean 3 years now & every day it gets a bit easier. Sadly lost my best pal a year ago in march feel real guilt as had moved town feel as if i let her & her kids down dont know how to deal with the guilt as sooh used to self medicating but take each day as it comes. Still find some days a stuggle got to laugh at doctors & drug councellors f**king idiots how do they know how we feel have they been in my shoes have they f**k love to see how they cope with some of the s**t lifes thrown at me but at the end of the day no one forced me to take the devils dandruff but i did & as i said 3 years clean. Rambling i know but just want to get to know people that have been there surrounded by kid on pals theres a difference between a drug addict people like you & drug users people who would hang out of your a**e for a scabby tenner bag.Sitting here shaking another one of the side affects of being clean still got no self confidence time to let go of the past just wish other people would let me move on too. Thats the other thing too many people choking to see me relapse. Hat off to all of you hope to get to know you better luv,n,stuff pam xxx
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mythbusterposted 13 years ago
Holy crap! Guilt is thick in this thread........self-guilt.

Be good to your/ourselves, people - not ALL of EVERYTHING about our addiction was OUR choice or fault...

(whoa, balance, balance, balance, eh?)
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Please tell me when does the guilt go away the guilt of being here when my bet pals kids are only 9 & 11 & mine is 22 & could cope without me why her? she never hurt anyone she was such a free spirit & 12 years younger than me she looked up to me & what did i show her how to self harm to feel as if i was getting the filth out of my blood for 5 minutes yet another quick fix instead of drugs cutting myself stupid cow that i am. The last year has been the hardest of the 3 that i,ve been clean because i miss her sooh f**king much am i really a survivor why did i move towns? Why wasn,t i there for her i should have took her with me when i moved & maybe she,d have been clean to & still with me. Got her as my screen saver on my phone just can,t let go !!! How do i let go of the self loathing & guilt i,m scared to let anyone get close to me incase they get hurt i wish i could take away everyones pain but got no one to take away mine the nights are the worst the nightmares is this what reality is going to be like forever or will it get easier. Why couldn,t i save her life? why didn,t i lead by example? why did i move towns? i know i had to for self preservation but i should have taken her with me. Please tell me this gets easier not dealt with the fact i was mentally, physically & sexually abused yet but no going back try to treat every day as a new day but sometimes the guilts so bad it all seems like 1 long nightmare, nobody could hate me anymore than i hate myself. Please tell me that gets easierr as sometimes i,m so lonely as as i said i,m scared to let anyone get close to me i don,t have the midus touch everything i touch seems to turn to poison & it,s not deliberate i just seem to hurt everyone i love!!! Please help me understand luv,n,stuff pam xxx
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  GeneriqueMediaposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  I agree Myth! Guilt is a useless emotion. You must accept your past, but see it as just that--past! How you walk into each new dawn is all that matters.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Gult might be a useless emotion an emotion i,d love to get rid of but every now & then my beloved parents remind me of my sad & destructive past occasionaly sending me back 30 steps but not enough steps to put me back over the edge, also my daughter spoke to me about what i,d put her through a few months ago & that cut like a knife so unlike you i,m not in a stage in my recovery yet when i,m free of all guilt. Please don,t judge as i,ve still got to take things one at a time & don,t need people making me feel guilty about feeling guilty.KUDOS to you on you,re strength but i don,t think guilt is a bad emotion it just makes us HUMAN !!! luv,n,stuff pam x
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  kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Thank you kindly I will tell the millions and millions around the world you have a solution to the disease of drug and alcoholism.
  
  Buddy please post when you know what your talking about.
  
  Recovery is actually far more rewarding than hard
  
  But rid the guilt we shall hey hey
  
  Do you know how famous you will be
  
  The one who has the answer
  
  I am honored to know you and to think your on HubPages with a happy avatar
  
  Bless, hope you have a fantastic day
  
  If you'd like to dance more on this topic, I would be honored, Just say the word my new friend
  
  and thank you again
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  I don,t think i have all the answers far from it if i had all the answers i would never crave the drug that took my kife for so long, the drug that i continue to fight against every day, i don,t know where you got in my thread that i think i have all the answers, am i such a bad person to still feel guilt, to struggle with the reality of losing my best friend without masking it with drugs. I seem to rub you the wrong way kimberly & i don,t know why as i,ve read all of your threads on this page watched, your video & think you are an amazingly strong individual OMG i can,t seem to say anything right just now, if i had all the answers would i not be guilt free would i still find every day a struggle of course i wouldn,t. I don,t want to come across as pretencious & all knowing as that,s 1 thing i,m not bloody hell i don,t even have a drug councellor that was why i was sooh happy when i found this site i thought at last people who understand me & my daily struggles but it seems as if all i,m doing & saying is wrong i,m only telling you where i am in my recovery surely you,ve been there too !!! You really did help me on 1 day when my fight with my inner demons was bad & for that i am sooh grateful but instead of telling millions of people in recovery that i have all of the answers could you please ask them to give me the answers !!! & how to get rid of ny guilt & shame " symtoms of my disease" Have a blessed day luv,n,stuff pam x
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  p.s tears are streaming down my face as i feel guilty for feeling guilty "Oh Happy Days" am i really grating your nerves sooh badly !!! x
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  selrachposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Pam, kimberley was not replying to you,she was replying to another poster.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  I realised that when i read it again & have apologised to kimberly in another thread, i,ve got my periods & am mega mega sensitive stupidly i thought something i had said had rubbed her the wrong way, i feel guilty about that & can,t apologise enough to her kimberly is a true insperation to me & i know how much she has helped others on my site i can only pray that she accepts my apology in the honest gesture that it is made in it was just a case of crossed wires i really am dipsy at times & when i,m on my period i,m extremely dipsy so kimberly PLEASE PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY !!! it was a stupid misunderstanding on my behalf !!! big love to you i,m sooh sooh sorry pam xoxo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  I didn,t mean to say my site in that last thread i meant to say this site !!! Sorry folks got period brain & girls i,m sure you know how scattered that makes you please forgive me for my slip up. I,m not cocky or up my own a**e it was a genuine slip of the tongue if anything i,m 1 of the least confident people i know that,s why i find this site amazing as i don,t get embarressed talking face to face but really had to apologise for that slip of the tongue don,t want to make enemies want to get to know you all better luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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  kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  oh my god hon, that was meant for someone else
  
  I'll try emailing you to let you know
  
  I feel terrible you think that was for you
  
  read back through the thread you'll see what I mean
  
  I was the one so proud of you
  
  as I still am
  
  kiss
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Kimberly when i read through your thread then went further down the page & saw what you had wrote about me i realised you didn,t mean me, Please Please accept my apology, i,m in a bit of a quandrie just now as since i,ve moved back to my home town i,ve been craving badly & this site has been a total blessing to me, you have no idea how much of an insperation you are & that was why it hurt that i thought you thought that i should have realise that you didn,t mean me as there was nothing in my thread that could have possibly been interpreted that way. I,ve got my periods just now & am extremely all over the place the reason being i had a miscarriage last month it just seems as if over the last month wherever i,ve went the mistress h has been looking over my shoulder pulling & begging but i wont give in i cant, yet again kimberly i am sooh sooh sorry. Since i was a teenager i could never please my parents & got the blame for anything bad that happened even before i,d touched a drug, then my daughters father picked up on the fact that i was slightly damaged & would do anything just to feel his love so he knew he could abuse me anyway possible & know that i would accept it as i just wanted someone to show me love, love that came with no conditions, he could cheat, batter & abuse me & at the end of the day convince me it was my fault & i deserved it i,m sure you know what i,m talking about !!! Abusers are good at that !!! So that,s why i take blame so easily as i,ve always in the past been convinced that i was useless & everything my fault i should have read all the threads before jumping to a stupid conclusion please forgivre me kimberly your words of wisdom mean a lot to me i,m sorry for being such a prat & thank you so very much for your praise it meant the world to me, like you i,m not a victim anymore but i sometimes slip easily to thinking i,ve messed up & things are my fault luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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Joy56posted 13 years ago
been reading through lots of the posts, thinking about you all, and hoping tomorrow is a good day, what can we do to help
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
Life is good, it really can be

have a great day

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pam kennedyposted 13 years ago
Hi good to hear from you all life is good but we all have our bad days. Every day is still a struggle especially when you see people round about you still in self ditruct mode wish i could take away there pain & show the it doesn,t have to be this way. Truly believe we,re all born with addictive personalitys & it just takes 1 thing to kick it off.So full of self hatred for what i put my darling daughter through i guess that,s my biggest punishment the guilt i have for my baby. You,re all survivors & kudos for reaching for the stars & catching them. Never thought i,d be able to talk to people that truly get it wish i,d foung this site when i first got clean maybe then i wouldn,t have had to listen to all the cr*p i heard from drug councellors "pat yourself on the back pamela look what you,ve acheived" f**k them walk a day in my shoes & tell me what i,ve acheived reality, a concience, guilt, self loathing for what getting myself into that position in the 1st place & hurting the people i loved the most YEAH!!! what an acheivement really need to get off of my own case when does that happen honestly please tell me does that get easier with time. When will the guilt of being a survivor go away to i miss my best bud sooh f**king much it,s the most painful thing i,ve ever suffeed i,d go through withdrawal a million times just to have her back for 5 minutes. Please help answer my questions big love to you all luv,n,stuff pam xxx
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pam kennedyposted 13 years ago
hi having a rough few days having really bad cravings moved back to my home town & know i could just make 1 phone call & i,d have in 10 minutes, not going to give in though came far too far for that, guess the guilt i,m feeling about my buddies death is really really catching up with me struggling to keep my train of thought today, nothing new there l.o.l bit of a ditsy thing but honest about it. Wish i could switch of my brain for just 5 minutes 5 bloody minutes when youre craving it feels like 5 bloody years every second feels like an hour every hour feels like a day. That,s the thing about addicts people think we,re stupid & if anything it,s the exact opposite to clever for our own boody good if we knew how to turn of or tune out it would make life so much easier. Self escape that,s what addiction is all about escaping yourself & the s**t that,s round about you. You think your not hurting anyone but yourself & you hide it so well but youre so oblivious to all around you, you don,t notice the funny looks & side way glances that those around are giving you. I,ve always hated liars but when i was an addict i became sooh bloody good at it. F**k how did i get tis far when all i wanted to say was i,m struggling today just want the craving to go away if anybody checks in today please have a chat that,s what i need some positive help from someone that,s been there aaagghh!!! help lu,n,stuff pam xxx
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  kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Good Morning Pam.
  
  Guess what. You are simply describing your disease. These feelings are the exact nature that takes us out again.
  
  Good for you for reaching out but If I were you [only my opinion] I would get to a meeting or call another sober person.
  
  Being alone right now is the most dangerous thing you can do right now.
  
  Say the serenity prayer
  
  and even make a sign in your home that reads
  
  NO MATTER WHAT I WILL NOT PICK UP TODAY
  
  you also have support here-you'd be surprised how much
  
  Bless
  
  Kimberly
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  ho kimberly i know your not a big lover of the God squad nut i got saved 3 years i don,t preach & i let people have there own opinions luckily for me i had someone from womans aide coming out to see me today she,s the drug councellor from there & guess what she,s actually been thee not like the knob ends i go & see at the local drug outreaches she had a problem with alcohol & so did her brother he nearly died got a liver transplant she took away the name of the site for other recovering addicts mso did a bit of good there. i,ve been thinking too much about my best friend that i lost a year ago in march & it,s killing me her kids were only 9 & 11 why not take me my daughters 22 & old enough to look after herself i know i know it,s selfish to think like that but just hurting sooh f**king much the guilt of an addict am i a survivor kimberly or have i got to suffer for the rest of my life thanks so much for writing i wish i,d stayed on the sight could you please do something i know you don,t know me yet but could you check in every now & then for the next couple of days as your threads give me so much solace i think everyone is AMAZING!!! & hope 1 day to have a much more positive out look on things & to stop beating myself up so much but hey i got through today so thats another day clean & a step closer to the 4 year mark. I think this sight is the best thing to happen to me in 3 years real people with real feelings that know what i,m going through & don,t patronise or sugar coat what they,ve got to say big love to you all i,ll check in at somepoint tommorrow even if it is just for a rant luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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Non-offensiveUserposted 13 years ago
Is it possible to be addicted to this damn site? I seem to be drawn to it no matter how hard I try to stay away so I can get some work done.
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  kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  
  I hear ya buddy
  
  Just set a time o exit and work or you'll feel really guilty
  
  setting perimeters key and we'll still be here for you when you get back
  
  promise
  
  now go make a schedule
  
  xo
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  Non-offensiveUserposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  I don't have time to make a schedule, I've got too much work to do. I'll check back in a bit. You better be here!!!!
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  i,ve got to agree with you thius site is amazing & helped me to get through today every day just now i,m fighting with my inner demons everyday just now truly is an inner struggle i came across this site a few days ago & have posted replies to threads from 5 months ago as it took my mind off of the mistress heroine the bitch is trying to pull me back but thanks to the people on this site who actually know what the f**k i,m going through i,ve won the battle over the last 3 days i,m 3 years clean & these last 3 days have been torture i swear i can fel withdrawal pains i know that,s stupid a phsychosymatic but it feels real. the pain of my friends death is physical & that,s what,s making the cravings so bad just now but I WILL NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT just got to take the next few days as they come & hope that someone checks in even just to let me rant for a moment to get the anger & hurt out answer me this friend when does the guilt & shame of an addict disappear because it doesn,t seem to be when i say so as others still throw it in my face just waiting to laugh if i fall but i,ve found you guys to catch me so THANKS GUYS!!! big love to you all check in tommorrow luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Today was a bit easier spoke to a few old friends on face book friends from school from before i turned my life upside down but still riddled with guilt,, guilt for my best friend, guilt for my daughter, guilt for my parents & shame it,s meant to get easier but do you know something i,d say my 1st year clean was my easiest because i was on such a natural high for being clean, Then reality hit me like a ton of bricks it,s hard dealing with lifes struggles being straight when you,re so used to blocking things out & being numb but as i said today was easier than yesterday & hopefully tommorrow will be easier again. Just checked in for a wee rant love you all you,re good people & you have no idea how much your threads have helped me check in again tommorrow luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  "UNWANTED FRIEND" An addicts struggle A while ago i made a friend, A friend i,ll now know until the end, She looked at me oh so smug, And said i,ve met another mug, Someone else to put under my spell, Someone else to take to Hell! Her name it was the mistress H, Laughing at me right to my face, I thought that i could control her, Oblivious to her power, Once she had me in her grip, She said she,d never let me slip, Every day sinking more, Feeling like a dirty whore, She,d numb my feelings set me free, While taking away my liberty, Taking away my every thought, The bad feelings they,d all rot, Not knowing what was in front of me, Pain that,ll last for eternity, I,d go to her and beg and cry, And ask of her to cut all ties, She,d laugh at me and say no chance, I,ve led you on a merry dance, Through my veins she gladly went, Making me feel so content, Taking all my misery, So i thought stupid me, Then one by one my veins collapsed, Losing my legs was on the cards, No matter just how fast i,d run, She,d chase me down having fun, Not content to have my soul, Taking my life her ultimate goal, Then one day i turned my back, For three years now free of smack, Yet every day is still a fight, She,s pulling hard with all her might, Letting me feel the guilt and shame, For joining in her life long game, I can never say i won,t go back, On my arms and legs lasting tracks, Always feeling the pain of shame, to many friends lost too many to name, But every day away from her, She loses a little bit of her power, No more dancing no more playing, As in the background she,s always waiting, So hear my warnings loud and clear, The mistress H you,d better fear, Labelled now for life with shame, For playing such a dangerous game, A game that nearly took my life, Everyday eternal strife, Of her grip for now i,m free, But i often see her staring back at me, So now i take life day by day, And pray i,ll never look her way, Glad at last to be free, Vur never doubt she shadows over me!!! just a wee rhyme to let you know of my daily struggle big love to you all pam xoxo
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  StellaFreemanposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  That is just incredible - I do hope you post it all over the web it really is worth publishing.
  Very good wishes and strength to you, Pam
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Thanks so much Stella it,s one way to express my feelings if i,m having a bit of a struggle & just wanted to share it with people that would understand the daily stuggles recovering addicts & alcoholics go through. It,s a daily fight & 1 i,m not willing to give up. Your kind words made me feel so good about something i,d done something i,m not very good at. Look forward to talking to you again luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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yaknowwhatposted 13 years ago
I want to say bless you all in what ever place you are in your recovery . You are brave , stronger than you know , and full of courage .
thank you for all you share and remember the best is yet to come
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preyposted 13 years ago
Stella thanks for the support

and

yaknowwhat

your kind words mean a great deal by the way

I am a recovering addict and my name is actually lyricsingray

have a safe 24 everyone

kimberly
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
Stella thanks for the support

and

yaknowwhat

your kind words mean a great deal by the way

I am a recovering addict and my name is actually lyricsingray

have a safe 24 everyone

kimberly
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  hi kimberly thanks for taking the time out a couple of days ago when i was having a bad one as i said i was lucky i had someone coming out to see me that day, but your kind words moved me to tears i,ve read a few of your threads old & new & you truly are a trouper keep going girl !!! & thanks again for your words of kindness, just knowing someone understands you goes a very long way luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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Non-offensiveUserposted 13 years ago
Check out this video. It kinda says it all....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MbbBYalam8
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  OMG soohh powerful that was me just discovering how to watch the videos & was moved to tears, tears that actually hurt because they come from the heart. The pain was shown so clearly & the song A f**kingmazing. Reminded me of when i was lying in the phsyciatric ward coming of heroine & the loneliness i felt. Loved your video bloody loved it sooh many good souls on this site just wish others could see past our adiction as that,s what it is as we,re in life long recovery God i love you all, you get me luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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strutzasposted 13 years ago
Yeah! I believe that the recovery is hardest thing to do, its a long time process.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Recovery is a llife long battle NO DOUBT!!! Sadly you need to cut ties with people still using & some of them think you think it,s because you,re better than them that,s not the case you just need to love them from afar as you got preserve youself. xoxo
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Non-offensiveUserposted 13 years ago
This video I was looking for but couldn't find earlier. It is much better in my opinion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr_5_MdjAqg
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
Well, this video is me in the ends of my actual drug usage. It is a snapshot into the life and loneliness and pain often married with mental illness as we dive into the gates of Insanity.

Why a video of actual drug use and expose myself in such a way? Because despite the people here who have mocked me I believe in this set of 4 awareness videos that god willing it will reach, even just one, addict, and they will get the message they are not alone, nor do they have to be.

Please use discretion as all drug usage and blood is real.

I am sober now, recovery is possible,

Just not alone

Bless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDYfEfbr2W8
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  Non-offensiveUserposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Wow, that is some video. I know that you've been through a lot, but seeing the pictures just brings it home.
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  kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  thanks for watching it my friend
  
  you have a good soul
  
  cheers
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  Non-offensiveUserposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Thanks, so do you.
  
  By the way, do you know who I am, or should I say, who I may have been in a past life?
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Af**kingmazing... loved it!!! loved it !!!loved it!!! should be shown in schools as a warning that,s the problem politicians etc. wasnt to sweep the problem under the carpet after all we,re just wasters aren,t we !!! No !!!we,re not we,re good people that had mental health problems or have had sh**t thrown at us in life that we couldn,t cope with & the only way we could cope was to block it all out big love to you all & hope to speak again real soon You,re all AMAZING people & i love you all pam xoxo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hi kimberly watched your video & oh my God you,re video is sooh sooh powerful. Made me think back to when i was in the physciatric ward & my care bear thought it was funny to sit at the bootom of my bed ( i was on constant observation) & sing when the drugs don,t work. Ha bloody ha while all the time bragging that he was taking exstacy & hash at the weekend !!! whaer did ge think i started but he was so much better than me not. I stay in a small town in Scotland & you don,t really hear of chrystal meth i,d need to drive about 30 miles to get it, but you can get crack no problem, i took crack for about 6 months thinking i didn,t have a habit, but that was just masking 1 addiction with another i thought i could sleep coming of crack ha ha i was left with drug phsycosis scarey stuff, so volatile so full of rage !!! over here we call meth methadone which doctors diagnose willy nilly giving people a worse addiction than they did with heroine as the methadone seaps right through your bones & is harder to come off of than heroine. I know a lot of people find God a very touchy subject & contrevertial but the last time i went in to the phsyciatric ward 2 christians came up to see me & attended meetings where recovering addicts would give their testamony & i found solace in them the same as i find solace in this site. So i,ve got to praise the people that helped me through my recovery & i found God but a lot of people think differently i don,t preach & let people make their opinion, but kimberly i praise you sooh much i,m sorry for rambling but i just wanted to share a bit with you as you are a strong woman & i look up to you & everyone on this site KUDOS to you all & keep up the good work & God Bless you all luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  kimberly you,re amazing girl !!! you,re video was so pwerful i was sobbing & i mean sobbing i find so much solace in all your threads keeep up the good work people & don,t let others drag you down with shame, shame they inflict on us,shame we,re trying to get rid of you,re all amazing & a true insperation love you all pam xoxox
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defenestratethisposted 13 years ago
Its a cliche'..but lets face it, Life is what we make it, whether we're in recovery from addiction or not.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Yeah life is what you make it but don,t you think sharing is good, good for those in the start of recovery & anywhere in recovery the video you watched was sooh bloody powerful how could you not have been moved to tears, how could you not feel her pain, don,t you think if more people saw these videos before they used for the 1st time it might put others off from picking up in the 1st place. Are you human ? Do you have a heart ? then be like everyone else on this site don,t juge help !!! If people reach out be there for them don,t tell them their a cliche !!! Maybe you,re in a great place in recovery but some of us aren,t so have a heart & be kind luv,n,stuff pam x
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
I have a very strong need [want] to clarify a few things without getting into the "but this happened to me" references.

I am Kimberly, a recovering IV Heroine and Cocaine 24 year daily drug addict, In Recovery. Recovery is many things for many people. It doesn't matter what the dude next to me does to stay clean. Cause if he's staying clean, he's got a shot of not just staying alive but to live.

At the end of the day, in my disease of drugs and alcoholism, married with mental illness is just the cards I was dealt. So I do my best to play my hand. Is everyday a struggle? No. But everyday is a risk.

But I always remember 3 things; one; this disease is fatal if I go back to using, so my challenge is not to pick up to day, at 20- years clean the mental obsession and physical addiction are our challenges, and a bitch

two=if I don't keep my daily life simple, I don't want to be clean. I don't want to be obsessed with myself all the time [or more than I need to]

which leads me to my last point

at the end of the day it's irrelevant, why? Because it's not about me.

Those in recovery will understand this, and those that don't, it's cool, cause you don't need to.

I am angry at myself not having been near the forums lately I did not see Pam posting her pain in without doubt so others felt less alone, that, and the need to be heard, just validated.

Pam, I say now, you keep the fire in your heart, compassion in your soul and desire in your goals. Your going to help a great deal of people I hope you do read this, because my friend you too are not alone.

I promise to check this thread once a day.

Let's hope it remains what it should be but please

but please with some humor

You have to laugh

Our behaviors are truly ridiculous

And that's what makes us, us.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Kimberly in the last thread i wrote that you thought i had all the answers but i now think you were talking to the person that wrote the thread before mine. Like you my addiction comes hand in hand with mental health problems problems magnified a million times now that i an clean. Also i have moved back top my old home town & know that i could make a phone call & score within 5 minutes. I was at church yesterday which i Love & has been a huge help in my recovery, i know it,s not for everyone so i don,t force my opinions on everyone !!! I,m taking 1 day at a time just now & feel lost, i,m reaching out for help in this darkness as i write this i am blinded with bloody tears as i promise you kimberly the last thing i claim to know is all the answers, i don,t know if i word things wrongly or what but i,m fighting every day the same as everyone else, i came back from church yesterday so uplifted & today i feel like i,ve been hit with a sledge hammer i feel nothing but pride for you kimberly, you have no clue of how much of an insperation you are your words are spoken with true love & compassion something i,ve not had a lot of in my life, in the next few months i,ve to start councelling for my past abuse & berievement & i don,t know if that is helping the cravings along sooh nicely but i,m scared kimberly scared that i wont be able to deal without some sort of help to mask it all i ask is that you & others help me keep my strenght & faith have a blessed & sober day everyone luv,nstuff pam xoxo
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
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lorlie6posted 13 years ago
Hi all! (Kimberly in particular)-I'll have 2 years sober on June 24th and am worried about something. I haven't had any 'urges' to drink or use, but I am thinking about drinking more than I have during my sobriety. Ever. They are fleeting thoughts, but they're there, nonetheless. I should probably go to a meeting, but haven't attended AA in around a year-the meetings in my small town are quite 'cliquish,' if you know what I mean. Of course you do, I mean, people in recovery are prone to the same BS as any group of human beings. But I developed some serious resentments and really don't want to face these women. Women are the worst in my group, and it's been nasty, nasty stuff.
Anyway, does anyone have a suggestion?
You know, just writing this is making me feel stronger, so thanks for being there.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hey lorie6 like you i come from a small clique town where everyone knows everyones business, you are 2 years sober please don,t give in don,t give up the fight be proud of what you,ve achieved. I to am going through cravings just now i moved away to get clean 3 years ago & achieved this but i moved back to ny home town 3/4 weeks ago & know how easy it would be for me to get my hands on my chosen poison i have been suffering withdrawal pains (phsychosmatic i know) but real to me, i don,t know if you have sober friends or a close family, i REALLY hope you do i,ve read your past threads lorie & like kimberly on days when i,ve struggled i,ve looked at them & they,ve got me through another day !!! So realise that you,ve helped other people making you a good person like kimberly you have a beautiful soul, certain times of the year are harder than others but try & keep yourself busy & know that if you want to talk i check in everyday & would be glad to give you all of my contact numbers & address even if you just want to vent or someone to ramble on with know that you are not alone in this disease that tries to destroy our hearts & souls know that others will help you & more importantly HEAR YOU !!! OPlease stay strong sweetheart you,ve come sooh far God Bless you & cover you in his mercy (not preaching) luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
Lorlie,

first congrats and second its normal to feel 'magnified' coming up to a birthday

However, we know it is those resentments that take us back out and eventually kill us.

Girl, you know you have to rid of them, and I even bet they are manifesting physically as well

But guess what your not alone, in these emotions or this damn sucking hating, mother of a disease.

we know our options, you have to give it away to get freedom from self

I don't know if you pray or have a higher power, a priest sponsor or sober friend

But I swear to you if it means helping you through this please use me. I need no names and only what you feel safe with but I am suggesting to check in with me once a day and slowly rid those resentments

I know you know they are poison, at your own speed, in a way you feel safe trust in someone you can talk to

PLEASE

Reach out

You can only feel better and you I swear are not alone

e mail me if u need to

I just suck at timely responses LMFAO but you already knew that

Do it to move forward, my god you have come so far.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Kimberly when you check in could you please please let me know that you read my last 2 threads where i have made a huge apology to you about a total misunderstanding my brain is fried just now with cravings, my periods & other s**t that is private, your opinion means a lot to me & i cannot stress this enough i came on this site after reading past threads of yours & realising that other peole get me & my illness. You are an extremely strong person the lenght of time you,ve beeen sober is a testament to that, i need people like you & others on this site as you are all helping me understand my illness more & more everyday even if i am treading water at the moment. Yet again i apologise Kimberly & thank you sooh much for your praise it meant a lot to me !!! As i,ve said in other threads my past makes me believe that anything bad is my fault !!! I know in my heart that this is not true but getting my heart & mind to work in sync just now just doesn,t seem to be happening & i am so self concieous that if someone doesn,t say hello to me i think that i,ve done something to offend them knowing fine well that i haven,t it turns out to be something as simple as they haven,t seen me.SO PLEASE PLEASE kimberly accept my apology in the honest gesture that it is made self blameare yet more symptoms of my disease again phscosis. luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  I WANT THAT SHIRT!! Hey, people, thanks for your responses. Kimberly-I hope it's really okay to email you, after all, I haven't been the best of friends to you in the past, but that whole episode is something I regret. Anyway, I was wrong to doubt you, and am truly sorry for doubting you.
  Anyway, thanks, all, for your help. Selrach, you're right, I do need to slow down. Mental tricks are being played everywhere in my alcoholic brain. I really look forward to your card! Thanks.
  It's been a long time since I've visited this thread, but am I glad I did.
  This is one helluva meeting!
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  kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  just e mail me wanker
  
  lol
  
  don't remember a thing ya drunk
  
  love you
  
  I'm always here
  
  always have been
  
  wanker
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selrachposted 13 years ago
Hi Lorlie.

Congrats on your sobriety.I will be sober 1 year on 12th july.

Sometimes I have quite vivid dreams about drinking,but hey it was part of my life for over 40 years with at least 20 of these alcoholicly.

You know the answers slow down and remember it is one day at a time.Our mind will always play tricks with us but you know other hubbers are here on this thread to support you,and as you said you feel stronger just for posting.

I will send you a card on this thread for your second birthday
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
Kathy Nation, in her 20's wanted to be a film director even just one year ago.

I have worked with film directors worldwide having been a broadcast producer for some 20 years myself.

Long story short I stumbled upon this video namely SLIDE by kathy

Talent of this magnitude creatively is beyond rare. Only to find out IT WAS HER FIRST VIDEO!!!!!!!!

I premiered it in a hub from my previous account and it warrants being featured here as well,

Viewer discretion is advised, actual drug use and a very emotional ride on the inside's really that create an addicts outside,

Her quote is [perfect and says it all as it kills more and more addicts;

kathynation — February 09, 2010 — Whatever you do to escape reality seems great, until you turn around and realize it has become your reality and there is nothing else.

[;ease remember this is a true demonstration of the battle an addict goes through, with sadly ending in death

kathy is making a difference. Keep going girl!!!!!!!!!!!

Presenting Slide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOTWiNhjWeo
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H.C Porterposted 13 years ago
cant stop thinking-but my thoughts jump around to 101 different random things/ so i have yet to achieve one complete task today. (and they say what about sobriety? it gives you focus? hmmm????)
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  sometimes our thoughts do all get jumbled in to one & it,s a struggle to focus when i have days like that i have to leave notes all over the house to remind what i,m meant to be doing wherever i am l.o.l but hey it works for me. I,ve said this before & i truly do believe it doctors & other people in general think that addicts are stupid but the majority of them are extremely clever & talented & the real problem is that we think too much & our past abuse of substances whatever they are is down to the fact that we don,t know how to switch of or tune out from our own brains, i hav eno answer of how to stop your mind from wandering but write a list of things you have to do & tick them off one by one or take a day out & write down how you,re feeling & what,s upsetting you, have a good cry or just scream at the top of your lungs but don,t worry about not being able to focus tommorrow might be different, i hope it is try & chill 7 i,ll check in later on & if you want to chat i,ll give you my phone number or address anything to help we all have our dipsy days don,t beat yourself up about it luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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  H.C Porterposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Last night was a sleepless night-so I started to sort through the collection of junk I have in boxes and folders around my desk-so all in all-I would say that I am focusing with more ease- and am much less frantic and spastic today than I was yesterday.
  How do you tell the world to stop and wait-you cant handle anything else or anyone else demanding something from you, without being rude, and without sounding like you are searching for pity due to your frustrations.
  Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs-
  "I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN AND MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT I WAS CAPABLE OF DOING/ CUT ME A BREAK AND BACK OFF"
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  OMG you could be me !!! I too have a huge assertiveness problem which on many occassions reduces me to tears, if i say no to someone 5 minutes later i phone them & tell them to come & get what they need from me or want me to do, i,ve been told by my phhysciatrist & partner that i need to toughen up but this is 1 thing that i just cannot seem to do, this again FOR ME boils down to guilt the guilt of letting myself & others down for sooh long H.C Porter please do not beat yourself up about this. I PROMISE you are not alone in thos plight doing your best is all you can do & others have got to realise this i am laughing at myself writing this as i need to learn how to do this myself, it,s because you have a big heart that you cannot say know & it,s human beings natural instincts to prey on our weakness. I know this 1st hand as i,m owed in well over £150 & yet i still give the people that owe me the money a loan of more money as i just CANNOT say no !!! It,s horrible & i know you are not seeking self pity, but think on this think how strong you are by being sober by giving in to the illness that took your life for sooh long. You,re stronger than you know you just have a big heart & there,s nothing wrong with that. Over the last week i,ve tirned my phone off so that noone can ask me for anything then i cannot feel the guilt of saying no, i know it,s not always that easy but tackle 1 task at a time & i,m sooh very glad that your thoughts are less jumbled today i,m glad you managed to gather your thoughts if even just for a little while, but i,m sorry you had a sleepless night, i hope from the bottom of my heart that your cravings go away a.s.a.p as i myself are struggling with them just now & thay,s hard enough without other people making demands from you. Please forgive me for rambling on but your thread just reminded me of myself so much, i don,t wallow or want others to feel pity for me i just want them to realise that my disease is hard enough without their added pressure, please keep up the hard work hunni & may each day get easier for you if you want my address or number or just someone to vent to please get in touch BIG LOVE sent your way pam xoxo
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Kerkedijkposted 13 years ago
I am a recovering alcoholic sober 25 years one day at a time. I just hand my life over daily - not sure to what but I try to put it out of my hands! Living sober is wonderful, it is worth the pain because there is nothing worse than the obsession of drink. I was young when I got to AA and thought my life was over but it had only just begun. I feel lucky to have been able to learn so much from those that shared their experience strength and hope with me to help me get sober. it was a university of life for me. I learned so much in AA and very often after the meetings when having a cup of tea and chat. It took time but I love knowing that I am responsible for my life, for everything I do and say and also for how I feel. I am brutally honest with me and once we dare to look inwards and start there, we are then in a position to reach out for help and move on one minute at a time and over time, you will see how much better life is without drink/drugs. I like to go out and enjoy life - even in the pub but I just don't drink. It took time to get to this point but it is possible to do everything in life now except pick up a drink and its great!
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Kerkedijk sooh glad to hear that you,re in such a happy place in your recovery i love reading in peoples threads how well they are doing. I,m a recovering heroine addict & everyday is a struggle but one worth going through as when i reach aplace where i,m as happy & confident as you i know it will all have been worth while, my husband is a recovering alcoholic he also has 3 years under his belt & my pride for him knows no bounds, he says he gave up drink for me as i was at his house 1 night & he had a couple of cans & got that arrogant way he did when he was drunk i also got that way but was a social drinker, anyway he was cheeky & i asked him to phone me a taxi which he didn,t but he did pour his remaining cans down the sink hence he says he gave up drink for me but no one can give up addiction for another person we,ve all got to really want to do it for ourselves & i remind him of that all the time & hope that 1 day he will feel the pride for himself that i do for him but this is a double edged sword where i give him huge respect for his acheivement i,ve yet to give myself the same respect for acheiving what i have !!! They say 2 addicts can,t live together & i honestly believe if we had the same addiction we couldn,t but we didn,t so we can now support each other daily through pure love & respect for each other sorry for rambling 7 once again Kudos to you on finding such a good place in your recovery i am genuinly happy for & proud of you luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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selrachposted 13 years ago
Congrats Lorlie6 on your 2nd year sober wishing you many more to come.

I still can,t figure out how to put pictures in forum post so sorry no card
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  selrachposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  
  Cracked the photo thing
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lorlie6posted 13 years ago
Thanks SO much selrach-you're a peach! Really.
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  the clean lifeposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Now having my sobriety back into my life, I realize that there is no better high then to be sober and see everything in life as it should be seen.
  Everyone in recovery stay strong and we will all have a happier and Healthier life ahead of us. Believe and you will Achieve!
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  You're so right, the clean life! It's an awesome thing.
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  ...a funny looking peach, but a peach nonetheless.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Really Really struggling just now folks !!! Just can,t seem to get this bitch off of my back !!! I,m not a good sleeper at the best of times only get 3 to 4 hours but last night i was up & i swear i had leg cramps, stomach cramps & my head waas like a melted wellie !!! It was as if i could think of one thing 7 one thing only !!! I,m going to church & staying arround sober people so why is she like a monkey on my back just now !!! I can get through the days as long as i,ve got sober people to talk to but the nights are bad the nightmares, the sweats, the bloody craving !!! I don,t understand why it,s sooh bad just now i,ve not touched the stuff for over 3 years so why the bloody hell do i feel like my addiction is in full on attack mode !!! I know i,ve moved back to the town where my drug abuse started !!! & how easily i could get it but i honestly didn,t think it would affect me this badly as i don,t stay near any dealers or addicts but i know all it would take would be 1 phone call !!! I must have more inner strength than i thought as there have been a few times when my husband has been out & i,ve thought to myself i could just get it quickly he,d never know but i couldn,t let him down like that !!! Please i,m open to all suggestions to help me get over these mental & physical cravings !!! If i could just get a nights sleep i might be able to get my head together & focus on something else but as it is at the moment i,m just going through the motions to get the day by !!! Sorry for rambling on but please believe me i,m in DESPERATE need of help here please somebody give me some advise & suggestions to get this bitch off of my back !!! luv,n,stuff Pam xoxo
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hi Pam-
  I've not followed your addiction throughout the forum, but I guess they're all alike, eh? It sounds to me like you need to MOVE, girl. You know, at night when everything is flying through your head-get writing, get cleaning the damned house, ANYTHING to keep your head busy. And off how close that f*** phone is.
  You know, most addicts/alkies don't mind calls in the middle of the night if you need to talk it out. I don't know if you have a 'program' or anything, but FIND someone, or write here!
  Do Take Good Care Of Your SELF!!!!
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  lorie thanks sooh much for listening & answering me when i don,t sleep i write things down so i don,t wake the full house up ... I truly am in a predicament just now it,s as if i,m in a choke hold !!! & i,m angry ... angry for allowing her the power to try & pull me backwards !!! I sat earlier & read my diary over the last 4 weeks & i don,t know what triggered of this onslaught i,m at a loss ... I,m the only person out of my group of friends who,s actually recovered lorie the rest are still in their own personal hell or dead ... So i don,t really have anyone to turn to at night ... Whenever i,m on this site no one else seems to be on it,s as if i check in at the wrong time everyday ... but i do get strength from reading past threads that people have wrote !!! Thank you for your advice but mostly thank you for caring enough to reply !!! i have a good phsyciatrist & i text him today for an emergancy appointment maybe i just need to dump some of the garbage that is frying my brain !!! That said & enough about me i,ll plod on & stay strong & get through this predicament one way or another ... i so wished i,d checked in earlier to speak to H.C my heart goes out to her & her family & i hope she stays stong as she,s done so well ... bless you H.C love to you !!! lorie once again thank you for taking the time out of your day for me & i will keep writing & keeping myself busy & hope this attack is just a short one !!! luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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  the clean lifeposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hi Pam,
  Those demons will hount you forever if you let them, believe me I know. What I have done is try really hard to keep your self busy,physically and Mentally. Try to think of a dream and a goal that you want to conquer along with your addiction. Surly stay away from places that have alcohol, etc. Keep your stength up and stay positive knowing that you are a stronger person than those horrible demons. I know it's so hard too do, but keep thinking about your husband and family and all the wonderful things you will have being sober 24/7. If the tempation is too strong maybe you should consider moving away from those how use. I lost all my so called friends when I surrendered, but were they really true friends,"NO" no they were not. They just wanted to be with me as we all suffered together with oour addictions. There are new friends we can meet and new adventures we can do and just life life clean. I.m proud of you for your accomplishment so far, we need to just think of a way to get you to sleep and finally get those monkeys off your back forever.
  Writing here in the forums and new Hubs does help with my therapy and gets everything that has been bottled up in us for so long. Keep writing and keep thinking of were and what you really need and want in life and then just go for it. You can't go wrong. I' selling everything I own and moving onto a large boat in Florida. I lived on one before and it was great. It's my dream and my goal in life now and being sober the experience will be terrific. Me and the wife having a beautiful life on the sea.
  Good luck to you and if you ever need to talk we (I) are only a click away.
  Mark
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H.C Porterposted 13 years ago
My grandmother died this morning at 830am... I am alone in my house, sitting in the dark while it storms outside. I wish I could curl up and disappear... I am struggling today---in every way...
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Oh, I am so very sorry, H.C. How trite it is to say 'stay strong,' but I'm sure your grandmother would want you to. On the other hand, if you need to rage at the world, do. Cry and embrace the loss, if you know what I mean. Sometimes tears help so much.
  (((HUGS)))
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  H.C Porterposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  thank you lorie... I am trying...I definetly am crying and attempting to focus enought to get an article or two done for work-but struggling with that as well... I have grabbed the pack of ciggarettes-but that is all.
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Cigs might be the stress reducer that you need at the moment. Good job sticking to them.
  I'll be thinking of you today.
  Take good care.
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Oh H.C i wish i,d checked in earlier !!! i know nothing i can do or say will take your pain away !!! I wish you could feel the love i,m sending to you please do not be alone ... i promise i,ll check in every day ... & if you just need to rant or even vent feel free !!! Share your anger with the world ... let them know you,re hurting ... please stay strong your probably sick of hearing that !!! I know i was when i lost my best friend ... but no one really knows how to deal with grief ... I truly with all of my heart hope you have a close family & good people round about you at this sad time ... I wish i could take your pain away but i can,t ... so all i can offer you is someone willing to let you vent as much anger as you want at !!! My thoughts are with you H.C & may tommorrow be a little easier than today ... Bless & never feel alone all my love Pam xoxo
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
Good Morning Pam

Sorry but I had been banned for something I said in this thread

I do hope you get that doctors appointment and keep sharing

You may not realize it but sharing you are really helping other people, you just may not know it, but you are

Stay in today girl and maybe do a 10 point list today on what your grateful for, I don't know but it helps me, as hard as it is

Hope you all have a safe and good day xo

my heart and love goes to HC I love you girl and you are not alone

Lorlie, girl email me, still waiting, or I will pout!!!
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Thank you so mech Kimberly for getting in contact i really thought i,d offended you really badly with my misunderstanding & once again i,m sorry !!! I text my physciatrist & i,ve to text him on monday for an emergancy appointment ... so hopefully once i,ve off loaded on him i,ll feel a bit better & be able to focus on something else !!! As i,ve said i have no understanding of what has started this onslaught but i will fight & i will fight for my life !!! As at the end of the day that,s what it really boils down to !!! I won,t let this monkey on my back get me in such a strong choke hold that i can,t get out of ... but i just can,t seem to get it off of my back just now !!! That,s why i check in here everday even if it,s just to read threads ... But the people are all amazing & know what i,m going through so therefore can give me advice that is helpful & a couple of times just venting has got me through the day !!! Thank you people you have all got huge hearts & your words have helped me no end !!! Again Kimberly i,m sooh, sooh sorry !!! I know none of you really no me yet but if you could please just check in & give a bit of advice or reassurance over the next few days i would appreciate it so very much !!! Bless & have a good & safe day luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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H.C Porterposted 13 years ago
Well... I am still alive today-my eyes burn from all of the tears, and I hurt...it doesn’t feel real, imagining the world today when yesterday was more complete is devastating. Still at a loss for words to really express the way I am feeling-the pain associated with loss of an important influence while sobriety reminds you are still here and the circumstances are real; is hard...
Thanks Lorie, Pam and Kim...I hope you all are well, I wrote a hub for the three of you unique ladies last week...I know that Lorie was able to read it, if either you Pam or you Kim have time-love to know what you think...
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hi H.C.-I'm glad your hanging in there, hon. Loss is so f** difficult. I know I used to drink and use over loss every time. It's a real trip to try and navigate life without using anything. I loved that hub, H.C. Thanks.
  kimberly-I will, girl, thing is that I did email you a couple of weeks ago and I got on my own pity pot because you didn't write back. Maybe it got lost in all your mail. But I will write another-or you could write me! Either way, we're back in touch, and that's what really matters.
  pam-listening is what we do, right? When no one's around to help, it's up to others that UNDERSTAND the craziness to be there, Internet or however, you know? Hang in there, pam. Even though I just got my 2 years c&s, I've been going through some crazy thinking myself, and just ran into another alki yesterday who went out and drank after 9 years sober. She said it had 'Seemed like a good idea at the time.' I really get that, but I don't go to AA, so writing here means so much to me.
  Have a great 4th, all!
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  lorie you have no idea how good it feels just to know someone is listening !!! Not only listening but understanding too ... i,d like to take this opportunity to thank you for just listening & answering me ... i,m not used to such kindness ... & have huge gratitude for all the help i have received on this site !!! You are all good people & an insperation to me ... It means even more when i know you have been struggling yourself lately ... It truly humbles me as at times my faith in man kind dwindles then i find people like you & i remember why i am continuing my fight to stay clean & sober ... as i find all of your strength amazing & it gives me the shake that i need to stay strong myself !!! Again thank you for taking the time to speak & listen when you are struggling yourself !!! Stay strong & keep in touch & if i can ever help you please just let me know... luv,n,stuff Pam xoxo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  H.C i know nothing i can say will make it easier !!! I,m sorry for your pain !!! But you are here today & you are sober ... The pain of reality is hard but you,re doing it ... I truly do wish i could ease your pain ... but i can,t all i can do is lend an ear & be here anytime night or day !!! If you want i,ll give you my address or mobile number that way you,ve got someone there 24/7 !!! I don,t know how to read the hub i,m a newbie at this but if you let me know how i,d be more than happy to read it !!! Please stay strong sweetheart & take me up on my offer even if it,s just to vent & get out some anger !!! My thoughts are with you & i,ll check in everyday & yet again i hope tommorrow is easier than today has been !!! Take care H.C & big love is sent your way luv,n,stuff Pam xoxo
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
very cool Lorlie, you are a pillar of strength and a good representation of what living sober, truly sober is like to live in.

Pam keep that fight, if you find yourself exhausted, fight for us and the addict/alcoholic still suffering. No is the true miracle, when we give it back. Easy to say I know, but you are not alone. Not sure if you had heard this version of the serenity prayer. You might find it amusing, ahd, hell, useful.

ps=glad my ban is up, sorry about the absence

Italic Text
GOD
GRANT ME THE SANITY
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

author never found

HC we are so here for you and want to support you, I'd rather do that via email, write me back whenever, no pressure

You girls are really special

Have a safe 24

ODAAT
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  What's ODAAT? I can't figure out how to get it blue...duh!
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  preyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  One Day At A Time
  
  sorry about that
  
  you wanker
  
  I'm in other account because I am writing but this is kimberlyslyrics
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Oh, duh. Can you tell I haven't been to a meeting in a while?
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  karmaaposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  damn you
  
  I just peed my pants again
  
  If I was Kim that is
  
  can't keep up with you
  
  xxo
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hey karmaa-you and Kim have so much wiping up to do with your peeing problems-invest in paper towels-'both' of you!
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  l.o.l i like that version & i,d just like to say abig thank you to you, lorie & H.C you have no idea how much strength you ladies have given me just knowing you are here for me !!! Kimberly i don,t see why you should be banned i,ve always found your threads to be helpful, honest & not sugar coated !!! We all need to hear words of wisdom at times whether we agree with them of not Big love to you ladies luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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lorlie6posted 13 years ago
Morning pam! I really like that version, too-never heard that one. You sound a bit upbeat today-wonderful to read. Could it be the BBQ in store?
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hi lorie yeah i do feel a bit more up beat today !!! I don,t know why but the bitch seems to be laying off of me today ... but it,s early days ... i,m not going to focus on the negative & wonder when she,s going to creep up again i,m just going to enjoy the peace while it lasts ... BBQ i wish it,s p**sing down with rain here l.o.l !!! but i could go a kebab & that is most definately a good sign as for more than a week now i,ve had no appetite ... all signs that i,m falling into depression as i,m sure you know !!! Also i,d just like to take the chance to thank you all for listening to me & giving me such helpful advice it seems to be working & getting to know you ladies is an absolute pleasue !!! BIG THANK YOU & BIG LOVE TO YOU !!! xoxo
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H.C Porterposted 13 years ago
What a day
What a life
To attempt to stay somewhat dignified
I try & I try to look at me & fight the urges of who I use to be
I have no choice to continue this fight,
If I don't, I'm sure I will die.
Lord hear my prayers to keep me from my hell,
And help my friends & keep them all well
I can not take back all the mistakes I've made,
If I am lucky- I won't break.
Lend a hand-lend a ear to help those out who needs someone to hear.
My dear friends-who have created their own hells,
Your strength helps me continue to fight to stay well.
Bend and bounce- we no longer look for any means to escape.
Because we all know the importance of what it means, when u must struggle each and everyday.
Call out for help-
Call out to cry-
Each day I wake up and fight to stay dignified.

Hi ladies-happy 4th of july... Was just feeling a little poetic today. I hope each of you have a great day. I am listening to the maddness outside of the bedroom door, and am taking a few deep breathes before I go out there to put on a smile, and face the world. Pam-i thank you so much for being such a great support... I will email you today when I can escape. Lorie- have a beautiful day/ all my luv goes out to you. And kimmy-check ur email lady
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  H.C your poem is absolutely beautiful !!! It is sooh true to the hell you,re going through & it,s so selfless of you to think of others at this sad time ... I,ve never in my life known such compassionate loving people ... I,ve said it before people think that addicts are stupid & useless & nothing could be further from the truth if we could turn our brains off or tune out we wouldn,t have turned to the life we did to block out the c**p that life was throwing at us in the first place !!! Never ever feel alone H.C you,re not alone i can relate to your sadness as i,ve told you of my best friends death & i know that the pain is physical ... but please reach out no matter what time night or day !!! i,ll check in every day & if there is ever anything i can do i,ll do my best ... no i,ll do better than my best i,ll do it !!! ... At this sad time lonliness can be overwhelming but please believe me i understand how you feel ... I wish that there was more i could say or do but at this time words seem useless ... I truly wish you could feel the love that i,m sending your way & it comes from the depths of my soul ... stay strong H.C & don,t paint on a smile let others know that you are hurting ... If no one knows your true pain they cannot help you ... Take all the help you can just now ... You,re amazing sweetheart, you truly are i don,t know anyone in my personal life that would care about keeping others safe & strong while going through this turmoil ... it,s a pleasure getting to know you, kimberly & lorie ... yous have kept me safe over the past few days & for that i,m ever indebted !!! Please Please let me know if there,s anything other than talk i can do ... Love you H.C Stay Safe Girl luv,n,stuff PAm xoxo
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  kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  don't make me cry you two
  
  I really do hope your ok
  
  we know holidays are tough times in many ways
  
  you both probably helped some people get through it
  
  I do admire you both
  
  stay safe and have a safe 24
  ODAAT
  
  oh ya i'll check email, its been so ling
  
  thank you for your strength that helped me as i needed today
  
  ps
  laugh, find something to laugh at today, ok?
  
  K
  
  ps your right we are not alone
  
  Pam thanks for sharing too
  
  xo
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  I sent you another email, too, wanker! Better get to checkin'!
  Anyhow gals, I made it through the holiday weekend unscathed personally, but the hubby is downing beer and tequila to beat the band. Almost daily blackouts.
  But I was called on something by my son yesterday which I need to think about. He was hesitant to say this to me, but when he finally did get the courage, he told me I've gotten kind of 'snooty' since I got sober. You know, like ex-smokers get all high and mighty. I think he has a point. Has anyone else noticed this in themselves? Tendencies toward judgement and all that. I need to do some introspection.
  I need to find my humility again.
  Well, have a mahvellllous day, ladies!
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hi lorie i was talking to a friend last week who was in his 5th day of withdrawals ... while my partner knows not of the agony a heroin addict goes through during withrdrawal , the friend now 12 days clean had been working on a car for my partner for the past 4 months ... On repeated occassions he asked me to go round & sit with them but as i said my friend is only 12 days clean so was still using at the time as were 3 other people sitting in his house ... i sat down with him last week & tried to explain that far from thinking i was better than him or the others in his house but i had to preserve myself ... my cravings over the last few weeks have been sooh strong i have wept but i never picked up ... I tried to explain that he too would have to cut ties with other substance abusers not because he,s better but because in the early days temptation is bad enough without watching others using in front of you ... it still breaks my heart when i see friends in their own personal hell but i can only allow myself to talk to them for 5 minutes or my mind starsts to wander !!! So i don,t think you,re snooty lorie i think you are preserving yourself from temptation ... you give good solid advice on here & if you thought you were better you wouldn,t bother your a**e but you do ... So don,t think of yourself as snooty just think of yourself of someone who has to take care of themselves & if that means not sitting with people still trapped in whatever pain their trapped then you must do this ... Keep yourself safe girl that,s what it,s all about at the end of the day isn,t it staying safe !!! I for one find you far from snooty & think you are a kind, loving individual who cares moe for others than she truly knows !!! luv,n,stuff Pam xoxo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Kimberly i,m glad to have made your friendship, you always keep a sense of humour on something that can be so heavy ... So thank you for making me laugh on quite a few occassions now ... Yet again today my cravings have eased up a wee bit but as i said i won,t / can,t let my gaurd down as that,s when things seem to sneak in under the radar !!! I,m hoping it was just a short attack & that you 3 ladies have got me through it ... Words cannot express my gratitude to you for just listening ... You are all right sometimes it just takes for someone to hear you & underdstand you to get you through not even that day but that moment ... I had a cpn out today & explained to her about my cravings & guess what was offered prescription drugs just a quick reduction course ... but i said no & that ladies is what i want to thank you for ... instead of listening & trying to find out what was causing my attack she just wanted to come up with a quick fix & set me back 3 years !!! Anyway she,s e:mailing my physciatrist so hopefully we can work out what the initial problem was & is ... But thank you ladies before i would probably have said yes to her solution but your strength has given me strength ... Yet again i can only say i,m eternally grateful ... Please keep listening & giving me the advice i need from people inthe same position as me, not someone who went to uni & answer to everything is medication ... I bloody love you all for giving me hope in myself ... hope that i,ve never felt before ... Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me know i,m not a waste of a human being ... i,m just a human being trying to get through life & the way kimberly tells us ODAAT ... Thank you kimberly luv,n,stuff pam xoxo
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H.C Porterposted 13 years ago
So here I am-it is 5am in Texas and I am tired. I am tired of fighting for respect from someone who should respect me... Somedays I kind of feel like asking the world, "Does everyone feel this lost, tired and frustrated sometimes?" For awhile there I felt as if I had a firm grip on things and knew exactly how to handle my world...Little by little, situation to situation, I feel like I am sinking and holding onto all that I have worked for and all that I want, by bloody/broken fingernails.
Lorie-to answer the question about being snooty...I can see that in myself at times-but it isnt because I think that I am right and they are wrong---it is because I dont want to watch them fall down and I dont want to see them throw all that they have away on a substance that they are dependant on. It hurts me to see the ones that I love struggle in any sort of way...so what comes off as being snooty or snobby is more so concern for them and concern for the temptations being around me...
You should feel proud for all that you have accomplished-if you were not there would be no reason to continue to stay sober. Just make sure that you are not making the mistake that so many often make, which is to judge the ones that are in a place that you have been before.
Pam- I emailed you the link to the hub last night
Kimmy...Hope you are having a good day-I will probably be back on to check in/ in a little bit...
Good day ladies
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  H.C it saddens me to read of your fight for respect but i respect you with a capital R ... I like you plod along for a while thinking yep things are going okay ... Then life decides to bitch slap me good & bloody hard !!! But what doesn,t break us can only make us stronger & i know only to well how often this phrase is used but i truly do think that in our case this is true ... You,re hurting sooh much but you haven,t picked up ... I have so much pride for you like lorie & kimberly you have a beautiful, caring soul !!! I wish that there was more i could do to help you out of your darkness ... I felt so alone when my best friend died & the way she died hurt even more ... In steps guilt, guilt that i wasn,t there for her if circumstances had been different she would have been with me ... but i had moved, moved to save myself before i lost my life as that was how things were going ... so like you i don,t think lorie is being snooty ..i think she is doing what she needs to, to preserve herself ... My heart is with you & you have been the 1st thing i think of in the morning as i know what a lonely time you are going through just now !!! You are amazing H.C & if you ever doubt you are respected please remember this "i know it might not mean much" You are very much respected & loved from someone halfway across the world !!! Not something many people can acheive ... To say you are an insperation is an understatement ... Stay Strong & Know how much you truly are loved ...Luv,n,stuff Pam xoxo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Hi H.C checked in yesterday & again today getting worried about you hunni could you put a wee thread on to let me know you are okay & doing well !!! Maybe you,re just busy with all the arrangements that need to be made but even just a wee message to say hi i,m staying strong & i,ll check in again real soon ... Thinking of you H.C & as i said NEVER EVER feel alone luv,n,stuff Pam xoxo
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kimberlyslyricsposted 13 years ago
Good Morning Babe,

Truthfully, as far as I can tell you are right on track and finally living, which unfortunately includes all those crappy feelings that our disease is telling us to nu,b and not cope.

Hey. Know what's cool girl, you didm't pick up today, and we know what a huge miracle that is

Find the pride in this and then then gratitude

Besides, what the hell do you have to complain about, when your hot, wanker

All kidding just remember to breath and your never alone

It was so cool seeing your post first thing this morning

might be cool if i check my email

we'll open this thread on my site and only members can see it

best go work on it now

have a great day and breath, be safe

ODAAT

xo
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  pam kennedyposted 13 years agoin reply to this
  Just on for a bit of a rant today the bitch is back !!! A couple of days respite & she,s back ... been reaching out for help from the community mental health team but still waiting on them getting back to me ... Feeling quite low today ... struggling to gather my thought ... tried to read my bible & couldn,t even focus long enough to do that !!! One of my so called friends upset me yesterday ... don,t know if that,s what,s making today a little bit harder ... Basically told me that all i,m good for is a using ... came to see me to ask for a loan of money & i tried my assertiveness skills & said no ... they sat in my house for half an hour pleading ... saying it was for the kids ... when i knew it was for drugs ... in the end up they made me feel so guilty that i just gave in, i must say with an extremely heavy heart ... The minute that they had the money in their hand they told me that ther reason that they came to the house & never asked me over the phone was because i CAN say no over the phone ... but if they get me face to face there,s no way on this earth that i can say no !!! So basically at the end of the day all i,m good for is using ... that hurts especially when they know that i,d die for there children ... so using them as an excuse to get money from me is really low ... as when it comes to gettting my money back i feel as if i,m taking the food out of their childrens mouths ... Also found out another so called friend slept with my partner of 13 years when i was with him !!! Even if i have been away from him over 3 years as he couldn,t stop using drugs when i did !!! ... He brought up my daughter for 13 years & she called him dad ... I could never do this to a friend it,s just unimaginable to me ... So basically over the lat 2 days i,ve found out 2 more people i classed to be really, really close friends have shown their true colours ... & proved what i thought all along that they are only out for what they can get from me & have absolutely no respect for me whatsoever !!! It,s at times like these that i remember how weak i am & this makes me hate myself ... as i must be a really pitiful excuse fro a human being that people think they have the right to walk all over the top of me ... & know for a fact that i will forgive them !!! So yeah the bitch is back chasing me ... but by just venting i,ve just realised why !!! Why can,t i just say no & stick to it ? ... Why can,t i toughen up ? ... Why do i let others use me ? ... Time to take some action on being assertive !!! Can someone please tell me how to say no without the guilt of doing it !!! HI H.C, lorie & Kimberly hope you,re all safe & well luv,n,stuff Pam xoxo
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H.C Porterposted 13 years ago
Oh Pam...I am so sorry that you have found out that friends are not true friends. I know how much that can hurt. Part of me wants to say...find these people...and hurt them, but then the logic in me comes in and says...No, you are better than that. Your choice to change makes you better than the cheating and manipulation. True friends and true love does not manipulate and cause fear or pain nor does it cheat. As much as I wish I can tell you what you should do, I don’t know for sure-all I can think to suggest is, turn and walk from those who have betrayed-if you can not, proceed with extreme caution. People such as the ones you have described should be examined closely for sincerity in all that they speak.
I hope you have been able to stay strong and I hope you can pull some strength from the experience. I know this must be a trying and hurtful time for you-my thoughts are with you and if you need a shoulder or an ear-please know that it is available for your use.
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beckipollockposted 13 years ago
Im so excited to find a group of like minded folks
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  lorlie6posted 13 years agoin reply to this
  We are definitely 'here' for you, beckipollock! Welcome to HubPages, too. This thread has had quite a long life-I guess since a lot of us are in the same situation.
  Don't be shy on this thread-especially-because there are lots and lots of folks who understand addiction here.
  Again, welcome!
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the clean lifeposted 13 years ago
Congrats to everyone that has conquered their addiction. Being sober one day at a time is the trick in my opinion. Just take it a day at a time and before we know it, it will be a week and then a month and first thing we know it has been one year. Beating an addiction is something to be so proud of , I know I'm proud of myself, and everyone in this forum should be too.

There is nothing like waking up in the morning and feeling great and refreshed. If you are having a hard time with your recovery process DON'T be embarrassed of it, ask for the help that will get your through is journey.
God bless all of you!
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