Addicts helping Addicts

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   lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

   Through Recovery we can live in a solution that offers peace and serenity, one day at a time.  But we cannot do this alone.  No one can.  Recovery is primarily about addicts helping addicts with sharing and non-judgmental support.  It is that recipe of hope, strength and courage that gives us the tools to stay clean.  Not without trials and tribulations.  Recovery is also about learning and re-thinking our behaviors and finding new coping mechanisms.
   
   My name is Kimberly, I am a recovering 24 year IV Heroin and Cocaine addict and have enormous consequences as a result.  The longer I am clean the clearer my thinking is and the sharper my mind 'works'
   
   I have a website for addicts and alcoholics that deals with recovery and try to write here about the disease of addiction and alcoholism as much as I can.
   
   To the newcomer coming into recovery, take what feels right and leave the rest.  No twwo addicts live the same solution and not everyone is correct.  Do what's good for you.
   
   Give it a shot, it works if you work it, so work it,your worth it.........12 step program of narcotics anonymous.
   
   Your not alone.  You don't have to be any more.
   
   Cheers.

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      Beth100posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Kimberly,
      
      "Together we are stronger,
      Alone we are not."
      
      Sometimes, that's all we need, a gentle reminder that we are not alone. 
      
      The Serenity Prayer in it's original format was written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971).  It has been suggested that he wrote this with his daughter.
      
      The Prayer was anonymously rewritten and adopted by AA.  The Serenity Prayer, as known through AA, is as follows (in it's entirety):
      
      God grant me the serenity
      to accept the things I cannot change;
      courage to change the things I can;
      and wisdom to know the difference.
      
      Living one day at a time;
      Enjoying one moment at a time;
      Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
      Taking, as He did, this sinful world
      as it is, not as I would have it;
      Trusting that He will make all things right
      if I surrender to His Will;
      That I may be reasonably happy in this life
      and supremely happy with Him
      Forever in the next.
      Amen.
      
      I hope that you don't mind me posting this, as I have encountered many people who have inquired about its origins, as well as how it is written in its entirety.
      
      God speed Kimberly.
      
      

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         lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Beth, your awesome, thank you, others will really appreciate this too. Thanks again, K.

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            lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Love knowing the whole prayer, thanks.

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      CheriLuvsUposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you so much for the invite, I haven't been on this hub thing for long and I am still learning everyday a little more. I had no idea I would be so welcome considering I am a recovering addict as well. I beieve that when us addicts get together we have a bond right off the bat that most people take years to build! I am Cherilyn an addict & alcoholic, clean for 4 months and happier every monemt I am clean.
      
      My strength also comes from the SERENITY PRAYER, it's s my way out when triggers hit or I see an old stranger, even when I drive through an awkward part of town or when I am just having a bad day and want to pick up. It hasn't let me down yet and I intend to say/use/repeat it as long as I need to.
      
      GOD, GRANT US THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS WE CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS WE CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!
      God Bless you all....

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         lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Cheri, welcome welcome welcome and thank you for the serenity prayer, I needed that before I zzzzz soon to bed.  So glad your here.  This is our home to feel safe,share and get nuts and laugh a whole lot.  I can already tell your an awesome addition,
         God Bless,
         Kimberly

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            lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Hi, Cheri-hope you come again! 
            Happy zzzzz's, Kimberly!

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      Revive@OwnRiskposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      My addiction wasn't substance abuse. It's more like love, or the lack of it, looking everywhere for it. This seems like a good, supportive group. Just want to add my voice and say hi. Looking forward to thought provoking insights from lots of your.
      
      Thanks.

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         lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Big welcome Revive, yes, it's a great group only very scattered in our timings.  Love is powerful, especially the need or in search for it.  Your one of us now, cyberhome if you will, so glad your here, please keep coming back
         xo
         Kimberly 

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      cheaptrickposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Question!...Are people f#%ked in the head so they turn to Drugs,or,do people do Drugs and get f#%cked in the head?I too was married to the White Queen...peace...

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         lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Cheaptrick,
         
         I wish I knew the answer to that question, even if just for myself.  I'm sorry you fell victim to the repercussions of this disease of drugs and alcoholism.  If you can get some relief, know she is not bad, but sick.
         
         I t however, does not excuse her behavior and addicts hurt everyone around them, but mostly themselves, unaware of either until we hit rock bottom. You can always message me from my profile page with any questions or just to vent.
         
         You aren't alone, nor do you have to be.
         
         Bless, thanks for coming by, hope you come back.
         
         Kimberly

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      theglobalspiritposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      You rock girl! Keep going and it's great that you are helping others.
      
      We are your fans
      
      Stacey & Bobby

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         lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         I hope you mean my fans cause I'd be thriiiiiiiiiled!  The other addicts here are mid-fan worthy. lol
         
         Welcome and Bless, great photo, keep coming back!
         Kimberly

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      mea09posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      My name is maria and I am a alcholic and addict and i have been clean ad sober for 3 yrs and 7 0r 8 months and it feels good to be that way and i have work my steps more than 1 once and may do it again.

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      jess can help uposted 15 years agoin reply to this

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      ddsurfscaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I am also an addict of 30 yrs.  I have tried the steps, which did not work at all in my case, for it only made me think of what I was leaving behind, which I guess meant that I really wasn't ready to leave it behind.  I have also been on and off Methadone programs, which was a working solution for me.
      I have to agree with the fact that everyone is differant, and each individual must find his or her own working solution.
      One thing I did find in every case though, is that the only working cure to addiction is substitution. Regardless of what you substitute it with, whether it be another substance, God, or shopping, find something and use it.  It is in this manner, and some self hypnosis, that I have successfully stopped using heroin, cocaine, alcohol, and cigarettes.
      Good Luck to each of you, it is not a losing battle, just perservere.  Do not give up.  If you mess up, just keep going.  Love to you all.

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         lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Welcome, ddsurfsca, and I hope you keep coming here!  We're not perfect on this forum, none that I know of!  
         I am having a hard time with the steps, too, and a friend loaned me a book, "Many Roads, One Journey" which might be of interest to you.  It's by Charlotte Kasl and it's subtitle is "...Moving Beyond the 12 Steps."  I have enjoyed it so far and hope it speaks to you, as well.
         Oh, and HEY, THERE to all my favorite drinkers and druggers in the world!

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      Himitsu Shugishaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      This is the most refreshingly honest post I have seen on this site thus far. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you and your journey. Cheers!!

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         lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks, Himitsu-This is quite a group...Come back, the door's always open!

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         lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Himitsu you are a good soul, come join the crazy fun that makes no sense and thank you

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       nikki1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Bonding with family and people who care about you can help you as well. Knowing you made a mistake and learned from it. If you made mistakes along the way damage control is also important.  Forgiving yourself is also important. Moving on and the steps to doing so. Also realizing you are also human.

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          lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Hey, nikki-I've found self-forgiveness to be one of the most difficult things to achieve in sobriety.
          Good to see you here!
          Hey, Wendi!

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             nikki1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Have lots of "YOU" days. Listen to inspiring music. Taking deep breathes in and out.

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       MysticRulerposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       While recovering from an addiction is a hard long road, the first step can be the hardest. Here, Kimberly, you established the first step by talking about it, I hope your website helps many people.
       
       Best wishes,
       Mystic~

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   Wendi Mposted 15 years ago

   My name is Wendi, and I'm right there with you Kimberly.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Bless you Wendi,this is going to be a really cool forum and a hoot I can just feel it, cheers girl

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         Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Maybe you can remind me to draw from the "Serenity Prayer" if you notice me getting edgy online.  I'm very good at using just about every tool in the program, but I always need to be reminded that I'm carrying one of the easiest ones of all in my heart..."The Serenity Prayer."

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            lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Let's do it now, this is our recovery and I need it too.....'we'll do the we version'
            
            GOD, GRANT US THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS WE CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS WE CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, author unknown
            
            Wendi,don't know if you've heard this one but I loved it they replaced 'serenity' with 'sanity'  Just loved that and thanks I needed that  whew

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               Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               LOL, thank you...I tried it and I liked it.  Sanity and Serenity could almost be interchangeable.

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                  lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  LOL

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   yoshi97posted 15 years ago

   Sometimes the best help comes from those who have already been there and back ...

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Yoshi, your always so wise, so glad your here

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      preyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      just happened to read this again and find myself so grateful for so many supportive posts.
      
      Having said that [thanks yoshi]  where the heck is Pam Lorlie, Drifter? and Wendy and the rest of you nuckleheads?
      
      hmmmm......
      
      I hope your having a good day 
      
      Have a safe 24
      
      ODAAT
      
      Kimberly or prey

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   Lady_Eposted 15 years ago

   Well done Kimberly, I'm sure the website will help lots of people.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I hope so sweet pea, glad your here

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   ryankettposted 15 years ago

   My name is Ryan, and I havent had a cigarette for about 20 days.... and that is bleedin hard enough!
   
   On a serious note, I was once a big user of soft drugs (basically I smoked weed from waking up to falling asleep) and occassionally harder drugs before I stopped immediately. Took me 18 months to feel normal again.... so cant imagine what addiction to so called harder drugs is like.
   
   Good luck with it.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Ryan, so glad you were able to quit before the insanity hit.  God Bless.

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      lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Keep at it, Ryan, cigarettes are harder than anything on earth-I quit for 3 months this summer, wrote a hub about my urges, and damn if I didn't start again.
      It is one of the most insidious addictions of all, and I truly think that nicotine is a hard drug!

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   Wendi Mposted 15 years ago

   Didn't get a meeting in today, this his been a huge help...just these few words.  Imagine that!

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      If your interested I just posted a meeting as a Hub CA, regardless it has all the readings and format - it's funny how things work though isn't it?  I'm so glad your here.
      ODAAT

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         Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         What's a Hub CA?

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            lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Sorry my fault, I wrote out a cocaine anonymous meeting - all aspects for those who may wanted to know what one was like but was hesitant - called cocaine anonymous-a meeting - so you can go to one now LOL with comments of course

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   habeeposted 15 years ago

   Kimberly, good for you! You must have an amazing inner strength.
   
   Ryan, try the e-cigarettes. They're awesome! I was so impressed with mine that I devoted a hub to it!

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      I wish - my strength comes from people like you and others strength who carry me when I can't walk myself - whew! Deep!  Glad your here

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      Friendlywordposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Where is it? you have too many hubs. send it to me or post it here please.  I've been drug free 6 years. I quit smoking too but I crave one once in a while. What is this E-Cigarette?

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      Stimpposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      REALLY???  Interesting. We are getting hit hard with the non-smoking in ALL public places up here in the midwest.  I'll be checkin it out!!  Thanks.  But what is the response when you are in a restaurant and you pull one out?  Are people  like "aaaaah.....ya, this is a no smoking place."

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   cosetteposted 15 years ago

   bravo Kimberly!

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Cosette so cool your here, one of my fav's, thanks

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   yoshi97posted 15 years ago

   The Serenity Prayer has helped me live day to day for years.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Yoshi I swear sometimes when I think I can't breath I start saying it and I exhale by the 4th word, then I slowly calm down - I get what you mean. Cheers

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    HealthTipposted 15 years ago

    I wish you well my good friend !

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks Health Tip, glad your here

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          HealthTipposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Really proud of you Kimberley, took guts to post that. Always about for you

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             lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Thank you but you know if I can't give back what so many gave to me, then it's just being 'dry' or unhappy, unfulfilled and empty, might as well be stoned.
             
             It helps me stay clean too but I want so badly to help someone else out of the pain so many of us know so well.
             
             That and I never met an addict I didn't like - cool folk here at Hubpages, the personal emails have been moving and inspiring. I'm rambling,thank you HealthTip

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Okay, enough serious business.  Question; what was the most ridiculous thing you did to get drugs or alcohol?
    
    Mine's hilarious, but I'll wait, you first............

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    com'on now........

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Okay, you got lucky tonight - I'm going ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ and it's not even 10 pm, so in the am hope to see some stories - just say it was someone else if you want, surely we won't know the truth  :-D  Sleep well my angels, Dream in color.

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    wordscribe41posted 15 years ago

    Great topic, from one in recovery myself, there's no doubt having a support system is crucial.  I've thought about starting a similar thread, glad you did. 

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       wordscribe, man am I glad your here, just checked in before bed, promise you'll come back, this will be a ride,but a fun one...........

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    Drifter0658posted 15 years ago

    I wrote a check for some blow once, while sitting in an eatery. Two cops were sitting in the booth next to us, and I went right ahead and wrote that check and made the exchange over an awesome deli sandwich.
    
    Not that funny, but I remember trying to suppress laughter as I wrote "blow" on the memo line.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Now Drifter that's hot.  Gotta love this disease and the humor it can bring-once your well into recovery - loved that story - it'll be cool to see what comes next. Thanks, so glad your here

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Okay so here's mine.
    
    First of all I was 18 and into Blow like crazy. I snorted and banged every extra cent I earned, which wasn't much at that age.  I was at a party and there were about six 30 year old spoiled rich cocky type stock brokers.  I needed some blow and one guy said if I would dance for him they would throw me a gram.  Not my style but I needed a fix I was Jonzin' pretty bad.
    
    The rules were clear, no touching, one dance and underwear stays on.  I was so nervous.  To this day I remember the song and cringe when I hear it - they had cranked the song 'Mainstreet' by Bob Seger (otherwise awesome song).
    
    I had a lot of dance training so I proceeded to try and be sexy thinking of my blow, looking all of about 16 and naive as the day is young.
    
    I had a pink suit on and got the jacket top and bra off went for the pants and as luck would have it, had tied a 3 knot bow in the drawstring around the waist. Pliers were the only thing opening these knots. I stumbled and fumbled stopped and couldn't hardly see it anyways, boobs hanging out and then the song ran out.
    
    They all were hysterically laughing, I ran out crying and cut the knots out when I got home.  Why this is funny is if you knew me (not like my avtar) I was so awkward and shy, not in a million years would I do something like that then and I did for some candy, which when all is said and done I think they could have thrown me some anyways.
    
    I won in the end when a week later moved in with a Columbian coke dealer - Yikes!  Gone were the drawstrings and in were the keys (both kinds).

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    lorlie6posted 15 years ago

    I've always been a lover of prescription drugs.  My family taught me to be a 'lady' first and foremost, so I took my addictive behaviors into dozens of doctor's offices, lying politely to each and every one.  I believe this is called 'Doctor Shopping.'
    Talk about sick!

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       Drifter0658posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Not really sick, it's just how we are wired. If a woman who is as ladylike as I'm sure you are asks me for a ride on my bike, I'll kick the other slut to the curb in a hearth beat.
       
       Ladies will always get attention, especially since they have cornered the market of the natural art of batting eyelashes.

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          lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Bat, Bat...you know, Drifter, that ladylike jazz always got me into trouble. In doctor's offices AND on bikes...

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       wordscribe41posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I was in rehab with a guy that took "doctor shopping" to a whole new level (please don't get any ideas here, folks).  He WebMd'd  kidney stones to find out exactly how they present symptoms-wise.  He was skillful at putting on an act, no doubt.  They'd ask for a urine cluture, he'd prick his finger in the bathroom to put a little blood in the urine.  That's pretty much all the doctor would need to see in order to tell him he needed to go to the hospital.  He'd then explain he simply couldn't go to the ER because he has no health insurance (lie).  They'd beg him to go, he'd flat our refuse telling them he can't afford to go.  So, they load him up on pain meds and give him a prescription of Percocet and send him on his way.  Then, he'd call the physicians when he ran out saying he was still trying to pass the stone(s), was miserable and needed more narcotics.  They'd refill at least once.  Oh, the lengths!!! 

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Now that's smart thinking! Kudo's to your friend LOL

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I did many a doctor shopping,think I could be one myself bynow, bet you could too.  See my theory is addicts are the most resourceful, best actors that exist, if Hollywood only knew, but I guess they do. LOL

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    Drifter0658posted 15 years ago

    Now, that was awkwardly funny.
    
    From the other side of the fence, there were two or three girls I knew who were "connected" and subsequently very picky about whose arm they were clutching onto. I always had the balls to try to make it my arm, but I also always would be on the cusp and blow it.
    
    Somehow, my fumbling alter-ego would step in and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. It was generally one or two words that stepped all over my cool bad ass self (insert sarcastic laughter), and I was jumped over by the winner of the honey pot AND a more prime location to the "connection"
    
    Location, location, location.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       LOL lov you Difter, we are the same breed

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    Pearldiverposted 15 years ago

    Good Trick WS.  How are you?

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       wordscribe41posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Fantastic, as always.  Although dealing with hubby's upcoming "outsourcing".  Oh well, I like camping, we have a nice tent, great sleeping bags and air mattresses.  Plus, there won't be as much cleaning to do.  You?

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          Pearldiverposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Did you get my email?

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             wordscribe41posted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Crap, no.  Have been cleaning up kid barf for a few days, haven't checked.  Going now.  Sorry.

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Can't believe I just woke  up - e back in an hour to chat with you druggies, my pals xoxo

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Great answers, and continue to but I have another question;
    
    What was the first drug or drink you took, how old were you and what happened?
    
    I was 14, tried hashish (hot knives) behind the bleachers at school (which would be my last year in school) burnt my lips and never got high, so a week later decided to try this white powder called cocaine or something. That didn't burn, it numbed and I did get high. And so the story goes......

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       lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       First drugs at nine-I got my period early and an old maiden aunt of mine handed me a monstrous bottle of Darvon, saying something to the effect of "You'll be needing these, dear."  Needless to say I have 'needed' scripts ever since!

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          Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          I had a really bad experience with the "Darvon" thing once...all because of a bad period too!

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             lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

             That was my first, Wendy...
             After that it was mostly Benzos I asked for-Valium, Klonopin, etc.  But Darvon 'got me different'. And that was all it took.  I knew then and there that I wanted to be high. ALL the time.   That's what I loved.  Loved all that was different from the way I felt, anything to make me other than what I was, you know?

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    Wendi Mposted 15 years ago

    I was 13, it was a Thursday night, during the school year.  Some friends asked if I wanted to hang out at a place called the pit.  When I got there they had a keg.  I drank so much that I ended up throwing up all over this jerk that was trying to hit on me. 
    
    Then I proceeded to fall on my face, in front of my mom's dinner guests when I got home.  Woke up feeling horrible, but went right back out on Saturday night and did it all over again.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Wendi, thanks for sharing , I mean aren't we all nuts.  If we ate swordfish for dinner last night, it was bad and we puked all night, would we get up and eat it again for breakfast? Hmmmmmm....

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          Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          I would hope not, because where would we find a Swordfishoholics Anonymous meeting?

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             Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             And, how smelly would that be?

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                lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

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             lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Now that's Friggin funny - luv ya Wendi

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    question for admin guru's of the forum-what does the permalink button mean?  Afraid to try and we'll all blow up or relapse or something.  Anyone know?

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Has anyone noticed there's a lot of strippers in this forum, oh my!

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       Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Are you referring to the one doing the pole dance?

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Ya what's her deal man, this is a serious forum - not!  I keep laughing at her cause I bet she's much older and opposite of that shadow and is just trying to make people think she's hot - ho!

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    magdielqrposted 15 years ago

    No type of drug is good for our body. It is sad to see people addicted to trying to stop it can not, get stuck to his own addiction.

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       lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       There's really nothing like the hell of addiction.

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          And the freedom that it brings us when in recovery

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             lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Nothing like it, my friend!

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       So true Ryan, drugs are basically poison in a scientific sense and yet addictive, to those who have the disease of alcoholism and addiction.  It's an allergy.  A mental obsession combined with a physical addiction the moment  drug enters our body, and we can't stop until we have no more plays to make, and nothing isn't working repeatedly.

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    SWITCH 3
    
    Okay your turn.  Somebody ask a question, recovery or disease related that you yourself are Curious about

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Anybody?

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Hello? I am stripping here alone in a forum, should I just talk? Hmmmm.  I have to much time on my hands-just published a funny Canadian Hub - feel free to pass on by eh?
    
    I have to think about what to talk to myself about....

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Here's my story, if it can help anyone or relate to some;
    
    
    I was born an addict, live as an addict and will die an addict.
    
    It is what I am and who I am but I will no longer allow it to dictate what I do. I used from the age of 14 at the same time went into my first rehab program. You should also know I have a rapid cycling Bi Polar disorder (manic depression) and a severe Borderline Personality Disorder
    with OCD, ADD and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Good times oh yes. I shot and used Heroin and cocaine via needles (mainlined / IV) daily after the age of 18 for the following 20 years. I snorted, chewed, sucked, drank, banged, smoked, patched, swallowed and inserted anything
    and everything I possibly could to check out from myself. My physical, mental and spiritual consequences are to this day are enormous. Shame.
    
    I have been through 12 rehab programs, quit school at 14, 12 step programs throughout 2 countries, changed religions, in and out of detox centers, 27 electric shock therapy treatments, combined,  I have spent an equivalent of over 2 years in lock-up psych wards, arrested twice (thankfully not charged), dealt drugs for Columbians, imported illegal substances into Canada, been robbed, assaulted, ripped off, extorted and raped twice as a direct result of my surroundings, travelled to countries with large quantities of dope, my weight went down to  87 pounds in my mid-thirties, had addiction counselors, slept in halfway homes, ran a crack house, slept with knives or a gun, lived in 27 homes, been verbally, physically and sexually abused, lived, dated and befriended other dealers, had to deal with the police on 2 separate occasions for possession of an illegal unregistered firearm, learned to cook crack, and produced crack while dealing it throughout the Toronto area, lost my only child, a beautiful healthy daughter before she was two years old, who remains with her father to this day, I don’t see her and have not in 7 years, could no longer sustain the lucrative career (I worked my way up to as an advertising executive with global accounts), now permanently have lost relationships with 90% of my family, lived with Columbian Cartel, have dealt with narcotic detectives, the RCMP Bounty Hunters, lost all my teeth and hair as a direct result of drugs, lost 2 feet of bowel because of methadone, could not keep a marriage together which ended after 1 year and last year found out I have Hepatitis C from needles and self mutilating.
    
    This has all been in one form or another due to dope. And if I was able to, I would still choose to get high, to check out. That in itself is drug addiction. Cunning, Baffling and Powerful.
    
    I’ve heard the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and expecting a different result. The disease of addiction is defined by insanity. We walk not just up to, but through the gates of insanity. For me it was and has been an annoying, to say the least,
    revolving door.
    
    My life turned into a horror story and the worse things became, the harder I tried to stop. I couldn’t stop, I tried changing religions, make new friends, change careers, change drugs. Talked to doctors, tried for 5 years the methadone program, 12 step programs, got married. Had a child - all this with “I know I can stop” with every thing that would happen to me,
    
    Well. I can promise you addiction will destroy everything you wanted. It will take away everything you wanted and push away all that once was close to you.
    
    I know somewhere I must have some will because I am still here, stronger, wiser and able to help people, If that isn’t a gift. I can’t think of a greater gift.
    
    However, addiction to drugs or alcohol robs us spiritually, mentally and physically. As we recover it’s the reverse. We heal physically, mentally and lastly spiritually.
    
    The loss in all faith and disbelief in hope for me was almost immediately, I look back now and know it was fear and shame made the drugs do this to me. I lost all my faith, trust and hope together,
    
    After many many years (over 24) I finally became open to recovery when I ran into an old friend who i had no idea would carry me and believe in me until I could believe in myself. But I had
    to trust his words. Trust was something I had thrown out the window years prior and I was faithless, physically destroyed, mentally gone and financially ruined.
    
    You know what I am most grateful for today - -that I have the ability to feel gratitude - and that I am able to share and give that gratitude to someone else, unconditionally.
    
    For me personally, that in itself is the core reason recovery is possible. When or if you realize through tremendous personal suffering, you are able to help somebody else through your own experiences, well for me, was a better high than Heroin or Coke ever gave me, ever.
    
    See what people need to understand is this disease is not in our will or our own hands.  I mean do you really think I would have chosen any of those things to direct my life to having or knowing no one while I slowly die in pain?  Of course not, that is why we must remember despite our judgements of any one we have not walked in their shoes. 
    
    And to please remember, as my family will never be able to do this and it hurts more than any consequences.  The next time you look at an addict, she is a woman/sister/aunt/daughter/mother/friend/writer/human being first and then with the disease of addiction.  It’s in their eyes and it will never change. They will only ever see the addict and never past that. My point.  People with the disease of addiction and alcoholism are very sick, not bad.
    
    I am thankful today,  I am no longer alone.  Nor do I want to be.           
    
    But now I get the flu.

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       Drifter0658posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Just so you know, you are one family member that I will NEVER shun. Welcome home, love

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Bless you Babe, thank you

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    Lisa HWposted 15 years ago

    lyricsingray, I think more people than you may realize very much see someone else's child when they see someone with an addiction problem.
    
    I've watched someone else's child (a child I didn't know more than casually) take the downward spiral into addiction and illness as he got into his teens; and I've seen how his elderly parents have fought to try to "bring him back".  Sometimes it would seem as if he was doing really well, but then he'd slip back again.  His mother (who had lost her only other child to an accident) said she had to come around to realize she could do nothing to help him, and face that one day the drugs may kill him.  She said, "No mother should have to numb up to the idea that her child may end up dying because of drugs, but I've had to."
    
    The last time I saw him he was in the city and obviously had slipped into yet even more serious problems.  I asked him about his mother, and he said, "She's probably dead by now for all I know."  I later learned his mother has Alzheimer's Disease, so even if he ever "comes back" (to being free of drugs) his mother will never get to see that happen.  He's close to 40 (or 40) now, but when I've seen him (or think about him) I still see the little boy in the neighborhood and the eventual future that nobody would ever have guessed he would find himself in.
    
    He asked me for a couple of dollars the day I last saw him, and I gave him that and something to eat.  All I could think about was how I'd feel if it were my son or daughter.  Sometimes I think addicts have no idea how much people really do care about them (even if those people are helpless when it comes to helping them).

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Lisa what a sad and all to common story.  The disease of drugs and alcoholism hurts the people around them most.
       
       That pain of feeling hopeless, the anger of having no control, the endless search for answers and the exhaustion of the up's and downs. 
       
       However we have to remember addicts are sick and not bad.  It's a potential fatal disease if not treated and I hate it.  It's through people like you sharing that helps.  You never know who's life you may have touched. God Bless that poor mother, I only hope she can't remember the hard times.  The behaviors of active addicts are inexcusable, but it is a disease. Damn.
       
       Thank you for sharing, I'm so glad your here.

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    I can't believe it's 5 am and I am still trying to catch up on comments to my Hubbers.  Looks like I'll sleep all day again tomorrow.  Addicts are night people anyways - training - agree?

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    Drifter0658posted 15 years ago

    Grass, blow, 'shrooms, buttons, moon biscuits, pocket rockets, chasin' the dragon, but the one that was my favorite was LSD.
    
    This past summer I was sitting by my pool all alone and watching the sun begin its brilliant orange death against a cobalt blue sky. The music was as right as the 80 degree temperature.
    
    Not a confrontation to be found, yet the thought of how cool it would to be trippin' lapped at the edges of my mind.
    
    I woke up the next day almost feeling shame, because if there was a cube offered to me the evening before, I might have taken it and blown a perfect Zen moment.
    
    When was the last time you would have blown a moment like that?

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       good one babe. I'm thinking,there's so friggin many...........you get a few decades on me  LOL  Stand by.

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Okay,I'm stalling because I can't believe myself sometimes, so I'm just going to be the addict I am and lay it on the table, sort of speak.
          
          I was recently in an intimate situation which was really beautiful, like i wrote the script for it and as it played out I had the worst craving to shoot some crack.  I could feel the needle and taste the side effects. I started sweating, trembling, which my partner I am sure was pleased thinking it was him.
          
          I couldn't handle the craving, it wouldn't ease up or go, unusually long.
          
          As I cursed, jumped up, got dressed I ran outside and ran and ran and ran until I couldn't breath, fell to my knees and never returned to my tea party.
          
          I think that run saved a relapse but I should have called someone, just too hard for me.  Gotta bite down and start calling program people cause I have a lot of cravings.  This forum helps me huge!
          
          Poor Dude I ran out on, hope he doesn't think it was him, damn, drugs ruined another good thing again, and I didn't even get high.
          
          cheers

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             lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

             This forum is an awesome way to get support, but the phone list has been my saving grace many times.  I am proud of you for running for your life, LIG, that's exactly what you achieved.

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                lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                God works in mysterious ways - I began to have a deeper faith that night after that hard run,
                
                so glad your here Girl!

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    Daniel Carterposted 15 years ago

    Good for you. You are amazingly strong to get through this, Kimberly. Having had a daughter who was anorexic, on heroine and an alcoholic, I have a little idea of what this can be like. She is also sober, clean and living a great life. Thanks for being a clear voice of hope for so many.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Daniel, she's SOBER! Awesome and I'm so glad you came here and shared that.  I couldn't be happier for her and you, please do come back and share with us crazy's. LOL
       
       Glad you came by. Thanks for doing so.

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          Daniel Carterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          About 4 years ago, she came to me down and out, and I tried to help, but you know how that goes. So when I saw her again, I put my arms around her told her I couldn't save her from herself, only she could do that. But I would never judge or condemn her, and that I loved her near or far. I told her to save her own butt, because all I could do is save mine. I was dealing with being misdiagnosed as bipolar and a lot of other things.
          
          We worked on our own health and well-being. I'm healthy and without any problems for nearly 5 years, as is she. She just got married last month to a wonderful guy, and has a great job.
          
          Life is not easy and not without really sad setbacks at times. But this way is a better way of being equipped to handle set backs with courage, grace, and intelligence.

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             lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Your awesome, loving detachment, courage, grace and intelligence, she's one Lucky girl.  And your one lucky dad, Thank you for sharing this, so uplifting! And hopeful for many.

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             Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Daniel, I was that daughter you just described and I thank God, everyday, for having family like you to help me with my recovery.

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                Daniel Carterposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                Thanks, Wendi. Those words are particularly dear to me today.
                I walked my daughter down the isle just last month. As she came down the stairs in her wedding dress, I started to cry, and she said, "DAD!!! HELL NO!!! Don't cry! I don't have waterproof mascara on!!" To which we both laughed, and it was such a wonderful moment. Photographer got it as it happened. Lovely, lovely day. I feel so LUCKY that we both lived through all that to get where we are today.
                
                Man, I could use a group hug. You guys are making me feel it. I just came through some other upsets, and although it's good, still leaves you reeling. But I'm good to go. Cheers, everyone.

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                   Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   That just put a huge smile on my face.  I miss my dad!

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                   poetlorraineposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   this is such a lovely ending to what must have been hell for you.  An ending but also a beginning,,,,,,,, you will treasure those photos forever i am sure....

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    Williamjordanposted 15 years ago

    I am a recovering addict that other addicts loved back to health and now I try to do the same addicts who have been honest with themselves can help other addicts do the same.I love helping addicts and will continue to do so one day at a time the rest of my life it's the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       William your helping addicts right now by sharing, and I thank you. So glad your here and I do hope you keep coming Back  :-D

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    BrianFanslauposted 15 years ago

    What if I'm addicted to helping people? (not really kidding at all either) I've found that I over-extend myself to meet others needs and find myself spent.

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       wordscribe41posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       It's called codependence, it is actually a real problem.

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Brian, wordscribe has made a good point, co-dependency is an addiction to helping or rather enabling other people while your heart is made of gold it sounds like.  I am sure you find yourself being let down or hurt a lot. That derives from having expectations of other people.  I do it myself constantly and find that 90% of the time, expectations don't come true.  Be true to yourself.
          
          Glad your here, please keep coming back.

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Okay here's one of my You Tube Video's trying to demonstrate the pain and loneliness of addiction.  Parental Advisory extremely Advised, actual drug use.
    
    I filmed two following on recovery - they're in same category
    
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCoQyqPEJoI
    
    
    It's called 'The Woman I Found' by lyricsingray1
    
    
    Hope it's representing the insanity of this disease.  This was close to my end - that being stopping or dying.  Thank God I stopped. 87 pounds in some parts, always alone and never smiling.
    
    Cunning, Baffling and Powerful.
    
    HubPages produces HubPages

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       Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Wow, the tears are still rolling down my cheeks!

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          good or bad? The tears?  Do you think I got the message across or is it over the top?

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             Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Therapeutic tears...and conveying that kind of message could never be over the top.  It was a good cry, sad, but good!

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                lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                Oh good I'm glad.  How are you doing today?

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                   Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   So much better, now that I'm away from that awful place I call work!  Those SOBER people are insane!
                   
                   How are you? 
                   
                   I told my sister that she should join us.  She hasn't been able to make it to a meeting due to her husband having surgery this week.

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                      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                      Hope she comes - any thoughts on how to promote this forum for others that could just need to feel part of a group they can relate to?

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                         Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                         If I get my sister in here, we'll get a huge jump start...she's a powerhouse when it comes to sober living!

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                            lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                            OK COOL. THANKS

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    just wanted to be our 100 post - never been 100 before. A post ya, but not the 100th post.
    
    So glad we have this venue, thanks everybody

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Okay Switch 4
    
    Do you remember your last drunk or high and does it help you stay clean?
    
    All Aboard..........
    
    Did anyone but Wendi see my You Tube addicts video?
    
    hint hint

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       Drifter0658posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       The video spoke the truth loud and clear. I was moved so much by the last few pictures. Your eyes came back

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          whew I'm glad, thanks Drifter, now what's your Switch #4 answer?

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             Drifter0658posted 15 years agoin reply to this

             My last blast came New Year's Eve 1998. My wife and I hit several parties that night and I ran the list.
             
             I woke up the next morning in our bed with nothing on but my sport coat. The pockets of the jacket were littered with what looked like a half a sack of grass and a good amount of blow.
             
             She was off in the house somewhere, so I had a chance to clean up and get dressed. When I went to find her and ask what happened the night before, I chickened out. I spent all day hiding and dodging the truth.
             
             By the time I made it to bed that night, I new the truth. The truth was, I had been hiding from the truth for nearly 25 years.
             
             For 25 years your my life was not in my hands. I married her because it seemed like it was time to. As it turns out, she married a husband; not me.
             
             She was choking me. Turning me into a husk, so I hid in a fog created by the "list".
             
             The 2nd of January, 1999, I walked away. I walked away from my wife, children and all of the list. I will admit to occasionally drinking a shot or two of tequila, but that practice is fading as well.
             
             I felt bad for leaving my children, but I stayed sober and saw them often.
             
             I was in an abusive relationship. Not physically, but mentally and spiritually. We tried therapy on two separate occasions, but I eventually handed my spine back twice.
             
             Over ten years have passed. I am still drug free, in control of my spine, and happy.
             
             I am confident, not arrogant or cocky, just confident. I also give more of my time helping others every day than I did the first forty years of my life.
             
             I'm grateful that I had the balls to see what the problem was and saw that my rehab meant an exit from that situation.
             
             I am hurt because our two lovely children were affected in some ways, although they are beautiful and productive today. I know they had a tough way to go.
             
             So, yup, New Year's Eve 1998. That's when it was.

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                Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

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                   lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   Thank God for New Years 1998-that saved your life.  It's a good day.

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    Wendi Mposted 15 years ago

    My last drunk was the night before my last drink.  It was the most my boyfriend had ever seen me drink.  We had gone up to Norhtern New Hampshire so the guys could do some fishing.  We drove around all day, and I was having (what I thought were anxiety attacks)...turns out they were DT's...who would've thought?
    
    So right before we got back to our hotel (if that's what one would call that shack) he stopped to get some beer.  I made him get an extra 12 pack and 1 bottle of chardonnay.  I managed to polish all of that off, along with 3 extra glasses of wines at dinner.
    
    I was a mess by the time we got back to his house the next day.  He wanted me to spend the night, but instead I drove as fast as I could back to my house so I could start drinking again.  THAT NIGHT I COULDN'T GET DRUNK!  So I broke down and called for help...and her name is Cheri (my younger sister) and I love her to death!

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Isn't it wonderful having a sibling in the program.  My younger brother who has 10 years on me has been my rock so many times of cries for help.
       
       Thanks Wendi and I hope she does join us.

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Just going for a quick (ha) nap -you keep going and if you know someone who might benefit from this forum, please do let them know.
    
    Bless zzzzzzzzz

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    Wendi Mposted 15 years ago

    Good morning everyone!  The sun is breaking through the clouds, I don't have a hangover and I'm going pumpkin picking with my granddaughters...IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY!

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       Drifter0658posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Ain't life grand?

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    Sybil Marieposted 15 years ago

    It really is a great morning isn't it I'm here in new england, the rain has just stoppedthe sun is peeking through the clouds and the trees are turning colors, wow! Asmy sonused tosay when he was little "Godsure paints beautiful pictures". NEVER noticed any of this before I got sober! Off toA meeting now!!

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Good Morning, I slept 13 hours, feel good and didn't have to wake up in a panic to find a hit.  I drank orange Juice and am going to have a shower.
    
    No big deal for most people BUT for this addict, it's a huge change.
    
    GOD GRANT US THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS WE CANNOT CHANGE,
    THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS WE CAN
    AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
    
    I am publishing a Hub today titled 'an intimate interview with a recovering alcoholic'  This guy is great.   Hope it helps someone.

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       Sybil Marieposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I'llcheckit out Lyric...Check out my hub "for love of an addict," it's written from the other side of our fence

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          will do for sure - Sybil your flower even makes me feel good today-wouldn't have noticed it before I was straight that's for sure.

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       Wendi Mposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Looking forward to reading it Kim!

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Wendi, I have to tell you - you ROCK! Babe:)

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    SWITCH 5
    
    question;  Best thing (one thing) for you about being sober.
    
    For me, as lame as it may sound, I am so grateful to feel grateful.  I had only felt resentment for 24 years and true, unconditional gratitude is a spiritual 'level' that humbles me. So,I am grateful.

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    I encourage you to o  the same if it will benefit someone with this disease.  Not as self promotion but if you have recovery materials that will interest others, please do share them. We have to be clear it is not for self promotion.  I also want to mention my website for adict-already listed on profile page but those who haven't read that yet;
    
    www.dearaddict.ca 
    
    publishes bi-monthly, if you want to post something please do just=t email me at fade2gray@rogers.com
    
    This below is an interview I did with a recovering alcoholic, quite remarkable, as are we all. Hope you get a chance to read it.
    
    Thanks, Kimberly
    
    http://hubpages.com/hub/An-Intimate-Int … holic?done

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    Drifter0658posted 15 years ago

    Myself. That simple.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       :  How areyou doing today?

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          Drifter0658posted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Doin' wonderful Kimberly. Thanks for askin'.
          
          How are YOU doin' today?

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             lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             Thanks for askin too'  To be honest I am really struggling, just a bad day, woke up thi way.  This disease needs no reason to make us feel like a piece os sh--.  I don't get like this of ten and I' m spending too much time writing locked away in my bedroom instead of Living.  I didn't even know it's our Thanksgiving Monday but like most things,it isn't a big deal up here.  TV Dinner sounds just fine LOL. I'll be better tomorrow - bla bla bla bla  talk to you then
             
             Be Good or kinda good, just be safe.
             
             Thanks
             Kimberly

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                lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                Hello, people, I thought I'd check in...still and addict/alcoholic, just so you know.  )  Bye!

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                   lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   Lorlie you crack me up, Hugs girl, lots of Hugs

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                      lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                      Right back at ya, babe!

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Hmmm, really quiet today, hope tomorrow we get more of us back - I'm wondering about the time differences too- if they effect things, well, have a nice evening and a safe 24,
    K.

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    OOps,sorry ya'll I forgot,each morning I was going to bring you that day's meditation reading. Mind you, my mornings start at 5 pm. So let's call it our evening meditation and you can read it the next morning if you feel like it.  It also makes a good topic for discussion.
    
    October 10, 2009.
    
    Sometimes it's worse to win a fight than to lose.  -  Billie Holiday
    
    Our struggles with other people always take their toll on us.  They often push us to behavior we're not proud of.  They may result in irreparable rifts.  They frequently trigger an emotional relapse  No battle is worth the damage to the psyche that nearly any battle can cause.  Nonresistance is the safer way to chart our daily course.
    
    We need never be thwarted by people and situations.  We will profit from experiences we take in our stride.  The course we travel is the one we chart.  The progress we make toward our life goals is proportionate to the smoothness of our steps.
    
    --Today I will flow with the tide.  It will assuredly move me closer to my destination. --
    
    end

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    R P Chapmanposted 15 years ago

    wow, that video made me cry. wasn't expecting that at all!
    
    that's proper art.
    
    
    this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCoQyqPEJoI

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks RP, so glad your here.  Promise to come back,it's a fun bunch here (minus the depressing video Ha Ha)
       Cheers my friend
       Kimberly

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    R P Chapmanposted 15 years ago

    it wasn't depressing, it was a vivid portrayal of addiction, and it moved me. To be able to express it as you did displays great honesty and a huge amount of courage.
    
    I'm very pleased that you've survived to tell the tale, and I'm happy to have met you (so to speak). You made my day better

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       RP what nice thing to say and you have made mine better as I really struggled with producing, rather releasing this video as it is all real and depicts pain and loneliness, only this disease can produce (in ways).  I believe spreading awareness is about truth, education through truth,ad that was the truth. I never want to go back there but would love to help someone who is there. Best be helping myself right now, that's enough LOL.
       
       Again, really glad your here.  Kimberly

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    Wendi Mposted 15 years ago

    Good morning everyone.
    
    Today is going to be another beautiful day!

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