For Addicts and Alcoholics sharing and recovering

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   lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

   We all share a common element or trait.
   
   The disease of addiction and alcoholism.
   
   This thread is for Ramblings in Recovery. 
   
   Recovery related or not each post shares that common element and understood disease, especially this time of year.
   
   Recovery is fun, if not, I'm out a here
   
   I'm sure you'll agree.
   
   ODAAT, wishing you a safe 24.
   
   Cheers,
   
   Kimberly

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      RaneeWrightposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      recovery is not fun and lifelong battle.

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         defenestratethisposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         It may not ALWAYS be fun, but for the most part Ive never experienced so much joy as I have in recovery...if it wasnt so, I would not be here, Id be out getting loaded. Lifelong battle? No, not for me it isnt. I have ceased fighting anything and everything....thank god.

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         Heaven_Leigh70posted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Recovery is a daily battle!!! It is never fun to be in this fight. The longer you are clean...the harder it is to stay that way and the easier it is to forget the hell of addiction. If I had just one wish...it would be to go back and never take that  first hit. I don't believe the majority of people would consider this battle fun in any way!!!

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            nikki1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

            You don't have to be alone. Bond with your family and friends find a support group. Start talking about your issues,. I have faith in you. Smiles

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            defenestratethisposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            Baloney...you should just get loaded then if youre truly that miserable. The 12 Steps when used with an open heart and mind alleviate the sense of fighting anything, or that staying clean/sober is like being in a war. Its our own thinking that puts us in that state of mind, not the fact that weve stopped using, not the fact that were in recovery.

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               selrachposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               I agree it depends on your frame of mind.
               I have mentioned before that I am an antibuse user for my alcoholism.I have been dry now for eleven months and my life it totally different,but I had to put in a lot of effort to change my outlook on life.
               
               It is very easy to let our head play tricks with us.I was offshore on an oilrig last month (first time in a year)and as there is no oppurtunity to drink stopped my antibuse.within a few days I was planning how I could have A drink before I went home.I took my meds and everything was fine,but this showed me that I was not as strong in my recovery as I thought.A lot of hard work still to do but I know I will get there.

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               pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               why so negative defenstatethis not everyone copes as easily with recovery as you some people do find it a daily battle i struggle day to day & have been clean 3 years i had to cut all ties with people from the past, people that aren,t bad but haven,t managed to get rid of their own personal hell. I,ve been left with mental health issues as i was mentally, physically & sexually abused,"what,s your answer to that?" i used drugs to block out the pain & hurt. i found God lucky me but that,s not for everone & it,s not my place to judge i,m glad you,ve found recovery sooh bloody easy but others don,t sooh don,t knock them for trying & reaching out to others for asking for some help & support !!! luv,n,stuff pam

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                  defenestratethisposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  Not knocking em...just sayin that if its that miserable, to try examining our own thinking, and in so doing, figure a way out of the unhappiness. Honestly, for myself, (and I too have a past heavily laden with abuse) If life in recovery was so agonizing, Id get loaded. I mean, what would be the point? And it didnt sound to me like she was asking for help, it sounded more like venting.."a daily battle, never fun to be in this fight, the longer youre clean the harder it is to stay that way..." these things simply dont ring true with me, and if I was a newcomer, Id walk right out if I heard those words in a meeting. I never said it was "soooo bloody easy" for me, it wasnt, UNTIL I gave up the fight.  I contend that giving oneself entirely to the program of AA offers release from the hell  that  we are all familiar with. It is through this program that one finds forgiveness and freedom, the like of which we never thought possible. I dont mean to sound unsympathetic and harsh, I just dont think it helps anyone to focus on the bad, rather than the good.  In order for me to achieve the maximum benefits of recovery, I had to check my ego and victimhood at the door.   Namaste, Lala

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                     pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                     Unfortunately where i come from the help you get for drua & alcohol abuse is c**p a bunch of people who,ve been to university & think they know what i,m going through, luckily for me i have a good physciatrist & a strong will, yeah it is hard for me because i lost my best friend last year someone who lit up a room every time she walked in to it with 2 gorgeous children, unfortunately for me also i have physcosis & also have been brought up to believe that if it rains it,s my fault. Did i choose to have this personality trait of course i didn,t & fel like crying for actually having emotions, in the last year the doctors "who know so much" have wanted to put me back in hospital 3 times for my own safett not because i want to go back to taking drugs but because for the 1st time in my life i,ve had to deal with a real problem without masking it with drugs i ask you does this make me weak or does it make me human. I can,t deal with my abuse 1 of my rapists stays 4 doors away how do i deal with that? I didn,t come on to this site to argu with or knock anyone i just think that sometimes when life decides to bitch slap us which she has time & time again over the last year it can be hard, in my 1st year i was in such a natural high but as i said the last year has been cruel & my strenghth & help from non using friends has got me through & my phsyciatrist who continuaslly tells me to stop blaming myself for everything but that was the way i was brought up blamed for everything as i said if i could take away everyones pain i would  i,m just reaching out for someone to help me get rid of my pain,self loathing & guilt i,m only human & sorry if oi offended you this was not my intention OMG  what have i done wrong please accept my apology for being me & being weak but not weak enough to give in to my inner demons again !!! I don,t have a large ego trust me on that friend I,ve just still got to deal with the very reason that i turned to drugs in the 1 st place, i,m desperate to get to where you are in recovery & hope 1 day soon REAL SOON !!! to get there luv pam x

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                        selrachposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                        I am also from Scotland and find the help available to addicts is first class IF YOU WANT IT.

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                           pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                           trust me i do want it it,s just the councellors in my area are right up their own a**es, luckily i have a good phsyciatrist who gave me his mobile number & i also have church not everybodys choice but mine i,m feeling a bit emotional today as i,ve got my periods l.o.l so please bear with me, i,m just having a rough time just now moving back to the town where my addiction started & knowing how easily i could score, but i,m trying my hardest & finding it hard just now, let me know what shire your from & maybe i,ll ask for some councelling there as i promise it,s rubbish in ayrshire!!!

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      .

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      unfazed4evaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Been clean for nearly 2yr and i dont feel the fun of recovering! as i have too look at my kids and be reminded at what i put them through.Was nearly dead in intensive care,they were put in foster care,fighting to get my youngest bak from my sis.Im happy im clean but it will take a long time for me to get rid of the guilt and hurt at what i put the people i luv through!

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         pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         know how you feel riddled with guilt. My daughter watched me being abused every way possible but i thought i had to give her a mum and dad not knowing that by self medicating i was hurting her even more trying so hard to move on 3 years clean but still fighting with inner demons lost my best friend more like little sister a year ago in march beat myself up about that as i had moved to get away from it all now her kids have lost their mum and gran as when maz died her mum hit the drink to cope doctors and their bull just want to move on but when you,re labelled a junkie you,re labelled for life. Hope to hear from you choking to speakn to people in the same place as me sorry for rambling luv,n,stuff pam xxx

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      nikki1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

      I have faith in u all. No matter how bad you feel now. There is a bright day. Requesting to be around positive people and listen to motivational music, read motivational literature. Never having an ordinary day.
      When it comes to keeping on task.. your surroundings may have something to do with it. Making a list may help you and creating goals with that list. Keeping in mind your body and mentality has been affected by the ingredients of drugs or booze. There may be an over the counter remedy for this.
      Good luck to all.

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         pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you for your faith  nikki it means a lot & i know you have to keep your mind occupied daily i find solace on my bible (again not for everone) but some days the cravings still hit you in your face when you least expect it i try to plan my week so that always around sober people but you sometimes meet people who aren,t sober & it breaks your heart to know the distress they truly are in this site is amazing a, friend who is in his 5th day of recovery came in to my house yesterday & i showed him this site & some of the videos, he was moved to tears & said he,d log on. I know he,ll get the encouragement he needs from all the good souls here & see that there are nore people rooting for him than he knows luv,n,stuff pam x

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   lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

   Oh sure thanks L.

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   Cagsilposted 15 years ago

   I'll help in the rambling department.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      ok rant or ramble buddy

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      lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Please, Cas, please!!   I love your ramblings-they make sense.

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   lorlie6posted 15 years ago

   Not only did I ramble when high, Kimberly, I continue to do so sober!  Recovery is such a blessed thing yet it hurts when one wants sooooo terribly to still feel that high, that rush, that buzz, whatever.  I suppose that makes me an angry recoverer.  
   But that is what I've been thinking just today, and guess what, I have a brand new day dawning tomorrow. So I do believe in the power of a new day.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      who cares what kind of recoverer you are I'm just glad your in Recovery
      
      Any good jokes?

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         lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Rehab is for quitters?

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            Fluffymetalposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            LOL

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            calisurgeposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            I think a rehab is also for those who would like to lessen their addiction if they are not that fully wants to stop their addiction to one thing.

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               nikki1posted 14 years agoin reply to this

               

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            pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

            You can,t say rehab is for quitters some people don,t have a close family unit to turn to i don,t my mum could never accept my "illness" as she put it she was sooh ashamed her precious daughter who she gave everything "apart from the love she craved" could possibly turn to drugs little did she know her precious little daughter was being mentally, physically & sexually abused as she hid the bruises as she had to give her daughter the perfect family mum & dad even if dad was beating the s**t out off mum i didn,t get the luxury of rehab at least theyd have understood me in there i got sent to the phsyiatric ward yee-ha a bunch of doctors that didn,t have a f**king clue what i was going through but it must have worked as i,m 3 years clean but still fighting those inner demons having a bit of a rough day hope to get to know you better might not agree with you about rehab but no doubt agree with you about loads of other things luv,n,stuff pam xxx

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               billydoposted 14 years agoin reply to this

               Welldone, on 3 years clean.
               I had ten hell years and no rehab, I have got through though. I have last year had extensive councelling which has helped greatly. (you should try)
               However what I have done to my boys will never go away and however long clean. I can't replace those years the hell they went through, They took themselves through school years,cooking,cleaning,mopping up my sick whilst I 7days 7 nights praticly out of it.
               I am so proud of them now.
               I am not mocking rehab but when i done group theaphy about half of the people who had done rehab had done it 3or4 times and still relasp.

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                  pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

                  no what you mean about the guilt for your kids i took my daughter to hell & back she too had to bring herself up for a while i might have been there in person but was numb to all emotion i really didn,t think it had affected her until we spoke about it recently i thought she didn,t know what i was doing as i beieve it or not managed to hold a job down for 5 years of my addiction but she didn,t get in the kitchen when her steo dad was cooking up i used to tell her he was shaving thinking she was daft enough to believe it but she was more streeetwise than i knew i kept a roof over her head, food in her stomach & lots of clothes on her back but i was emotionally void. Wait until you get a laugh at this i got drug councelling when i was using but now i,m clean all i get is a review every 6 months now that i truly need councelling but to be honest my councellors didn,t have a f**king clue & were so far up there a**ses the could see sunshine when they looked. I,ve now been shifted into the psychiatric system now my phsyciatrist is FANTASTIC & has even gave me his mobile number & texts me regularly he,s a drug phsyciatrist & gets addicts unlike the councellors who i think should all be ex addicts who,ve been there not people with degrees who think they know what their talking about maybe where you stay the councelling service is better but unfortunately i,m now diagnosed as mentally ill ha bloody ha i,m not mentally ill i,m just a person & i can feel now & some days it scares me to death especially when i,m thinking of the friend i lost who i,d have died for so as i,ve am i really a survivor yeah i am but i,m just struggling just now & it,s not self pity i don,t do that it,s guilt with a capital G & shame, shame that is not only inflicted by me but also by others who refuse to let me let go KUDUS to you for getting clean & staying clean i know how hard it is & stop beating yourself up about your kids NO MATTER what they love you &  bet just like my darling daughter their so proud of you now keep up the fight & hope to speak again soon luv,n,stuff pam xoxo

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      Cagsilposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Do you know why you have a new day dawning tomorrow?

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         lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Do tell, my friend...because I so choose?

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            Cagsilposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            The only reason for you to have a new day dawning tomorrow is because you didn't do anything to put that future in jeopardy.

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               lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Wanna bet?

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                  lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   

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                  lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  Just kidding, Cas.

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                  Cagsilposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                  You are still alive? Are you not. Therefore, you were never in jeopardy. You may have felt that way during the day, but it isn't there now, because you are here. Hence, it is in the past and we don't live in the past. We live in the present and form our future.

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               lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               great point.

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               lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               

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         lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         we have to live in today and not in yesterday or tomorrow.  Keeps recovery possible, or tangible if you will.

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            lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

            Today sucks, though...But it's not over yet, and you guys are giving this funky day a lift.  Thanks.

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   lorlie6posted 15 years ago

   Casgil does have an excellent point, it's just one of those monstrous days when booze and weed and pills and needles and all the rest sound better than reality.
   I know you guys understand.
   Damn, I'm a downer, but this is about recovery-the ups and downs.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      gotta get it out as it is pride that can ultimately kill us girl, I'm having the same type of day trust me
      
      )))))))))))))))hugs((((((((((((((

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         lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Oh, Kimberly-you know, addiction is so self-centered...looking over my posts, I get that touch of shame.  Addict-shame, perhaps?  You are such a dear friend.
         How'd you do that?  Computers are such a trip!
         ))))))))))))))))hugs back at ya((((((((((((((((((

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            lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

               good friend indeed and right back at ya

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               lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

               

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            lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            do step one right now but out loud i will too and listen to what we're saying   :

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               lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

               Aye aye, Cap'n!

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   Cagsilposted 15 years ago

   The only shame you have is placed on you by you. Yes, you have an addiction and you are in recovery. Be that as it may, there is a little shame as far as the inability to control oneself, but there isn't any shame in admitting to have the problem.
   
   Acceptance of oneself is required in recovery. You might consider looking directly at yourself and making up your own damn mind on whether or not, you are in control. If you want it bad enough, your mind and will combined can overcome anything.
   
   You need to believe that and live it.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      WRONG your talking about guilt which we create ourselves SHAME is something someone else gives you or makes you believe

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         lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Hmm...

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   Bovine Currencyposted 15 years ago

   I was out until 4 am last night, I was on an intro shift as a youth worker.  I am only 6 days clean now, I had a lapse on booze and weed at a friends birthday party.  Unfortunately, I am a problem gambler also and over the next three days I lost a grand on no-limit.  Actually, now I remind myself, I couldn't help but add a couple of whiskey rocks to the mix so that gives me about three days.  29 days ago I got back to my home town.  Spent two months in England.  It was an experience, I got to see some of the world, I wasn't high the whole time but I did pick up.  Coke is cheap there, not like where I live, I picked up a problem with coke there and I was living in a bad part of the country.  I bought drugs in downtown london on corners I'd rather not return to.  I went to the UK to get away from the madness.  It was still in my head of course but removing myself physically was just enough.  I needed to escape the violence in my mind, the opportunity I wanted to take, revenge.  My marriage was based on co-dependence.  Married to an addict.  At 25 years old I was a driver for escorts.  I sold my body and I sold my soul.  For seven years I was in and out of psychiatric wards, emergency rooms and meeting rooms.  I first got clean at 20 but didn't think I had seen enough, I wasn't bad enough, I was no jailbird.  I still have escaped jail but it got much worse.  I could have died more than once.  I have used anything and everything.  Today I am clean and I am proud but I am still fearful.  The past is still near for me.

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      lorlie6posted 15 years agoin reply to this

      The fear is so real...I'm glad you showed up here.

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         Bovine Currencyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks
         
         Yes the fear is real and very justified.

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   Bovine Currencyposted 15 years ago

   P.S. I woke up and read the blue book first thing this morning
   
   I was lucky enough that when I got home there was a convention. In the rooms since 2003 and I was two days clean.  I got a free book and the gift to share my story of relapse and hope to a big room full of friends and newcomers, all people that care.  An oldtimer with nearly 30 years up gave me a big hug and thanked me, it was just awesome.  Unfortunately, I also got news of a friend now in jail.  On the upside, I thought he was more likely dead.  Nothing changes out there, that is for sure as shit.

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      lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      so true buddy, scary how we're reminded-sorry about your buddy.

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         Bovine Currencyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

         He had 60 days up last time I heard

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            Robakerostposted 15 years agoin reply to this

            I've been sober for almost 4 years and last year had a good friend (whom we used to drink together a lot!) go to prison for 2 years on multiple dui charges. We write back and forth now and he's embracing recovery. It was a blessing for him and me as well as I'm learning a lot about gratitude through him.

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   bojanglesk8posted 15 years ago

   Cool story bro.

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      tantrumposted 15 years agoin reply to this

      Yeah ? where ?   

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    Bovine Currencyposted 15 years ago

    

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    Bovine Currencyposted 15 years ago

    I think the sentiment was right.

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       tantrumposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I think he posts that in all the threads !

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          baconmidgetposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          i noticed that too

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             tantrumposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             

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                Bovine Currencyposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                LOL!
                
                I just noticed in another thread...

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                   tantrumposted 15 years agoin reply to this

                   Yeah !
                   I loved your smilie !
                   

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    kmackey32posted 15 years ago

    Hi tantrum.

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       tantrumposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Hi there , friend !

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    kmackey32posted 15 years ago

    Wazzzup. I'm still online. whooohoo.

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       baconmidgetposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       you mean i wished you a good nite for nothin

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    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Hi ya'all

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    Bovine Currencyposted 15 years ago

    Bump

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    mega1posted 15 years ago

    NewYear's Eve - a night when I used to go to a meeting just to be with others who weren't drinking or stoned - not because I felt I would "go out" but because I was bored and frustrated with the drinkers.   Now I am not able to go to a meeting so I thought I'd pull up this thread and see if there's anybody else out there who has to stay home, is recovering etc.  I'm making chili and hanging out with a client (I'm a caregiver) tonight, so come and chat if you want, I'll check in here all evening! Oh, and Happy New Year!  hope it will be a great one for ya!

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    Denno66posted 15 years ago

    Hey all!

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    mega1posted 15 years ago

    How do I look tonight?  Is this hat on right? :

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       I think it's perfect Mega -you rock

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    mega1posted 15 years ago

    Thanks lyrics - how goes it with you tonight?  We need some party music - a band perhaps!

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    mega1posted 15 years ago

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mo-2yC_qbyI
    
    Taylor Swift anybody?

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    Denno66posted 15 years ago

    Or Mel Torme?

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       mega1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       man, is that the only choice you got?

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    Denno66posted 15 years ago

    Um, Lawrence Welk? An a one an a twoa......

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       mega1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zo6Sob0jSg
       
       the band?  music from my past!  I'm going around to all the threads and posting this one! ha!

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    mega1posted 15 years ago

    here's a spectacular tango for ya!
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN7yU3mF3N8
    
    enjoy!

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    ddsurfscaposted 15 years ago

    I think that the only time when recovery is harder than hell to do, and when you get all those cravings, and everything you see makes you want to use again, is if you really do not want to recover in the first place.  This is what causes the relapses, and also why ninty some odd percent of heroin user will use again.  Noone will ever quit anything for sure and for good unless they really want to, down in their heart.  You have to want to.

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       mega1posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Yes, you have to want to - but the mind is an amazingly complex and mysterious thing - there may be a time when 99.99999percent of you wants to stop.  that tiny little bit of your mind that is just a bit undecided can quickly ruin it all.  That's why even after 6 years I am still just trying.  I will never say that I have recovered - there will always be that 1 millionth of a part of my brain that holds out - so I have to trick it into submission and it helps best to be with others who know what I'm feeling.  and it is constant, there are reminders of things I used to do all over the place!  I let it all flow through without picking it up - that's key.

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       pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       Sorry don,t agree with you there i agree your heart has to be in your recovery but sometimes circumstances change & you turn back to your old ways of nself medicating put it this way it,s better than listening to all the phsycho vabble they hit you with in the phsyciatric ward while theyve got you on constant watch to stop you killing yourself when lets face it at the time staring death in the face is sometimes the easiest option.3 years clean & still fighting with inner demons dealt with the drugs but still to deal with the mental,physical & sexual abuse but hey i,m still here not like several friends but the one that hurt the most was my best bud /sister who died a year ago in march to go to councelling for that too still really raw some days wish id been taken instead of her ah the guilt of an addict it  never goes away but as i said once youre labelled a junkie 90% of people wont let it go. Sorry for rambling but  my first time on & sooh good to talk to people who,ve been there done that it,s a breath of fresh air giving me quite a buzz actually luv,n,stuff pam xxx

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    mega1posted 15 years ago

    a couple years ago I would have said that it was not fun - but it actually is sometimes fun now, for me,  it is fun when I reflect on how good I feel now, and how my life has changed.  It is fun when I joke around and act silly and I know I'm not high while I'm doing it, I am just truly happy!  That is the blessing! high with love and happiness!
    
    TANGO?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkleYcZxCL0
    
    LET THE MUSIC HELP YOU!

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    Wendi Mposted 15 years ago

    Recovery is a lifelong battle, and it is very difficult (more so with some) at the beginning of the process...but if it's something you truly desire, it becomes easier with time and your life can be whatever you want it to be.

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    mega1posted 15 years ago

    I always try to focus on how much better I am feeling now and how my own willpower has done this for me, and not so much on the difficulty of it - because, really, life does get better.  Problems will always be there.  Good for me to look at others who have never had to recover from anything and see that their lives are not always easy either!  And I am getting over my need to feel like a victim.  Now I can feel good and not guilty about feeling good!

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       RaneeWrightposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Awesome mega! Wish I could say the same.

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    lorlie6posted 15 years ago

    My addiction to nicotine is ending in 30 minutes, and though I know nobody's around this time of night on New Years, I just thought I'd post a little about terror.  I am so afraid to quit smoking, it's absurd.  I feel like I'll be without my very best friend.  I am sure I'll give in to a panic attack.  Lord, Lord.
    But then on the other hand, I know I have the inner resilience to see this thing through.  It's disgusting and I hate it...
    Thanks for letting me vent, folks.
    24 minutes now!

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    H.C Porterposted 15 years ago

    I cant believe I am posting this...
    It is the holidays that I hate most about being clean and sober. As much as I hate sitting alone while I hear people laughing and having fun-I know I can not join, because I will want my old habits of fun, and I am not too sure, even now-I could resist temptations to find it.
    It took me almost 2 years to begin to feel again (to feel again without the drugs). For so long, everyday...They were the only feeling I had.
    Ide like to say I am one of those people that got clean for myself-but I am not. I got clean because I got pregnant (back to back), which probably saved my life. I wish I could say I stay clean for myself, but I dont, at least not yet-I stay clean because I want to be apart of my children's lives.
    I hate tonight... I feel like I am losing my mind-usually i will write, but I cant organize thoughts to words very well...ughhh....

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       joshuab616posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Hi..
       I would say your baby have saved your life...
       it is a common problem what you face right now, but don't loose hope..
       Every thing will get well and smooth.
       
       <link snipped, no promotion links are allowed>

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       pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       You think you only stay clean for your babies but deep down your concience is telling you it,s the right thing to do, so you really are staying clean for yourself don,t beat yourself up you,ve done sooh well & should be sooh proud of yourself. Me i was an idiot i hadn,t touched drugs before i had my daughter well that,s not 100% true i had smoked, drank & sniffed glue but i wasn,t addicted & the minute i fell pregnant all my teenage high jinx & that,s all they were a laugh at the weekend they stopped. Then on my 20th birthday my daughters father offered me speed to sober me up & i,d take that if i was out at the weekend but that led to temazepam "jellies" & in the end up i had to have 20 next my bed before i got up but that wasn,t a problem as my partner sold them i took about 100/150 a day the blocked out all the abuse i suffered at my daughters fathers hands, after 4 years i,d had enough & detoxed off of them & was clean for 4 years then my next partner introduced me to temgesics & dihdricodiene & within 2 years i was a full blown heroine addict 30 years of age how stupid was that., my daughter didn,t know me at the most important time in her life her teenage years but i,m trying my hardest to make up for it now but i can,t give her back those years i wish i could but that,a just the guilt of an addict so don,t beat yourself up be proud that youre there for your kids where other people do it every day you stay clean youre being a brilliant mum & that,s all that matters it willl get easier be proud of yourself  & enjoy your gorgeous kids!!! luv,n,stuff pam xxx

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    inspireyourspiritposted 15 years ago

    Kudos to all recovering addicts!  It is not easy!  I lost my father to alcoholism 2 years ago and to watch him struggle with addiction broke my heart.  I actually just wrote a poem "struggle" about the experience on my blog (inspireyourspirit.com).  After he passed away I found myself drinking more to cope.  Irony.  I was able to get it in control as time passed and I accepted his death but it was an easy escape!  Again, kudos to all of you that are in recovery!

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       pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       My heart breaks for you my best friend grew up with an alcoholic mother & a father that disowned her at 13 she turned to drugs & died of a heroine overdose a year ago in march. Her mum had been of the drink for 5 or 6 years when she died & turned back to it when maz died leaving behind 2 gorgeous daughters luckily her brother stepped in & took the girls so they didn,t go in to the care system i feel so riddled with guilt because i,ve been clean 3 years i should have been there for her mum but i still can,t deal with her death & don,t think it would be fair if i went to see her daughters or her mum while i,m still stuck greiving myself. Anyway lots of love sent your way i,m meant to be the lucky 1 but with the life long fight ahead of me i sometimes wonder s**t get sooh f**king angry & hurt when i talk about her. Hope to get to know you better luv,n,stuff pam xxx

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    scowan4738posted 15 years ago

    Do y'all know how you get to be an old-time in recovery?  You don't drink or drug (or whatever) and you don't die.  So all of you who stayed sober are one day closer to becoming an old-timer.

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32. 52

    dsherriposted 15 years ago

    Well hi all, my first time ever taking the time to read all the posts from all my fellow addicts. I am just starting this journey to cleanliness. 25 years addicted to meth and more recently about 2 years perscription pain pills, thought it was closer to sobriety if i had a script....Needless to say i added a new demention to this hell!! Really need some support my family is no good at understanding my addiction. I neeeeed people that do. Glad your out there. Still really foggy in my thinking just starting into withdrawls, pretty sick, must stick with it. Help

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33. 0

    Robakerostposted 15 years ago

    Great forum thread. Being an alcoholic is the best thing that ever happened to me; it's helped me find a way of living which I would have never discovered had I not been an alcoholic.
    
    And yes, if it wasn't fun I wouldn't be in recovery. Not only is it fun, it's a better life than any experience I ever had drinking.
    
    A lot of people say "relapse is a part of recovery" but it doesn't have to be. I've been through treatment three times and it takes what it takes. Each time I would relapse it got harder to come back though; I would get more depressed and closer to wanting to commit suicide. I don't want to test it again. The best advice I can give chronic relapse'rs is; don't die and keep coming back. Never, never, never give up. Alcoholism is one of the few diseases where people are looked badly upon for exhibiting symptoms of their disease (drinking).
    
    Never think you're alone and unique. That was something that almost killed me. I thought I could do it on my own, heck, maybe you can, but the biggest thing to remember is, YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

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34. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Okay,
    
    Kimmy is a little pissed.  Now there's achange.
    
    Most importantly I admire those of you who took a risk in sharing and feeling safe enough to do so without judgement.  You have been judged and damaged long enough and mostly with great pain to yourselves.
    
    This forum is for sharing and supporting.
    
    Yet I must laugh at the comments that offer solutions and what could have been done to avoid such mess.
    
    Yes, mind over matter, control, overcome our thoughts, step up to the cup, take resposibility and for goodness sake, get on with it your recovered.
    
    Many will laugh with me and I ask those of greater understanding, not one which is addicted, do you in your uneducated mind believe if any one of us could have controlled this, decisions to take the lesser ground than those not effected, had used mind control to stop, even choose to drink socially instead, that maybe instead of injecting heroin in my neck I could have found another form of entry.  That those in our lives, we loved most should have been enough so as not to cause them more pain.  That the addicts pain is far less than those that surround them
    
    Would we have chosen the disease of drugs and alcoholism as a way of life which if fatal if not arrested.  You speak of how ridiculous it is to have shame when we ourselves our in control of our thoughts and can think out from the shame.
    
    Fuck it, Rambling too much I know sorry
    
    But now I say a prayer for the addict who was born without a choice today, a moment for the addict still out there suffering, and a blessing for the addict that died today, along with everyone who loved them
    
    24 years in and out of recovery in 3 countries, 15 rehabs, methadone maintenance, addiction councilors, detoxes, shelters, hospitals, psych wards, half way houses, sober living, transition houses, retreats, well over 3000 meetings in North America and abroad in NA AA and Alanon, endless hours of family counseling, a lifetime of amends to make and fucking clean today.
    
    Do not question I, like you know what the hell I'm talking about in this family disease.
    
    One day at a fucking time my friends, I look up to your courage and admire your strength.
    
    You will keep me clean another day and the rest with their courteous advice, while I thank you, go use for 24 years, loose everything, die, or sure as hell try to, kick the dope 30 times, spend a good chunk of your life feeling badly how you never intentionally meant to hurt a sole strut that selfishness you know so much about, then call me, we'll chat  or here lyricsingray@gmail.com, lets go one on one
    
    Love you bloody addicts and alcoholics, you are the very ones that keep me going
    
    the we version
    
    god grant us the serenity
    to accept the things we cannot change
    the courage to change the things you can
    and the wisdom to know the difference
    
    author unknown
    
    bloody Wankers
    
    bums
    loving
    others
    only
    determined
    yet
    
    with
    alcohol
    narcotics
    knowledge
    evolves
    recovery
    solutions

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       pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       loved your rant moved me to tears blinded by them now first time on the site & someone gets me at long f**king last shrinks,doctors, cpns, drug councellors what the f**k do they know just another junkie self inflicted deserve every bit of pain they get did they ever stop to wonder what makes us this way do they think i woke up 1 day & said i know i,m off to put some heroine in my veins today F**k no nothing to do with the fact i,d been mentally,physically & sexually abused & putting heroine in my veins took away the pain if only for a wee while it took away the pain. My friends were dying all around me & do you know what at times i wished it were me i had blood clots going to lose my legs but i didn,t care i didn,t need to think. It came to a head 3 years ago & i had a breakdown but i,ve been clean since then every day is a fight especially a year ago in march when i lost my best bud/wee sis that hurts that hurts like no pain i,ve known it,s an actual physical pain but i wont go back to the mistress who took my  life for so long as maz is watching me & her death wont be in vain loved,loved,loved your rant so glad i found this sight people who get me not idiot doctors that don,t have a f**king clue hope it lands on there doorstep no i don,t really as i wouldn,t wish that on anyone just having a rant of my own hope to speak to you soon luv,n.stuff pam xxx

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35. 60

    Hokeyposted 15 years ago

    I love recovery!!!   One day at a time. Just  for today. I am in Louisville Kentucky visiting from Chicago. Been to two meetings here so far and now have lots of new friends.

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       joshuab616posted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Thanks for sharing your recovery experience..
       Cheers to you.
       
       
       Drug Rehab

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36. 73

    ddsurfscaposted 15 years ago

    Make up your mind and do it, that is the only way to succeed.  I quit smoking tabacco Jan. 1st and have not smoked since, and my secret???
       Self hypnosis, and a couple other tricks.  If you are interested in what they are, write me and I'll tell you, or else asked here.

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37. 78

    figmentposted 15 years ago

    I've thought about recovery, but there are things that I still don't want to give up.  I have been sober for almost 2 months though.

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       defenestratethisposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Awesome figment...I know it aint easy at first., but trust me, it does get better.

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       Williamjordanposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       you gain way more than you loose

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       pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       stick in there it,s hard & there are times when we all want to give up but if your struggling & need to talk i,m going to check this sight every day i,m 3 years clean & still have cravings it,s an on going battle but from what i,ve read on this sight & it,s the 1st i,ve used it today theres a lot of good people who know exactly what your going through as i said i,m going to check this site everyday & if your having a bad day i,ll do my damdest to be there for you even give you my number please please don,t give up the fight sooh much love sent your way luv,n,stuff pam xxx

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38. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    GOOD MORNING AND HAVE A GREAT DAY

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39. 61

    Ohmaposted 15 years ago

    Good morning Kimberly, I think I am going back to bed.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       laughing cause me too - was just thinking I would like another snooze ha xo

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          Ohmaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          woke up at about 3 with the cat in my bed got to coughing because of his fur and have not been able to return to sleep since. but it is catching up.

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40. 59

    Williamjordanposted 15 years ago

    it,s great to be sober and it would not be possible if others had not pave the way.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       great point Williiam
       Thanks

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41. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Nightmare woke me up at 5 about clowns - still in post traumatic stress lmao
    
    um Ohma, so why are posting and not back in bed yet?
    
    
    I think we're lame
    
    Im ok with that today
    
    have you stopped coughing?  Did a fur ball come up?  That's just wrong.

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42. 61

    Ohmaposted 15 years ago

    LOL yes stopped coughing. not sure why I am still up. Maybe we are lame.
    Sorry about your clown dream I hate clowns {SHIVER} glad I do not dream about them.

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43. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    My fear is we'll go back to sleep and dream of clowns covered in fur
    
    Ohma I am afraid.
    Can't risk it
    
    lame.  At least together-it's so lonely being lame alone, yes?

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    Ohmaposted 15 years ago

    That being said I guess I wil not be able to sleep now either! Thanks! LOL
    Lame-since we are not the only 2 here this early on a fine Sunday morning I am thinking we are positivly not alone.

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       lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       Amen we need to be saved. now where is help - we're is post traumatic stress
       
       go see what i wrote in the udes thread who announces he is going to church
       
       each minute is more lame
       
       we should run
       
       but where to
       
       i can't take this
       
       we're stuck between then and soon
       
       hairy clowns ohma WTF
       
       scared this visual that I can't shake will stay with me til tonight
       
       

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          Ohmaposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          Saw what you posted to the church goer. I resisted the urge to be my normal charming self on the subject since it is Sunday and all.
          To old to run to tired to care,
          as I sit here falling asleep in my chair.
          Hairy clowns
          have got me down
          And being lame makes it all the same.
          

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             prettydarkhorseposted 15 years agoin reply to this

             very nice one, Morning Ohma!

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45. 61

    Ohmaposted 15 years ago

    thank-you PDH I am very tired and a bit silly right now.

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46. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Ohma
    
    sorry got enthralled dancing, rather rapping to 50 cent and eminem, I think I am some huge kick ass black male inside and when I was produced they messed up on the outside.
    
    Like my new avatar - lmfao  i need a haircut or a damn nap
    
    Ok, we can recover from our fears.  We must remember clowns only like to be in crowds.  Do not enter a crowd today under any circustances.
    
    Brush your damn cat and close your bedroom door so you won't be woken by fur balls in your throat.
    
    We must truly believe our fears are not real and we are safe.
    
    My new problem is concerning me.  Possible bladder infection.  I am peeing too frequently.  Now given I am not prepared to wear diapers how do I sleep?
    
    Ohma, were we not meant to sleep today>
    
    I too am nodding off.
    
    Lets stay awake
    play what we make
    Ignore we are lame
    it's only just a name
    let your cat shed
    just elsewhere instead
    we'll ignore the hairy clown
    and think of only brown
    this will help tonight
    help us sleep just right
    if all else fails
    grab some nails
    pull our your hammer
    and begin to slammer
    nail anything you wish
    avoid any type of dish
    this will be our way
    to fix today
    maybe still lame
    but hell this is no game
    
    you are not alone
    we can get through this
    i just know it
    
    Kimberly

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    blondepoetposted 15 years ago

    For those who haven't seen it I made a video of my ups and downs, addictions and recovery. It really says it all.
    I still struggle with certain things today. I am by no means perfect.
    One day at a time. xox
    
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx6lHDrC … r_embedded

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48. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    Oh my God Blonde, I have tears rolling down my cheeks
    
    may I just say thank you love for sharing that
    
    as shall I here's mine
    a video demonstrating the pain and loneliness of an addict at her bottom - three more videos go in recovery but here I will share with you, I get it
    
    http://vimeo.com/6389911
    
    
    Blonde, thank you again for sharing that, it was beautiful as are you
    
    Thank you

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       blondepoetposted 15 years agoin reply to this

       You know I watched this around a month ago about 5 times over and over as I sat transfixed in front of the screen, also with huge tears rolling down my cheeks.
       I marveled at your strength and your courage, while I cried with your sad moments you shared.
       You are a huge inspiration to so many people including me...
       And I love u heaps too.....
       Yes everyone reading I am having an extra soft, tender moment.
       xoxoxox

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          lyricsingrayposted 15 years agoin reply to this

          we sharing our moment
          
          but make no mistake anyone in 5 minutes we'll be back kicking ass and taken names
          
          thanks blonde
          
          okk enough cant take it and im watching your fucking video again right now
          
          how will i pull myself together
          
          i love not just who you are but also what you stand for
          
          thank you so very much
          
          shit

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49. 0

    lyricsingrayposted 15 years ago

    ODAAFT

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    Ohmaposted 15 years ago

    Ladies my heart rejoices for both of you. The strength and determination it has taken for you both to come so far is truly amazing.
    
    Kimberly your video is especially heart wrenching for me. You could be my daughter. Sadly she is still lost to us but one day soon I hope to be able to tell a different story.
    
    Seeing the person you have become gives me hope!

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       pam kennedyposted 14 years agoin reply to this

       hope you get your daughter back safe & sound she,s got you so it,s in her blood to be a fighter luv,n,stuff pam xxx

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