Best way to resolve an argument?

1. 77

   Mom Katposted 11 years ago

   Best way to resolve an argument?
   
   In your relationship - when the 2 of you get into a heated argument, how does it end?
   What is the most productive way you have found to patch things up or call a close to the topic of disagreement at hand? 
   Do you remember to use your healthy tools or do you find yourself going back to the old way of fighting?

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2. 89

   jellygatorposted 11 years ago

   I've typically been the hotheaded type, so I've learned not to let things get heated in the first place. As soon as I recognize defensiveness in myself or someone else, I usually say something like, "It's clear we can't agree. I'm going to leave for a little while." I drive to a nearby park or go to another room until I can get centered enough to give good consideration to these questions:
   
   - Is my relationship with this person more important to me than the topic of the argument?
   - Does that person value the relationship or the topic more? Should they?
   - Depending on the answers to those questions, what should I do about the situation?
   
   My husband and I rarely disagree, but he got pretty critical and judgmental last week, and it culminated last night. I'd asked him twice before if he was feeling stressed (no) or mad at me for some reason (no). I finally made a list of his snarky comments - a dozen within three days - and tried to talk with him. He responded by justifying his behavior, so I left for a while.
   
   When I returned, he again tried to justify his behavior. I calmly told him that I believed his response showed me that he feels justified in hurting our relationship as long as he thinks his own attitude is right, which is something I can't agree with doing. He immediately changed gears, apologized, and went on to tell me a story that revealed he'd done the same thing with a coworker unfairly. Then he figured out what has been subtly adding stress that he hadn't realized he was feeling.

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   1. 77

      Mom Katposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I like that you've found a way that works for you!  You recognize your triggers and take healthy steps to work through the situation while maintaining the respect of your husband and yourself - way to go!

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3. 0

   Garifaliaposted 11 years ago

   Always stay calm. I NEVER tell my spouse he is dead wrong and what he's saying is nonesense. I ALWAYS point out the facts with true examples of how things are. And in the case that I am wrong, when things calm down I apologise (if necessary) and in a manner that does not make me look inferior I admit that he was right.
   By the way, it took years of practice to be able to do that.
   You can apologise and admit you are wrong when the other person is one who is respectful of you and who is worthy of your respect. In any other situation there is no reason why two people ought to be together.

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      Mom Katposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      Avoiding harsh words and being able to admit when you've made an error is huge!  Great job keeping it respectful in the heat of anger

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4. 81

   dashingscorpioposted 11 years ago

   When you truly (know someone very well) you can pretty much "anticipate" their reactions to things. You have a strong idea of what would upset them and generally would not do anything to "intentionally" hurt the person you are in love with. I always keep in mind the quote: "Anger is the mask that Hurt wears"
   Most fights boil down to someone having their feelings hurt or not believing the other person was (considerate) of them in some way. Fights are genearlly about setting boundaries or gaining some respect. I try not to get too caught up in the person's "reaction method" but instead focus on the pain that led them to react that way.
   To be honest with you it is very rare that my wife and I have a heated arugment. As I stated earlier when you know someone very well you also know what would upset them. The majority of fights occur when one or both people start to think more in terms of YOU & ME instead of US & WE with regard to what is best for the relationship, It's our ego that drives us to want to "win" most arguments rather than compromise and work things through.

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      Mom Katposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      I love that you can recognize that anger is a defense mechanism of hurt - so many people forget that.  Well done.  I really appreciate what you shared here.

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5. 40

   miyagi714posted 11 years ago

   Stay calm but confident! If you feel you are right do not raise you're tone of voice! That is the quickest way to elevate things in a negative manner. Listen to each other and try to solve things together. When in a relationship, you guys are a team so there's no point in fighting!

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   1. 77

      Mom Katposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      For most this is easier said than done.  Excellent answer & so very true.

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